A Good Woman

by Liz Cronkhite

  Erika’s response was immediate and just as hungry. They kissed long and deep, Aly moving her hands down to Erika’s waist to pull her close, Erika with one hand in Aly’s hair to hold her mouth close, the other around Aly’s neck.

  In time, Aly moved her hands up under Erika’s top and caressed the smooth, warm flesh of her back. She was touching her as she had longed to do for so long. Erika pressed herself against her as if she could not get close enough and Aly removed her mouth from Erika’s to nibble down her neck--that long beautiful neck she had wanted to nuzzle from the first day.

  Erika’s breathing was heavy in Aly’s ear as her hands burrowed in her hair. Aly was molten lava, pure sensation, pouring over Erika. She moved her right hand forward to cup Erika’s breast and with her thumb caressed an erect nipple. They moaned together and on this signal Aly rose.

  “Come on,” she said thickly, pulling Erika to her feet.

  When Erika was up, their eyes met for a moment. The burning intensity of her look was all the confirmation Aly needed. Everything else in the world was gone for her. She had no inhibitions, no barriers left. All she wanted was to get Erika to her bed, to show her how much she loved her.

  She turned with Erika’s right hand gripped tightly in her left, as if afraid she’d get away. As she passed the switch for the fireplace she slapped it off. They went around the corner to her bedroom and she quietly shut the door. Quickly, wordlessly, both panting with desire, they unpeeled their clothes and together fell, enflamed, onto the bed.

  Part IV: Love Finds Its Level

  37

  Just before she surfaced, Aly had a pleasant dream. As she rose to consciousness it faded and was replaced by a feeling of heaviness in her head and body. Her mouth was dry and pasty.

  She rolled onto her back and was met by mild queasiness and throbbing in her head. She opened her eyes. Erika was gone. Aly had gone to sleep spooning her from behind.

  Despite the discomfort of moving, she rolled back onto her left side and caressed the sheets where Erika had been. She reached up for the pillow that had held Erika’s head and pulled it toward her, burying her face in it to inhale the scent of her hair and perfume. She hugged it close.

  What have I done? Now I will have to leave. And with these memories…

  It was late January and the room was lightening, which meant she was in bed way past her usual wake time. It was way past Erika’s, too, and she knew she had things to do with the girls that morning.

  She rolled around and sat on the edge of the bed, taking a moment, despite the cold, to let the queasiness and throbbing ebb. She wore no clothes, as they had not all night. After making love, they took turns in the cold night putting on her inadequate kimono robe to go to the toilet. She had dreaded Erika would leave after that. But she returned. She did not stop to put on her clothes, which were somewhere on the floor, but had instead come back under the thick comforter, into Aly’s waiting arms, pressing her chilled flesh into her warm body.

  When Aly lifted her head she saw a large glass of water and two ibuprofen tablets on her end table. Erika. Typically thoughtful of her, no matter how much Aly screwed up. Her gratitude was painful as she drank half the water to moisten her mouth before she took the ibuprofen and finished off the water.

  She rose and shuffled to the bathroom. She could smell Erika’s body and perfume on her shoulders; Erika’s sex on her face and hands. She had been so receptive to the pleasure Aly could not get enough of giving.

  She leaned back against the counter, her face in her hands, not wanting to wash Erika off. She could still feel the imprint of Erika’s body on her own. She had never felt so enveloped by a lover, so nurtured. Was there any part of her body Erika had not touched? The bottoms of her feet, perhaps, because Aly could distinctly remember the tops of her feet being caressed. Erika was a passionate, tender, sensitive lover, just as she would expect from a warm, thoughtful, affectionate woman.

  There was a street lamp that shone into the window behind her bed at night. Last night, her blinds were only partly shut so the room was bathed in a soft darkness when she brought Erika to her bed. It was perfect for lovemaking. She could just make out Erika’s sweet, compact brown body, her beautiful face, her eyes hooded and dilated with desire. Thinking of all they’d done to each other Aly felt herself getting aroused again, moaned, and finally moved to turn on the shower and brush her teeth as it warmed up.

  How was she going to move past this? One stupid night of too much wine, no restraint, no self-discipline. She was losing it all. Erika, the girls, the wonderful warm home, the job, even Julio and Luce. Aly was disappointed in herself. Maybe her mother was right and there was some flaw in her.

  She was in her closet in jeans and a T-shirt choosing a hoodie when she heard her bedroom door open. With dismay she went into the bedroom.

  Erika was in the doorway. “Hey, there,” she said softly. “I only have a moment. The girls. Would you like to joi--”

  Aly only glanced at Erika before she looked away and plunged, haltingly. “I’m sorry about last night... It was totally inappropriate… I don’t want you thinking I’ve been after you. I haven’t been... I don’t want you thinking I have feelings for you. I don’t... It was a mistake… It’s lame to blame the wine, but it was a big part of it... That’s an explanation, not an excuse… While you’re gone today I will pack my things and get out.”

  She glanced in Erika’s direction again but didn’t look at her.

  “I don’t…” Erika began. “You’re going to leave? I don’t--”

  “How can I stay? I’m not after you. I kept pulling away when we got close because I was afraid you’d think I was interested.”

  Erika was quiet for a while, taking it in. “Oh. I see.”

  “I have to leave. How can you trust me now if you’re concerned I might--”

  “You do know there were two of us last night, right?”

  “It’s very generous of you to say that.”

  “No, Aly, it’s a fact,” she said slowly.

  There was a long silence and Aly didn’t move or look at her. Finally, Erika said, “Um, look…if it’s a mistake, as you say, then we can acknowledge that and put it behind us. It won’t happen again.”

  Aly cleared her throat. “No, it won’t.”

  “Okay. I don’t want you leaving. The girls lo--”

  “Thank you.” Aly stood still, looking at the floor between herself and Erika.

  A moment later, Erika turned and left the room.

  38

  It was Aly’s view that the night before Erika was vulnerable. Her ex had just announced her engagement, Whitney was growing up, and she felt winning the Jones case was not the best thing for the Jones children. She got drunk and playful and it was Aly, also drunk--but that was no excuse--who lost control and set things in motion.

  If she didn’t love and long for Erika, would it have happened? She didn’t know. Of course two lesbian friends getting drunk and having sex was hardly a new phenomenon. It was as old as lesbians and alcohol. But if she hadn’t wanted Erika so much it was just as likely she would have playfully batted her away.

  Erika was generous to let her off the hook that morning. But would it last when Erika had time to think it through? She was thinking of her girls and what Aly’s leaving would mean to them. But would it ultimately be too uncomfortable for her to keep Aly around? Would she always harbor suspicions that Aly felt, well, as she did?

  While waiting for Erika and the girls to leave, Aly thought about these things and stripped her bed completely. When she knew they were gone she washed everything: Mattress cover, sheets, pillows, comforter. She threw in her clothes as well. She normally did her laundry on Sunday but, if Erika had not thrown her out by then, she planned to spend the weekend away from the house. And if she was thrown out at least her clothes would be clean.

  She made herself cereal, but it might as well have been sawdust in the almond milk for all the flavor it had for her. Despite wanting to e
rase painful reminders of the night, when the sheets were done she sniffed at the pillow cases hoping to find some trace of Erika’s perfume. There was none and she cried so much on the second pillow case she had to throw it in the wash again.

  While the washing was going she straightened her room. When that was done she stood outside in the cold and stared at the view, unseeing. Her body would not let her forget. Despite the hangover, despite the tension she felt in self-condemnation and over potential loss, her body hummed from the night’s nurturing pleasure. At odd moments her body remembered the impressions of Erika’s hands, mouth, tongue, and teeth. And her own hands remembered the soft, firm, smooth, and velvety wet textures of Erika’s body. Images of her impassioned face, burning eyes, and sweet body flashed involuntarily through her mind. Tastes, smells, sounds came back to her unbidden. “Oh, Aly, yes…”

  She stayed outside until she was chilled. Would she see this view again? Back inside, she finished her laundry and went out. She did not want to be home when Erika got home with the girls. Downtown Summerlin was too full of her, so she wandered Meadows Mall off the I95.

  Even on weekends Erika was usually in her bedroom by ten. So she made sure she was home later. The house was quiet as she made her way to her bedroom. But she had to wait to use her toilet, backing out of the bathroom when she heard Erika’s running faucet on the other side of the wall. Too close.

  A little later, after preparing for bed, she stood for a long time staring at the mattress. Was that just last night? The day had seemed so long. Everything had changed. What time did it happen last night? She really didn’t know. It would have been after nine that Erika checked on the girls and came back and told her to scoot over, so twenty four hours ago they…

  She started crying and sat hard on the edge of the bed. She let herself cry for a long while. When she was done, she blew her nose, went to the bathroom and washed her face in cold water, patted it dry, got back into bed, and turned off the light. She had not altered the blinds, and the light pouring in from the street lamp was the same soft darkness as the night before. In a sudden quick movement she threw back the covers, got on her knees, and reached over the headboard for the wand to close the blinds. Blessed darkness. She got back under the covers and stared into the night until, physically and emotionally exhausted, she was overcome by sleep.

  She felt much better upon awakening Sunday morning. Her body was renewed. Her mind was clearer and her emotions subdued for the moment.

  The day before she was sure she’d spend the weekend away. But now she was not so sure it was a good idea. She hadn’t seen Erika since she left her bedroom doorway. If she had changed her mind and wanted Aly to leave, Aly needed to give her time to tell her so she had time to get out. If she had not changed her mind, then Aly needed to see her again and just get on with it.

  She decided running would do her good. When she emerged from her bedroom, Lu was up and eating a bagel. “I beat you and mom up,” she noted brightly. “I had to get the bagels.”

  This never happened. On weekends, Erika’s body clock, like Aly’s, didn’t diverge much from weekdays. One of them always got the bagels at the front door. “I didn’t see you at all yesterday,” Lu continued as Aly made her protein drink.

  “I was busy. Did you have a good day? How was soccer practice?”

  “Okay.”

  “How about the dentist? Any cavities?”

  “No. But Whitney had one.”

  “No surprise there.”

  It was a crisp forty degrees with a bright blue, cloudless sky when she stepped out. She looked forward to the endorphins her run would produce as she jogged to the trail. She needed them.

  Forty five minutes later she was back and growing tense as she walked down the driveway to the front door. Soon she would face Erika and find out her fate.

  The house was quiet when she stepped through the front door and turned and locked it. She could smell coffee, so she knew Erika was up. And when she saw her sitting at the bar it wasn’t body memories like the day before that hit her like a ton of bricks, but the emotions of Friday night and Saturday morning. Here was the woman she loved and that she had now lost even as a friend. She faltered, and suddenly felt she was walking through wet sand.

  Lu was leaning on Erika’s arm and they were looking at something on a tablet together. Aly said good morning as she passed on the way to her room for a shower and a cry and Erika returned the greeting softly.

  Aly was determined to follow her normal routine. After her shower she went to the kitchen for coffee and a bagel and sat reading the news on her phone in her usual spot at the end of the bar. Erika and Lu were still in their seats. To acclimate herself to being around Erika, she looked surreptitiously at her profile at one point and saw she looked drawn and grey. Did she drink again last night? What had she looked like yesterday morning when she was certainly hung over? Aly realized she had not really looked at her.

  “You guys going to shop for more stuff for the house?” Lu asked suddenly. She had been a little disappointed to not be a part of their redecorating efforts.

  “I don’t know,” Erika answered, not taking her eyes off her tablet. “Not today.” After a while she said, “Aly was thinking maybe we should paint that wall.” Her eyes skimmed Aly as she swiveled to indicate the wall in the living room.

  When did I say this? Friday night, from this bar, on the way to getting drunk. Aly remembered shoulder bumping Erika and issuing herself a warning. It seemed to her eons had passed since then.

  “That would be lit,” Lu said. “What color?”

  Aly shared her idea and she and Lu discussed the options presented by the multicolored fireplace. “If your mom wants it painted we could go out this week and get swatches,” she said.

  Lu loved the idea. This could make up for the decorating she missed.

  “Get the swatches and we’ll see,” Erika said.

  Later, Aly realized by suggesting she and Lu get swatches she had signaled to Erika that she was staying. But what about Erika’s response? Was the “we’ll see” only about the paint or was it also about her staying?

  Somehow she got through Sunday. She did go out midday to wander again, only because she felt it was oppressive struggling to be normal around the girls. What had normal been? Clearly both she and Erika were not up to par. Whitney made comments indicating Erika had been very distracted Saturday and she didn’t seem much better on Sunday.

  But Aly was home for dinner. And when it came time for wine, which she did not want at all, Erika handed her a glass of Chablis. She was grateful, because if it had been red she would have wondered if it was the Cool Stream merlot and possibly recoiled. But, of course, Erika would think of that.

  39

  Monday was back on routine with work and school. Aly leaned into the routine and looked forward to the empty house and less Erika during the week to give her space to breathe. She dreaded the weekend, however. It was a Dad’s Weekend when she and Erika would be alone in the house.

  But before she could get to the breathing space of the work week she was struck by a blow she should have anticipated. She was eating breakfast with the girls and Erika had gone to her room to finish getting ready for work. When she returned to the kitchen her perfume, the work perfume that had mingled so deliciously with her body's scent on Friday night, struck Aly with such visceral body and emotional memories that she involuntarily let out a sound somewhere between a gasp and a yelp.

  All three Milton’s turned to look at her. Her hand had gone up to her mouth--really, her nose--and Lu said, “She bit her tongue.”

  “You okay?” Erika asked.

  She nodded, not looking at anyone. She had teared up, but let them think as Lu said.

  How long before I get past this? It was so hard to move on when the object of her grief was right in front of her and memories came unbidden. Everything was the same and yet everything was different. One night had altered it all. She had lost Erika as a friend. She could not g
et close again. Who knew what Erika was thinking?

  She found out that evening. She had spent the day working in her room, full of memories. But she knew the way to get past them was to push forward with her routine. The memories would fade as the daily familiarity of the room took over.

  She picked up the girls and spent the afternoon with them as they did their homework. At dinner she was with the family as usual, though she and Erika were silent, which was not usual. Erika again served a white wine. Afterward, she went back to her room. And when she went to the kitchen for water before bed, Erika was at the bar. She had her tablet in front of her, but she was staring into space.

  “Can we talk?” she asked softly.

  “Of course.” Aly’s heart beat fast. Was this it? Was she out? She waited in the kitchen, across the long counter from Erika. But Erika indicated the seat next to her. This was to be a serious discussion. And, probably, Erika wanted to be sure the girls could not overhear.

  Aly took the seat and was startled to find herself emotionally thrown again. She hadn’t expected that sitting so close to Erika after making love with her would be a new experience. But she knew the smell of Erika; her most intimate smells. She knew the feel of her, in the most intimate places. She knew how and where Erika liked to be touched and her responses to what she liked. There was an intimacy that had not been there in friendship. They were lovers now. Or once lovers, anyway. Yet that very intimacy was the reason for the impassable divide between them as friends.

  The swiveling stools made it possible for them to not look at each other. They both sat facing the living room.

  Erika began quietly. “I want to apologize to you for Friday night. No, let me say this,” she said when Aly looked up to speak. She had put out a hand to touch in her characteristic way, but she pulled it back before it reached Aly.