A Good Woman

by Liz Cronkhite

  She has a no-touch policy now, too, Aly thought, and looked down at her lap.

  Erika continued, “I started things. Drunk or not, it was completely inappropriate to touch you that way. And I’m sorry.”

  Aly heard this with horror. She regarded Friday night as something that happened between friends. But Erika’s use of the word “inappropriate” made her realize that there was another way to look at it: Something that happened between employer and employee. She couldn’t let Erika feel it was an abuse of power. She had not crossed a line alone.

  She looked at Erika, pained. “You can’t… I can’t let you… It’s like you said, it was two of us--”

  “I know what I felt. I know what I did.”

  Erika’s face, hard and drawn, was in profile to Aly. She had never seen Erika like this and she didn’t like it.

  “It was both of us. Let’s just agree on that,” she nearly pleaded. “I’m sorry for my part, too.”

  Erika looked down and folded her arms across her chest. She was quiet for so long Aly wondered if she should go to her room. But then Erika said, “Okay.”

  Aly decided she had to try for solid ground. “I need to know if you want me to leave.”

  Erika turned sharply to look at her. “No. I want you to stay.”

  “How can you trust me?”

  “You just got through saying it was both of us. How can you trust me? I heard you Saturday. You’re not interested. I believe you.”

  Aly looked away and nodded. Isn’t this what she wanted, Erika thinking she was not at all interested in her? Then why was she suddenly so sad? “Are we done here?”

  Erika sighed. “I think so.”

  Aly stood up, said goodnight over her shoulder, and went to her room.

  Of course Erika would take responsibility for her part in it. Of course she would accept Aly’s word that she was not interested in her. Oh, why did she have to have so much integrity? It only made Aly love her more and feel less worthy of her.

  On Wednesday morning, Erika announced she was going to visit Ronnie in San Francisco over the weekend. If Aly could see the girls off with Julio on Friday, she would go to the airport from work and be home on Sunday before the girls got home.

  Aly assured her she could. She was relieved she would not be home alone even part of the weekend with Erika.

  There was no hiding that things were not the same between them. At breakfast and dinner, Erika interacted as usual with her girls and Aly interjected to prompt the girls or to elaborate for Erika. But there was none of the usual discussion or banter between the adults. It was as it had been months ago, when Aly started, before she and Erika became friends.

  It was at dinner on Thursday that Whitney finally had enough. “Did you two have a fight or something?”

  There was a beat where no one said anything. Then Erika asked, “Who two?”

  “You and Aly.”

  “No, we haven’t fought.”

  Aly noticed Erika’s lawyerly response. She didn’t lie. They hadn’t fought. But she also didn’t address the “or something”.

  “But you two have hardly spoken all week.”

  Whitney’s eyes were going back and forth between them, but Aly decided to let her mother handle it.

  Erika rubbed Whitney’s back to reassure her. “We both have things on our minds.”

  Whitney didn’t look satisfied, but she dropped it.

  Later, Aly went out to get her nighttime water when she knew Erika was likely to be in the kitchen making her chamomile tea. “We have to make more of an effort around the girls,” she said.

  “Yes,” was Erika’s simple reply. And that was all they said of the matter.

  40

  Aly saw the girls off with Julio Friday night and awoke to a light dusting of snow on the ground Saturday morning. She texted pictures of the whited out swimming pool cover and snow dusted desert to the girls and they texted back pictures of patchy snow on the ground at Julio’s just down the hill. The snow probably did not reach the valley floor.

  Before That Night, as Aly called the night of lovemaking with Erika, she would not have hesitated to send the pictures to Erika, too. But this time she paused and thought about it. For the girls they had to get back to some sort of friendliness, if not outright friendship. She was aiming for a friendliness that was more than when she started and less than it had become. She was trying to remember what it was like before December when they grew so close. How do you forget what you know about someone? How do you not fall back into the easy exchanges of deepening friendship? Especially when you longed to be close again, even when you knew it was best not to be.

  She sent the pictures, but it was hours before she had a response from Erika. “Beautiful. Sorry I missed it.”

  She sat for a long while at the bar with her coffee looking toward the sitting area by the fireplace. It was a day for a fire. Finally, she mustered her courage and went to it, pressed the switch to start the fire, and sat on the lounger where That Night began. Her heart ached and tears came as she allowed herself to be washed in memories. She let them come up and pass, but she refused to indulge them. It was time to move forward.

  She pulled up the red, tan, and grey throw they had recently bought and stared into the fire. Her mind went immediately to what this last week had shown her. She had to leave. Every day she stayed she was lying to Erika. This only added to her pain because Erika deserved better. It was painful to stay. It was painful to go. But staying meant staying in pain and leaving offered the hope of one day moving past the pain and going on. It was a no-brainer.

  She thought through the options of when. Now, with the girls in school, would really leave the Milton-Allendes in the lurch. But she knew it would be hard on them to have the same last minute situation they had last summer. The best thing was to tell them before the school year ended, but to commit to stay through June since the girls would be gone in July. She resolved to tell them in early May.

  She didn’t come to this fast and without emotion. There were a lot of tears and a lot of pain within the reasoning. She had never been happier in her life than with Erika and her girls. She had never felt so valued and supported. She had not been fully happy as a child because the love of the Wongs did not add to the love in her home, but in some part had to make up for a deficit there. And Toy, she now realized, was only not quite as selfish and withholding as Linda.

  After settling on when to leave, she moved on to thinking about telling Erika the truth. If she didn’t tell her that her own feelings were the reason she was leaving, Erika would be left with some doubt about herself. She deserved the truth, and what she decided to do with it in regard to what she told the others would be up to her.

  It would be hard for Aly to tell her not just that she loved her, but that she had lied to her about it since Halloween. And she had compounded the lie the morning after That Night. Also, because of her feelings for her, she was more responsible for That Night than Erika knew. The more she looked at her situation the more she didn’t like herself. She was out of integrity. Was she truly loving Erika as things now stood? No. The only way to love both herself and Erika was to tell the truth and leave. This realization strengthened her resolve.

  After hours in front of the fireplace she was sad, but also stronger than she had felt in a long time.

  Dave called her late the next morning. “You work for a lawyer, don’t you? Mine retired and I don’t want to just go with the guy he recommends.”

  She provided him with Erika’s office number and told him she’d give her a heads up. Linda could be heard in the background. “Your mother says there’s some mail here for you. You should come by and see her.”

  She sighed. “I’ll get by for the mail sometime.”

  Sunday afternoon she was in the laundry room when she heard the hum of the garage door. A couple of minutes later the door opened and she heard Erika come through. She looked out so Erika would not be startled by her when she passed the laundry room.
But she seemed to startle her anyway as she stopped in her tracks and stared at her.

  Aly noted her color was better and she looked…softer. “How was your trip?”

  Erika looked away to think about how to answer. Then she seemed to study Aly and said quietly, “Clarifying. How about yours?”

  The same, Aly thought. But she just said, “Quiet.”

  ◆◆◆

  After that weekend the energy of the adults in the Milton household was decidedly different. Both women were still quiet and a little sad. But Aly’s resolution to leave helped her hold to her boundaries and remain friendly. In fact, she felt that in a part of herself she was already moving on.

  Erika was, well, the only word Aly could come up with was, again, softer. Not that she had been hard the week before. But her distraction had made her less accessible to everyone. She was available again and Aly found her to be solicitous toward her. At dinner their conversation was not what it had become as their friendship deepened, but it was friendly again. They had indeed slipped back to behavior that preceded their growing friendship.

  The previous week Erika had avoided the living room in the evenings, but now she was back to her usual after dinner routine. If Aly had something to report about the girls she met her there as before.

  And in the middle of the following week she did have something to report. She had met Dana Del Toro. Erika was all ears.

  Whitney and her squad were STEM students. Dana was not a part of that group, but she did come over to study that day. She needed help with math. “She’s softer than she appeared in the picture,” Aly reported. “I think she’s gay, but not gender queer. She’s artsy. I think she likes to write.”

  “From a science nerdy boy to an artsy girl. My, she is feeling her way around, isn’t she? How were they together?”

  “When Whitney was tutoring her they sat with their shoulders touching, very naturally. Whitney was very patient and tried to find creative ways to explain the math to her. It was lovely to watch. She reminded me of…” Oh, shit. Aly was going to say “you”. But Erika didn’t seem to notice.

  “Hmm. I’d like to meet this girl.”

  She pointed out that the following week was Valentine’s Day and the squad was making plans for a group dinner with dates. That could be Erika’s opportunity

  As the week went on, Aly could swear that sometimes Erika was looking away just as she looked in her direction. This happened a few times and she didn’t know what to make of it.

  Then one evening after dinner she and Lu and Whitney were looking at the swatches they had gotten. They had taped them to the wall and were discussing how the colors changed over the light of the day and which ones they liked best throughout the changes. Erika was behind them at the bar and when Aly turned to step back to get a look at the swatches from a distance she looked in her direction. She was looking at Aly, her face sad. Their eyes locked for a long moment and then Erika dropped hers.

  She knows I’m leaving, Aly thought as she turned back to the swatches. Or she’s going to ask me to leave.

  Erika planned to be home to meet Dana on Valentine’s evening when she came to pick up Whitney. It was a Wednesday, so Lu would be with Julio. Aly decided to take herself to the movies as it was not a night she wanted to be home alone with Erika.

  For days preceding Valentine’s an open bag of heart and square shaped Dove chocolates in red and pink wrappers sat on the bar. They each dipped into it now and then. At breakfast Valentine's morning, just before she left for work, Erika pushed a red heart to each of her daughters and wished them a happy Valentine’s with a hug and a kiss. And then she reached to the bag again and hovered a bit before choosing a red square and pushing it to Aly. She didn’t look at Aly or say anything.

  Aly thanked her. She figured Erika felt she had to make some gesture toward her in front of the girls. And she suspected that, before That Night, Erika would have pushed a pink heart toward her.

  When she got home that evening Erika was sitting in front of the fire, not in the lounger from That Night, but the left one. It was around ten and late for her to still be in the living room. Though awkward to be in that part of the room together again, Aly wanted to know what she thought of Dana, so she joined her there. She sat at the extended edge of the other lounger and tried not to think of the last time they had been in that area together. She didn’t succeed and suspected she was blushing.

  “She seems a sweet girl,” Erika replied to her question. “We didn’t speak much, of course. They were holding hands. It was very cute.”

  “That's progress for you.”

  “Well, I’m coming around,” she sighed, looking sad. “Nothing stays the same.” She looked at Aly carefully. “How was your evening?”

  Aly had the sudden thought that she might think she had a date. She wasn’t sure why she thought this. Certainly Erika wouldn’t care if she did. She answered, “Okay.”

  “I met Dave today. He thinks the world of you.”

  “He’s a good guy.”

  “You look like your mother. In general. Body type. Face type.”

  Aly was surprised. “She was there? I hope she was well behaved.”

  Erika laughed. “I don’t think she said more than hello and goodbye.”

  Aly was relieved. “Were you able to help Dave?”

  She nodded. “Just updating his trust.”

  “Well, thank you.” Aly rose. “Goodnight.”

  Erika said goodnight and returned to looking at the fire.

  We are so far apart now, Aly thought with sadness. But it was the way it had to be.

  41

  Bianca and Aziza’s wedding was the first Saturday in March and, since rehearsal was Friday, all four of the Milton-Allende clan were flying down on Thursday evening.

  Lu was excited. Whitney was glum. Aly had a hard time reading Erika. She was still soft and sad. How much had to do with this wedding? Aly remembered how bad she’d felt abandoning her after they announced their engagement. So before the family left for the airport, she stood in the kitchen and told Erika she could call her if she needed to talk. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to see Toy marry someone else.”

  “I can’t imagine what it would be like to see Bianca go to prison,” Erika said, and then immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry--”

  “No, you’re right. We both have exes in transition. I hope your ex will be happy. I don’t have much hope for mine.”

  She looked so pained Aly could hardly bear it. She knew in the past Erika would at least have touched her arm, and more likely given her a hug. But all she said was, “I’m so sorry, Aly,” and looked so sad that Aly had to turn away.

  “It’s okay. I hope you can enjoy the wedding.”

  “Thank you for the offer,” she said to Aly’s retreating back.

  For a moment Aly couldn’t remember what offer. Oh yes, to call me if she needed. “I mean it,” she said over her shoulder.

  ◆◆◆

  Anita was making the rounds of catching up with her friends. She had a particularly busy Fall and Winter with her charity work and now had some time to breath as Spring approached. Aly knew she had lunch a week before with Erika. Now, on Friday, it was her turn.

  Anita had her to her home and made tuna sandwiches on whole wheat bread, and put out a plate of carrots and celery and a bowl of potato chips. She might be wealthy now, but she was a middle class girl at heart.

  They ate at a bar at the end of the island in her enormous old world southwest kitchen. Sprawled behind them on the terra cotta tile was her red Irish setter, Siobhan.

  They chatted for a while about her work. “Never, ever again will I chair. I’m a grunt, not a leader. Tell me what to do and I’ll get it done. I hated all the decision making.”

  “Why’d you take it on?”

  “Oh, I thought I had brilliant ideas and knew better than the others. Same trap I always fall into. And then I regret it.”

  Aly laughed. “You’re a natural
leader and just don’t like it. How many times have you chaired and said ‘never again’?”

  Anita only grunted at this. She then changed the subject and they talked about mutual friends and acquaintances for a while. Finally, she asked, “And what about you? Seeing someone?”

  “No.”

  “Lost someone?” Aly looked up sharply. “Ah, that’s it.”

  “No, I just thought it was a strange leap.”

  Anita was quiet and studied her for a while. “Something’s up. You seem, I don’t know… not quite happy. Everything okay up at Erika’s?”

  “Yes, it’s lovely.”

  “I saw her the other day. She seemed down, too.”

  “She’s at Bianca’s wedding this weekend.”

  “That’s true. That has to be odd.” They both considered this for a moment. “So do you want to talk about what’s on your mind? Is it Toy’s situation?”

  “No, it’s not Toy. And I don’t want to talk about it. But thank you.”

  “You know I’m here.”

  Aly squeezed her arm. “Yes, I do, thank you.”

  After a while Anita said, “I’m glad things worked out for you and Erika.”

  “I love the girls.”

  “I thought you’d be a good fit. You two are so much alike.”

  Aly snorted and shook her head. “Me and Erika, alike?”

  “Certainly. You are two warm, loving, thoughtful women. You’re both full of integrity and wisdom. You’re always trying to be better people. Anyone who knows either of you values you highly. You are two of the best women I know.”

  “She is leagues beyond me.”

  “In what way?”

  “She’s a lawyer, a businesswoman, she’s got a house and kids…”

  “I can’t believe you seriously measure people that way. Do you like her?”

  “Of course.”

  “And are those the things you value about her? I doubt it. I know you.” Aly thought about it. No, these were not the things she valued about Erika. “Stand outside yourself sometime and look at yourself the way you would look at someone else. Maybe you measure yourself by accomplishments, but I know you don’t measure others that way.”