A Good Woman

by Liz Cronkhite

  Aly met her eyes and nodded slowly to indicate how important it was to her. “Ab-so-lute-ly.”

  Erika went back to her room to finish getting ready and when she came back out to leave she kissed her girls, as usual. The girls went off to their rooms and then, not as usual, she went to Aly, who was standing at the kitchen sink. She put a hand on Aly’s lower back and looking in her eyes said softly, “I’ll see you tonight.”

  Aly’s heart soared. This was not the gesture of a woman who was afraid of being misread. Whatever Erika felt about her, whether her feelings were nascent or stronger, she was free to openly love her now. “You will,” she managed to say, looking with raw emotion into Erika's beautiful eyes.

  She floated through the day after that and did not get much done. Her only question now was how far along Erika’s feelings were. If they were only beginning, there was the chance they would never reach as far as her own. But she resolved to not hold back her own feelings any longer. She would be totally honest. Which meant telling Erika her feelings went all the way back to Halloween, and that she had lied to her since. That would not be a comfortable conversation

  When she picked up the girls that afternoon she thought about how her relationship to them was going to change. She didn’t want to get too far ahead of herself, but it certainly was not going to be the same. What if Erika wanted to just date? Would Aly still live in the house? Everything was up in the air, but she trusted it would land well. She trusted in Erika to work things out with her. It was wonderful to be able to lean into that.

  That afternoon she and the girls were just starting dinner when Erika called. “I won’t be home for dinner. I don’t know when I’ll be home. Teena’s in a crisis. We’re trying to get her help.”

  Damn. “Okay.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Me, too.” She remembered something. “You have an early start tomorrow.”

  “Yep.” Erika sighed. “Tell the girls I’ll miss them.”

  “I will.”

  “This is the worst time for this. I need to talk to you.”

  Aly closed her eyes and smiled. Now she understood those looks and statements about time earlier in the week. She looked at the girls. “Yes, we need to talk.”

  But it was not to be that night. Erika called after nine. “I’m not going to make it home tonight. We’re not done with Teena yet and I have to be up early. I’ll catch some sleep in Julio’s office later.”

  Grrrr. “Okay. I’ll check on the girls in the night.”

  “Thank you. Aly, I want…oh, this is so frustrating!”

  “We can talk tomorrow.”

  “I’ve got that damned social thing of Whitney’s.”

  “After. Or this weekend. I’m not going anywhere.”

  She heard Erika let out a deep breath. “That is so good to hear.”

  More sure of Erika and tired from not sleeping the night before, she slept well, waking once to use the toilet and check on the girls. In the morning, the girls were clearly not comfortable with Erika still gone. She was always there. Lu said it was weird and Aly agreed.

  Whitney was worried about the dance. “I know she will do everything to be there,” Aly said, but that was not good enough for Whitney.

  47

  Aly got a little more work done that day, but she found herself staring into space for long periods of time. Around noon she got a text from Erika. It was an emoji of a dozen red roses and said, “Thinking of you.” Aly sent back a dreamy looking emoji with hearts floating around it.

  “Have you heard from Mom?” were Whitney’s first words when she got into Gigi that afternoon. Aly said she had not heard anything about the dance. Phones were not allowed during class hours at The Verkammer, but Whitney already had hers in her hand and turned on when she got in. She started texting as soon as she had her seat belt on.

  The social was in a banquet room at the Red Rock Hotel from six until nine. Aly knew Whitney wanted Erika’s help with dress and make-up. They had to eat an early dinner and pick up Julio as they dropped her and Lu off at his home. It was going to be a close thing.

  At four, Whitney received a text from Erika saying she was on her way. She was coming from downtown, but Whitney felt better. Aly and Lu heated up tomato soup and made sandwiches for dinner.

  Erika finally breezed in at four forty and Whitney was on her quickly. “I need to shower and change. I’ve been in the same clothes for two days,” she said as she put her briefcase on one of the stools at the bar. Whitney made noises and Erika only had time to exchange a meaningful look with Aly before she headed to her bedroom with Whitney at her heels. “Bring your make-up to my room.”

  Lu brought their dinners to them, the soup in mugs, as they prepared for the evening. They were ready to go forty minutes later.

  Whitney wore a lavender flared Evangeline dress with one shoulder. Erika had changed into brown slacks and the sharply cut white top she wore to the Halloween party. Aly smiled as she thought of her revelation that evening and its coincidence with what was occurring between them now. Oh, how wonderfully things had changed!

  Erika caught the smile and cocked her head, but Aly just said quietly, “You look beautiful.” This was true, but it was also apparent that she was exhausted.

  They still had to pick up Julio, and Whitney was anxious to get moving. “We’ll be fashionably late,” Erika said to a frustrated Whitney as the four of them marched in a line out to the garage. “You don’t want to arrive right at six.”

  “But the dance is only three hours,” Whitney whined.

  Aly drove, and on the way she prompted Erika to talk about her week. She had gotten a continuance on the case Teena had nearly wrecked, won one of the custody cases while the other was still being worked out, she and Thea got Teena to admit herself for a psychiatric evaluation, and the meeting that morning went well.

  “A productive week,” Aly commented.

  “But there was more I wanted to get to this week,” she said softly.

  “Tonight,” Aly responded, just as softly.

  At Julio’s, Aly met Erika’s eyes and squeezed her hand as she and Lu got out of Gigi. Julio took the driver’s seat and he and Whitney and Erika were off.

  She and Lu settled in Julio’s man cave family room and put on an action adventure movie that she struggled to follow. Soon she would know exactly where she stood with Erika. The night could not move fast enough.

  It was a Friday, so Lu could wait up to hear about the dance. Next year she would be in the sixth grade and attend it herself. But Aly sent her off to shower and get into her pajamas when the movie was over. Before she left the room, Aly gave her a big hug and said, “You know I love you and your sister very much, don’t you?”

  “Yeah,” she said, hugging her back. But then she looked up at her and said, “Why? Are you going somewhere?”

  On the contrary. “I’m not going anywhere, sweetie.”

  It was nine thirty when Julio and Whitney came into the kitchen from the garage. Whitney was still wired from the dance, which she had enjoyed. She and Lu went up the stairs chattering about who was there with whom.

  Julio told Aly Erika was in the car. “She’s practically asleep on her feet. She was yawning all night,” he said.

  She said goodnight and, her heart rate up in anticipation, went out through the bright garage into the night. The aluminum door hummed shut behind her. A streetlight and the accent lights around Julio’s home softly illuminated the darkness.

  Erika was not in the car, but leaning against it, her arms folded. Their eyes met as soon as Aly stepped onto the driveway and they stayed locked until she reached her.

  Erika took her hand. “Aly, I’m so tired, I can’t wait anymore. I love you and I need to know if there is any hope that one day you could return my feelings.”

  She loves me. She loves me. “I love you, too,” she said, caressing her face. “I have for a long time.”

  “Really?” Erika searched her eyes.

&nb
sp; “Yes.” She took her in her arms. “For a long time.”

  48

  When they got home, Erika went to change into her loungewear and Aly made her soap tea. She switched on the fireplace and when Erika joined her there they snuggled together under a blanket on a lounger. Ah, to stretch freely along each other’s body without reservation!

  “This is dangerous,” Erika said. “You never know what might start here.”

  “Mmm, I hope something gets started. But maybe after you sleep. You’re exhausted. And we have a lot to talk about first.”

  The first thing they discussed was how Erika’s little speech the other night came about. Her first clue that Aly might return her feelings was the look Aly gave her after she held her the night of The Incident. But that was not enough for her. It had been such an emotional day she didn’t trust what she saw.

  The second clue was Julio having a serious discussion with her a couple of days later. He wanted to know if there was something between them. She could honestly say no. But he had seen them interact in the incident tent and had seen them embracing outside that night. He told her they looked like two women who cared deeply about each other, not just two good friends. With these two clues, Erika wanted to seriously consider that Aly might return her feelings, but she was so busy she couldn’t find enough time to think about her.

  The final clue was Lu, who, when Aly was out on Sunday, asked if Erika ever thought of hooking up with her. She had responded that Aly was not interested in her. Lu said Aly said something similar. This struck Erika because she thought Aly would have just expressed her own lack of interest. “So I told her to start at the beginning and tell me exactly what was said and every look and gesture,” she laughed. “I interrogated my own child!”

  After this, she couldn’t help but think about Aly. She reevaluated everything that had passed between them recently. She saw that there were things that she said and did that could be interpreted in a new way. Maybe Aly had become interested in her. She determined to talk to her, but she was still so frustratingly busy. Finally, on Wednesday, she took the small opportunity that presented itself expecting that they would have time to talk the next evening. “I was deliberately vague because I wanted to see how my possibly having feelings for you would land with you.”

  “If you must know, it was torture. I wasn’t sure how to read what you said. I went back and forth all night. It wasn’t until you put your hand on my back in the kitchen that I felt safe in my interpretation.”

  “I wasn’t sure which way you went until you looked at me so intensely when I asked if we could talk that night. That’s why I felt safe to send a clear signal. And then from there your signals were clear and I tried to make mine clear…”

  But how long had Erika been in love with her? Aly wanted to know. Erika admitted she wasn’t sure how to answer that. She knew after January, which is how she referred to That Night. She had expected after they made love that something was beginning between them and her rejection - Erika’s word - had come as a real blow. Aly heard this with a moan of agony and covered her face.

  Erika tried to reassure her that it was okay, but she said, “You don’t know the worst of it. But go on. I’ll explain later.”

  Erika was miserable the week after, but didn’t understand her own feelings. That’s why she went to see Ronnie. It wasn’t until she had several long talks with her that she figured it out. First, she realized she was feeling grief. Ronnie said, “Well, you lost a friend.”

  Of course, Ronnie knew what was going on, but she wanted Erika to realize it for herself. And Erika soon did. She realized she lost more than a friend. She was in love with Aly and had probably been for a while. She was always attracted to her - “your bedroom eyes and smoky voice” - even when they were just acquaintances. After running into Aly in June, she deliberately brought her up to Anita. “I can’t say I was thinking of asking you out right then, but I’d say you were a prospect in the back of my mind.”

  “Really? Back then?”

  “Why are you so surprised?” Erika playfully pinched her chin. “Then when I spoke with people about you and you were so universally praised and respected I became intrigued. How come I didn’t know all this about Aly Wong before? I mean, we’d been acquainted for a while.”

  Still, as Anita had guessed, she had interviewed her more as a courtesy to Anita than in any expectation she’d work out. But then she handled the girls better than the others she interviewed. “You kept surprising me in lovely ways.”

  When she came to work for her, Erika had convinced herself any attraction would not be an issue. The relationship was professional and she could maintain that boundary. But Aly was under her skin early on. There were a lot of little attractions, physical and emotional. She was always there, not just in the house, but in her mind. She didn't pursue her because of their positions. And she was always so busy with work and the girls it was easy to push aside anything else. But if Aly had at any time shown any interest, she would have been open to it.

  Aly again covered her face in pain and said she would explain later.

  When Erika broke up with Leesa she found she kept comparing Leesa to Aly, with Aly always winning the comparison. And she found such comfort in confiding in her. “Everything I wanted was right here in you, yet I wouldn’t see it. Not totally, anyway. Do you remember my grabbing your hand at Christmas?”

  “Yes! The hand hug. What was that about?”

  “You have a name for it,” Erika laughed, taking Aly’s left hand in another hand hug. “I did it without thought. It just seemed so natural to take your hand. And then I felt this…current between us and I dropped it.” She shook her head. “This is why Ronnie says I don’t understand my own heart. Things like that happen and I find ways to dismiss them or justify them. Lawyers, you know. Too much in the head.” She tapped hers.

  But that hand hug did get her attention. In January, on That Night, when she had too much to drink, her inhibitions were down and she wanted to explore her feelings for Aly. It was selfish, drunken tunnel vision. She didn’t even consider the effect on Aly. Or that the girls were home! She sat close to Aly to see if she felt that current again. And she did. Then she leaned into her and wanted more. She wanted to get on top of her, frankly. She playfully stroked the tattoo…

  “I seduced you,” she confessed.

  Aly laughed. “I did not feel seduced. I thought I took advantage of a vulnerable woman.”

  When they made love, Erika felt so safe and free because it was Aly, her valued and trusted friend. And, again, Aly had surprised her. Her passion. “I was so used to you coming close and pulling away. Hot and cold. And that night was all heat.”

  “I didn’t hold back. I finally had you where I wanted you. The wine helped me push all boundaries away.”

  That’s why, the next day, Erika was so shocked by her pulling so completely away. She went from boiling hot to ice cold. She wondered if Aly made love like that when she didn’t care, what was she like when she did care? “But then I thought maybe the wine skewed my perception.”

  When she got home from San Francisco she felt clear, but sad. She knew she was in love with Aly, but Aly wasn’t interested in her. She had lost her as a friend, too. And she had the sense that she was getting ready to leave at any moment. When Julio mentioned the contract and Aly didn’t say anything, she really began to fear she would go. But she didn’t know what she wanted herself. She didn’t want to lose Aly and yet she couldn’t stand to be around her and not have her. And the girls loved her and she was the best nanny they’d had. She felt stuck.

  “That was my exact conflict, too," Aly said. It was her time to tell her love story and she began with, “I knew I was in love with you at the Halloween party…”

  Erika’s shock was expected and yet still hard for her to bear. She told her about the moment she realized her love, her agonizing November when Erika was seeing Leesa, her recovery in December and January as their friendship deepened, and that
she pulled away not because she was afraid that Erika would think she was interested in her, but because she was afraid she would know she was interested in her. In short, she had been lying to her since the end of October and she was very sorry.

  Erika was quiet for a while. Finally, she said, “I have to rethink everything.”

  Aly could see she was shaken by her deception and it frightened her. For the first time she wondered if she was no better than Toy. But that was a somber thought for another time. “Please tell me I haven’t lost you over this,” she said quietly.

  Erika looked at her in surprise. “Because you loved me much longer than I knew?”

  “Because I lied to you. I deceived you.”

  Erika kissed her lips tenderly and stroked her face. “Baby, you’re not going to lose me. I did the same thing these two months. It was complicated, for both of us. It’s hard to leave someone you love even when you can’t have her. I wanted you to go and I wanted you to stay. The girls - ”

  “I don’t want you to think it’s characteristic of me to deceive like that. It’s not natural to me. It was miserable. It’s why I finally caved and let my feelings show during The Incident. It’s why I was going to leave.”

  “So you were going to leave.”

  “But I would have told you why. I owed it to you. I realized that lying to you was not loving you.”

  “And that is why I love you. Your integrity,” she said with that soft look that Aly now knew was love. “I planned to tell you my feelings if you left, too.” She put her arms around Aly and her head on her chest. “It’s comforting to know this would have happened eventually if it didn’t happen now.”

  Aly held her close, reassured. But a moment later Erika sat up abruptly. “For five months! How blind was I?”