A Good Woman

by Liz Cronkhite

  “I worked very hard at hiding it. And I pushed you away. And I hurt you. You had a lot of reasons to not see it.”

  “Hell, I didn’t know my own feelings.” She gave it all more thought. “I’m relieved, actually. Because now I understand your pulling away every time we got close. I was afraid that was characteristic of you. And that would be hard to live with.”

  Aly pulled her close again. “I have no reason to pull away now. I’m all yours.”

  “Mmm, I like the sound of that.” Erika kissed her. “In January you didn’t give me a chance. You wouldn’t even look at me that morning. I can see why you hid your feelings before that, but - "

  Aly closed her eyes briefly in pain. “I just never thought a woman like you would be interested in me. I never questioned that assumption.”

  “But I always made an effort to let you know how well I thought of you.”

  “I thought that had more to do with you than with me.”

  “Has it changed? Can you accept that I love you?”

  “Yes, I do. I wholly do.”

  “What changed?”

  “A series of things, I think. The way you have always treated me as an equal. When I saw Bianca here I was intimidated at first and then I realized I fit here more than she did - ”

  “That’s for sure.”

  “ - Anita pointed out how we are alike where it counts, inside. I was judging myself by a different standard than I judged others. I learned what I really valued and found I lived up to that. I valued the same things in both of us.”

  “You learned. You grew. That’s what I value in you. Over the years we’ll make mistakes, but all we can ask of each other is to learn and - What?” Erika made a small, curious smile at Aly’s beaming face.

  “You said ‘over the years’."

  “You like that idea?” Erika’s smile widened.

  “Yes! Of course. I wasn’t sure where you were with us…”

  “Well…I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you. Is that okay with you?”

  Aly’s heart soared almost beyond what she could tolerate. She had tears in her eyes when she answered softly, “It’s everything I want.” She kissed Erika and held her close. “I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain.”

  Erika sighed and slid down to put her head on her chest again, a leg over her legs. She snuggled in. Aly knew she was getting sleepy. “Oh, baby, if I had known my own heart earlier I might have given you some signal. Or I might have read you better. We were both blind in our way. I was terrified I’d found what I wanted in you and couldn’t have it. And then I almost lost you through my denial.” She squeezed her. “I’m just so grateful we’re here now.”

  They were quiet for a while and Aly thought she might have gone to sleep. “I should get you to bed.”

  “Mmm hmm.” Erika looked up, her sleepy eyes full of desire.

  “I mean to sleep,” Aly said. But Erika scooted up and brought her lips to hers and they kissed for a long while, hands roving to bare skin and sensitive places. Eventually, reluctantly, Aly broke it off. “I want you sober and awake when we make love again.”

  “I’m awake now." She leaned in for more.

  But Aly held her off. “You are making this very difficult. You need to sleep.” She helped her up and shut off the fireplace and the lights as they went through the house to Erika’s - to their - bedroom.

  She helped Erika into bed, stripped herself to t-shirt and underpants, and climbed under the covers behind her. Erika was soon asleep in her arms.

  49

  Aly was awake at six and she left Erika sleeping. She showered in her old room, had breakfast, straightened up the house. Sometimes, she just wandered contemplating the transformation of her life. Erika loved her. It was a wonder. Or maybe the greater wonder was that she believed it.

  She had a family now. Two girls. Would Erika want more? She did, but if Erika did not want to do babies again she understood. It was not a deal breaker if she said no. But Julio was such a great father. Would he want more? Ah, she was getting ahead of herself.

  The Milton seniors were wonderful, gracious people. And they got along well with the people who meant most to her. Holidays were going to be warm and lovely.

  Even Bianca and Aziza were family now. Ha!

  She was so used to thinking this beautiful house with its amazing view was temporary, she was going to have to make a mental shift. She had a place to spread out her roots. She would be financially secure. There was a lot to adjust her mind to.

  She would get Erika to look into her divorce and see if anything was missed and could be done about Toy’s debt.

  There were many good people who would be happy for them. Her father and brother. The Miltons. Cass, Anita, Gemma, Dave. Maybe, in some small way, Linda might be, too. Nah. That was too much to expect.

  While contemplating her bliss, she had some serious moments, too. The pain she had caused herself and Erika was not something she dismissed now that she knew and trusted that Erika loved her. She had initially deceived herself about her feelings for Erika, but this she could forgive because she was afraid of the hurt that did follow. The pain that she now knew did not have to follow. Erika would have been receptive to her feelings all along, even when she could not yet match her own. Her insecurity had made her blind to Erika. She could look back now and see that there were signs of her receptivity, especially as they grew closer. But she didn’t fault herself for her interpretations, because the signs were not clear. Erika missed her at Christmas, gave her a hug and kiss on New Year’s day. These could have been the gestures of a friend. And, after all, Erika was not yet aware of her own feelings, either.

  But what Aly did fault was not giving Erika a chance, even if it was to reject her. She knew how thoughtful and caring and kind Erika was. It was what she loved about her. If Erika could not return Aly's feelings she would have been pained, yes, but she would never have just thrown her out. She would not want Aly around for Aly’s sake, but she would have helped her find another situation. She had not given Erika her due, and this caused her a lot of painful reflection. If she had been fair to Erika, not just through honesty but through her evaluation of her, she would have known of Erika’s feelings sooner. She would have spared both of them a lot of pain.

  It was like a knife slash to her heart to think of how Erika must’ve felt when she “rejected” her the morning after That Night. She remembered how blown away Erika was afterward. As much as Aly was herself. How could she not have seen it? She knew she thought it was Erika being hard on herself and being sad over losing their friendship. She remembered all of her interpretations and justifications through the lens of her own insecurities. They made such sense at the time. But it was a lesson for her in not always being so certain of her own interpretations, especially when they involved low feelings about herself. She hadn't learned the lesson from her relationship with Toy. She missed Toy's deception because, feeling less than, she blindly trusted her with their money. With Erika, she didn't trust and was blind to Erika's love because she didnt feel deserving

  As for being like Toy, she realized the difference between them. Her deception had eaten at her. She finally put an end to it by showing her love and meant to eventually tell Erika her feelings outright if Erika didn’t figure them out. Of course, she was certain that Toy’s deceptions ate at her too. But she just turned back to her addiction to deal with her pain. Poor Toy! Her illness kept her in a vicious cycle of self-loathing. Aly could only hope she hit bottom and would spin out of the cycle.

  ◆◆◆

  It was almost nine when Erika emerged, rumpled but rested. She was adorable. How did I ever see her as an Ice Queen?

  “I never sleep that much. Must be love,” she said, giving Aly minty toothpaste kisses and a long embrace at the bar. “I can’t believe this is real. I’m so grateful I could burst.”

  “I’ve been feeling that all morning.”

  While Erika ate a breakfast of English muffins wit
h strawberry jam and coffee, Aly shared some of what she had processed that morning. It was so refreshing to have no restraints. It was to be fully alive to love her freely and be totally open with her.

  Erika noticed. “I love you like this.”

  “If you ever sense I am pulling away, you have my permission to get in my face about it.”

  “Oh, don’t think I won’t!” She grew serious. “And that goes both ways. You have my permission to draw me out. Help me find my feelings.”

  “I will. No barriers. That’s my commitment to you from now on. Openness and honesty. No matter how painful I fear it will be. I trust you.”

  Erika looked moved and searched her eyes thoughtfully for a moment. “I trust you too. And I commit to that, too.”

  She finished her breakfast, pushed her plate and mug aside, stood up, and moved between Aly’s spread legs. With her warm hands around Aly’s neck she leaned in and gave her a suggestive strawberry tinged kiss. “Was that open and honest enough?”

  “Uh-huh.” Aly was suffused with tingly warmth. Her feet had melted away.

  Erika stroked her cheek with the back of her hand and said softly, “I’ve wanted you again for so long. Come on.” She took Aly’s hand and led her to their bedroom.

  ◆◆◆

  Later, after making love, as they lay entwined face to face, Aly said, “Even better sober. Go figure.”

  “Mmm hmm. Naturally uninhibited.”

  “I was afraid it was the wine.”

  “Me, too. But it definitely was not.”

  ◆◆◆

  They spent the weekend between the bedroom and the kitchen. As they ate breakfast Sunday morning Erika said, “You know, if it’s uncomfortable staying in my house we could get one that’s ours.”

  Aly looked at her in horror. “I love this house! Anyway, you only lived here without me for a year. It will be ours eons longer than that. Besides, if I made you give up that view it would undermine our relationship. You’d never forgive me.”

  “I think I could forgive you that,” Erika replied, then gave a playful smile. “Maybe just.”

  The evening arrived and the girls were due home. Aly went across the house for fresh clothes and they showered together in the master shower, which easily held the two of them. They would move her things into the master bedroom later that week, after the girls knew about their changed status.

  She was nervous about the girls’ reactions. Erika was too, but tried not to show it. However, she kept saying things like, “I believe in my girls. They love us both. They’ll be happy for us.”

  “Lu doesn’t want change.”

  “What’s going to change? You move into my bedroom, that’s it.”

  Aly laughed. “I hope my position in the family will change.”

  “Well, there is that,” Erika smiled. “But I don’t think that will be too big a shift for her, either.”

  When the girls arrived they said brief hellos and headed to their rooms. Erika went out to talk to Julio and in a couple of minutes he was in the house and hugging Aly. “Welcome to the family.” He turned to Erika. “Do you want me to stay when you tell the girls?”

  “Maybe you should. Back up.”

  She went to get the girls. Julio tried to reassure a visibly anxious Aly. “It will be fine. The girls love you and they want Erika to be happy.”

  She was not so sure. They loved her as their caretaker, not as their mother’s partner.

  Erika came out with the girls trailing and motioned them to their seats at the bar. She and Aly stood in front of them and she took Aly’s right hand in both of hers, cleared her throat, and made the straight forward announcement. “Aly and I have fallen in love.”

  The girls looked back and forth between them. Then Lu exclaimed, “You were right, Dad!”

  Aly and Erika looked at Julio. He shook his head in wide eyed innocence and spread his hands. “I did not say this. I only asked if they ever thought you two would hook up.”

  “I knew something was going on between you,” Whitney said. “You’ve been acting so weird.”

  Aly and Erika exchanged small smiles before Erika continued. “So Aly is my partner now, She’s moving into my bedroom.” She looked at Aly. “Our bedroom. And she’s not our child care assistant any more. She’s family. She’s another parent.”

  “Oh, god, four mothers,” Whitney moaned, dropping her head.

  “A very diverse set of mothers,” Julio observed. “Do you girls have anything else you want to say?”

  Whitney caught on first. “I guess if you guys are happy I’m happy for you,” she said matter-of-factly. It was no surprise to Aly that Whitney was, like her mother, more head than heart. She was another one to help tease out her feelings.

  “I’m happy for you, too,” Lu said dutifully. “I like Aly better than the tall one.”

  “Amen to that,” Erika laughed and opened her arms to her girls.

  Lu went to her and gave her a big hug. She gave the same to Aly. Then, with adolescent indifference, Whitney gave each a brief embrace.

  “Are you going to get married?” Lu asked.

  “Oh, wow,” Aly uttered in surprise. She was already feeling nearly overcome with gratitude thinking about the amount of love her new family brought to her life.

  “Well, we’re just getting used to this being real,” Erika said. Then she turned to look at her with love shining in her eyes. “But I like to think that someday soon we will discuss that.”

  Aly shook her head in wonder and returned the loving look. “You keep blowing me away.”

  End

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you to my readers, Courtney, Hannah, Elaine, Coby, and Ed, for your feedback and corrections (tortilla chips!).

  About the Author

  Liz Cronkhite is a life coach and spiritual teacher. She has published five non-fiction books dealing with spiritual themes. This is her first published work of fiction. You can learn more about her at www.lizcronkhite.net.