Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  Coming back to this discussion, I raised my eyebrow at TJ and he just winked. Sara didn't say another word to me or him, for that matter. She turned around and marched out. I kept my eyes straight on him.

  "Ummm, where are we going and why are we not working?" I asked, now my hands were folded over my chest and I was looking at him with a quizzical brow.

  "You said you needed a physician, I made you an appointment and I'm taking you."

  I dropped my hands down to my sides. "Oh fuck that, you're not going. I don't need you to go. I simply asked you what his name was; I was totally capable of finding him."

  He walked over to me and rubbed my shoulders. "Shhhhh, don't work yourself up. I am taking you by the doctor's and then we will have an early dinner. We will take our work back to the hotel and will do as much as we can; together. Possibly with a bottle of wine… or a bottle of whisky… your choice." He said with a smile.

  "You're an ass, Trevor McHale." I teasingly retorted. "You're not getting me drunk tonight, we have too much work to do, and I think we've played enough for one day. Now, can I get someone to show me to my office?"

  He laughed heartily. His head tilted back and everything. He walked up beside me, grabbed my hand and said "Allow me, Miss Barker."

  * * *

  Before we left for the doctor, TJ showed me the office I would be working out of, which incidentally was located right next door to TJ's; coincidence? I think not.

  He showed me more of the building, taking me to the different floors I would mostly be working on and then we headed back up to his office. Just as we were arriving back, Chris the IT expert showed up with my laptop; top of the line Apple 15 inch Mac Pro with Retina display, it was sweet. TJ and Chris went back to TJ's office to trade his laptop with the same one I had. While they were in there, Sara paid me a visit with a box of memory sticks. She walked in, approximately three steps and pleasantly threw them at my desk. They landed on my desk, thankfully, and then just as pleasant as she threw them at me, she walked out. I guess she was still attempting to find whoever the fuck it was who pissed in her cheerios this morning.

  We gathered up what files we could, along with the memory sticks and piled them all into a huge storage box. Flipping the laptops over our arms, we headed out for the day. As we passed by Carlene at the front desk, she attempted to hand me my badge. Since my hands were full, I pushed my hip towards her and told her just to drop it in my purse. We walked to the elevators. Our ride started out quiet which I didn't have a problem with but obviously, TJ did. He would glance at me then turn away, glance back then turn away.

  Finally I'd had enough; I knew he was doing this to agitate me so I didn't want him to see that he bothered me.

  "What's the story with Sara? She seems like she wants to be your BFF."

  He snickered "she's just very dedicated to her job."

  I kept my eyes straight ahead when I replied "Uh-huh."

  His snickering turned more into a laugh; "Why Miss Barker, do I detect a hint of jealousy there?"

  I looked at him, my face was straight as a board and informed him "I don't get jealous, Mr. McHale."

  The bell chimed. Looking up, I noticed we were on the eleventh floor. The doors opened and several executives stepped in. As I stepped over into the corner I noticed one of the men were Sam. He did a double take as he walked closer to me.

  "Elle, how are you doing so far?"

  I looked over at TJ, who was standing in the other corner staring laser beams into Sam's skull. I'm totally surprised his head didn't explode.

  "Sam, it's going great so far. I'm just on my way with Mr. McHale to a meeting, thank you so much for asking."

  "Well, again if you need anything, please feel free to give me a call." He smiled as he reached inside his jacket pocket and pulled out his card and placed it in my fingers that were clinched around the bottom of a box.

  I smiled pleasantly at him and nodded my head. The bell chimed and the doors opened and everyone began to exit the car. TJ and I stayed back and let them go out the front first, then we began our stroll to the front doors.

  "Where's that card, Elle?"

  "It's in my other hand…why?"

  His face was as hard as stone "Hand it to me now, Elleny."

  I know he's not playing around and he's fucking pissed, he never calls me Elleny.

  "Hold on, the box is heavy."

  He stopped right where he was, in the middle of the walkway of this beautiful atrium of a lobby. He dropped the box of files so that it landed right in front of his feet. He grabbed the box in my hand and dropped it to the ground so that it landed on top of the other one and held out his hand.

  "Here… Christ, it's only a business card."

  "Don't fuck with me on this, Elleny."

  Ok, still pissed off, I guess my "it's only" was uncalled for.

  "Why Mr. McHale, do I detect a hint of jealousy?"

  He didn't even look at me. He ripped up the card and threw it on the ground, picked up my box and handed it to me, picked up his own box and began walking when he replied;

  "Fuck yes you do!"

  We had to go by the hotel on our way to the doctor's to drop off these computers and files so we didn't have to worry about it all getting stolen. This was pretty important information here, and it really wasn't worth not stopping and locking it up in the safe. While we were there, I decided to change, freshen up; again and change another pair of panties… which reminded me; mall. I grabbed a pair of dress jeans and since it was pretty warm I grabbed my peach sleeveless blouse that draped down in the front. I put on a long silver necklace and some silver hoop earrings, pulled my hair up in a ponytail, refreshed my makeup and slipped some peach flats on. I was ready to go.

  I walked out into the living area and saw TJ sitting on the couch texting something in his suit pants and dress shirt.

  "You changed…" He said as he put his phone down.

  "Well yeah, I figured it was such a nice day and you said we would go out to dinner, maybe we could drive with the top down so I could see the sights along the way."

  He smiled a huge smile and jumped up from the couch.

  "Give me ten" he said as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

  He ran into his room and shut the door behind him. I picked up a magazine and began thumbing through the pages when I heard my phone ring. I picked it up but didn't recognize the number, it was a Richland area code, so not even thinking I put it on speaker phone and answered my professional greeting. "This is Elleny Barker- Jackson."

  No one said anything, so I was quiet for a moment and then repeated "This is Elleny, is anyone there?" Still flipping through the magazine, I heard his voice.

  "Yeah, I'm here bitch, where the fuck are you?"

  Fuck, I mouthed as I put the magazine down and looked towards TJ's bedroom door to make sure it was still closed.

  "Ah… Bear, I thought we had discussed this the other night. I left you that note because you weren't home, telling you I had a business trip to go on… ummm… remember?"

  Quiet for long moments, my eyes still on the TJ's door.

  "Where the fuck are my kids?"

  "They're safe, Bear."

  "That's not what I asked you, Whore!" He yelled.

  I winced and kept my eyes on that door.

  "Bear, I'm not out whoring around. Can you please stop calling me that?"

  "Listen here, you nasty whore-"

  Just as Bear was going off TJ's door opened. I quickly picked up the phone and took it off speaker phone and put it to my ear. I replaced the mask back on my face with the beautiful smile.

  TJ however, did not.

  "…y, you ever try to tell me what to do again, I'll kick your ass so far into next week; you'll be fired for not showing up. Now where are my fucking kids?"

  I looked at TJ and put my index finger to my mouth trying to ask him to be quiet

  "Bear, you were out… wherever you were and I wasn't sure if you would be home so they're staying wit
h Lilly."

  I wasn't about to tell him Rachel's; he would go over there and since Curt was a cop, I figured that he could protect his wife better than Kevin could.

  "Well, I'll go pick them up and bring them home that way they're in their own beds and with their blood."

  The mask dropped off my face. My face went from happy and beautiful to white and scared shitless.

  I screamed "NO!! No Bear… please don't do that. Lilly and Curt have been planning so much with the kids, and you know how much Austin looks up to Luc, he was planning on teaching him some of your best football plays. JoJo, Harlee and Lilly were planning on going shopping. It's fine, they wanted to stay over there and they have plenty of room. You just enjoy your time alone; go out, have a good time."

  I didn't realize it, but I was pacing back and forth and I was pacing fast. I had my fingers in my mouth biting all my nails down and I even think I had sweat beads around my front hairline.

  "Yeah, maybe your right, some of the guys at work are going down to the titty bar for some beers, maybe I'll join em."

  I stopped moving and put my head back and closed my eyes. My mask went back in place. "That sounds like fun. Well, Bear, hun… I've got to get back to my meeting, I'll let you go, ya'll stay safe tonight."

  "Uh huh, what the fuck ever."

  Click

  Holy fuck!

  I threw my phone down on the coffee table and headed for the couch.

  "Just give me a moment, would 'ya, please."

  I sat and put my head in my hands and just closed my eyes. I took some breaths and opened my eyes again.

  "Luc."

  I reached for my phone and immediately called Luc's phone. I began to think of his schedule, "He's at lunch" I said to myself. The phone was ringing and ring-

  "Momma?"

  I closed my eyes and forced the tears back; my baby boy's voice.

  "Momma, what's wrong?"

  I took a breath and put the smile back on my face so he didn't hear any different.

  "Hey, my sweet angel baby."

  "what is it, momma?"

  "Hey baby, do your momma a favor this afternoon, no practice, I call coach. Just get in Auntie Rachel's car, pick up JoJo and Harlee and go back to Auntie's house k?"

  "Momma?"

  "Baby, I'm fine… everything is wonderful, my love. Just do this for me? Send me some pics of ya'll swimming this evening ok? I will video conference ya'll before I go to bed so that I can kiss you good night."

  The tears were welling in my eyes, I looked up at TJ; he was staring at me. He looked absolutely helpless, as though he was waiting for me to tell him what to do. There was nothing he could do. I brought my eyes back to the magazine.

  "Love you, my big protector."

  That was when I saw TJ turn his back to me and headed for the kitchen.

  I heard Luc's voice.

  "Love you too, momma."

  "I'm gonna call coach and JoJo and tell her to wait in the office. You remember safety rules right? Stay alert today, baby. I'm calling you tonight."

  "K momma; bye."

  I hung up with him and immediately called JoJo.

  Her phone went straight to voice mail. I pushed the end button and put the phone to my lips and closed my eyes and prayed that she answered this time.

  "One more minute, k?"

  No answer from TJ.

  I dialed her again.

  "Momma, what's the matter, Luc's texting me."

  "First off, hey my sweet angel baby, momma misses you."

  I'm screaming and destroying shit on the inside of me.

  "Hey momma."

  "Second, Luc's not staying for practice, no cheerleading today. I'll call Sandy, stay in the office til he comes inside to get you. I'm gonna call Leslie over at Har's school and tell her to keep her in the office until you or Luc come in and get her. Safety rules ok? Pay attention; stay alert, K?"

  "K momma, I love you."

  Two tears stroll down my cheek but my voice doesn't falter.

  "Oh baby, momma loves you too. I wanna see pictures tonight of ya'll swimming your tails off in Auntie's pool k?"

  "Yes momma, I'll send some."

  "Good girl. K, I'm gonna go now. Talk to you tonight, my sweet angel."

  "K momma, bye."

  I instantly call Harlee's school and tell my friend from high school that Harlee needs to stay in the office until one of the twins comes in and picks her up hand in hand. I even lose my temper and tell her not to fuck this up; it's important. She agrees and I disconnect the phone.

  I head to the kitchen and TJ is standing facing the counter holding himself up with his arms balanced on the counter. All the sudden he slams the cupboard above his head as hard as he can, it opens and shuts three or four times. The sound of the slam makes me jump.

  "What the fuck is going on Elle?" his voice is scary low. I've never been scared of TJ, ever in my life and right now at this point in time I'm terrified.

  "Let's go, TJ."

  "WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!!" He yelled at the top of his voice.

  "I heard that whole fucking conversation Elle. Did he fucking call you a whore?"

  I closed my eyes and started to walk away from him.

  "NO, NO, NO! You don't get to walk away from this, Elleny. Don't you fucking dare close me out!!! You don't get to decide what I get to know and what I don't get to know!!!"

  That's it! I lose it. Built up anger from years of being beaten and raped til I can't see straight erupt inside of me and I lose it on the one person I've tried my hardest to hide it from. I walk right up to his face.

  "I DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT YOU GET TO KNOW AND WHAT YOU DON'T? YOU DON'T WANT ME TO CLOSE YOU OUT? YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE BEEN RAPED BY THAT MAN AND HOW MANY ABORTIONS HE'S MADE ME HAVE!!! HOW MANY TIMES HE HAS BEATEN ME SO BAD THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO STAND UP, SIT DOWN, LAY DOWN. NOTHING! MY THROAT? IT'S SORE BECAUSE HE CAME HOME TO ME JUST THE OTHER NIGHT WHILE I WAS SLEEPING AND HELD ME DOWN BY SITTING ON MY CHEST AND FACE FUCKED ME UNTIL I CLEANED HIS WHORE'S PUSSY JUICE OFF OF HIS OWN COCK!! THE REASON I NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S IS BECAUSE I NEED TO FIND OUT IF I HAVE SOME DISEASE SINCE HE DECIDED TO FUCK HER UP THE ASS TOO AND SHOVE THAT DOWN MY THROAT AS WELL!!! YOU WANNA KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA KNOW!!! THESE" I hold up my wrists "THESE ARE FROM HIM TYING ME UP WITH LEATHER STRAPS AND HURTING ME SO BRUTALLY HE TORE THINGS INTERNALLY! HE BEAT ME SO BAD, LILLY COULDN'T EVEN HELP CLEAN ME UP, THERE WAS SO MUCH BLOOD, SHE THOUGHT I WAS DEAD AND THAT WASN'T EVEN THE WORST TIME! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY TATTOOS ARE? THE REMEMBER IT'S NOT ABOUT REMEMBERING ANYTHING ABOUT US, IT'S A PROMISE TO MYSELF, TO REMEMBER THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED. IT MEANS REMEMBER TO KEEP YOUR HEART LOCKED HEAVILY AWAY AND DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE TOUCH IT…EVER!!!! THIS ONE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME IN MY LIFE. IT SAYS YOU CAN HAVE MY BLOOD, YOU CAN HAVE MY SWEAT BUT YOU WILL NEVER GET MY TEARS!!! I'M BROKEN TREVOR!!! I'M TAINTED AND I WILL NEVER BE REPAIRED!!!!!"

  I'm breathing heavier than I've ever breathed before in my life. Tears are running down my face and I had no idea I was even crying. I have to get away from here. I looked over at TJ, he was faceless; staring at me as though he was looking at that wall behind me. He was not saying a word; he was simply, just a shell.

  I turned around to walk away when I felt him grab my arm and turn me around and pick me up.

  "What the fuck, TJ?" my voice, barely there is rough and cracked. He didn't say a word, just carried me towards his room. He opened the door, carried me through it and shut it with his foot. Still nothing said, he set me down.

  "What are we doing?" He just stared at me again. I felt him unbutton my pants, I heard them unzip as he pulled them apart.

  "TJ, you can't do this, I'm not begging."

  Still, nothing came from his mouth. I felt him grab my pants. He slowly pulled them down to my ankles. He tapped the top of my foot, I pulled my foot out of my pant leg. He did the same on the other side, I oblige. H
e stood back up and gently removed the chain from my neck. He just as tenderly removed my shirt. I was standing there in my panties and bra. He went over to the wall and hit the light switch.

  As he was walking, I begged him "Please TJ! No, please don't turn on the-"

  That's as much as I got out of my mouth as I look down at my body. I saw TJ slowly walk up beside me, leisurely running his fingertips as gently as he could over the purple, pink and green marks that covered my whole abdominal area. He circled around me studying my body, using very little pressure as he touched my skin.

  I closed my eyes; I can't even imagine at this point in time what he was thinking.

  "TJ-"

  "Shhhhh." that was all I had gotten out of him in the last twenty minutes.

  He circled around me one more time, when he stopped behind me. He unhooked my bra and came around the front of me. I had my arms folded across my chest, he gently pulled my arms down; I complied. He then went back to my shoulders and pulled my straps down until the bra was hanging from his one finger. I went to put my hands back up to hide my breasts.

  "Don't you even fucking think about it." he was talking again in that low, terrifying voice.

  I dropped my arms back down to my sides and turned my head to look away from him. He gently kneeled back in front of me and slowly pulled my panties down my legs. I hesitated and began to say his name but he beat me to the punch.

  "Don't say a fucking word."

  He pulled them down to my ankles and again, I stepped out of them when he tapped on my feet.

  There I stood; nude, bruised, and extremely humiliated in front of the one man I never wanted to see me like this.

  Still kneeling in front of me he began to slowly run his hands up my calves, then my thighs, he was moving so slowly I wondered what was running through his mind; how long the bruises have been there? Maybe he's wondering when the last time I got my ass kicked was.

  He reached my stomach and rubbed his fingers over my C-section scar from the twins, I squeezed my eyes shut. This was fucking killing me. He touched my ribs again, making his way up to my breasts, gently, running his fingertips over my nipples, they had become hard and erect from just that little touch of his finger.