Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

I told myself to smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. McHale. Please, call me Elle." I articulated, how…I had no clue. I don't even remember moving my mouth to say those words. I realized my hand was sticking straight out in front of me. Once again, my body had done this on its own accord because I have no memory of giving it permission.

  As his eyes hit mine, he clasped a gentle but very firm hand over mine. Right at that moment, a stillness I haven't felt in a long time washed over me and I found serenity. Nothing mattered, no kids fighting, no asshole husband. No bill collectors breathing down my back, everything was…gone. I was in my place. In the cab of that truck, wind blowing my hair around, the smell of this man filling my nostrils and the taste of him on my tongue. The baffling thought of how I had let him go long enough to drive us somewhere was filling my mind. I wanted him desperately… madly. This was my place, in my mind…no wait…he was here, right in front of me, holding onto my hand. The man who was and is supposed to be mine. My world… my one and only… the man who I told I would be anchored to throughout this life but yet, told to fuck off and that I never wanted to see again. MINE!! I quickly pulled my hand back and turned to leave when I heard Loren's concerned voice.

  "Elle, you alright? You look pale…like you've seen a ghost."

  You have no idea…but you're pretty damn close, Loren.

  "Actually Lor…ummm, Mr., Stevens, I'm not feeling well. I think I'm going to take a minute in the powder room. If you gentlemen will excuse me. Mr. Stevens, everything you need is right there. I will send Ginger in to help you with the presentation."

  I quickly, but yet professionally dashed out of Conference Room B. On my way to the restroom, I grabbed my purse and surged toward Ginger's desk to beg her to please take my place in the meeting. She had no issues with that and sauntered in there as though the world was peachy-perfect.

  I made it to the women's restroom and opened my bag with shaky hands, grabbed my phone and pushed the number five because if I had to dial Rachel's number, I didn't think I could do it.

  I heard "what's up bia…"

  "I know what my subconscious was trying to tell me."

  "You do…what…and why are you calling me on your cell, aren't you at work?"

  "I'm in the bathroom Rach, it's trying to tell me to get ready and to put up my guard."

  Giggling, "Get ready for what and why would you need to guard yourself, Jesus Elle, did you smoke something there in that bathroom? "

  "Rachel, would you fucking listen to me, it's trying to warn me."

  "Ok Elle, I'll bite. Warn you about what, what do you need to get ready for?"

  "My run in…with TJ."

  The line got quiet for a moment, like Rachel's mind was churning; either that or she was struggling not to panic.

  "Your what? What the fuck are you talking about, Elle?"

  "He's here Rachel…here in my office…in Conference Room B, sitting down with my boss signing a contract to purchase Richland Manufacturing. He's coming back to Richland."

  I heard Rachel gasp, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!"

  Chapter Three

  August 1992

  Looking at the mess I called a bedroom, not only did I feel sick to my stomach, I felt overwhelmed. Packing up everything that you have lived with for the last eighteen years was not an easy chore. I had collected a lot of shit. All these items I had, belonged in one of four boxes; decorations for my new apartment, a deterrent of home sickness, daddy's storage unit ,where everything of worth was kept or in the trash.

  I could not believe that by this time the following week Rachel and I would be in our new apartment and getting ready to begin our first day of college. Sitting on the edge of my bed I was waiting for my stomach to calm down and talking myself out of getting the stomach flu by convincing myself I was stressed out and needed to eat something lite.

  That night was the four of us' going away party. We all pitched in and since Rachel's parents were cruising around Mexico or the Bahamas at the time, we decided to use their house. It wasn't like they didn't have the space to hold two hundred of our closest friends. Their house could've been used as the main house in the remake of "Gone with the Wind". Set on, what looked like a plantation of 25 acres, it was an eighty-five hundred square foot home; nine bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, an indoor-outdoor pool and a theater room that sat fifteen people. But that wasn't the point…we really didn't have two hundred close friends Rachel, me and Lilly told someone who told someone and on and on.

  I finally called it quits on the packing thing around four and since I was still feeling nauseous, I decided I'd go downstairs and make a sandwich. Besides, I had to have a little something on my stomach so I could last more than an hour without passing out.

  Standing on a dining room chair, that was distinctly shaped like a small throne, in the middle of the large living area, I slurred, holding a shot of tequila above my head.

  "Come on my bitches…just one more shot. To college! May we become more experienced, life wise that is, baby…" I said, quickly looking at TJ and winking. "…and may we become wiser, since this is costing our parents a shitload of money!" I screamed as I heard two hundred voices simultaneously chiming together "Here, Here!!!" I cheered the air and tossed the shot back.

  TJ grabbed my hips and gently lowered me down as I laughed hysterically at nothing. Shouting over Def Leopard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me", I asked Lilly to go and grab a bottle of tequila so that we could refill our shot glasses for another fucked up toast. TJ, with beer in hand, yelled for her to grab another beer for him as well.

  "Baby, this is the best night of my life!!!" I screamed as I wrapped my arms around his neck, listening to the pandemonium around me. I wasn't really paying attention but I could hear people singing along with Def Leopard with strange voices.

  "Yeah, you said that last weekend too" TJ said as he laughed.

  "God baby, do you hear that? The lead singer of Def Leopard sounds like he got kicked in the balls!"

  TJ exploded into laughter "Darlin, I am just about ready to cut you off! Those are those dumb fucks behind you sucking on helium and singing with the music."

  I looked behind me and exhaled "Oh shit… that scared me!! I thought damn, that poor man" I exclaimed into riotous laughing as I swayed back and forth while grasping onto TJ's neck.

  I stopped swaying, looking TJ in the eyes and whispered right up next to his ear "Kiss me baby and then take me in your Auntie's room and ravage me."

  "Seriously? Elle-bean, I think that the moment you hit that bed you are gonna pass the fuck out."

  "No I won't" I argued.

  "Yes you will Elle, you're pretty drunk."

  "Trevor McHale, Are you gonna take me into your Auntie's bedroom and have your way with me or what?"

  "You think you can handle that?"

  "Hell yeah I can, I can handle anything you throw at me."

  "Ok then…you're on!"

  As the music changed to Garth Brooks "If Tomorrow Never Comes" people jumped up around us and started slow dancing. TJ grabbed my hand "Wait up a minute Darlin', I wanna dance with you."

  As I clasped my hands together around his neck, I laid my head against his chest and felt the vibration that was booming in his chest as he hummed along with the song. He began singing along, so I raised my head and looked up into his eyes and listened to him singing to me in his beautiful voice. I lifted my hand to his cheek, he turned so that his mouth was against my palm as he gently kissed it. I softly touched his face.

  Sobering up, I could feel the words to this song, the love that TJ carried for me, I felt it all. I would never have to question how much this man loved me, his love for me ran deep and whole heartily as mine ran for him. Never would another have our hearts because they belonged to the other.

  I felt like at this moment, I couldn't physically get close enough to him. He permeated me, every inch of me. My stomach was nauseous again and my emotions overwhelmed me. I was in need of leaving this room that seemed to be closing in all around me,
so I quickly and harshly pulled away from him.

  "Ellie-bean?"

  "I have to go to the bathroom."

  "What's the matter, are you feeling alright?"

  "No, I've just got to…I just need some air."

  "Ok, you wanna step outside?"

  "Sure" already on my way to find the door. Looking around I saw Bear and Rachel sitting at the dining room table involved in a game of Quarters. Seeing Lilly and Curt sitting on the couch laughing at a game of Asshole I relaxed a bit. As I opened the front door the cold, autumn Georgia night air hit me like a slap to the face. I closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath "oh…much better."

  Having come to rest in front of a large oak tree on the side of the house where the front flood lights had seemed to neglect, I slid down to sit. I crossed my arms over my knees and rested my forehead on top.

  "Elle, what happened in there?"

  Raising my head and watching for a moment, the scrutinizing look on his face, I considered lying but inherently the truth came out.

  "TJ, sometimes do you ever feel like we need this break?"

  Shaken, he got to his feet and defensively bowed up his back as if putting himself in self-dense mode.

  "What the fuck are you trying to say, Elleny?"

  "Baby, sit down, we're just talking" I tried to appease him.

  "No… I wanna know right now, what the fuck is behind this?"

  I took another deep cleansing breath to clear my head and began "I love you, TJ…so much, there is no way in the capacity of your brain could you even begin to comprehend how much."

  He took a step closer to me, I heard him take a breath to either calm his self or to show me he was taking in what I had just admitted to. He knelt down so that he could look in my eyes.

  "Babe, are you with me?"

  "What?"

  "Are you with me?"

  "Didn't you just hear what I said to you?"

  "Yeah, I did, now are…you… with… me?"

  I knew what he was looking for, striving for. He needed my reassurance. Even though I just told him that he was my whole complete world. My day, my night. My heart, my soul. He was mine, he still needed to hear those four-little-words.

  "Anchored to you, baby" I muttered through watery eyes and a throat that didn't want to work, instead wanted to whine like a new born baby. I grabbed a hold of the top of his shirt and pulled him down until we were mouth to mouth.

  That's when he said it, the words that tore my world apart.

  "Can't go a day without breathing and since you're my breath."

  He didn't get another word out, since I slammed my mouth down on his lips.

  I opened my mouth to give him the access he was craving. This wasn't just any ordinary kiss, it was strange. He acted like he couldn't get close enough to me, couldn't get deep enough. I kept trying to follow his lead and bring him in closer. Turning my head to the side didn't work. I briskly turned my head to the other side, that didn't work. At this point he pulled away.

  "Wha… wha… what are you doing?" I asked winded.

  "Take your clothes off now, lay them on the ground."

  "What? TJ are you crazy, it must be fifty degrees out here. We will catch cold."

  "Do It!" He demanded at the top of his lungs. I knew something wasn't right when I looked at him and noticed his veins were bulging on the side of his temple and his jaw was clutching and releasing quickly. He was acting like he was a drug addict and right in front of him laid his drug of choice and he couldn't get to it fast enough.

  "Baby…what's wrong?" I whimpered.

  That's when he came right up in my face, his eyes never left mine. He began to unbutton my blouse. Hands shaking, I didn't think he was going to be able to undo many more of them.

  Not caring, my clothes went flying. All I knew was that he had to have me, why he was acting like this, I had no clue.

  "Hurry Elle, oh my god baby, I'm aching for you, honey…make this pain go away." By this time I'm crying and can't figure out for the life of me what is happening and why he is acting like this.

  "Baby, I'm hurrying…Jesus Christ …what the fuck is it, Trevor". I laid down on top of my clothes completely naked. He wasn't even undressing. He grabbed my knees with his hands and gently opened my legs. His eyes never leaving mine, I could tell he was trying to maintain control but he was having a fuck of a time. He was losing it and it was killing me. Sobbing, tears mixed with mascara ran down my face, but he slowly wiped my cheeks.

  "This right here, baby…this is what connects us together. This right here, is how I can get you as close to me as I need you to be."

  He began running his fingers between my legs. I laid my head back, still sobbing, gasping for breath, I closed my eyes and just listened to every word he had to say. The cold breeze was blowing against my naked body but I didn't feel a thing but the heat between him and me.

  As he plunged his fingers deep into me he slurred "This right here is what anchors me to you, this is what will anchor me to you for the rest of my life."

  He gradually bent down and put his head between my legs and kissed tender, wet kisses on the inside of my thighs.

  "This pussy right here, is something that no one will ever know but me, it'n that right, baby?"

  Bawling, it took all the strength I had to mumble through the sobbing and blubbering "yeah baby, it's all yours."

  I felt myself getting close as he brought my clit in between his front teeth. I started breathing faster and began moving against him wildly while he penetrated me with his tongue, he began moaning and slurping against me. Hearing the heady moans coming from my mouth and feeling his hair in my fingers, I pushed him harder against me to encourage him not to stop as I heard myself gasp.

  "TJ, I'm coming." I whispered so soft I wasn't even sure he could hear me.

  "Give it to me Elle, it belongs to me baby, let me have it."

  That just made him go faster until I felt the first wave hit me like a ton of bricks. Then another wave and then another. Trying to catch my breath I felt him taking slow long draws, lapping and sucking like a starving man who was receiving his first and last meal.

  TJ dropped down beside me on the ground and threw his arm on top of his head and stared at the sky above us.

  I started grabbing for my clothes, when I heard him say "what you're feeling, what you just admitted to me, about loving me so much I wouldn't understand it? That is what I feel but so much more intense, Elle and for the life of me, I feel like I'm just hanging onto you by a thread and you're gonna cut me loose at any moment and then I won't know how to go on."

  I froze and dropped my clothes because I began to feel the waves of nausea and panic rise again in my stomach. Not because of what just happened, but because he was in agony, physically and emotionally. I could see a tiny amount of water run down his cheek, while he just stared up into a sky that not only was cloudless but starless as well. He had nothing to worry about when it came to other men, for me there was no one other than him.

  What bothered him, and he wouldn't admit it, but I could hear it in his voice, I could feel it in his touch. He wouldn't know how to get on with his life. He wanted a life where there was a well-defined line between me and him and him and the world. That feeling wasn't exactly foreign to me, since that was what I was feeling as well.

  I knew he wanted to go to school. I knew he wanted to play ball; this was what he was good at. I knew he wanted to get a degree in business and work investing money; this was what he was even better at. He didn't think he could live that life without me. We were totally suffocating each other. With what we thought was such a beautiful romance, that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old as one happy couple, we were metaphorically killing each other because we couldn't stand to be away from each other…no, we couldn't live without each other.

  "Can't go a day without breathing and since you're my breath."

  Something had to change. But what? Because he knew, I wasn't
going to cross that line and he just proved to me that he wasn't willing to cross that line either. I had to come up with something.

  Little did I know that our answer was with us all along, but at this point in time I had to pass the fuck out and sober up.

  So that's exactly what I ended up doing…in TJs auntie's bed after I threw up…and threw up again.

  "Wake the fuck up ya, muddah fuckahs!" Bear screamed through a mouth full of only god knew what. Hearing his voice mixed with the squishing of the food he was feasting on made me want to sit front row to a concert that was being thrown in the porcelain god concert hall. Thanks to the alcohol intake of the night before, hearing him scream throughout the bedroom made my head throb which in turn made my stomach even queasier.

  "Oh my God! Who is the one who will be taking an ass whooping for letting me drink so much." I gritted out through teeth that refused to stop clenching because if they do all hell was going to come up and my teeth were happy with not re-tasting "what shall not be named."

  "hmmmmm" I heard TJ groan next to me.

  Rachel joined in on the conversation like someone had called a meeting in the bedroom. "And who gave ya'll fucktards permission to sleep in my momma's bed?" Swinging her neck from side to side and snapping her fingers, she continued on with her little tirade "ya betta not have gotten shit on those sheets cuz I'd really have to whoop yo' ass. Plus, I don't feel like doin sheets and the maid don't come in til Monday."

  Suddenly, no matter how hard I clenched my teeth, my stomach decided to make the decision for me to unclench them. Running to the bathroom, I noticed TJ sat up quickly in bed. I made it to the toilet before all hell broke loose. How could I possibly still have had food in there after throwing up as much as I did in the middle of the night and then this morning, I think to myself.

  I stopped heaving for a moment and reached over and slammed the door shut and took a breath. I laid the tip of my forehead on the toilet seat and prayed nothing else came up. Too late, round two began. Ten minutes later I began round four. This continued for an hour. Finally, a reprieve. I washed my hands and swished mouthwash in my mouth and headed for the kitchen.