We Were Us

by Heather Diemer

  “Okay. Yeah.” I did nothing to hide my disappointment.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow though, okay?” he said and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

  “For what?”

  “I don’t know,” He whispered in my ear when he hugged me. I smiled.

  “I love you,” I said before I kissed him long and slow so he had to hold my face and wrap his arm around me. Mixed feelings raced through my mind. I’d fallen for Josh, hard, but there was Andrew. I needed to figure out what was going to happen between us when I went back to school.

  A small knock on the screen door startled both of us. Lauren stood on my porch bathed in the dim yellow light of the porch light holding a casserole dish.

  “Hi Lauren.” My voice came out several octaves above my normal range.

  “Lauren,” Josh said coolly and opened the door for her. What the hell was he doing? I didn’t want her in here especially after we’d just almost had sex on the couch.

  “I…uh…my mom made you this because she was worried you were eating only peanut butter and jelly. I told her you did not have a lot of food in the house after I stayed at your house, so she made a lasagna and some kind of beef casserole. I just wanted to drop it off,” she said quickly not looking at either of us.

  “Thanks, Lauren,” I said and grabbed the two dishes from her.

  “You’re welcome,” she said, still not looking at me.

  The silence was deafeningly awkward. We all shifted from one foot to the other and back again.

  “Well I should go,” Josh said finally, his voice was really loud and obnoxious. He left quickly without another word and all but sprinted to his truck. The tires squealed as he sped away. Geez.

  “So you and Josh,” Lauren squeaked.

  “Yeah,” I said sheepishly.

  “I wonder what Michelle would think.”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her.”

  “You haven’t?” Lauren looked appalled.

  “No,” I looked away from her. Her reaction bothered me. I looked back at Lauren again. She had her lips pursed together like she really wanted to say something but was debating whether or not to tell me. Knowing Lauren, this was an extremely difficult feat.

  “What is it Lauren?” I coaxed. I was usually good at getting things out of people.

  At the sound of my voice, she snapped out of her internal dilemma and stalked to the door.

  “You’ll just have to ask Josh about this one” And she left without another word. I’m sure her tires would have squealed too if she’d been a less cautious driver.

  Two people had left my house in an uncomfortable rush and I was left here alone and confused. Why did it even matter what Michelle thought? She had to know I was here. She’d made no effort to come see me. I guess I haven’t gone up to see her either though. We’re both bad friends. I think she should make the first move though. I didn’t have any real logic behind it other than it should just be that way because it’s less awkward for me.

  My phone pinged at me, notifying me of a text message. It was Andrew again. I rolled my eyes before answering it.

  we need to talk about what just happened

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “Josh, everyone will know about us now!” I said exasperatedly into the phone. I’d called him almost as soon as Lauren had left. I was freaking out. I’d ignored Andrew’s text and decided to deal with him another day.

  “So? Why is that such a bad thing?” I could tell he was still upset by our conversation earlier.

  He had a good point I guess. Why did it matter? He was the one being secretive about our relationship to begin with and now he seemed fine with it. I had wanted to have a quiet summer away from everything and it was quickly dissolving right before my eyes.

  “It’s not I guess.” I rolled off the couch and turned the TV on. I flipped through some channels and landed on MTV. It was sad that they didn’t play music videos anymore.

  “So now that everyone knows we’ve been hanging out together.”

  “And kissing,” I interrupted Josh.

  “And probably more by now. We should go out to the bonfire Friday night at the river,”

  “The bonfire?” I asked. First he was mad at me and now he was suggesting we go out. Out in public.

  “For the Fourth of July,” he said like I should know what he was talking about.

  “It’s tradition! Everyone goes.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good idea Josh.”

  “I really want to go and I don’t want to go without you.”

  “I have never participated in this tradition.”

  “Seriously? Michelle never dragged you out.” He stopped short with his words like he regretted something he said.

  “No, I blew her off.”

  “Let’s go then.”

  I was silent on the phone while I contemplated what to do.

  “Please,” he pleaded. I imagined his eyes. They probably looked sad and puppy doggish. If he were here in person, I would say yes in a heartbeat. I didn’t know what it was about those stormy blues, but I just lost my head when I stared into them.

  “Well if you’re going to whine about it,” I said.

  “I’m not whining!”

  “Okay okay! I’ll go.” I had given in too easily.

  “Great!”

  Josh’s mood seemed to have done a one-eighty, but I wasn’t going to complain. If going to the bonfire tonight was going to get his mind off the inevitable fact that I was still leaving at the end of the summer and that we needed to figure out what that meant for us, then I’d go. Besides, we’d been holed up in my house or his all summer now, the least I could do was go out with him just this once. There’d be a ton of people out there anyway, which was a good thing in a way, I would probably run into the kids I used to go to school with, but kids from the whole county came out to this bonfire, so my chances of seeing people, especially in the dark, were slim. I’d just stay with Josh and steer clear of any familiar faces.

  “You know what this means, don’t you?” I asked.

  “No, what?” he responded.

  “We’ll be back at the river,”

  “In the river?”

  “Mmmhmmm,” I said trying to be seductive.

  “You’d do it in the river again?” he asked, catching my drift.

  “Yes. Would you?”

  “I’d go anywhere with you.” My seductiveness must have worked.

  “Well I’m about to hop in the shower if you want to go there with me.” Yes, I was totally going there.

  “I’ll be right there.” He hung up the phone before I could say anything else.

  Little fiery butterflies ignited in my belly. The memory of us in the river and the possibility of more excited me.

  Josh was at the front door in record time.

  “Hey,” he said slowly.

  “Hey,” I blushed.

  “How about that shower?” he teased.

  I started walking backwards and he followed. I grabbed his hand and turned, pulling him along behind me. Once in the bathroom, Josh’s expression changed instantly. His eyes darkened and his face turned serious. The butterflies he ignited while we were still on the phone sprang from my belly into every inch of my body, setting every nerve on fire. I needed to get into that shower soon or I was going to explode into flames.

  I slipped out of my clothes and quickly turned the water on and hopped in. I was blasted with ice-cold water, just what I needed to cool down before Josh came in. I heard him shuffle on the other side of the curtain, then waited anxiously as he slowly pulled in back.

  “Hey there,” he said seductively.

  I just stood there at the back of the tub letting the warming water wash over my legs, my eyes glued to his body. All of it. He stepped in and dipped his head under the steady stream of water. Still unable to speak, I watched the tiny droplets of water wash over his blond hair, down over his closed eyes, and over his cheeks. At that point, some dripped off his chin
to the bottom of the tub, but some slid down the side of his neck, over his tight, muscled chest, down even further over his washboard abs and past his hips. I lost the droplets there but I didn’t raise my eyes back up to find a new one to follow.

  “Jenna,” Josh said softly.

  I snapped my head up to meet his eyes. He stepped toward me out of the shower’s flow. I could feel my body tense in anticipation of his touch and when it came, I instantly relaxed, falling into him and letting him hold me. He placed one hand on the side of my face, the other was wrapped around my waist. He kissed me softly on the lips then pulled away. I whimpered and threw my arms around his neck and pulled him back to me, crashing my lips against his.

  “I want you,” he said between kisses.

  “I want you too,” I returned.

  He turned me and pressed my back up against the wall. We were totally going to have sex in my shower.

  ***

  “Are you only allowed to have sex in water?” I asked playfully. I was about to blow-dry my hair. It was kind of a pointless action seeing as we were sitting at about ninety percent humidity, but it was habit, and I wanted my hair to at least start out looking decent.

  “Apparently,” Josh said from behind me. “We should get going soon,”

  I flipped off the blow dryer and ran a brush through my long hair one more time. I had to search from my old bathing suit since the new one I’d bought last year was somewhere down the river. I finally found it at the bottom of my closet. It still fit, but barely. My boobs were bigger than they used to be and weren’t as well covered as I liked them to be. Josh didn’t seem to mind. He stared at my chest the whole rest of the time I was getting ready. I finally had to grab a tank top and cover up so we could leave.

  We finally left the house, but we sat in his truck in front of my house for another twenty minutes and kissed. He couldn’t keep his hands off my chest and I regretted putting on the bikini. I wasn’t going to swim in the river in the dark anyway. I finally pushed him off me and we set out down the road to the old high way. The sun had all but set with only a thin line of orange visible on the horizon. As I sat in his truck remembering what had just happened in the shower, and just now in the truck, the song Josh had claimed as ours, came on the radio.

  “Hey, listen to that,” Josh said proudly. He looked over at me with a huge grin on his face. “It’s our song,”

  “It’s not our song,” I said. I leaned my head back and just stared at the ceiling of the truck.

  “If you say so,” he said and continued to sing along with the song.

  I just stared out the window and tried to tune out the music. I watched the houses disappear and the farmland take over. First, the cows scattered over the fields, then the crops began and carried on past the turn off for the river. There was my ‘secret’ way to the river, but there was actually a simpler way there. If you followed the old highway and turned down the second dirt road on the right, the drove about a mile, the road ended right at the river. Everyone backed their trucks up to the water, opened their tailgates and we’d just sit, drink, and talk it up until the fireworks from the next town over start popping up over the tree line. I’d been out here once, my freshman year, but I wasn’t well received. I was asked repeatedly if I had any drugs on me and when I said no, I was called a slut or a whore. It was sad really.

  This town couldn’t get beyond who their parents were. It wasn’t just me either. Of course Michelle had an in because her dad was the mayor. Being the mayor of a town of less than five hundred people didn’t mean much, but to this town it meant everything. Josh’s dad was the town hero back in his high school days. He led the football team in its only winning season and only state championship. Ever. So of course, Josh, even though he didn’t carry on the legacy his father did, still held onto the notoriety that came with it. It’s like we were all judged.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  The party looked in full swing as we came up upon the riverbank. I could see the bonfire coming to life on the opposite bank as Josh pulled up to the river. He flipped his truck around and backed into a spot between two massive cherry red pickups. I knew nothing about trucks, whatsoever, but I thought Josh had an impressive truck. It was deep blue with chrome accents and an extended cab, or whatever you called it. But these two trucks were double the size with fog lights mounted on the top and an extra grill on the front. Even the tires were bigger.

  Josh shoved the gear shift into park and looked over at me. I knew he was excited to be here and excited to be out with me in public although I’m not sure why. We’d been hiding out all summer and I was perfectly happy to keep us hidden. This suddenly felt like a bad idea. Of course Josh would fit in here and slip right back into his old routine with his old friends, but I had no old routine or old friends. Just stale memories of people who didn’t like me. I stared straight ahead back in the direction from which we came. The corn was taller than it was six weeks ago when I’d arrived. It was about chest high now and with all the headlights pointing toward the field, I could see tiny, thin ears of corn sprouting from the stalks. Josh exited the truck and slammed his door shut. In a second, he was opening my door. I didn’t look at him, instead kept my focus on the corn.

  “What is it?” Josh asked. He set his hand on my bare thigh

  “I’m not so sure about this,” I said and folded my fingers into his.

  “What? Why?” Josh grabbed my face with his free hand and turned it so I was looking down at him.

  “I don’t know. Just because of everything. You being you, me being me, my mom, Michelle,”

  He just smiled and shook his head.

  “Crazy girl, can’t we just have fun tonight?”

  I contemplated how I would be having fun. Sitting with Josh on his truck, the same loud music blasting from all the trucks at the same time, dancing, swimming, eating drinking. Maybe I did need to lighten up. I wondered if Michelle would be here.

  “Is Michelle going to be here?” I said verbalizing my thoughts.

  “Uh, no. She’s not.” Josh looked pained as he turned away from me when he said that.

  “Oh, okay then.” I grabbed Josh’s hand and he lifted me out of the truck. I slid down into his arms.

  “You look amazing by the way,” he whispered into my ear. “You’ve really filled out the suit nicely.” I slapped him playfully for that. I did need to lighten up. I’d been telling myself all summer that I was just here for a quiet summer away, but that didn’t mean I had to actually stay in the quiet of my house the whole time. I deserved to get out a little. No one would remember me anyway. Right?

  Josh grabbed my hand and pulled me around to the back of his truck where a few people had already gathered. Across the river, some boys were tossing sticks into the tire rim that contained the fire.

  “Josh, man! I haven’t see you all summer! How’s it been?” It was a boy I recognized but really couldn’t remember his name.

  “Hey Jake! Good. Just working a lot. You remember Jenna right?”

  The boy looked at me and cocked his head to this side and studied me closely.

  “Jenna. Jenna Mitchell? Wow. I haven’t seen you in like two years! Where have you been?”

  “Umm…”

  “She’s back for the summer from college,” Josh said interrupting me.

  “Well that’s great! Welcome to the party! Grab a beer!” He was really enthusiastic.

  Well, that wasn’t so bad. He didn’t seem to know me or really remember me. Maybe this whole ‘this town hates me’ line of thinking was all in my head.

  The sun had set by now and more trucks had arrived until the bank was completely lined with them. Those with rear face fog lights had them turned on. Every truck was tuned to the same country station and Keith Urban and Miranda Lambert blasted across the waters.

  “Hey it’s our song again,” Josh yelled over the music

  “No, this is not our song. Didn’t we discuss this already?”

  “But I love it!”
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  “It’s not a love song,” I mumbled back.

  Josh was in a good mood tonight and I didn’t want to ruin it. He was having fun dragging me around from truck to truck greeting everyone. Some people remembered me, some didn’t. Some eyed me suspiciously, mostly the girls. When we made our way back to his truck, he hopped up on the tailgate and pulled me between his legs. I looked up at him and he leaned down and kissed me long and slow on the lips. His tongue flicked quickly in and out of my mouth making the butterflies in my stomach dance.

  “Mmmm…You’re a good kisser,” I said. No one seemed to mind that I was here or that I was with Josh. Josh was happy to be out so I should be too. I mean, we had spent most of the summer shut away in my house. It was nice to be out, breathing in the warm summer air.

  The bonfire was in full swing now. The flames roared so loudly that I could hear them from across the river. I looked around from my perch between Josh’s legs. Most people were drinking, some were smoking. I didn’t want to do either, they weren’t habits I’d like to get into for several reasons. Some girls splashed around in the water hoping to coax their boyfriends to join them. I wondered how many other couples had done the deed in the river. Of course this triggered my memory of Josh and me in this very river, just a few feet from where we were now. I pictured his hard, naked body in front of me and his hands burning against my wet skin pushing be up against the tree.

  Josh let out a yelp that startled me out of my daydream. I had unknowingly dug my nails into Josh’s knees.

  “Hey, watch it.”

  “Sorry.” I kissed him again.

  “Were you thinking about us?” he whispered softly in my ear.

  “Yes,” I whispered back.

  “Me too.” He kissed me softly again and stared eagerly at me.

  “Let’s go eat something,” he said and hopped off the gate. I shimmied out of my shorts and tossed them and my shirt into his truck.

  “Damn,” Josh said quietly just to me.

  “You like?”

  “Oh yeah.” He put his arms around me and pulled me close to him. He unceremoniously grabbed my butt and squeezed it. “Can you feel what you’re doing to me?” he whispered.