Hold Her Down

by Kathryn R. Biel

  Peter watched her cutting up the vegetables and move seamlessly around the kitchen, packing lunches. It was after 8 p.m., and the kids were in their beds reading. Elizabeth needed to go up and say goodnight. Even when it was Peter's night, Elizabeth always tucked the kids in. She couldn't imagine not being able to do that. If she and Peter divorced, then there would be nights when the kids were with him. How would Sydney ask her what her favorite part of the day was? "Can we talk after I say good-night to the kids?"

  "Will you actually come back downstairs and talk to me?"

  "You know, I've spent years alone, waiting for you to talk to me, Peter. I think it's rich that you finally need to talk to me now."

  Elizabeth didn't wait for a response. She dried her hands on her apron and headed upstairs. First, she went into Sydney's room. Just like every other night, Sydney could not go to sleep without asking, "What was your favorite part of today?" Some days, the answer was obvious. Sydney liked the answer to include her. Elizabeth bent down and kissed her beautiful daughter on the head. "Being able to tuck you and your brother in tonight."

  She went into Teddy's room and lay down on the bed next to him. They talked for a moment or two, discussing the book he was reading. She asked his opinion and listened to what he had to say. Now that he was almost ten, her reaction to him in the next few years would be critical. She could not undermine and undercut his self-confidence. She needed to help him become the strongest person he could be. She needed to be the mother to him that Agnes had not been to her.

  When Elizabeth went back downstairs, Peter was still sitting at the counter where she had left him. Elizabeth re-entered the kitchen and cleaned up the lunch prep stuff. She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine. She poured herself a large glass and finally sat down at the counter, next to Peter. She swiveled her chair so that she was looking at him, but he was still staring ahead. She waited for him to begin.

  Finally, not able to stand the silence any longer, Elizabeth said, somewhat more bitterly than intended, "Well, it's been great talking to you. As always." She started to get up.

  "No, wait, Elizabeth! Don't leave."

  She sank back in her chair and took a long sip of her wine. "I don't know."

  "You don't know what?" He was lost already.

  "I don't know what I want, Peter. I don't know if I still want to be married to you."

  "Oh." He looked crushed and surprised. Like he totally hadn't seen this coming.

  "But I don't know that I'm ready to walk away either."

  "Huh?" Now he was totally confused. That made two of them.

  "I just don't know Peter. I don't know if I want to be married to you. I don't know if I want to end our family. I just don't know what I want. I just know what we've had for the past several years isn't it."

  "Several years? You've been that unhappy for that long?"

  "Peter, two years ago, I seriously contemplated suicide as a way to escape my life."

  "But you never told me that."

  "I shouldn't have had to. But that's a huge part of the issue. You don't see me. You didn't realize that I was miserable in the first place. You didn't stop to think that my behavior, my attitude, my appearance had changed. Because you never think about me." Elizabeth paused. "But that's not what the real issue is. I don't know how you can love me."

  "You know I love you."

  "No, I don't. But I don't know how you can love me when I don't love me. I'm trying to love me, but I'm not there yet. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm here and I'm functioning, but I'm not living. I'm not alive on the inside. I don't know how I can be. I don't know who I am and I need to figure that out."

  "That's ridiculous. You're my wife. You're Teddy and Sydney's mother. You're ..."

  "Stop right there. Tell me first, who are you?"

  Peter again looked confused. After a moment, he said, "I'm an engineer and an avid golfer. I'm an introvert, and I love the Red Sox more than life. I detest the color pink, and I can never have enough pie."

  "See what I mean?"

  "No, I don't." He was befuddled.

  "When you describe yourself, you are talking about you. The things you like; the things you do; the things that describe your personality. When you describe me, it is in terms of my role in other peoples' lives. The kids and you. I'm not described as a person, merely my function."

  "Oh, I never thought about it that way."

  "I can't say I blame you. I never did either. I just knew that I was lost and unhappy, but I didn't know why. I knew that your incessant control of the finances was part of the problem. You were always knit-picking how I did things around here. I felt like I was drowning in the household responsibility and that you were never there to help me."

  "I thought we settled that after Sydney got sick."

  "Which we did, at least for a while. But that wasn't the whole problem. It was more like a small symptom of a larger issue. I don't know who I am anymore. I haven't ever really had the opportunity to figure that out for myself. I never had enough faith in me to go with my gut decision and trust in myself. I think that's why I always need validation from an outside source. I'm not able to stand in my own truth. I doubt every instinct I've ever had."

  "Every one you've ever had? Even me?"

  "Yes, Peter, obviously you. If I didn't doubt whether we should be together or not, we wouldn't be sitting here right now, having this conversation. I don't want to hurt you. I really don't, but I don't know how to explain it without being brutally honest right now."

  "Okay then, just say it."

  "I'm not sure if I married you because I loved you, or if I loved the idea of you. The idea of being married and having someone to take care of me."

  Peter took a deep breath.

  "I'm sorry to say it that way. You have to understand some of my frame of reference though. I spent my whole life hearing that I needed to 'catch a man' so that I had someone to take care of me."

  "Agnes."

  Elizabeth nodded. "My whole life, she controlled me with such tight reigns. I never felt like I learned to think for myself. I thought I would never be able to take care of myself. That my innermost thoughts and instincts were wrong."

  Peter laughed a small, terse chuckle.

  "What's so funny?"

  "Agnes. For someone so controlling, she had it so wrong. You are one of the most capable people I've ever met. You don't need anyone or anything. You just plow through, making the best of what you have, making do with the hand you have. You have everything covered, all the time. You are the consummate caretaker."

  Elizabeth let a slow smile creep across her face. "If you value your life, you won't ever tell her she was wrong."

  Peter returned her smile. "Frankly, she scares me."

  "She scares everyone. T.J. took off across the world and never came back because he's so afraid of her. And then there's my dad—he can't even make eye contact with her. It's like he's a eunuch."

  "Oh, I'm definitely afraid she would remove my testicles if I ever spoke against her."

  "No doubt about it. Since I don't have testicles, she's simply no longer speaking to me. I'm probably dead to her."

  "Why? What happened?"

  "I guess I never told you. When you were with the kids at your parents', I went over for dinner one night. Of course, she immediately starts in on me about getting divorced, what that would do to her, and how that would embarrass her. She not only told me that I needed to beg you to take me back, but also then accused me of having an affair. I had enough. I screamed at her and my dad for never supporting me. She was always too busy being concerned about, God, I don't even know what. Throughout this whole summer, she never once asked if I was all right. She immediately assumed that I had done something wrong to make you leave. She never once considered that you could be at fault. She's never considered me worthy of anything, and I let that define me my whole life. I told her that it was her poor parenting that had made me the colossal failure that I am an
d that I was done with her."

  "Holy cow."

  "Yeah, I even told her to shut up a few times. You know how she interrupts."

  The amused look disappeared from Peter's face. "So you told her that this is my fault?"

  Elizabeth shook her head a little. Of course, he would focus on that. "Well, you left me Peter. The going got a little difficult, and you were outta here. I really needed you to stand by me, hold my hand, and tell me we could get through it. But you didn't."

  "I'm here now."

  "I'm not sure if it's too little, too late. Peter, I will always care for you, but I don't even know if I love you. I'm certainly not in love with you. Right now, I'm trying to learn who I am and to love that person. Still trying to balance being the best mother I can be for the kids, but trying to figure out what makes me feel alive and worthy of love."

  "What do you mean?"

  "I have never felt that I deserved anything worthy. Everything I always thought worthy, I was told over and over again by people in my life—"

  "Agnes."

  "Yes, her, amongst others, that the things I wanted were ridiculous and unreasonable. Certainly unattainable. When you are told that your heart's desire is ridiculous, you start to doubt everything your heart tells you to do. You vacillate, waiting for those around you to sway you to the popular opinion, even when you inherently disagree. That was me for years. Torn between doing what the general public thought was good for me and doing what I thought was good for me. First, where I went to college, and then what I majored in. Becoming a teacher. Marrying you. Joining the PTA and conforming to their ridiculous social pressures. I was paralyzed unless someone told me what to do. How to act. What to think. But that has just blown up in my face, and bitten me in the ass, all at the same time. The people that I worked so hard to please turned on me in the blink of an eye. You turned your back on me and walked away. My mother blamed me for the whole thing and has totally cut me out of her life for standing up to her. It took having all my worst fears completely and totally realized to see that I could come through this. I'm still standing, and I plan to stand on my own from now on."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: January 28, 2013

  Elizabeth held the fancy envelope in her hands, staring in disbelief. Everything was coming full circle. A charity gala. Not unlike the one she had so desperately wanted to attend just over two years ago. Peter's company had purchased a table, and he made the invitation list. And he wanted to bring Elizabeth as his "plus one." God, it was so ironic. Just as Elizabeth had stopped looking to Peter to shower her with this kind of attention, he started doing it. She didn't think he was even aware of it. Just like he honestly still didn't realize his own culpability in the demise of their marriage.

  The failure of their marriage was a combined effort of both Elizabeth and Peter. The divorce, which was currently being processed, was totally her fault. Peter would have gladly reconciled. She was the one who had wanted to end their marriage. She needed to, to help her move forward. That being said, it was not an easy road. It had not been an easy few months, but Elizabeth knew it could have been much, much worse. Peter did not appear that distraught over going their separate ways, although he claimed to be. He was gracious, letting Elizabeth stay in the house. She would eventually look for something smaller in the school zone so the kids would not have to transfer, but he was not pressuring her to move out. It gave her time to transition the kids so she did not have to disrupt their lives any further.

  Peter himself had gotten an apartment not too far away. It was sparsely furnished, and Elizabeth had gladly donated things from the house, furniture and the like, to make it more comfortable for both him and the kids. Elizabeth continued her sequestration budget, trying to save as much money as possible. She was shocked to discover how much money she could save by really using coupons and shopping sales. While it certainly took more time, she used the evenings when Peter had the kids to prepare and plan. She pored over Excel spreadsheets of her budgets, trying to find where she could tighten and save further. Although Peter had been generous with continuing to pay the mortgage for the time being, she would need to finance the next place on her own. She was often relieved that she had improved and expanded her wardrobe over the last two years so that she would not really have to spend money on herself for a while.

  The kids missed Peter, but he had always traveled so much that it was not as big an adjustment as it could have been. When in town, he had them two school nights and every other weekend. He tried not to travel on weekends so that he could see Teddy and Sydney, as well as make it to as many of their functions as possible. Elizabeth missed the children terribly on their weekends with Peter. The first several times they were gone, Elizabeth cried herself to sleep, feeling so lonely and incomplete without them under the same roof. Eventually, she became used to the stillness in the house. She made productive use of her time, clipping coupons and planning her meals. She had refined her system so that she even had time to continue to work on her writing.

  The holidays had gone as well as could be expected. Peter stayed at the house on Christmas Eve so he was there Christmas morning. Elizabeth and Peter were very pleasant to each other. There were no snide remarks or backbiting. There didn't need to be. Although Elizabeth had told Peter that they did not need to exchange gifts, he gave her a subscription to a coffee-of-the-month club that would deliver her K-cups every month. Elizabeth cried when she opened it. It was the type of gesture that, had it been made earlier in their relationship, would have gone a long way to strengthening their bond.

  Elizabeth had even extended an olive branch to her parents. Although they attended Christmas dinner, Agnes spoke only to the children and Peter, never once acknowledging her only daughter.

  And now, Peter was inviting Elizabeth to be his date for a gala for the local heart association. The event was Valentine's Day weekend. Elizabeth still didn't like going out in public that much. People in town still talked, and her behavior was watched with hawk-like scrutiny. Elizabeth never spoke to anyone about the book, and no one dared mention it to her face. Still, some of the more malicious mothers made little effort to hide talking about Elizabeth behind her back. Nancy Beemer was cool but polite to Elizabeth. Not exactly cordial, but they could be in the same room with each other. While Nancy fully realized the book was fiction, Elizabeth was quite certain Nancy still believed Elizabeth had slept with Jack, and that was the reason for her residual frostiness. Elizabeth didn't feel the need to defend herself anymore.

  Some of the other school mothers, Julia included, would make small talk with Elizabeth. Elizabeth did not let it go further than that. She politely, but firmly, shut down further efforts at socialization. She would not, no could not, let herself get sucked into that world again. Plus, every single one of those women had aimed their spiteful little claws at Elizabeth the first chance they got. She did not intend to be their scratching post ever again. The mob mentality would never change. They would do the same thing to the next poor soul who came along, and Elizabeth did not intend to take any part in that either.

  Elizabeth called Peter. "Are you sure you want to take me to this? You hate these things, dinner and dancing and schmoozing."

  "Yeah, I have to go, and I just thought it would be the type of thing you would enjoy."

  "Why do you have to go? I don't see how a benefit fracas ties into engineering."

  "Our company is a corporate sponsor. Plus, our CEO's child has heart problems or something, so it is personal for him. Not going would be shooting myself in the foot."

  "Gotchya. What about the kids?"

  "I, um, asked my mom to come for a visit, and she'll stay with them here."

  "Oh, wow. You've thought of everything."

  "I tried to. I tried to think like you would and cover all the bases. That way, you don't have an excuse to say no."

  Elizabeth was quiet for a moment. She didn't want Peter to think that this would be a step towards reconciliation. She didn't want to lead him
on in any way. She still cared for him and did not want to see him hurt.

  "Elizabeth, why are you so quiet? Why won't you agree to be my date? Are you seeing someone else?"

  "As much as I'd love to get all gussied up and go with you, I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I don't want you to get hurt by this."

  "You didn't answer my question, so I take it you are seeing someone. Is it that Jack guy?"

  Elizabeth sighed. "No, I'm not seeing Jack, nor anyone else. In fact, I've been trying to get Jack to back off."

  There was silence on the line. Elizabeth realized her error. Peter never knew that she had been in contact with Jack. He had been fishing with that comment. He didn't know about the texts and the e-mails. He didn't realize that she had turned to Jack for occasional support when she just couldn't shoulder the weight alone anymore. But Elizabeth knew that she was leading Jack on and was trying to let him know that she was not in any kind of place to be in a relationship.

  "I didn't realize you and Jack had been seeing each other?" He was fishing for more information. Subtle he was not.

  "We're not, Peter. That came out wrong. Jack and I text occasionally. He was trying to be my friend through this very difficult time."

  "Very difficult time? He's the bastard who caused all of this! That damn book with you splayed out for all the world to see—he's what ended our marriage. And now he's your friend?" Peter was livid.

  "Peter, calm down. The book did not end our marriage. The scandal surrounding it may have acted as a catalyst, but the problems were there well before and much after. What I was trying to say is that I don't want to be with anyone right now. I'm still trying to figure me out. And Jack has not been as respectful of that as you have, which makes me appreciate you all the more." Elizabeth tried to soothe his ego. "Yes, Jack and I have communicated, yes. I have not seen him in about six months, and that was only to yell at him about the book. We text and occasionally e-mail. You need to know that I never slept with him. Not twenty years ago, not two years ago, and not since we've been separated."