Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  “Yup,” Jinx said, climbing from the passenger’s seat and setting Pete on the ground. “The best salted caramel frozen yogurt ever.”

  As they headed toward the storefront, E. J. took Pete’s leash. “That’s what I’ll have, then. We’ll wait out here.” She led the puppy toward the outdoor seating.

  “Don’t go anywhere,” Jinx said in an attempt at levity. “Especially not with my dog.”

  E. J. smiled. “You’d better hurry back, then.”

  Jinx grinned. Okay. This was more like it, more their usual interaction. She just had to let it be all right.

  Inside, Jinx filled two cups with frozen yogurt, one salted caramel, the other peanut butter—her favorite flavors—then busied herself at the topping bar.

  “Jinx!” The sound was more a squeal than a word.

  Jinx knew it was Wendy. She turned to see the petite girl coming out of the back room, towel in hand.

  Wendy ran over and hugged her. “I have something to tell you.”

  “Not until your break,” the manager said from behind the register.

  Wendy grimaced.

  “It’s okay,” Jinx said. “I’ll be right out there.” She gestured toward the front window. “No rush.” After paying, she made her way back to E. J. and Pete.

  E. J. studied her as she took a cup, clearly wanting to say something.

  “What?” Jinx asked warily.

  “Is that her?” E. J. asked. “The other woman?”

  Jinx drew a blank. “What other woman?”

  “The morning in my hotel suite, when I asked you if you went home often with women from bars, you said that was only your second time and the first wasn’t from a bar but from Tutti Frutti’s. Is that the other one?”

  “Oh, yeah.” Jinx chuckled, remembering the conversation. It seemed so long ago. “That’s Wendy.”

  E. J. paused. “Jinx, she’s a child.” Her tone was incredulous.

  Jinx looked at her in surprise, then glanced through the window of the yogurt shop. “I guess technically she is. She’s seventeen.”

  E. J. stared at her. “You slept with a seventeen-year-old?”

  “Whoa! What?” Jinx flinched and almost dropped her yogurt. A dollop slid off her spoon and plopped onto the toe of her shoe.

  Pete quickly lapped it up.

  “Jinx?” Wendy called, hurrying to their table. “I’ve been waiting for you to come in. Where have you been?”

  Jinx stood. “Wendy, this is—”

  “I passed.” Wendy threw her arms around Jinx’s neck and jumped up and down. “I passed.”

  Jinx broke into a grin and hugged her. “That’s great. I knew you could do it.”

  “And,” Wendy said breathlessly, “I have an appointment with an advisor at the JC to schedule classes for the fall.” She beamed at Jinx, then looked at E. J. “I’m going to college.”

  “That’s wonderful,” E. J. said, her bewilderment evident.

  Wendy dropped onto one of the seats at the table. “Jinx is so sweet. She went home with me one night after work and spent the whole night teaching me how to write an essay so I could pass that stupid proficiency test. I’d flunked it twice.” She rolled her eyes.

  Jinx smiled. “You just needed a little direction.”

  Realization settled in E. J.’s expression, and it softened. She looked at Jinx affectionately. “Yes, she is very sweet,” she said to Wendy.

  The girl sat with them, sharing every detail of the essay she’d written, then excused herself to finish her shift.

  Jinx watched her until she stepped back into the bright lights of the yogurt shop. “She’s got a lot going for her,” she said, remembering herself at that age. “I’m glad she’s going to do something with it.”

  “Something about knowing you makes people want to do better.” E. J. laced her fingers through Jinx’s. “Makes me want to do better. I’m sorry I thought you’d slept with her. That you would sleep with her.”

  Jinx brought E. J.’s hand to her lips. She brushed a kiss across the palm. “Baby, the only person I want to sleep with is you.”

  E. J. squeezed her eyes shut, and moisture seeped from beneath her lids. “Don’t call me baby unless you’ve forgiven me,” she whispered. “Unless you’re not going to send me away.”

  “I can’t send you away.” Jinx pulled E. J. to her and held her. “If I could, I would have done it when you first stepped into the doorway. That’s when I was the maddest. And I couldn’t do it even then. I’ll be honest. Sometimes, I’ve wished I could. But I can’t.”

  E. J. sat back. “Jinx, I’m trying very hard not to be afraid. I want so much not to be. But you’re the first person who’s ever mattered enough for me to even try. So, I don’t really know how. I’m so afraid of losing Jacob’s love.”

  “I understand that fear, baby. I have to stare it down every time I have to tell someone about my past. And most of the people I’ve told couldn’t get away fast enough. But I have to believe that someday I’ll find somebody it doesn’t matter to, somebody who’ll love me anyway. You already know Jacob loves you. Why don’t you trust that?”

  E. J. inhaled a deep breath. “No one has ever loved me just as I am. Well, except my grandparents. But they’re gone.” She tried to ease her hand from Jinx’s, but Jinx held it firmly. “My mother expected specific things from me—good grades, acceptable behavior, a marriage that presented well. Then Marcus needed a wife beside him on his climb up the professional ladder. And my kids…Well, a mother is supposed to be certain things.”

  “It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever given anyone the opportunity to love you as you are,” Jinx said.

  “What do you mean?”

  Jinx shifted in her seat. She knew what she was about to say might make E. J. mad, might summon that cold, shut-down E. J. Jinx didn’t like. It might make her run again, but it had to be said. “If all you ever show people is who you think they want you to be, how will you ever know if they’d love you for who you are? You have to stop pretending to be someone you’re not, before anyone can love and accept you. It’s up to you to make a different choice. You have to choose to let yourself be loved, without giving up who you are to be what someone else might need.”

  “It’s not that simple,” E. J. said, glancing down at Pete where he’d settled between them.

  “It is that simple. It might be scary, but it’s only hard if we make it hard.” Jinx ran her thumb over the back of E. J.’s hand. “When I tell someone—”

  “Jinx, Jacob hates gays and lesbians.”

  “What?” She remembered Tiffany’s reaction—or rather, lack thereof—to Jinx’s answer about whether or not there was a special man in her life. She still thought it unlikely that someone so accepting would be married to someone who went so far as to hate gay people.

  “He was molested when he was young by a man in our neighborhood. The man wasn’t gay, but when Jacob got older and learned what gay meant, he drew an incorrect conclusion. He was still struggling with what had happened, and it all got mixed in together. We all tried to explain it—me, Marcus, his therapist—but he was just so angry. His therapist said, for the time being, it was more important that Jacob feel heard.”

  Jinx waited for more, but nothing else came. “He said he hates gays?”

  E. J.’s laugh was humorless. “He didn’t say it. He screamed it. And I realized then I could never tell him about my attraction to women, until I knew if he’d come to terms with what happened to him and understood it had nothing to do with homosexuality. I started seeing women in secret when Marcus and I divorced, and I always thought there would be some magical right moment to check in with Jacob, but I never seemed to find it. I don’t know what to do. But I know I want to do things differently with you, with us, but I’m scared. I can’t hurt him again. I just can’t have him hate me.”

  “You didn’t hurt him. That guy did. Jacob knows that, I’m sure.”

  “But I didn’t protect him.” E. J. pulled free and buried he
r face in her hands. “A mother is supposed to protect her children.”

  “You feel guilty.”

  “Of course, I feel guilty.” E. J.’s voice broke. “I didn’t protect him.”

  “What did you do when you found out?”

  “I had that son of a bitch arrested.” She sniffed. “And I got Jacob into therapy. But I wasn’t there to stop it from happening in the first place.” She began to cry. “So, I’ve done everything I can, all my life, to make sure nothing I do ever hurts him again.”

  Jinx stroked E. J.’s hair, then pulled her into her arms. “But you stopped it once you found out. It wasn’t your fault, baby. All kids have stuff to go through, some of us more than others. And the love and support of their parents makes them stronger. That’s what you gave Jacob.” Jinx wished she could tell E. J. what Tiffany had shared with her about Jacob feeling he never would have made it through the hard time Tiffany had alluded to, without his mother. She’d have to tell E. J. about the two visits she’d had with Tiffany and that they planned to continue getting together, but not now. Not in the midst of everything else going on this evening. “Have you been punishing yourself by not letting anyone love you?”

  E. J. stiffened.

  “Hear me out,” Jinx said cautiously. “You won’t let yourself actually be in a relationship with a woman because you’re afraid of hurting Jacob. And you keep yourself distant from Jacob”—she wanted to mention E. J.’s daughter as well, but that was something else she couldn’t admit knowing—“because you’re afraid he’ll find out you’re gay. So, you don’t get to be close to anyone. That’s what happens with guilt, E. J. Guilt calls for punishment, so we punish ourselves.”

  “Taylor says I use my guilt about Jacob to push people away,” E. J. said into the front of Jinx’s shirt.

  “I don’t know who Taylor is, but she sounds like someone to listen to.” Jinx rocked E. J. gently.

  “She’s one of my best friends.” E. J. looked up into Jinx’s face. “I’d like you to meet her sometime. And Gwen, too.”

  Jinx waited for a but, or some kind of qualifier.

  None came.

  “Really?” She felt the beginnings of a smile from deep within.

  E. J. nodded and wiped her tears. “I’m still scared, and there’s still so much I want to know about your time in prison and the drugs. I’ve never known anyone who’s been through that. And I still don’t know exactly how to have you in my life, but you’re important to me. So I want to try. I know I’m going to have to face my fears about Jacob and, like you said, stare them down. And I think I can do that, because…I feel safer in your arms than I’ve ever felt in my life.” She caressed Jinx’s cheek, traced her lips with her fingertips. Her eyes pooled again. “Just, please…Please, don’t give up on me.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  E. J. scratched Pete’s chest as he stood in her lap, his entire body wiggling at the scenes flowing past the passenger’s window: pedestrians on the city sidewalks—one on roller blades that warranted a brave bark—a cement truck and a man in a hard hat, and now, some workers in a field all seemed brand new through his eyes. Or maybe E. J. was simply trying to distract herself to calm her nerves.

  Jinx turned her Toyota off the main road, and passed beneath a tall, wooden arch that reminded E. J. of those in old westerns that said things like the Triple Bar Ranch or Thistleweed Acres. This one read Canine Complete in bold black lettering against a whitewashed background. The knot in E. J.’s stomach tightened.

  The previous night, when they had returned to Jinx’s, E. J. had let Jinx set the tone and pace for anything that might happen. She wanted to be with Jinx, but she didn’t want to push. She’d changed from slacks and blouse into something more casual and Jinx had remained in her jeans and T-shirt, but kicked off her shoes. They’d settled comfortably onto the bed and watched a Netflix movie. Jinx had slipped an arm around E. J. and cuddled her against her chest, while Pete made himself at home where their bodies met, but they hadn’t talked further about anything serious, nor had they had sex or even kissed. It was different, definitely, but E. J. found it calming. She was grateful to be in Jinx’s bed once again. She’d missed it, and she hadn’t realized it wasn’t only the sex she had missed until she felt herself sigh as she had lain against Jinx. They’d laughed through the movie and fallen asleep in each other’s arms afterward, fully clothed.

  When E. J. awakened, she was alone, but this time she knew exactly where to find Jinx. On the back porch, without a word, she nestled between Jinx’s thighs on the step below her and sank into the warmth of Jinx’s arms enfolding her in the blanket. Together, they greeted the dawn, sans the incredible orgasm, while Pete explored every inch of the backyard.

  At breakfast, though, E. J.’s newfound serenity had been shaken.

  “I’m off today, but I thought we could take Pete to meet Reggie and Sparkle,” Jinx had said casually.

  We, she had said, and now here they were, heading up the long driveway to the building and grounds that apparently comprised Canine Complete.

  “This first building is the main shop and the grooming salon,” Jinx said, a hint of pride in her voice. “Over there is the training facility.” She gestured to a building and several rows of outdoor pens to the left. “And that empty field over there is where Reggie and Sparkle want to add an emergency vet clinic, someday. The kennels are in the back. You can’t see them from here.”

  “It’s lovely,” E. J. said. And it was. Pristine white buildings and fences set against lush greenery reminded her of the beauty of Anne of Green Gables. She took in a deep breath and tried to dispel her nervousness, but she remained tense. She had wanted to beg off from accompanying Jinx this morning, but if she was going to make a go of being in Jinx’s life, she needed to do it.

  What was she anxious about? She had met Reggie and Sparkle before. Though, she hadn’t known they were Jinx’s best friends at the time, and they hadn’t known much about her—hadn’t known that every time she left Jinx she had no intention of returning, hadn’t known she had run out on her when she had learned of her past. Now, they unquestionably knew all of that, and she was sure Sparkle had opinions about it. If someone had treated Gwen the same way, she would certainly have opinions, and she doubted she would tell Gwen to give him another chance.

  Jinx continued around the side of the main building, past a sign that read Employees Only, and parked in a back lot with a couple of other cars. From there, a long building and large circular yard could be seen across an expanse of a lush, grassy field. Mature oak trees provided tranquility and shade.

  The view stole E. J.’s breath. “This really is beautiful,” she said, standing beside the car and taking it all in. She hated to admit her surprise even to herself. She hadn’t been consciously aware of it, but she had created a picture of what this place might look like based on her judgment of Sparkle. She had to start fresh, treat this as a first meeting.

  Pete pulled on his leash, trying to make a dash across the field, then sat and chewed on the leather strap.

  Jinx took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Ready?” She hadn’t said anything, but she seemed to sense E. J.’s unease.

  E. J. gripped her fingers gratefully and nodded.

  Jinx led her toward the back of a house that hadn’t been visible from the front parking lot. It, too, was painted a gleaming white, and a veranda ran the full width and up the sides. Sparkle stood at the back door. “Well, look what the cat drug in,” she said, looking directly at E. J. The words weren’t particularly friendly, but she was grinning. It could have been a joke.

  E. J. smiled. “Hello, Sparkle. It’s nice to see you again.”

  Sparkle ignored the pleasantry. “Who’s this cute little guy?” She knelt as Pete raced up the steps, Jinx scrambling behind to avoid choking him.

  Jinx unclipped the leash. “Sparkle, meet Pete,” Jinx said with a formal air. “Pete, this is your aunt Sparkle.” She ruffled the fur on his head.

  S
parkle laughed when he planted his front paws on her knees and tried to lick her face. “No, you don’t.” She caught him and eased him to the wooden deck. “Your aunt Reggie will break you of that before the day’s out, I’m sure. Where’d you find him?”

  “E. J. brought him,” Jinx said, sounding like a little kid.

  Sparkle shifted her gaze to E. J. still at the bottom of the steps. “Oh, you’re good.”

  E. J.’s cheeks heated. She knew her ploy had been transparent, but it had gotten her in the door. And now, they had Pete. They.

  “Hey, where’s Reggie?” Jinx asked. “I want her to meet Pete.”

  “Out in the training field, working with a dog off leash,” Sparkle said, continuing a playful jostling of the puppy who growled and batted at her. “Head on out there. Pete will be a good distraction for the training. I’ll keep your girl company,” she added, glancing at E. J.

  “Oh. I can go with Jinx,” E. J. said. “I don’t want to keep you from whatever you were doing.”

  “You won’t make it halfway in those shoes.” Sparkle nodded at E. J.’s open-toed, backless sandals. “There’s all sorts of stickers and burrs, and you’ll get those polished toes all dirty.”

  E. J. couldn’t tell if Sparkle was making fun of her or inviting her to stay for a conversation. She decided the latter was inevitable, regardless of shoes or timing. Sparkle was obviously the guardian at Jinx’s gate.

  Jinx looked at E. J., her expression hopeful.

  “If you’re sure,” E. J. said to Sparkle.

  Jinx grinned and jumped off the steps. She kissed E. J. firmly on the lips—their first kiss in over a month.

  E. J.’s heart melted. Damn! She was such a sucker for this woman.

  “We won’t be long,” Jinx called as she trotted off, Pete at her heels.

  “No hurry,” E. J. said. “I’ll be fine.” And she knew she would be. Now that she was face-to-face with Sparkle, she no longer felt intimidated. And Jinx looked so happy, running off with her new dog to show her best friend on this beautiful Sunday morning.

  “Coffee?” Sparkle said, recapturing E. J.’s attention.