Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  E. J. smiled. “That would be great. Thank you.”

  Sparkle motioned her to one of the Adirondack chairs in a grouping near the door. “Take a load off. I’ll be right back.”

  E. J. sat and shifted her sunglasses to the top of her head. She leaned back, enjoying the shaded veranda, relaxing more than she would have thought.

  Sparkle returned with a tray holding all the makings for the perfect cup of coffee along with some biscotti biscuits. “I knew you’d be back.” She sat opposite E. J.

  E. J. looked at her in surprise. So they were going to just dive right in? No testing the water. No wading. She was more accustomed to social politics and tiptoeing around a topic in polite, if obvious, evasion. Sparkle felt warmer this time, though, not the arctic ice floe she had seemed at their first meeting—not warm, but warmer. E. J. appreciated the effort. “You could have said something,” she said with a chuckle. “It could have saved us a few weeks.”

  Sparkle filled two mugs from a large carafe and set one in front of E. J. “Where’s the fun in that?” A hint of a smile touched her lips. “’Sides, nobody knew how to reach you. Including Jinxie. She says she doesn’t even know what city you live in. Seems she isn’t the only one with secrets.”

  E. J. felt herself blush. “Yes.” She sighed. “We need to exchange phone numbers.” It wasn’t as though she hadn’t thought about it, and even intended to, before. It was just so easy to get distracted when she was with Jinx. She didn’t think Sparkle wanted, or needed, to hear that, though.

  “That’d be a good start.”

  “And I live in Sacramento.”

  “I don’t care where you live.” Sparkle settled back into her chair. “But Jinxie does.” She sipped her coffee.

  A small laugh escaped E. J. She was going to end up liking Sparkle. She could tell. She studied her.

  “Something on your mind?” Sparkle asked. Gold flecks softened the sharpness of her green eyes.

  E. J. hesitated. She wanted to know more about Jinx, and she got the feeling Sparkle would be of help with that. She would have to let her guard down, though—something she didn’t often do. Hadn’t she been doing things she didn’t often do since the moment she met Jinx, though? “I was wondering…Jinx said you told her to give me another chance.”

  Sparkle nodded.

  “Why? I mean, I haven’t gotten the impression you like me much.”

  Sparkle rested her elbows on the arms of the chair and held her coffee in front of her. “I told her to give you another chance because that’s what she wanted to do—what her heart was aching to do. But she needed to be able to pretend, at least until you came back, that she didn’t want it. She needed someone to tell her to so when it came time, she could do it without losing face, as they say.”

  “How did you know that?” E. J. was aware Sparkle had sidestepped addressing whether she did or didn’t like her, but that was okay. They were talking. It’s a start.

  “A little bit because of the things she said about you, but mostly from the things she didn’t, from the way she was any time she thought she’d never see you again.”

  “How was she?”

  “Wounded.” The word held a bite. “Every time you left, you cut out a little piece of her and left her bleeding. Then just about when she was starting to mend, you showed back up again.”

  That was the perfect description of how E. J. felt when she had left each time—and what had ultimately made her return. She sighed. “Me, too,” she whispered.

  “Oh, no,” Sparkle said sharply. “You don’t get to do that. You’re the one who keeps leaving and coming back, then leaving again. Tough it up, and make it right if you’re going to be with Jinxie. If not, leave her be. She’s not a ride you come back to when you feel like it.”

  The short tirade hit its mark. Sparkle was right. E. J. had no business feeling sorry for herself or playing the poor me card. She had been the one to maintain the distance, both literally and emotionally, the one to keep control over how and when they saw each other. She had been coming and going as she pleased, with little thought for how it would feel on the other end. “You’re right. I’m sorry,” she heard herself saying, but her mind had moved on. “Would it be better if I left her alone?” The question was sincere. Maybe she wasn’t good for Jinx. She searched Sparkle’s face.

  Sparkle rolled her eyes. “For God’s sake, woman. No. It wouldn’t be better if you left her alone. It’d be better if you stepped up and were actually with her. She needs you. And whether or not you know it, you need her, too.”

  The statement startled E. J. She blinked in surprise. “What does that mean?”

  “When you first met Jinxie what did you feel?”

  E. J. smiled at the memory. “I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I felt an immediate connection,” she said cautiously. Had she just admitted that to a total stranger?

  Sparkle nodded, clearly satisfied. “Reggie says that Jinxie was the same way. She walked into that bar to bring Reggie her phone, took one look at you, and forgot everything else.”

  E. J. warmed at the words.

  “She’s never done that before. Usually, she’s focused on what she’s doing. And for her to go home with you told me something really different was going on.” Sparkle paused. “I’m sure Jinxie’s told you it’s been a really long time since she’s been with a woman.”

  “She did.” How long had Jinx said? Ten years? With everything else that had been said that night, she had forgotten.

  “That’s why I was a little concerned when you showed back up.” Sparkle’s expression was serious. “Chronologically, Jinxie’s forty-five, but emotionally, and in dealing with life outside of prison, she can be a babe in the woods. She spent her entire adult life having someone else make all her decisions.”

  “I hadn’t really thought of that,” E. J. said.

  “On top of that, there’s something really special about Jinxie. She’s got such a kind heart. She’ll do anything for anyone. I think of her as kind of a hero. Both of them, actually.” Sparkle looked across the field.

  E. J. followed her gaze to where Jinx, Reggie, and Pete were entering one of the pens on the far side.

  “They don’t really know it. They don’t think of themselves as heroes because they don’t have big S’s on their chests or wear superhero costumes, but they help people. They fight for people who can’t fight for themselves. They save people.” Sparkle kept her eyes on the trio, or maybe on Reggie. Her voice had softened in that way a woman’s voice does when thinking of her lover.

  “Did Reggie save you?” E. J. asked quietly.

  Sparkle nodded. “She doesn’t know it. Reggie just thinks she does what needs doing, that pulling me out of a car I’d deliberately driven off a pier is something anyone would do for a stranger on her way to see her mom. Or that training service dogs for free is how everyone spends her spare time. That tracking up into the mountains in the middle of winter with her rescue team to find a missing moron of a hiker who ignored the weather report, is the same as an afternoon walk.” Sparkle picked up some biscotti and handed a piece to E. J. “And Jinxie…” She shook her head. “That girl believes helping neighbor kids with their homework and watching over them when their mom’s working nights, feeding a homeless guy, taking in some old dog and lying all night on the floor with him so he won’t die alone, holding some junkie…” Sparkle wiped her eyes. “…through withdrawals, and then scaring the bejeezus out of her so she stays clean…she actually believes those things don’t make a difference in the world, because that bitch of a sister of hers won’t talk to her. They’re both clueless, but they’re both heroes.”

  E. J. remembered the origin of Jinx’s name. She warmed inside. She had herself a real live superhero. As she processed Sparkle’s words, she watched Reggie point at Pete, say something, coax him into a sitting position, and then repeat the whole routine. She knew most of what Sparkle had shared about Jinx. “Who’s the junkie?” she asked gently.

 
“My baby sister, Trisha. They were in prison together for a while. Jinxie literally saved her life, then kept the idiot kid alive long enough for her to get out. She gave her back to me. That’s how we met Jinxie.”

  Jinx was on the ground with Pete, lavishing him with obvious praise and love.

  Admiration, respect, and deep affection swelled within E. J. The things Jinx and Reggie did weren’t things done by anyone in the circles she had lived in all her life.

  “The puppy was a great trick,” Sparkle said.

  E. J. glanced at her warily.

  “Because, you know, who can say no to a puppy?” She smiled. “But that aside, Jinxie should have a dog.”

  E. J. watched as Jinx now went through the training routine with Pete. Suddenly, she wanted to know more. She was ready to hear more. “Do you know anything else about Jinx when she was in prison?”

  “I know she worked in the education department and helped a lot of those girls get their GEDs, so they at least had a high school credential when they got out. She even taught some others to read. And she got herself stabbed trying to save someone in a fight. That’s about what I know.”

  “Val?” E. J. couldn’t help but ask.

  Sparkle shook her head. “No, Val was already dead when Jinxie got injured.” She paused. “Trisha said she heard Jinxie had actually gotten out of the fight, but then she saw this stupid-terrified new inmate get yanked into the brawl. Jinxie pulled her out but not before she got herself cut open.”

  E. J. trembled slightly as the image of Jinx falling to the floor flashed in her mind. Her stomach knotted, and she blanched.

  “You okay?” Sparkle asked.

  “I’m fine.” E. J. tried to sound as though it was true, but the whisper of her answer gave her away. “Why would she do that? Why would she go back in?”

  Sparkle was quiet for a moment. “Do you know anything about twelve-step programs?”

  “Not a lot.”

  “One of the most important steps is making amends, which is when they apologize to anyone they hurt when they were using and ask for forgiveness.” Sparkle leaned back in her chair. “But sometimes, it’s not possible. Either people aren’t around anymore or they just can’t forgive. In those cases, there is something called living amends. They can’t change what they’ve done, but they can change how they live and what they do from that point on. So, they do good deeds, help people. Try to make a difference.”

  “Jinx definitely makes a difference in a lot of people’s lives.” E. J. took another sip of coffee.

  “And you can make a difference in hers.”

  “What could I do that could make the kind of difference Jinx does?”

  “If you’re going to be with her, then actually be with her. No more of this back and forth crap so she never knows if she can count on you. It’s your job to love her, no matter what.”

  E. J. stilled.

  “Oh, don’t go getting all squirmy over the L-word. You already love her, whether you want to admit it or not. Just stay now and be here for her.”

  E. J. wanted to run, but she wouldn’t. She took strength from Sparkle’s steady gaze.

  “She’s here for you, too, if you’ll let her be.”

  “She is?”

  Sparkle laughed and patted E. J.’s knee. “Of course, she is. She’ll help you through all that stuff with your son, if you’ll let her.”

  “She told you about that?”

  Sparkle smirked. “Didn’t you tell your friends about her being in prison and the stuff with her family?”

  E. J. flushed. “Yes.”

  “There you go,” Sparkle said briskly. “And here come our heroes.”

  Jinx ran the last twenty yards or so, excitement lighting her face. “Watch what Pete can do,” she said, skidding to a stop. She gave the puppy a series of commands, each one of which he followed perfectly.

  E. J. and Sparkle laughed and applauded, while Reggie stood by with a wide smile. When the performance was complete, she stepped up onto the porch. “It’s great to see you again, E. J.” She gave her a wink.

  E. J. felt her warmth. “Thank you,” she said. “It’s nice to see you again, too.”

  Reggie leaned down and kissed Sparkle. “What have you two been talking about? Or do I want to know?”

  Sparkle took her hand. “You don’t want to know.”

  “I didn’t think so.” Reggie looked at the two of them skeptically. “I don’t think we should leave these two alone very often,” she said to Jinx.

  “I don’t know,” Jinx said, smiling at E. J. “The last time I left E. J. alone, I came home to a fantastic dinner.”

  “Well, if you’re hungry now, you and Sparkle are going to have to whip something up,” Reggie said, returning her attention to E. J. “This lady owes me a rematch.”

  “We’re going to the bar?”

  “Nope, there’s a pool table right inside.” Reggie took E. J.’s hand and coaxed her to her feet. “And this time, I’m on to you.”

  “Why, I don’t know what you mean,” E. J. said innocently.

  *

  E. J. stepped out onto Jinx’s back porch. She had enjoyed the afternoon with Reggie and Sparkle, had beaten Reggie at pool again, and had lost a hundred and sixty-nine tooth picks—a hundred of her own and sixty-nine she borrowed from Jinx—playing poker. She had also learned Reggie and Sparkle had been together for eighteen years. It was inspiring, and she even allowed herself a brief fantasy of her and Jinx growing old together. Perhaps a little ridiculous after knowing one another for only two months, one during which they hadn’t even spoken. She stepped behind Jinx at the railing and barely kept from slipping her arms around Jinx’s waist. Jinx still hadn’t initiated any contact between them other than holding her the night before and the one kiss at the kennels.

  Jinx turned to face her. “Your dog apparently can’t find the perfect spot to go to the bathroom.”

  E. J. glanced out into the yard where Pete seemed to be wandering aimlessly. “My dog?” She inhaled the scent that was uniquely Jinx and felt her natural response. Arousal tightened in her abdomen. “I brought him for you.” She wanted to touch her so badly.

  Jinx smiled, but there was a sadness in her eyes. She took E. J.’s hand and ran two fingertips along the length of one finger.

  E. J. looked down and watched the movement. The sight, the touch, the stroke was so sensual, so tender. She got lost for a moment.

  “E. J., I have to tell you something,” Jinx said softly.

  Oh my God. More? E. J. looked up to see if it was a joke. It was too soon to be joking about it. They hadn’t even fully discussed what she had already told E. J.

  “I want to kiss you,” Jinx said. “I mean, really kiss you, not like this morning. And I want to go to bed with you, have sex with you—”

  “Oh, God, Jinx. I want that, too.” E. J.’s desire flared hotter.

  “But I can’t until I tell you something that happened since the last time I saw you. It might make you change your mind, so you need to know first.”

  E. J. watched Jinx’s lips, felt the warmth of her fingertips on her skin. What was she saying? What had she done? Had she slept with someone else? That would sting, but E. J. couldn’t really blame her if she had. “It’s okay. We didn’t—”

  “Baby, please, let me say this.”

  E. J. fell silent. Jinx was so serious. “Okay.”

  “Tiffany contacted me. She wanted us to get to know one another. I’ve seen her twice.” The words spilled out in a steady stream, as though she was afraid if she paused, she wouldn’t be able to finish.

  E. J. went still, but her thoughts raced. Tiffany’s seeing Jinx, talking to her? God, what had they talked about? Did Jinx tell her…? No, Jinx wouldn’t do that. Or if she had, she would have included that little tidbit. E. J. felt her fear and anger rising. Why wasn’t anything ever enough? She had gotten herself to come back, convinced herself to deal with whatever might come up for her about Jinx’s past. She wanted
to see how Jinx might affect her life and her relationship with Jacob, in the future. In the future. Not now. But here it was, already in her face. Tiffany in contact with Jinx…so close.

  “E. J.?” Jinx said softly. “Are you okay?”

  E. J. slipped her hand from Jinx’s grasp. She wasn’t okay, but could she be? She remembered Sparkle’s words about being there, so Jinx knew she could count on her. The previous night she had cried in Jinx’s arms and asked her not to give up on her. But if she was going to ask that of Jinx, she couldn’t give up either. She moved beside Jinx and gripped the porch railing.

  Jinx remained where she was. She stared at her feet.

  “How did she contact you?” E. J. asked.

  “The first time she came by because she didn’t have my number. The second, she called, and I met her for something to eat.” Jinx’s voice sounded as hollow as E. J.’s.

  E. J.’s anxiety heightened. “She knows where you live.”

  “Yes.”

  E. J. knew Jinx must be waiting—waiting for her to freak out, run into the house, pack her stuff, and vanish again. She had tried that, though. It didn’t work. She couldn’t forget Jinx. Besides, she didn’t want to. She had spent the past week and a half deciding to face her fears, to give herself the chance to be happy like Taylor had said. And she still had time. Tiffany wasn’t actually here. She simply wanted to get to know Jinx. “Does Jacob know?”

  “No. Tiffany wants us to get to know each other before anyone else comes into it.” Jinx’s voice was stronger, but she still didn’t look at E. J.

  She was terrified to ask the next question, but she had to know. “Did you tell Tiffany about you and me?”

  Jinx jerked her head up, her eyes wide with evident surprise. “Of course not. E. J., I wouldn’t ever—”

  “Shhhh.” E. J. turned to her and brushed her fingers across her shoulders. She needed to touch Jinx, needed Jinx to touch her, needed to feel that safety she always felt in Jinx’s arms. “Hold me?” she whispered.

  Jinx stared at her. “You’re not leaving?”

  She wasn’t. She couldn’t. She wanted to stay. She wanted to be with Jinx, not just for the night, but the way Sparkle had said. And, at least for tonight, she could relax. She knew Jacob and Tiffany were in Napa for the weekend. She had time to figure out what was next. She could enjoy tonight with Jinx. She shook her head. “I’m staying. But I need you, Jinx. Take me to bed.”