Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  On the front steps, Jinx embraced Tiffany, partly as a good-bye, but mostly in gratitude.

  “Is she going to be all right?” Tiffany asked.

  “She’ll be fine,” Jinx said, but she wished she had more confidence. She stepped back inside and closed the door.

  E. J. still sat on the edge of the bed, hugging herself and staring at nothing.

  “E. J.?”

  “I can’t,” E. J. said. “I can’t do it. I’m not ready. But now, Tiffany knows.”

  Jinx remembered something Namastacey had told her when Val died. We know we’re ready for something because it happens. It’d helped her, but something told her E. J. wasn’t in the mood for jailhouse wisdom. It could wait until E. J. was calmer. “That’s okay, baby. You don’t need to be. She said she wouldn’t say anything to Jacob.”

  “How long will that last? How long will it be before she realizes she’s keeping a huge secret from him, keeping a lie between them, and feels the need to tell him?”

  “I don’t think Tiffany would do that. Not without talking to you first.”

  E. J. blew out a breath. “How do you know? You’ve known Tiffany for a minute and a half,” E. J. said, her tone sharp.

  Jinx closed her eyes. E. J. is scared, and people say things when they’re scared. It isn’t about me.

  “I’ve seen them together. They’re so close. She’s not going to want this between them. And how’s she then going to explain that she already knew, if and when he does find out? How’s she going to explain why her loyalty was to me, and not him?”

  “E. J., let’s take it a step at a time. Right now, all that happened is your daughter-in-law now knows something important about you, and she’s being supportive. She said it isn’t a big thing. She’s known I’m gay from our first conversation, and it hasn’t mattered at all. And today, she said she’s glad if we’re happy together. This should be a good thing.”

  E. J. finally focused on Jinx, her eyes angry. “You think this should be a good thing? Even after I’ve told you what happened to Jacob and why I’ve never told him?”

  Jinx hesitated. “I think you feel guilty about that, and your guilt is coloring your perspective. Tiffany said Jacob’s grateful to you for helping him through that. He said he couldn’t have made it through it without his mother.”

  E. J. stiffened. “You talked to Tiffany about me? About me and Jacob?” Her voice was glacial.

  “Tiffany talked to me about you. I didn’t bring it up.”

  “But you went with it? Why? Because you think it’s going to get you something you want? You think if you can figure me out, it’s going to get you a place at our Thanksgiving table? That you’re going to be part of our big, happy family?” E. J. stood and began to pace.

  “What?”

  “We don’t have a big, happy family, Jinx. So you’re going to have to just make up with your own.”

  Jinx was dumbfounded. How did this get turned around on her? Her own temper flared. “Maybe you’re the reason you don’t, because you’re too scared to let them know you. And we’re not talking about my family. My family knows me, for better or for worse. Until now, I thought none of them wanted anything to do with me, but at least they’ve known the truth, both about what I’ve done and that I haven’t given up on them. I’m still trying. You’ve given up on Jacob. You decided what he can and can’t handle, and you’ve taken yourself from him, and he doesn’t even know why. And what about your daughter? Mandy, is it? The daughter you’ve never even mentioned because you’re so obsessed with Jacob? How long ago did you give up on her?”

  E. J. stopped pacing and gave her a steely glare. It was that other E. J. again. Jinx had poked the dragon. “How dare you talk to me about this? It doesn’t concern you.”

  “Somebody has to.” Jinx shoved her hands into her jeans pockets. “You’ve shut everyone else out. You’re so terrified to let anyone know you, to let anyone love you. This isn’t about your kids, E. J. It’s about you. What is so scary about letting someone love you?”

  “What’s scary about it?” E. J.’s tone was incredulous. “This!” She pointed at the floor. “This, right here, is what’s scary about it. My life was fine—I was fine—before I met you. And then, I met you…and…and…” She pressed her fingertips to her temples. “I met you, and I couldn’t think. And I couldn’t stop. And all my rules went out the window. And now my daughter-in-law knows the one thing I’ve worked so hard to keep separate, to keep in its own little box for me to enjoy. Now I’ve lost control. It’s no longer up to me who knows. If she decides in some moment of intimacy,” she almost spat the words, “to tell my son, I can’t do a damned thing about it. And all because I let someone in. I let you in”

  Jinx couldn’t hold back a scoff. “This is in? You haven’t let me in. You’ve controlled every second of what we’ve shared. You’ve kept me at arm’s length. You’ve come into my life if and when and how far you please, at any given moment, and pull completely out of it whenever you choose—whenever we start getting too close. Hell, I didn’t even know what city you live in until a week ago.”

  “You never asked.”

  “Oh! Is that it? I just have to ask?” Jinx paused as if to think. “Okay. Let’s see, then. What about your daughter? You know, the daughter you never mention. What’s up with her? You have this whole little world you’ve built up around Jacob and why he can’t know you. Why can’t Mandy?”

  E. J. glared at her.

  Jinx shrugged. “I asked.”

  E. J.’s expression was hard, her eyes an iced green. “I’m not doing this. I can’t.” She left the room and returned with her things from the bathroom.

  “What are you doing?” Jinx asked.

  E. J. pulled her suitcase from the corner.

  “Oh, yeah,” Jinx said. “Here we go. Here’s the E. J. I know, walking out the door.” She waited for her stomach to knot, for that feeling of panic, that ache of loneliness. It didn’t come. Instead, calm came over her. Was she done? No, not done. Just clear. She couldn’t alleviate E. J.’s fear. That was up to E. J. She had to decide what it was worth to be loved. In that moment, she realized the conversation had stopped being about E. J.’s kids, and whether or not they could love her for who she was. She realized she loved E. J., had fallen in love with her—God help her—but she’d learned to love herself as well. And she couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t keep watching E. J. walk out the door in some bizarre Groundhog’s Day loop. She wasn’t ashamed of who she was, and she wasn’t going to be treated like a dirty little secret.

  “You know what? You’re right.” Jinx crossed to where E. J. was packing. “I can’t do this anymore either. If you leave again, you can’t come back.”

  E. J.’s response was barely a flinch, but it was something.

  “Baby, I’m not pretending to have all the answers, and I’m not telling you how and when to come out to your kids. I’m just saying you can’t dump me every time you get scared. If you care about us at all, you have to stay and trust we can work something out.”

  E. J. shoved a shoe into the back of her bag.

  Jinx didn’t want to watch. She retreated to the bathroom and shut the door. She sat cross-legged on the counter and leaned against the mirror. She waited, listening for the sound of E. J.’s heels on the linoleum, the opening of the door, the start of an engine. She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. She had no idea how long she’d been sitting there when she became aware of her surroundings again, but the house was quiet. She was sure E. J. was gone. Maybe she’d take Pete for a walk. When she rounded the corner into the living room, she halted. Her heart leapt.

  E. J.’s bag still sat on the bed, and E. J. lay curled beside it. Her shoulders shook. Pete snuggled into the curve of her body.

  Jinx stood over her, looking down.

  E. J. petted Pete tenderly. She sniffed. “We scared him.”

  Jinx lowered herself onto the bed and spooned E. J. She slipped her arm over her waist and st
roked Pete’s muzzle. “We scared me, too,” she whispered.

  He licked her palm.

  E. J. laced her fingers between Jinx’s and tucked their hands beneath her chin. “I can’t not come back,” she said, her voice trembling. “So, I can’t go. But I don’t know what to do.”

  “I don’t know either,” Jinx said quietly. “Maybe the thing to do is to not do anything. You’ve been trying to keep every detail, every moment, every aspect of your life so controlled and separate. Maybe it’s time to just let everything be what it is, let everyone be who they are, and see what happens.”

  E. J. took in a shuddering breath. “Oh God, Jinx, that terrifies me.”

  “I know, baby.” She rubbed her cheek against E. J.’s hair.

  “I do care about us,” E. J. said. She kissed Jinx’s knuckle. “Tell me we can work this out.”

  “We can.” Jinx tightened her hold. “We have to. We’ve both been through too much to finally find each other, only to lose one another again.”

  “I’m so tired,” E. J. whispered.

  “Sleep, baby. I’ll be right here.” She’d get up later and make Kenny something to eat, but for now, holding E. J. was all she needed to do.

  She lay pressed against her, listening to her breathe, to Pete’s occasional doggie-dream woofs, to the quieting sounds of evening as darkness blanketed the room.

  Then a gunshot, a scream, and the squeal of tires shattered the night.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  E. J. bolted upright, her heart pounding. “What was that?”

  Pete leapt off the bed, barking.

  Someone outside screamed.

  “Sounded like a shot,” Jinx said, halfway to the door. “Call 911.” Before E. J. could respond, Jinx was gone.

  E. J. grabbed her phone and made the call, then hurried outside.

  A small crowd gathered in the yard next door, and there was a commotion on the front porch.

  As E. J. crossed the driveway, she heard a woman sobbing and saw Jinx huddled at the top of the steps with a couple of other people.

  Jinx ripped a strip of fabric from the hem of her shirt.

  E. J. moved up behind her and looked down.

  A little girl of about eleven or twelve lay on the cement deck, blood almost instantly soaking the makeshift bandage Jinx had applied to her head wound. The woman kneeling beside her continued to cry and cross herself, repeating something over and over in Spanish.

  “Oh my God,” E. J. whispered.

  Jinx looked back at her. “Get me some shirts from the top drawer of my dresser. Hurry.”

  E. J. raced back to the house. She grabbed an armful of Jinx’s T-shirts and dashed back. Her thoughts reeled. Who would shoot a child? She handed several to Jinx, then knelt beside the crying woman and encircled her trembling shoulders.

  The woman slumped in her arms.

  In the distance, sirens wailed in the night as Jinx folded one shirt over the wound and tied it into place with another.

  “C’mon, Angelita, stay with us. Your mama needs you.”

  There was no response from the little girl.

  When the police and the paramedics arrived, E. J. and Jinx held Angelita’s mother between them and helped her to the bottom of the steps to give the emergency team room to work, and so an officer could take her statement. E. J. caught only bits and pieces between the noise of radios and the woman lapsing into Spanish frequently. Angelita’s mother’s name was Mercedes, and Angelita had been sitting on the porch swing, listening to a CD, when someone had fired from a passing car. The terms gang and drive-by drifted through the air.

  Jinx stayed with Mercedes through it all, and when the paramedics lifted the gurney into the ambulance, she offered to follow and make sure Mercedes got to the hospital. They started toward Jinx’s car.

  With Mercedes settled in the front seat, Jinx turned to E. J. for the first time.

  E. J. winced at the sight of Jinx’s blood-streaked hands and the crimson stains on her jeans and torn T-shirt where she had wiped them. She had to look away.

  “I don’t know how long this is going to take,” Jinx said. She glanced over her shoulder at the woman in the car. “We might be there all night and into tomorrow.”

  “I know,” E. J. said. She focused on Jinx’s eyes. She couldn’t keep Sparkle’s words out of her mind. She’s a hero. E. J. could see that and yes, heroes help people and save people. They also die sometimes, though, and so much blood on Jinx disconcerted her. “Do you think Reggie and Sparkle would take Pete?”

  Jinx tensed. “You’re leaving?” Her tone was edged with resignation.

  “No. I want to come to the hospital and be with you.” E. J. caressed her arm. “But since we don’t know how long it will be, I don’t want to leave him alone. If they can take him, I’ll grab you a change of clothes, drop off Pete, and meet you at the hospital.”

  A tender smile made its way across Jinx’s lips. “Thank you,” she said, already on her way around the car to the driver’s side. “I’ll let them know you’re coming.”

  Forty-five minutes later, E. J. found Jinx and Mercedes in the ER waiting room. Pablo sat beside his mother. Jinx introduced her to Mercedes’s two sisters and several other family members before moving to two seats where they could sit together. There was no word yet on Angelita’s condition. Jinx had obviously taken the time to wash her hands, but her clothes were still stained and torn.

  E. J. handed her the PetSmart bag she was carrying. “Here, why don’t you go change? It will make you feel better while we wait. And it would probably be better for the family, too.”

  Jinx nodded and disappeared into a nearby restroom.

  While E. J. waited, she watched Angelita’s family, some crying, all wearing expressions strained by worry and dread. Pablo had greeted her when she first arrived but hadn’t met her eyes. Now, he slumped forward, elbows on his knees, making a quick swipe of his hand over his face every few minutes.

  “Any word?” Jinx asked, sitting beside E. J. again.

  E. J. shook her head. “Where was Pablo tonight? I didn’t see him earlier.”

  “I don’t know. Probably out with his boys.” Jinx’s tone was tinged with disgust.

  E. J. glanced at her. She had never heard Jinx express any kind of judgment, of anyone, even implied as it was here. “You mean his gang?”

  Jinx nodded. She pinched the bridge of her nose.

  E. J. looked back at the boy. He really did look like a boy tonight. “Well, it was a drive-by. He couldn’t have done anything to stop it if he had been home.”

  “No, but it’s the choices he’s made that led up to tonight. The choices he makes every day that could get him killed. Mercedes has been trying to get him to get out of the gang.”

  “What about you?” E. J. asked, genuinely curious.

  Jinx looked confused. “What about me?”

  “Have you talked to him?”

  “We’ve talked about him being in it, but not much about him getting out. If he won’t listen to his mom, he’s not going to listen to me.”

  “I would think you’d be the one he might listen to.” E. J. covered Jinx’s hand with her own.

  “Why?”

  “Because he respects you. I could tell that from the way he talked about you in the conversation we had. And because you spent twenty years in prison, which is where he could end up if he keeps doing what he’s doing. You can tell him, firsthand, what it’s like, where bad choices can land him. And because you know what it feels like to lose people you love because of those choices. Not in the same way as tonight, but lose them still.”

  Jinx had kept her gaze on their hands as E. J. spoke. She tightened her grasp on E. J.’s fingers. “You really think so?”

  “I do.”

  Jinx looked at her thoughtfully, then turned in Pablo’s direction.

  The door beside them whirred open, and several guys in gang attire came in.

  Pablo looked up, then said something to his mother and rose
. “Hey,” he said as he approached his friends. “’Sup?”

  “Yeah, man, it’s all over the street. They think they got you. She was wearin’ your hat.”

  Pablo clenched his jaw. “Well, they didn’t get me. Motherfuckers. They got my kid sister.” His voice shook, whether with pain or rage, E. J. couldn’t be sure.

  “Ms. Mendoza?” a doctor called from the emergency room doorway.

  Mercedes rose, and the doctor came to her. The rest of the family gathered around. E. J. and Jinx moved closer.

  “The wound itself isn’t that bad,” the doctor said. She reminded E. J. of Mandy, with her direct approach and sincere eyes. “It’s technically a graze, but it fractured your daughter’s skull. We did a CT, and there’s no sign of any other injury, but she hasn’t woken up yet.” Maybe she wasn’t like Mandy at all. Maybe E. J. was thinking of her because someone’s daughter was lying somewhere behind that door not waking up. She slipped her arm around Jinx’s waist for comfort.

  “Would you like to go sit with her?” the doctor asked Mercedes.

  “Yes, please,” Mercedes said weakly. She turned to Pablo. “Come with me?”

  Pablo’s expression was hard. “No, Mama. I got something to take care of.”

  Mercedes looked at his friends. “Pablo, no. Please, come sit with Angelita.” She gripped his arm.

  “You go. I’ll be back.” He eased from her grasp and walked toward the door.

  E. J. had heard enough about gang retaliation, seen enough movies like Boyz in the Hood, to know what was most likely happening. “Pablo,” she called, but Jinx was already going after him. She followed.

  “Pablo, wait,” Jinx said in the corridor.

  He stopped. “It’s okay, Jinx. I know what I gotta do.”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  Pablo looked to his friends. “Get the car. I’ll be there in a sec.”

  One glared at Jinx, then led the others down the hall.

  “They shot Angelita,” Pablo said to Jinx. “I gotta take care of my family.”

  “This isn’t the way. How are you going to take care of them if you’re in prison? Or worse, dead.”

  “Stay out of it, Jinx.” Pablo’s eyes sparked. “I know what I’m doing.”