Watergirl

by Juliann Whicker

He froze, staring blatantly up at me where I was still jumping and screaming with Kitty-nails.

  “He’s looking at me,” she shrieked, kind of shredding my skin, but that was okay because I couldn’t feel it, couldn’t feel anything as my body went suddenly, solidly numb. Sean kind of blinked, then offered the audience a smiling wave before he grabbed a towel and sat down.

  “This is the best meet ever! Do you think he’ll sign my t-shirt?” she asked, dragging me back to sitting position. “So, which shirt did you want? I bet he’ll sign yours too, if you’re with me. I’m his biggest fan. He knows me.”

  “I’ll take one of each. They’re both such catchy slogans,” I said while she looked ready to swoon from joy. It was ridiculously easy to make some people happy.

  I shelled out the dough while she handed me two shirts that I stuffed into my backpack. Sean didn’t look up again. Maybe he hadn’t actually seen anything. I told myself I was an idiot for feeling disappointed, but it didn’t make the feeling go away.

  I was in the parking lot, nearly to my car when a shadow detached from the back, a huge, hulking shadow that was comfortably familiar.

  “Sean. You startled me.”

  “Right,” he said, edging towards me while his face was swathed in shadows, hiding the sarcastic tilt of his lips. “What would I be doing at a swim meet?”

  “Haha.” The laugh sucked. I’d have to do better, but I still felt the rush and euphoria, the kitty nails obsession that I’d been fighting so long. I wanted to ask him to autograph something and stare at him. “So, it was a great final. I wasn’t sure if that other guy wouldn’t take you. He was good, but you were better.”

  “You’re beautiful.”

  I blinked at him, feeling my throat tighten and my stomach tangle into knots. “That’s my line. Your swimming is perfect. You’d better watch out or your competition is going to poison you some day.”

  He reached for my hand, softly sliding his skin over mine. Tingling ran from my fingers up my arm while I tried to swallow normally.

  “I’m really glad to see you here.”

  “You are?” I blinked in the darkness feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

  Maybe Sean would give me CPR. Maybe I could pretend to not breathe… pathetic.

  “We’re going out to celebrate. Will you come with me?” He tightened his hand on mine, pulling me a little bit closer to him. I fought the urge to melt against his chest and let the rest of the world disappear.

  “Okay.”

  Wait, no, I couldn’t do that, not when he pulled me even closer and his other arm came around me. I really was going to pass out. I fought the rising frustration and tears while I pulled back.

  “Actually, I have to meet Junie and Flop for this thing.”

  “A thing?” His voice was flat, like I was off to obsess at the lake.

  “No, not that thing: the soup kitchen. After that I’m going to be in the dojo until really late, so tonight doesn’t really work for me.”

  He ran his thumb over the back of my hand, gentle, while he bent down, his lips centimeters from my ear. “I would like to celebrate with you. Tonight. I want to do something normal like watch a movie after your karate thing.” His lips actually brushed my ear and I felt my world tilt upside down and dump me into a pool of my own jellified convictions.

  “A movie would be good.”

  My lips touched his jaw when I said that. He was too close to think about things clearly, not when his thumb still moved against my skin, not when his jaw tasted like chlorine. Not that chlorine tasted good, but he tasted so good it made up for the chlorine. Pathetic. I had to say no, had to refuse, but instead I stayed there until I heard someone calling his name. Bernice.

  I pulled away, hating every inch between us. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Yes,” he agreed, squeezing my hand once before letting go. “I’ll pick you up at midnight.”

  I opened my mouth to protest, to backtrack, but he was gone, another shadow in the dark parking lot while I fumbled with my keys. It would be fine. I didn’t need to get hysterical, I didn’t need to lean my head against the steering wheel and try to breathe through my nose so I didn’t pass out. It would be great. I’d get Flop and Junie to come with me.

  “No,” Flop said as she stood with the hairnet making her look ridiculous along with the oversize plastic cloves. “I’m not coming with you. You need to tell him how you feel. This is the perfect chance to be alone with him.”

  I turned from her to Junie where she stood over a steaming kettle, eyeing the contents with suspicion. “I’m with Flop. He deserves to know the truth.”

  I groaned as I grabbed a tray of cornbread and took it out of the kitchen to the dining room. I forced the smile for the unfortunates who frequented the soup kitchen until I returned, carrying empty bowls. “He’ll hate me.”

  “If that happens, then you’ll be free to find someone else,” Flop said philosophically. “Or, he’ll say that he loves you and wants you to have his babies. Can you imagine how gorgeous your kids would be?”

  I rolled my eyes while Junie snorted. “Sean has goals, Flop. He’s not going to throw away all his plans to make babies, however much he likes someone.” Yeah, and he’d have to find someone with gills for all the baby making anyway. “He might want to include you in his plans, though,” she said, gesturing for me to take the pot. “Like me and Tuba. There is room for love in a healthy, balanced life.”

  I groaned as I took the pot, careful not to spill. They were firm about leaving me to face Sean alone, no matter how pathetic I looked. Afterwards, in the dojo, I fought more aggressively than usual. My dad sent me home early, said I needed to meditate.

  I sat in my room, ‘meditating’ to Sean’s music, after my dad had long since gone to bed when I saw the dark car pull up to the curb outside my house. I watched through the window as Sean got out and leaned against the roof, staring up at me like he could see into my dark bedroom, right at me. I got up, pulled open the window, then climbed through, like he was the lake and I had no resistance to him. No, it wasn’t like that. It was more like I was going to tell him that I couldn’t go after all, but I had to tell him. I couldn’t leave him standing there.

  When I crossed the grass, he reached for me, pulling me against him in a hug that wiped away any words I’d had to protest. His lips against my forehead surprised me, making me freeze as the feel of his soft mouth against my hard head relaxed something inside my chest.

  It wasn’t very cold out, not cold at all when he had his arms around me, but we couldn’t stand there forever. He opened his door, helping me in then closing it behind me, enveloping me in the sound of crashing waves and a deep underlying throbbing that made my heart beat faster. He was in, we were off, and then too soon, pulling up into his driveway, into the garage.

  “Is your dad here?” For all my conviction, they were the first words I’d spoken.

  “No. Is that all right?” Did he look nervous? Worried? Something other than cool, in control, typical captain Sean?

  “It’s fine. Um, so what movie did you want to watch?”

  We walked into the house that felt even more enormous and empty than before. “I thought you’d like to see something from my world. I’ll translate for you.” We walked down stairs into space I hadn’t gotten on the tour.

  “Oh. That would be…” I stopped as he led me into a room with a theater, make that a room that was a theater. An enormous leather couch took up most of the space while a screen filled the wall. A table full of popcorn and various other junk food waited for us.

  “Is this okay?” He definitely sounded nervous, but when I looked up at him, he seemed fine. I was beyond nervous, but I nodded anyway.

  “Awesome.” I settled on the couch, feeling like it swallowed me while he went and fiddled with the box at the back of the room. He turned off the light and I blinked at the screen, trying not to notice when he sat, his weight shifting me over against him until my leg rested against his.


  The movie was weird, or maybe it was fine but being up against Sean while he whispered in my ear that was freaking me out. I ate popcorn, then mints, then nothing because I felt sick, but didn’t know what to do with my hands. It was Sean’s fault. His voice whispering in my ear, words he would never say to me in real life. The story was about a beautiful girl and boy who lived under the water inside a coral reef who had to fight the waves to be together. In the end they drifted apart, hands breaking as the last of their strength left them.

  I laughed, okay, giggled at the end when the last confession of their love came from Sean’s lips, trying not to hyperventilate. I was ready to leave, proud that I hadn’t confessed my love, but then another movie filled the screen, this time without people, only about water and music.

  I didn’t feel ridiculous watching that. I felt right instead as the music spoke to me far deeper than the foreign words. I gripped his hand tighter then leaned against his shoulder as the waves crashed over me, around me, swallowing me in orchestral maneuvers that didn’t need a plot.

  I found my head against his chest, his arm around me as he sank down until we lay wrapped around each other, the beating of our hearts keeping time with the music. He wasn’t Captain Sean, I wasn’t Watergirl, there were no definitions, only emotions, and this sense of rightness, of belonging.

  Chapter 32

  I wasn’t sure if I passed out or fell asleep, but when I woke up, head pressed against Sean’s chest with his arms holding me tight against him, the movie was finished. I blinked against his chest until I pulled away, staring at his face, a face that wasn’t beautiful because of its perfection, but because it belonged to him. I felt this ache in my chest that made me want to sing, not to the lake, but to him. I felt the song in my chest welling up, something that I’d never felt before, something that would show him how I felt. I couldn’t hold it back, not anymore.

  I brushed my fingers over his face, feeling the slickness of his skin before he jerked back, opening his eyes to stare at me, blinking rapidly while he shook away the disorientation.

  “It’s fine,” I soothed, reaching again for him, but he sat up, sliding out from under me.

  “It’s morning.” His voice was ice cold, his hands clenched when he crossed his arms over his chest. I didn’t know how he could tell when there were no windows, no way to see outside in the room.

  “Okay?”

  “I think the plan was to watch a movie and then take you back home. I didn’t think you’d last very long on the second one.”

  “It was amazing. I loved it. Sean, I…” I trailed off as he got up, running his hands through his hair as he walked away from me.

  “Great. I need to take a swim. If you’d like to wait for me, there should be something in the fridge to eat. Don’t eat anything in containers with red lids.”

  “Sean?”

  My words echoed back to me from the bare walls. He had already gone. I blinked and then the room that had seemed perfectly visible became pitch black, only the distant light from the doorway visible. I banged my knees against the table knocking skittles or something like that across the floor.

  “I love you,” I said with a sigh as I made my way to the door. The song was stuck in my chest, leaving an ache that made it hurt to breathe.

  I shook my head as I walked up the stairs, feeling weird to come out of the darkness into a bright sunshiny day that didn’t exactly fit my mood. I wasn’t about to hang around while he swam, not when he’d made it so clear… what had he made clear, exactly? He’d acted like it was a real date last night. He’d gotten junk food he didn’t touch. He’d held me without me asking him to do it. He’d acted like… well, it was over today, whatever fluke that made him seem to like me. I blinked back tears as I walked out the front door then stopped to stare at Oliver in the doorway. The sight of him made me dizzy and my fingers tingle. Great.

  “Answering Sean’s door for him?”

  He sounded jealous, but I only rolled my eyes. Even obsessed with me, Oliver wasn’t really interested.

  “I was just leaving. Sean’s swimming.”

  He took a step towards me, brushing my hair behind my shoulder. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

  My scalp tingled in spite of there being no way that his touch could have traveled to my hair follicles.

  “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I thought at first that maybe you were with him to help you stay away from me, but the way he looks at you…”

  I laughed. It wasn’t a good laugh. “Yeah, he’s crazy about me.” I shook my head and glared at him. “What’s your deal? Flop says that you’re stalking me. Is that true?”

  He blinked and lost his smile for a second. “Ever since the kiss, I can’t stop thinking about you.”

  I took a step closer to him, the ache in my chest growing with every second, a song that was closer to a scream at that point. “Thinking about what?” I wasn’t sure what was with my voice, the way it came out like a purr as my hands slid up, over his chest and around his neck. The feel of him beneath my hands consumed rational thought. I trailed my fingers up the back of his neck to his scalp. There was buzzing in my head, dizziness that made me feel like a stranger, watching myself as I pressed him against the wall, touching my lips against his throat. I felt him swallow. He trembled against me as I pulled his head back, leaving an expanse of throat for me to completely ravage.

  I did. Ravage, I mean. First his throat, then his shirt, ripping it down the back while my nails dug into his skin, drawing blood. I could smell it, the way I smelled him, the same scent on Sean that morning, a scent that made me want so much it consumed me. His skin was slippery, coated with something that tasted like salt, salt and something indefinable I’d been able to taste on Sean beneath the chlorine the night before. I pushed against him harder, biting his mouth as I tried to think only of Oliver, to taste only Oliver, to drown out the memory of Sean, the ache I felt for Sean.

  When Oliver finally broke, pulling me against him with a mindless intensity I hadn’t expected, I let him, arching against him like I could force my body to fit against his.

  “If you’d close the door, I’d appreciate it.” Sean’s voice made me freeze, made the thing in my chest well up and then collapse as I fell away from Oliver. I blinked, staring at nothing while I tried to get my breathing under control.

  “Lend me your shirt, Oliver,” he said standing close enough to me that I could feel the movement as he stripped Oliver. “Genevieve, I’ll drive you home.”

  He put his hand on my arm, pulling me away from the open door towards the garage while I refused to look at him, at Oliver, at anything or anyone who would make it all even worse.

  I slid into the car, dropping my head onto my knees, where I stayed while Sean got in and turned on the ignition. We sat there for a few minutes before he backed up, driving without any sign of emotion. It was like he hadn’t even noticed that I’d been making out with Oliver, trying to consume him with a mindlessness that scared me.

  “Sean,” I said in a small voice that made me feel even worse.

  “Mmm?”

  “I can’t do this anymore.” I sat up and looked at him, drinking in every line and shadow, every speck in his blue eyes.

  He glanced on me, his golden eyebrows slightly lowered. “Do what?”

  “Pretend. I can’t pretend to be your girlfriend.”

  “Who’s pretending?” He gave me a slight smile. Why was he smiling? Couldn’t he see that there was nothing to smile about?

  “I know you want a girl who doesn’t giggle, a girl who doesn’t like you and won’t act like an idiot around you, but I’m not that girl. I’m tired of pretending that I don’t care, that I’m not interested.”

  He glanced at me again with an eyebrow raised but said nothing. This was it. I had to come clean, like Flop had told me to.

  “I can’t be with someone I like more than they like me. It was fine when we were mutual… whatever we were, but now…” I took a deep breath
and stared out the windshield. “I love you.” Silence. “So, I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

  “What do you want?” His voice was strange, his face when he pulled the car over so he could stare at me, glaring with those eyes that pierced through me.

  I didn’t care. I didn’t have anything left to hide.

  “I want you.”

  More silence while his expression grew darker with every second. “You want me. That’s it? On a platter or stuffed and mounted on your wall?”

  I sighed and looked down at my lap. Well, I hadn’t expected this to go well. “You wouldn’t fit very well on my wall, so I suppose that leaves the platter. I’m sorry, Sean. I didn’t mean to like you. It’s probably your fault for forgetting to be nasty to me all the time.”

  “You said love.”

  I winced. Well, nothing wrong with his memory. “Yeah. I didn’t mean to love you. Maybe you’ll forgive me someday.”

  “I…” he gripped his bare knees and I realized he was wearing nothing but jammers and Oliver’s shredded button down.

  I did not need to notice what he wasn’t wearing. I groaned and covered my face with my hands.

  My door was wrenched open and my dad was there. It was only then that I realized that Sean had pulled up in front of my house where I’d sat confessing my love while my dad watched.

  “Genevieve, get in the house.” His voice scared me.

  I blinked up at him and reached instinctively for Sean, then stopped, instead getting out of the car, passing my dad where he stood, still, silent, staring at Sean like he could melt him with one glance. I stopped once I was past him, worried he’d do something to Sean, say something, but then again, what could he say? I’d already done it, destroyed whatever tentative friendship we had, all because I couldn’t keep it bottled up inside. I felt so tired as I watched my dad lean in and say something to Sean too low for me to hear, then slam the door. He waited until Sean drove away before he turned and marched me into the house.

  “Good morning,” I muttered as he opened the door and pushed me down into a chair.