Watergirl

by Juliann Whicker

  “I’m glad you noticed that it’s morning,” he said, his mouth a grim line.

  “Yeah. Sorry if I made you worry.” I was sorry but all the feelings seemed far away, inaccessible as I floated on this numb exhaustion. “We watched a movie and fell asleep.”

  “And that’s why his shirt was ripped and your mouth is bruised?”

  I blinked. Right. Oliver. Well, I wasn’t going to try and explain that to him. “That was this morning. It’s not a big deal.”

  His glower deepened as he crossed his arms over his chest, standing over me like a drill sergeant. “You think getting serious with someone at your age isn’t a big deal? You don’t understand your emotions, the way that they can sweep you away into doing something you’ll regret with permanent consequences.”

  Was he seriously talking about… no. He couldn’t be. “I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. We broke up. That’s what we were doing when you dragged me out of the car. You should be happy.”

  He blinked and didn’t have anything to say for a second. “You broke up? Why?”

  I shrugged. “Because it wouldn’t work out. He’s going to college. I’m going nowhere.” My voice came out dead. “I’m tired. If you’re going to ground me, get it over with, okay? I’m going to sleep until I have to go to work.”

  “Yes, you’re grounded. I’ll drive you to work and home. Flop and Junie can come over but other than that…” I zoned out while he went on, outlining the details of my grounding like he’d put a lot of thought into it. It made me wonder how long he’d been waiting for me to come home. I hoped he hadn’t found me gone in the middle of the night. It was really hard for me to care though when I felt so tired.

  Work was great. Yeah. Because I loved listening to Sheila talk about my boyfriend like I still had one.

  That night, I lay in bed unable to sleep until I finally went to the window. I didn’t plan to go to the lake, but I had to go, had to do something. That’s when I found out that my dad had nailed the window shut and put an alarm on my door. At first I was furious. How dare he not trust me, then I sat down on my computer and tried to make music that expressed how I felt better than my words. The music came out as ugly as I felt.

  Chapter 33

  On Monday, I walked up to my locker and saw Flop talking to a guy with a serious expression on her face. She kept nodding like Junie did when someone mentioned conservation. He was a goth, biker hybrid. We didn’t get any purists because we were in the middle of rural Ohio. Anyway, Flop talked to him while I waited, politely, until he gave her this half sneer and sauntered off.

  “Isn’t he Dean’s friend?”

  She jumped like I’d caught her doing something illicit. “No. Fred is completely solo. I don’t think he’s anybody’s friend.” She turned quickly to her locker to stuff something inside before I saw what it was.

  “Flop, are you getting into drugs? If so, you probably should work on your sneakiness.”

  She sighed and turned, holding out a strip of leather. “He does his own leatherwork, you know, belts, boots, jackets, you must have noticed his incredible wardrobe.”

  I blinked at the leather where a lopsided flower looked like someone had squashed it. “So, he’s giving you leather working tips? Nice.”

  “Anyway,” she said, stuffing it back into her locker. “How did it go with Sean?”

  Ugh. “We broke up.”

  “No! But, when you told him how you felt he must have…”

  “He didn’t. He made it clear that he found my emotional state a threat to his independence but didn’t have time to really insult me because then my dad dragged me into the house. That was fun.” I shook my head and slumped against my locker.

  She frowned and looked uncomfortable. “It’s all my fault. I’m the one who told you that… I couldn’t believe that anyone would come to know you and not love you. You’re great.”

  That made me laugh. “So glad someone thinks so. Let’s forget about Sean. What do you want to do Friday?”

  She blinked. “I was actually planning on leatherworking with Fred, but I can reschedule.” She blushed and I had to look at her again.

  “You like him. I mean, you really like the goth biker guy?”

  She shrugged helplessly. “I had this thing in my head about what I wanted in a guy, and Logan was all those things but he didn’t fit. Fred fits without being anything that I want. It probably won’t work out long term, but in the meantime…” she blushed again.

  “Have you kissed him?”

  Her eyes blinked too much. “He kissed me.”

  “When? Flop, you can’t be kissing guys and not tell me.”

  She shrugged. “It was kind of circumstantial. Every time I think it’s not going to happen again, because, you know, we have nothing in common and he doesn’t act like he wants a relationship, and then he gets close to me, and things sort of happen.”

  “Cool.” I stood there nodding for a while until my protective streak overwhelmed me. “Well, I’ll see you later. Got to get to class.”

  I found Fred in the shop room with a notebook, sketching. I sat down opposite him and stared at him until he looked up at me.

  I didn’t bother with introductions. “I think you should eat lunch with us today.”

  “No thanks. I prefer to consume in private.” He said with a sneer made more moody from the darkness circling his eyes. The dude wore eyeliner. No wonder she wasn’t entirely comfortable being seen with him.

  “Then eat before you come. If you’re going to be with Flop, it should be out in the open.”

  He frowned at me. “Aren’t you the swim guy’s girlfriend?”

  I shook my head. “We broke up. I got too emotionally attached. So, are you coming or what?”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Good,” I said standing up. “I like your eyeliner.”

  “Maybe I can give you tips sometime.”

  I rolled my eyes and walked out into the hall. I’d taken two steps when I turned in the opposite direction. I wasn’t fast enough. Sean put his hand on my shoulder, spinning me around.

  “Um, hi…”

  I started then trailed off as he pulled off his shirt, dropping it on the filthy hall floor while he flexed. I stood staring at him, at his half naked body as the muscles rippled beneath his perfect skin. I clenched my fist to keep from touching him.

  “What’s up?” I asked in a squeaky voice.

  “I’m waiting for you to giggle,” he said, giving me a slight scowl that only made him look sexier.

  I tried to breathe, but… and… I leaned against the wall while black spots filled my vision.

  When I blinked my eyes open, we were in the shop room while Fred pretended he didn’t see us. Sean had laid me out on one of the counters. When I sat up, I realized I was covered in sawdust. Nice.

  “You fainted,” Sean accused. “Giggling I expected, not fainting.”

  I stared at him, at his arms folded across his now clothed body while his ice blue eyes pierced me.

  “If you assault people with your bare chest you get whatever you get. Why did you want me to giggle, anyway?”

  He lifted his chin a notch. “I didn’t believe you’d do it. And you didn’t.”

  “No. I fainted.” I put my head down on my knees. He jerked my head up with my chin so I had to look at him, to stare at him while he stared back with those eyes I could gaze into forever.

  “If you’re serious about wanting me, why are you always ripping into Oliver?”

  “You’d rather I rip into you?”

  “Yes.”

  I blinked at him then frowned. There was no way he was serious. “Yeah right. Well if that was true, maybe you should have mentioned it at some point. It’s hard enough to get you to hug me. With Oliver… that has nothing to do with what I want. I haven’t… for so long… and you’re always shoving me away. That’s fine. But then Oliver showed up and… You certainly didn’t seem to mind.” I shook my head. He never had seemed bothe
red by anything I did with Oliver, except for the first kiss. That had made him pissed.

  “I don’t care. Of course that’s what it is. I never care about anything, do I? I’m just an egotistical jerk who would rather push everyone away.”

  I rolled my eyes. “You’ve made it totally clear that your priorities are independence first, last and always. That’s fine. I respect that. I just hate feeling guilty about liking you, and even being with Oliver when I know you don’t care.”

  He stared at me, his eyes narrowing into slits. “Do you know what it was like to watch you lick slime off of him?”

  I blinked. “Slime? I don’t remember that part. With him it’s always blurry. Maybe he was a little slippery, but I wouldn’t call it slimy.” The way he looked at me made me feel like an idiot, the kind who went around licking frogs. I felt suddenly exhausted. “What do you want, Sean? I don’t feel like giggling. We broke up, okay? I’m kind of devastated about it.”

  “You told me it was over. You don’t get to be devastated.”

  “Fine. I’m happy about it! Super happy. All the time!” I spun on the counter to get off but he stepped closer so that my knees were held on either side of him by his hands. The feeling in my chest, the song that had shifted into something else, grew harder and larger with every second.

  “Do you honestly think that I’m indifferent to you? How could I be when you drive me insane? Every day you look at me and I know that you’re seeing something inaccessible, someone that could never be part of your life until that moment when you wanted me. You ran away the second you thought I might be something worth fighting for. Threw yourself at Oliver. Breathe. You’re not breathing again.” He squeezed my knees, and I gasped a little bit, but breathing made the thing in my chest move up to my throat. “You tell yourself that you’re respecting my space, but really, I think you’re just afraid of caring about something that you think you’ll lose.”

  “Maybe that’s true. I lost Cole when he was my only friend, my mother, how could I survive to lose someone that took up that much of my heart, my life?” I stared at him. At perfect Sean who had made my heart bleed after he’d held me so close. “You’re right. It’s not worth the risk, not when I know that I’ll never be what you really need.”

  His hands slid from my knees to my hips, squeezing my muscles and bones like he wanted to dig gills into me with his fingers. “I don’t know what need is, if not this.” His jaw was clenched so hard, I had to touch it, to trace his face with my fingers just to touch him.

  “Sean, I’m not…”

  His hands shifted, sliding up my sides, a hard grip that might bruise. He didn’t stop at my ribs or the top of them until he got to my scars where they were puffy and sore. When his huge hands gripped me beneath my armpits, squeezing, digging into me, that thing in my throat exploded out in a scream of pain, shock, and something else that had me wrapping my arms around him. The scream left me feeling empty, like I had to hang onto him for dear life.

  Sean’s hands slid back down my sides while he pulled away, removing my hands from his neck. He stumbled back until he hit another counter, gripping the edge with white knuckles.

  “Sean?” I felt so lost and alone without him. Why would he do that? Act like he wanted me and then throw me away as soon as I responded? “What are you doing? I told you that I’m not willing to be hurt, so you have to hurt me? Why can’t you leave me alone? Why would you strip in public, make a scene when you and I both know that you don’t want me in your life? Do you have to be the one who rejects me? Is that what this is? Fine. I love you, you don’t love me, now we can both move on…”

  I stopped yelling as he looked up at me, at the way his eyes didn’t blink but the blue had retreated leaving mostly black enlarged pupils. It wasn’t his eyes that stopped me though, it was the red that dripped from his jaw to his shirt.

  I slid off the counter so I could reach up, feel the blood and see the trail from his ear, the other one as well. His ears were bleeding. Did he have a brain tumor? Did brain tumors make people’s ears bleed? No, sometimes high sounds that pierced people’s eardrums would cause…

  I put my hand to my throat as I stumbled back.

  “Dude, do you want some gauze?” I turned to stare at Fred who came forward with his backpack. “Man, girl, you’ve got some lungs. You’re both complete freaks.” He nodded like that wasn’t an insult. “I’ll be there at lunch. So I’ve got the gauze because fresh tattoos ooze sometimes. You’ve got to be prepared. Do you want to see them?”

  I stared at him while he shrugged off his leather jacket and revealed skinny arms covered in swirls and designs.

  “Er. Nice. The gauze?”

  He nodded and dug around into his backpack before pulling out a baggie filled with antibiotic ointment and a roll of gauze along with tape. I took it and started for Sean. He still hadn’t moved.

  “Do you think you did brain damage?” Fred asked right before Sean grabbed Fred by the shirt and slammed him down on top of the counter.

  “You are not going to have lunch with Genevieve.” Sean sounded icy but furious at the same time. I felt chills run over my body like it was me he had beneath him.

  “No, man, it’s Flop I’m into. Not that your girlfriend’s not hot, but Flop’s more my speed.”

  Fred looked like a skinny black spider flailing around under Sean’s enormous weight. Sean dropped him, pulling away while he looked around like a desperate animal. A very wild animal.

  “Sean?” I asked, reaching out slowly to touch his arm. He turned his gaze on me, still looking hunted. “I have some gauze. Are you okay? You’re bleeding.”

  “The bleeding stopped,” he said, his expression shifting into a scowl as he took the gauze out of my hands then leaned against the counter, closing his eyes like he was dizzy. I hovered over him feeling like an idiot.

  “Well, that’s good. Do you need help getting to class?”

  He opened his blue eyes to scowl at me again, his lips curling. “How exactly do you propose to help me to class? Would you like to carry me? I’m not in the mood for school anyway,” he said, wiping the blood off his cheeks then shoving the baggie back at Fred. “Thanks,” he said, but he didn’t act grateful and he certainly didn’t apologize for attacking him.

  “No problem, man,” Fred said, looking a little stunned but acting okay. “Any time you need some gauze…”

  Sean had left by then, walking unsteadily, but with more purpose than anyone else at high school, except for Junie maybe, leaving us both behind.

  I stared at Sean until he was gone while the emptiness inside of me grew and grew. I glanced at Fred, waiting for him to ask awkward questions, but he just pulled on his jacket and stuffed the baggie back in his backpack.

  “I’m sorry about that.”

  He only shrugged like being slammed down wasn’t a big deal. What world did he come from where that whole exchange wouldn’t make him do more than blink?

  “Do you do a lot of drugs?” I asked.

  He glanced up. “If you’re looking for a supplier you’ll have to ask Dean. He keeps this school in a tight hold.”

  I shook my head. “I want you to be a good guy for Flop. She’s…” I shook my head.

  “I’m not really into that whole scene.” He frowned at me and I nodded. He didn’t like being questioned about that, defined by whether or not he did drugs.

  “Sure. I just want her to be happy. That’s all.”

  He nodded. “She’s kind of happy without anyone else, you know? She’s not the kind of person you have to make happy. I like that.”

  “Yeah.” Awkward moment, then I smiled brightly and was about to leave when he told me that I might want to wipe the blood off my throat and hands.

  “Because people talk.”

  There was a sink in the corner, where I hurried and cleaned up, getting a nod from Fred before I ducked back into the hall. My fingers still felt sticky from Sean’s blood even if there wasn’t anything on them I could see. I do
dged a guy who hurtled through the hall as if monsters were after him.

  My scream could make his ears bleed. I stopped moving, making people glare at me as they had to move around me.

  My head pounded, my breathing came short, but I didn’t pass out again. I headed to the library, but the lady behind the desk wouldn’t let me go online to find out what the crap about making Sean’s ears bleed until after school when there was a measly half hour open lab.

  Chapter 34

  At lunch, Fred was the first one at our table, opening up containers and looking comfortable. I sank into a chair across from him. Would I be able to eat anything or should I just go outside? It was almost warm at that point.

  “Fred?” Flop’s voice sounded incredulous.

  He nodded at her but didn’t give her any kind of really intense, ‘I love you so much, I’m going to die,’ look.

  “I invited him,” I said, sounding half dead. Really. It sucked.

  “Yeah. She told me you liked me.”

  I glared at him but Flop only sat down beside me, cocking her head at him.

  “So I thought maybe it would be cool for us to hang out more.”

  “Yeah,” she said with a slight nod. “That would be cool.”

  Junie was slightly more skeptical than we were, but Fred didn’t mind being disapproved of. He’d decided to eat with us, so that’s what he was going to do. Perfect. For Flop.

  As I sat there, I looked around the cafeteria, happening to glance over at the swimmer’s table. It was pretty bare. Sean was obviously missing, but there was also no sign of Bernice.

  I swallowed down a bite of sandwich but that was all that I could manage. Sean and Bernice. They made so much sense. Even if Bernice wasn’t a gill girl, she fit in his world much better than I did. She would never make his ears bleed or make out with Oliver. Sean had almost convinced me that he liked me. And then I’d screamed. I could still feel the press of his hands down my sides, the ache of my armpits. I should tell him that. ‘Sean, you make my armpits ache.’ It would have been hilarious a few months earlier. We would have joked about the really pathetic t-shirt slogans. I would have ogled him for a second, but not felt like someone was rappelling with my intestines. Love. What a sucky thing. I realized that I was staring at Oliver when he glanced over and raised his eyebrows. I kept staring and eventually he came over, pulling a seat out to sit beside me.