Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  He brought his hands down around my waist and gently placed his hands on my hips and pulled himself closer to me, placing tiny kisses on the bruising that covered my stomach. He moved over to my hips and ribs and placed kisses on that area as well. Pushing himself back, he moved to the other side and repeated the same actions. He eventually worked his way back to the middle and kissed my stomach as though he was kissing my uterus for the babies that I had been made to get rid of.

  He doesn't look at me, but by the tone in his voice I knew he was dead serious.

  He whispered to my stomach, "He's dead, Elle". Standing up he didn't say another word, just walked nonchalantly into the bathroom and closed the door. I stood there for a moment wondering if we were done. Should I get dressed again? That's when I heard all hell broke loose. TJ was screaming, not saying anything but just screaming at the top of his lungs. Glass was breaking, things were being thrown, and punches were landing against the wall. Toiletry items were being pushed off the sink, landing and breaking all over the tile floor. Quickly, I pulled on my panties, shirt and shoes, I grabbed his shoes that I saw by the bedroom door and flew to the bathroom. I couldn't see from the mascara tears that had blinded me but I threw the door open and saw him standing in the middle of this enormous jumble of chaos that my words had created. I couldn't keep my anger under wraps and had let everything except the most important secret out.

  I looked at TJ, he was looking back at me; huffing and puffing from the exertion, his eyes are bloodshot; face was red. "Oh Jesus, TJ; this is entirely my fault" .I said through my tears. I walked over to him and ask him as pleasantly as possible "TJ, honey pick up your foot. Sweetie, there's so much glass; let me slip on your shoes, I don't want you to cut yourself." He followed and I repeat the process of putting on his other shoe to get him out of this mess.

  We walked back through the bedroom grabbing some more jeans and a shirt for him. My clothes were fine. I snatched them up and headed for the bedroom door. We headed for my suite so that I could get him showered and dressed. I did this; I needed to clean it up. We went into my room and I walked him into the bathroom. I went to the shower and turned on the water so that it could warm up.

  I began to do what he did to me, taking off his shirt gently and when it stuck to his head I winced and apologized. I undid his pants and pulled them down leaving his boxers on. I removed his shoes before pulling his jeans down his legs. Sitting on the side of the tub in his boxers, I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable so I thought I'd leave it up to him

  "Would you like me to leave while you get in the shower?"

  "I'm sorry, Elle."

  I stopped what I was doing and just stood there.

  "I'm so sorry, baby." He said as he bent down and grabbed my cheeks in his hands and pulled me up to him.

  "Shhhhh, TJ. Sweetie, none of this is your fault."

  He was restraining himself, I could tell. His voice and hands were wobbly and he didn't know where to touch me. He needed to control himself by limiting his contact with me. I knew he was on the edge.

  He still had my head in his hands as he pulled me up to his face; he touched his lips to mine, still repeating over and over again. "I'm so sorry, baby" as I was repeating "It's ok, everything is fine".

  He sealed his lips over mine and began to swipe his tongue all through my mouth as though he was wiping away all the bad, Bear had done to it and I allowed him too. His kiss became harder as he started to lose control. My hands flew up into his hair, where I wrapped my fingers in to secure him in place I pushed him deeper into me. He broke the kiss and worked his way down my neck with the lightest of kisses. "TJ, I'm not glass." As he continued kissing me, he replied "Yes you are; you should never have to hurt like this." He began walking me backward as we passed by the shower, he reached in and turned it off. I didn't stop him. We continued walking straight back into my room. Our kisses were so desperate for each other, we couldn't get close enough. There was no turning back now. I couldn't; I had to feel him within me. I needed to feel him.

  He curled his fingers around the bottom of my shirt; I lifted my arms to answer his unspoken question. I wanted him just as bad as he wanted me. We broke our kiss long enough to get my shirt over my head. My hands went down to the top of his boxers and began to push them down. His lips sucking my tongue deeper into his mouth, gently, he was nibbling against it. I unlocked my lips from his and was joined to him by my tongue and his lips. I smiled, this was my happiness. I felt his fingers dive into the corners of my panties when he let go of my tongue. "Say the words Elle, I have to hear them from you. I have to know that you want this just as bad as I do. This can't be all just me". I looked him in the eyes for what seemed like minutes but was in fact seconds. I put my nose to his and opened my eyes to look in his and said it "Please TJ, I need you, baby." He pulled my panties down and laid me gently on the bed. He continued kissing me as he reached down and pulled his boxers off. I grabbed around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist and allowed him to drag me up on the bed where he had better access. "TJ honey, please, I'm begging you here." He began slowly nibbling my skin at my throat and worked his way down. He licked my right nipple and I bowed up into him. He brought it between his teeth and bit gently; teasingly. He worked his way over to the other side and worked that breast as well. He sucked and licked and bit, I closed my eyes and relished the emotions pouring out of him.

  "I've missed this baby. You're still so beautiful. You will never fully comprehend what you do to me". As he's talking, he's kissing, slowly working his way down. I'm just listening to his words until I feel him blow gently against my clit. I retract up the bed and pull my knees up to my chest and yell "No! Anything but that, you can't do that, no putting your mouth on it!"

  He sat back on his knees and looked up to the ceiling, but his eyes were closed.

  "Elle baby, I've done it before on you, please."

  I continually shook my head. "No, anything but that. You can't put your mouth on it."

  Frustrated, he ran his fingers threw his hair and asked "why, why can't I put my mouth on it?"

  I put my head down on my knees and tell him "He says it taste disgusting, he tells me it's not clean."

  All at once, in once swift move, he grabbed my legs and pulled them down to him so that I was lying flat on my back. My legs were hanging over his shoulders and he had his face buried in between my legs. His tongue was flat, lapping up every drop of wetness I produced. "I'm gonna make you come with my mouth and I'm going to drink you up, you understand me, Elleny? This is beauty. This pussy right here." Lick. "This is my heaven." Lick. "This is my sanctuary." Lick. "My refuge." Lick. "That mother fucker doesn't even deserve to lay next to this treasure." Lick, lick. "He will never in his entire fucking piece of shit life be worthy enough to put his fingers against this pussy." He opened me wider to get to my clit; he tickled it with the tip of his tongue. "Do you feel how good that feels? My tongue licking up every bit of you? That's how you make me feel. My mouth is against the most perfect jewel that will ever be found and it's all mine. The wealthiest of wealthiest men will never find a gem as perfect as yours. It's so beautiful; pink and bulging, just for me, Elle… every bit of it, is mine." He continued flicking his tongue against me. I'm not sure what I was feeling; happiness, sadness, or because I was getting ready to come, maybe a little of both mixed together.

  I unwrapped my fingers from the sheets and run them through his hair. I pushed his head against me; I was on the verge of coming, so I began to lift my hips up and down quickly against his tongue. "That's it Elle, work that beautiful pussy against my tongue, and come all over my face. You look so gorgeous when you ride my tongue. Just as I was about to come, he stuck two fingers slowly into me and that was what it took to push me over. I screamed at the top of my lungs. It has been so long since I climaxed like that, it was overwhelming to me. He continued to lap up all my wetness, moaning that sexy moan as he did it. "Give it all to me babe. I want it all, everything he's taken from you.
I'm giving you back."

  I pulled him up to me and welcomed his rock hard shaft in me as he began to push slowly into me. "Oh fuck Elle, I'm trying to take it slow, tell me if I hurt you."

  I nibble on his ear as I whisper "Do it TJ, I need to feel you move inside of me."

  He slowly entered me completely and didn't move. He pushed his arms up so he was hovering over me "Do you feel my cock deep within you? That is how deep you are within me. You are so deep, Elle; I can't find a way to get you out." He began to pull out; I bowed towards him and closed my eyes. "I want your eyes, Elle." I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought my mouth up to his. I locked eyes with him as my lips barely touched his; I asked the same questions he asked me that night, seventeen years ago; "Tell me you need me, TJ." he kissed me as he began to speed up his thrusting "Elleny, I need you so much, baby. I can't function without you. For seventeen years, I've been sleeping, then you were brought back to me and now I'm finally awake." He was now thrusting in and out of me faster, his breathing was speeding up. "Tell me what you want TJ, describe it" "I want you beside me for the rest of my life, when I wake up, when I go to sleep. I want you to give me babies and I want to be able to share with you this love that is overflowing inside me." I began to tense. I felt my orgasm building. I know he feels it too because he began to moan and telling me "Fuck baby, you're squeezing me so fucking tight." He thrust twice, three more times, filling me up with every drop of him. He eventually stopped moving and just stayed inside of me.

  "Can I tell you something and please…don't get mad or upset" TJ pushed himself back up again and he rolled his eyes at me "Yes, but hurry before I change my mind" I took a breath "When Bear was…you know…doing what he was doing, he kept asking me if I liked the taste of what real love was but it was the most disgusting taste I've ever tasted in my life. Love shouldn't be disgusting and nasty, should it?" Looking me in the face, I could see he didn't set himself up for a question like that; he gently pulled himself out of me and bent back down so that his face was between my legs again. He began licking me while moaning again so sexy; I loved to hear him make those sounds. It was beautiful. He came back over me and looked me in the eyes "I want your mouth." I gave him my mouth. He stuck his tongue in. I could taste a part of him mixed with what must be a part of me and it wasn't bad. It was sweet yet salty and had just a hint of bitterness. I swirled my tongue in his mouth to taste more of our combination. He broke the kiss "Do you taste that ,Elleny? That's what real love tastes like. Pure, uncorrupted, virtuous, UNTAINTED. That's what straight- from-your-fucking-soul-love tastes like. You got me?"

  He wiped the tear from my face and licked it off his thumb as he whispered "Let me put you back together. Babe, you're not broken your just damaged. Remember… bendable…not breakable" he said as he kissed my nose. I turn my head from him and say quietly "TJ, there's so much that you don't know. Things that are shattering." "Then when the time is right we'll get through it. Let me heal you Elle." I closed my eyes and laid my head against his and think the words… out loud "OK".

  Chapter Seventeen

  August 1995

  Please, oh please let that stick be broken. This was my thought as my head was stuck down in the toilet for the third time this morning. After the last hour, I had a feeling something wasn't right, so the moment I got a break from my one on one with ole John E Crapper I packed up the kids, loaded them in the car and headed down to the drug store. I wasn't sure if I should get one or two; who can go wrong with an additional pregnancy test, and you never know when you'd need it. I hurried back home since I felt the urge coming back over me, I pulled in the drive and stuck my head out the door.

  Son of a bitch! I know I'm pregnant.

  The morning went by pretty slow probably, because I needed to get up there and take that test, I ended up feeding the twins lunch an hour early and then laid them down for their naps when it was their actual lunch time. I went into the bathroom, follow the directions and here I am; waiting. I set the timer for exactly the last minute it said to read it. I waited for five minutes.

  Being pregnant now, was not going to be good at all. Bear didn't wait the allotted time he was supposed to wait after the last one. Having them, was getting easier now, after my first one I felt like I was a murderer who didn't deserve the two kids I had. I attempted to stay in bed for days crying, but I had two babies and I was by myself, so I grieved when I could. Bear drove me to the clinic and the only reason why he did that, was because I didn't have anyone to watch the kids, so he'd sit out in the car with the kids and then he would drop me off back off at home. I barely ate. Their dad was a fucking dick who was going to burn in hell for what he had done. These were still my babies and that son of a bitch made me get rid of all 5 of them. He was using it as a birth control. He wouldn't let me be on birth control; told me I got fat on it, so I tried sneaking it, he found my pills, beat my ass bad, bad for that one. I finally gave up; it wasn't worth it to me. Well, I was done now.

  Holy Jesus, I was fucked! I was going to have to have this baby. The twins were older now; they are getting ready to turn three and were in daycare. I had a job which, this was going to suck to have to tell my boss.

  Hearing the ding from the timer brought me straight back to the matter at hand. I picked the stick up to look at it and began crying. There was no chance that there weren't two pink horizontal lines. I sat down my back against the tub and thought of what was going to happen.

  Speaking of King Asshole of the Fucktard clan; I hadn't seen him in weeks. Which is fine with me, I really didn't want him around here anyways. When he did he was smelling like cheap ass perfume and liquor so I knew he had been taken care of which took a lot off of me, I really didn't want him touching me, I mean, if he thought that skank girl was so beautiful and worth beating the shit out of his own wife for, there was no telling what he was sticking it to. Yuck!

  Rachel and Lilly were supposed to be spending their last weekend in town with us; I told them if they didn't mind, could we take the kid's to the zoo. They loved it there, so we were planning a whole day of it. They were getting ready to finish their last year in college and I was thrilled for them. Curt, I had a feeling was getting anxious too. He ended up going to college here and he joined the police academy after and is now a police officer here in town. I'm so proud of him, plus it makes me feel a little bit safer. Daddy and Mona would come over several times a week to see the kids and to make sure I was alright. Usually, I would make dinner and we would sit down and eat, this was a great time for me. I missed my dad. I loved having spent all those months before the babies were born with him, talking, just having daughter-daddy time.

  TJ has been on my mind the last couple of weeks. The dreams had stopped coming years ago and I never felt more lost. Every day I think about him and wonder where he was; does he think about me. Every year now, I get a phone call. It started the Christmas I was pregnant with the kids, I'd answer the phone and no one would say anything, well, the phone calls continue today. Every birthday and Christmas my phone rings at 7:43 and I answer and pretend it's him. I say hello and I talk to air; tell him how my days have been, how I miss someone and I always thank them for calling me.

  I was cooking dinner when I heard the doorbell ring. I always had skank girl in the back of my mind, I wouldn't put anything past her.

  "Who is it, I asked."

  "I'm looking for Elleny Barker-Jackson, ma'am." A strange voice answered. I asked again.

  "Who are you?"

  "Ma'am, are you Elleny Barker-Jackson?"

  Not knowing who this was, I was getting scared. Since that visit from the skank, I don't know what other trash Bear hung around and he obviously didn't care who he gives our address out to.

  "Ummmm, no I'm not. She's not available."

  "Ma'am, I think you're lying to me. I think your Elleny Baker-Jackson."

  What the fuck!

  Now I'm pissed. Who the fuck was at my door, it was like they were trying to disguise their voice.
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  I opened the door to bite this person's head off and freeze.

  "Gotcha, Biatch!!"

  Rachel was standing at my door. I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her as tight as I could; partly from being relieved from her scaring the shit out of me and the rest from being so happy to see her. Her and Kevin went up north for a few weeks before school started. They wanted to visit some of his family while they had the chance.

  "Oh my god, you bitch! You scared the living shit outta me! What are you doing here? I'm so glad you're here! Come in, come in. I thought you weren't going to be back til Tuesday. Come see your kids."

  I kept on and on, I was so excited she standing here.

  She started laughing, walking through my door. I begin to shut it;

  "Wait, Kevin's coming in. He's bringing the bags." She sauntered in, cigarette in hand, but not lit.

  "Where are my kiddios!" she screeched. Just at that moment JoJo and Luc came running in the foyer from the living room. She threw her arms out and dropped her cigarette and ran towards them. I laughed and bent down to pick it up and see Kevin walk in behind me.

  "Hey Kevin." I greeted him while he was attempting to put down the bags. I hugged him. I love Kevin. I think he wass so perfect for Rach.

  Kevin and I both stood there watching New York runway model Rachel, sitting on the floor in her designer jeans and stiletto heels smothering two kids that have messy faces with kisses, while they laughed and called her Auntie Way-Shell. I giggled.

  "Ya'll come on it, I've got dinner in the crock pot; I'll make you a plate. I never know when Bear will be home, so I've got plenty." I say as I led them into the kitchen.

  "What are ya'll doin here?" I asked, while I scooped a large helping of mashed potatoes in a large bowl and then ladled a big helping of chicken and dumplings over the top.