Hold Her Down

by Kathryn R. Biel

Thomas coughed a little.

  "Oh, don't try to deny it, Daddy. She's had your balls since day one. You never had the spine to speak up, even when you knew she was being tremendously unfair to me. Just like now. She's bringing up that I had trouble getting a date in high school, when the issue is that my husband walked out on me, rather than defending me. Instead of standing by me, and standing up for me, he left me on my own. He didn't think that I was worth fighting for. Just like you, Dad. You've never thought I was worth fighting for."

  Thomas cleared his throat a little. "That's not entirely true."

  "But true enough, right?"

  "So why did Peter leave, exactly?" Agnes just couldn't resist needling her.

  "You know what, Mom, it's not important." Elizabeth shrugged, realizing that this was true. She stood up to leave. "What's important is that I start putting my needs first. I need to take care of me. And that means doing things that make me happy. I'm done trying to please others. I'm going to put myself first for once."

  "I knew that's what the whole hair and make-up thing was about. You're having an affair, aren't you? Well, do you think he's really going to marry you? You cheated to be with him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He'll remember that. I hate to say that to you because you are my daughter, but now you're a cheater too."

  "You've proven my point, Mother. When even your own mother has no faith in you, how are you supposed to have faith in yourself?"

  "I've always believed in you, pumpkin." Thomas said quietly. He couldn't raise his eyes to meet the death stare radiating from Agnes.

  "Maybe, maybe not, Dad. But you never said so. And now, it's too little, too late. I've decided that, from this moment forward, I only need approval from one person. And that's me. Screw you, Mom. Screw Peter. Screw Nancy Beemer and the rest of those bitches at school. My only focus is to make my children and me happy and proud. And they can be proud that they have a mother who has finally stopped being a doormat."

  And with that, she left.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: October 17, 2012

  Elizabeth sighed as her phone alerted her to another text message. She dreaded looking at it, already guessing who the sender was. Feeling guilty for anticipating it, and even looking forward to it. She left the keys in the ignition as dug her iPhone out of her purse to check. She had a few minutes before she needed to be home. Although she knew she should wait until she got home to check the text, she just couldn't discipline herself that long. She was surprised to see the alert telling her that Peter had texted her. Huh. He very rarely texted. That was no surprise, seeing as how he rarely communicated with her, or anyone, to begin with. Maybe that was the reason their separation was quite amicable. In fact, their separation had actually lightened the mood in the house. Now that she had no expectations from Peter, now that she wanted nothing from him, he kept surprising her. Like with this text.

  He had returned from his parents' house, tired and frazzled, and totally worn out from being the only parent for a week. He was ready to kiss and make up. But Elizabeth wasn't. Her confrontations, first with Jack, then Nancy, then finally her parents, helped her put her life in perspective for once. Two years ago, when she had sat down in desperation in the snow, she had been lost, totally adrift. She had no identity, no sense of self. Her whole being was wrapped up in the roles that defined her, rather than herself. Those roles had held her down to the point where she could no longer breathe. She had forgotten the person she used to be and the person she had once hoped to be. Facing the fact that she was so lost that she would consider suicide had started to open her eyes to the gravity of her situation. She was so raw and vulnerable that she would have probably opened up to anyone who had opened the door to her that night. It just happened to be Jack.

  Jack.

  What were the odds that this person who played a seemingly minor part in her past had completely changed her life? Before the book, before the scandal, he had helped her see that she was lost. Those two days and nights that they sat talking, were what gave Elizabeth the motivation to change the course of her life when she came down out of the mountains. He had asked her how she had gone from a vivacious teenager to a withdrawn and depressed woman. He made her think about how she had become so desperate to escape the confines of her life that freezing to death seemed a viable option. Opening up made Elizabeth realize the choices she had made and how she had arrived at her current station.

  Take, for instance, her career. Jack had been surprised to learn that she was a special education teacher. Elizabeth had always talked about a career in theater, most likely in writing. From the time she was in her first class play in the third grade, Elizabeth had wanted to be a playwright. From that point on, she was always involved in school and community plays. Her normal shyness was cast aside when she was on the stage, and her ability to memorize was an asset. The years of dance lessons paid off, and Elizabeth could see the big picture on the stage. But performing had only been a small part of what engaged Elizabeth. She loved the writing and directing aspect of the theater. When she left the stage, the doubt began to creep in. Her eleventh grade English teacher had not particularly cared for her, and it was reflected in her grades. That shook her confidence in her writing skills, and Agnes put the nail in the coffin of her dreams.

  Her mother told her repeatedly that she was not cut out for the cutthroat nature of show business. That she did not have the thick skin to take rejection. Ironically, Elizabeth remembered Agnes bringing up the Jack business when she was beginning her college search junior year. "Remember how devastated you were when that Jack boy passed you over for Jaimie? You cried for days. It would be like that all the time, every single time you got rejected. There is no way that you could handle it."

  Christ, with a cheering section like that, it was a wonder that Elizabeth had not tried to kill herself before. In fact, that was one of the reasons Elizabeth asked Jack to the prom. She wanted to prove to Agnes that she was totally over it. That she was strong enough to handle rejection and move on. Of course, by that time, it really was a moot point, as Elizabeth had applied to liberal arts programs rather than theater. By the time she went away to school, she did not even have the courage to try out for the campus theater, thinking that the roles would go only to serious theater students. She felt lost and adrift while in college, as she continued to deny what she truly wanted from life. The more lost she felt, the more her personality shrank, and she just went with the flow. Jeez, no wonder she let her mother talk her into marrying Peter. Probably nothing better would come along for the shell of a person she'd become. Agnes was right.

  Jack had asked her if she liked her job, if it fulfilled her in any way. Letting the whiskey talk, she laughed, and had said, "I get to use my acting skills more than if I were on stage every day! 'Oh honey, what a beautiful picture.' 'Yes, sweetie, I'm sure that Bobby started it.' 'Of course, Mrs. Smith. All kids are a little rambunctious. I'm sure Bobby will be just fine.'" They had laughed over some situations in which she really had to have a poker face. Then she was able to truthfully say, "It may not have been my first choice in careers, but I think I'm pretty good at what I do. I get to make a big difference for the children and their families, and that means so much. It's certainly more worthwhile than applause is, and lasts longer, too." She hadn't thought about it until she said it aloud. It somehow made her life less futile.

  Since the end of their summer visit, Jack had been texting Elizabeth. He started it as a pretense for making sure she got home safely that night. A few days later, it was to see if she was faring all right without Peter and the kids. Then it was to see how things went when Peter got home. Next, he wanted to know how things were at school.

  Elizabeth knew she shouldn't answer him, but she couldn't help herself. She couldn't not respond to his texts. Jack was as engaging as he had been twenty years ago. He knew the Elizabeth that had once been full of life and potential. He knew Liza. And despite everything, he helped her realize that she still had potential. His seeming
ly rude comments about her hair looking bad had inspired her to grow her hair out. He had commented that weekend about how shabby her clothes looked. He had been concerned that she was poor and destitute. It made her see that she needed to pay more attention to herself if she wanted anyone else to. He had set her along the path to self-discovery.

  And the book. The book that changed everything, that ruined friendships and ended her marriage. When Elizabeth stepped back and read it with a clear head and focus, she was blown away. The casual reader would enjoy the titillating sexcapades as the story and be satisfied with that. Nancy had read more into it, with anger and resentment clouding her perspective. She saw a weak-minded woman who was dominated and abused, and was not able to hold her own against a man. When Elizabeth read the book, she saw the message in it. The lost woman, a shell of a person. The man helping her to find her own empowerment. Yes, it was through a sexual lifestyle that most did not consider mainstream. Obviously, that part of the book was fictional. Elizabeth did not even understand some of what was going on at times in the book, and she needed to look up some terms just to figure out what the characters were doing. But through this, the main character was able to find self-expression that she had previously lacked. She gained confidence and found happiness.

  That was the point of the book. That was the message that Jack had been sending to her. Not that he wanted to whip her, abuse her, or degrade her, but that he wanted her to find what invigorates her. Jack had taken one look at Elizabeth and had seen that she was a shell, a fraction of the person she had the potential to be. In writing this book, he was telling her that she needed to figure out she was worth more and that she needed an outlet through which to express herself. It showed her that she was already being dominated and controlled, not simply by her husband or mother, but by her own almost pathologic need to fit in and seek acceptance. Elizabeth's conformity and desire to please formed their own set of shackles that dictated every move in her life. She let Peter and her mother bully her into most things.

  Jack had been sending her the message that she was being dominated, and she needed to figure out how to stop being a submissive. In a very messed-up kind of way, it was a sweet, sensitive, caring message. It was his gift to her.

  That was why Elizabeth couldn't cut off communication with him. It was only through texting, and an occasional e-mail. She had resorted to e-mail to ask him questions about the book. To question and confirm his motivation. Elizabeth drew the line at calling him or seeing him again. She would not, could not, cross that line until things were settled between her and Peter.

  Peter. She shifted her thoughts back to him. He had texted her. What could he possibly want? It was his night with the kids. She had them this weekend and had made plans to take them to a hayride. After the soccer games, religious education classes and music lessons, of course. She swiped her phone open and read the message. Unbelievable. He wanted to have dinner. With her. Alone. It was a school night. They had no activities on, but there was homework, and it was shower night. Elizabeth sighed. She totally wasn't in the mood for Peter tonight. She had been hoping to work on her new project tonight while he spent time with the kids after dinner.

  There would be no avoiding him. He was in town this week, so he was staying at the house. While he had agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to a trial separation, he had not agreed to leave the house. He was traveling again, sometimes as much as two weeks each month. They returned to their previous schedule, splitting nights and alternating weekends with the kids. Elizabeth found it ironic that the whole process of splitting responsibility like a divorced couple not only helped prolong their marriage, but actually made for an easy split as well. When he was home, Peter stayed in the downstairs guest room. He had packed his clothes and moved them out of the master closet and into the downstairs one.

  Most of the time, the split had very little effect on Elizabeth. Peter was gone so much that her life was relatively unchanged. Things were somewhat awkward on the weekends when he was home. If the kids had activities, of course they both attended. They even made small talk. On the days when Peter wanted to hang out in the house, Elizabeth took to going out. She didn't want to spend much money. She was still trying to squirrel away as much as possible, although Peter had been generous thus far. With some new-found free time on her hands, Elizabeth had decided she would tackle something that had always been dangling just outside her conscious desire—writing a play. She took to going to a local diner so she could people watch while she sipped her coffee and thought about what to write. If the diner was busy, she would head over to the library and continue her work. She dug out an old yellow legal pad and slowly but surely filled page after page.

  Writing invigorated Elizabeth. Her mind was constantly whirling with ideas for her story, stage directions, how she saw her characters moving, interacting with each other. But as excited as she was about writing, she did not share her secret with anyone. Well, anyone except Jack. There was no one else in her life she felt she could open up to. She hadn't spoken to her mother in the six or seven weeks since the atrocious dinner. Elizabeth was hurt that her mother hadn't reached out to her, but not necessarily surprised. Agnes rode a high horse and had little tolerance for those who couldn't quite pass muster. Elizabeth wasn't sure which of her many infractions had been the last straw for Agnes—the separation, the presumed affair, the failure to be the perfect daughter, the use of vulgar language, or just the audacity of speaking up. Elizabeth was done trying to figure it out. Apparently, Agnes was done as well.

  Elizabeth supposed someday she would tell Peter what she was working on, but for right now, it didn't feel right to tell him. He had been there as she had agonized over declaring a major, encouraging her to go for the "sure thing" of teaching. He, like Agnes, had not seen a future for Elizabeth in the theater. Peter hated the theater, especially musical theater. When they were dating, Elizabeth goaded Peter into promising to take her to at least one show every year. She would not make him sit through more than that. That deal lasted the first two years of their marriage. After that, she could never get Peter to agree to another show. Since she was not courageous enough to go alone, she stopped going to the theater. She doubted he would be any more supportive of this type of career now. But she no longer needed his support. She was going to do this, and do it for her. Whether anyone approved or not.

  She supposed her writing could wait. After all, it had already been waiting for nearly twenty years. But it was very short notice to be able to get a sitter for the kids, especially on a school night. She texted Peter that information. When he responded about asking her mother, she literally wanted to hit something. Sitting in her car, she banged on her steering wheel. Of course, she couldn't really hold Peter too responsible for not knowing about her mother. They didn't talk. He never asked. He never noticed that she was not around, that she never called. That was the crux of the issues with their marriage in the first place.

  She was even more surprised when Peter responded to her text (two in one day!) and asked if they could at least have a family dinner. Elizabeth sighed and put her head back. Here it came. Peter was going to start the full-court press to resume their marriage. That thought filled her with dread.

  Elizabeth sat upright. If anyone had asked her, she probably would have said that she and Peter would reconcile. However, realizing that resuming her marriage filled her with dread, she now knew there was no way she could go back. She drove home, sure of her decision.

  Until she entered the house and saw Peter there. He looked at her expectantly, and reminded her of a puppy dog waiting to be played with. Teddy and Sydney were flanking him on the couch, and they were playing some kind of video game. How could she put an end to this? How could she end her family? And for what reason? Things could be just all right. They could go on. She and Peter could come to some sort of understanding.

  She sighed and turned away. Peter had such a cheerful, expectant look on his face that she didn't want to crush him. She clos
ed her eyes and, in a last ditch effort, prayed for strength. She didn't know what to do. Walking away from Peter would be easier for her but harder for everyone else. Although she was determined to put herself first, when push came to shove, she just could not deny her family like this. Tears welled up and she kept her eyes pressed closed, as if holding back the tears would mean she had no reason to cry.

  Her phone chimed, signaling another text. Out of habit, she looked immediately. It was the text she had been expecting earlier. It was Jack, asking her if she planned on writing tonight. The tears started again, and she choked as she swallowed hard. If she committed to staying with Peter, she knew she would have to cut off all ties with Jack. She also knew that returning to her marriage would be a return to the status quo. Which meant her writing would cease. Her dream would be dead, once and for all. Rather than respond to Jack's text, she simply ignored it. The sound of her kids talking animatedly from the next room registered in the rear of her brain.

  She could do this. She could deny her own happiness, yet again and put her family first. Right?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: October 17, 2012

  "We need to talk."

  Uh-oh. Here it comes. Peter was finally cornering Elizabeth. He would press her for an answer about their marriage. Would she cave and preserve her family at the expense of herself, or would she destroy three other people to serve herself? She wanted to be happy, but would she be able to be happy if she ruined her children's lives? And while she could not say she wanted to stay married to Peter at this point, she wished him no ill will. She wanted them both to be happy.

  "Yeah, I guess we do." Finally, she was able to lift her gaze to meet his. Her hands stilled on the cutting board while she looked at her husband. She could not read his face. It was blank, expressionless. She held his gaze for a moment and then went back to chopping carrots for the kids' lunches. She tried to ignore the shaking in her hands. Confrontation had never been her thing, obviously. Elizabeth was still surprised that she had been able to stand up to her mother. Of course, it cost Elizabeth that relationship, so she still felt guilty about speaking up. Would this cost her another relationship? Could she afford to lose someone else? If she lost Peter, she would be totally alone in the world.