I Won't Let You Die Angel

by Neal Goldy

“What happened to you back then?”

  “Nothing”

  “Don’t lie, Angel. I could tell something was up. Why do you fear water?”

  I tried to retract from him, but he held me tight and squeezed my shoulders, “Don’t! Come out of your reticence, Janet; talk to me. Don’t keep it buried inside you. It will hollow you.”

  I so wanted to tell him everything, every bit of…… but that wall I built around me was impossible to break. If it cracks now, it will crumble down, and the dam will overflow.

  “Janet??”

  “It’s a long story, and a tragic one. You don’t wanna hear it.”

  “Yes, I do. We’ve all the time...”

  “I don’t even know where to start?”

  “Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

  I sighed resignedly. “I’m adopted.”

  Neil’s mouth hung open. “What???”

  “Yes. Nick and Monika Kanet are not my birth parents. My actual though not so real parents are James and Felicity Bandson.”

  All of a sudden, Neil dropped his hand from my shoulder as if he’d got zapped by a 220 volts current. His face bore the resemblance of the oldest mummy of time. He looked like barf. I touched his bare chest gently.

  “Neil? Do you know them? Do you know my birth parents?”

  Chapter 13

  “Say something Neil?”

  He recovered himself and reinstated his hand on my shoulder, this time holding me more intimately.

  “Go on.”

  “But you reacted as if you knew them.”

  “No, I just thought I heard the name somewhere. Never mind. So, how do you remember them? I mean – uh – are you still in touch with them?”

  “I just know their names. When my parents found me in the Disneyland…” he looked up, surprised.

  “Yeah, the same. When they found me at the entrance whimpering loudly, I had a letter in my pocket addressing whoever was accepting responsibility with a $2000 check.”

  ‘This girl is special, worth anything in the world, but it’s our unfortunate destiny that we can’t indulge her because of the darkness we are engulfed in. Please take care of her with utmost delicacy. Tell her that we’ll always love her.

  - James and Felicity Bandson

  Just like that. They forsook their “worth anything in the world” daughter just like that. And if it wasn’t about money, then why distanced a three-year-old baby from her mother? I never got the answers and never will, and now I don’t even want them. Dad took the check, never used it, just deposited it for my future.

  Sometimes I feel lucky that I have a dad. No one could be a better father than him. He loves me; he loves me so much that he renounced his own blood for me. And I love him; I love him more than anything in the world.

  “That means Storm…..”

  “…. is my step-brother.”

  I paused, but Neil’s silence urged me to proceed.

  “When I was three, he was eight. I was happy to get a brother; I always wanted a brother. I have negligible flashes of memory of my life before that. But sometimes I get a picture of two boys trying to teach a baby girl how to walk.”

  I shrugged and continued, “I always looked up to Sam, but he never regarded me fondly. Time passed by and on my ninth birthday, Sam surprisingly wished me wishes with a broad smile and a hug. I was beyond happy. I was in rapture that my brother was finally accepting me in his life.”

  But I was wrong, terribly wrong…

  No, I couldn’t speak more. The words just wouldn’t come out. Neil massaged my head gently, “You need to unburden yourself, Angel.”

  I aggregated all my inner life-force. “Later that night, he came into my room while I was on the verge of drifting off. I didn’t realize it was he. I thought I was dreaming.”

  Two fingers tucked the strand of my hair that had come loose behind my ears. They traced my temples gently, drifting past my cheek and rubbing my jaw line gently. One hand tugging the hem of my shirt and sliding inside tracing my navel.

  “He….. He tried to touch me in places no one would dare touch his sister. I didn’t like it, but was too young to understand what was happening to me. I shrieked for help, but he thwarted it and threatened me not to tell anyone.”

  Neil stiffened beside me, his fists clenched in fury, and when I looked into his eyes, it was full of revulsion. Then the revulsion transformed into what I guessed was compassion and…. admiration. He willed me to continue through his eyes.

  I blinked several times to clear the tears starting to threaten my eyes. “His immoral endeavors never ceased. My silence only encouraged him. One day, when mom and dad were out for some civil get-together, he cornered me in his room. I had dad’s number on speed-dial and I don’t know what terrestrial force made me call him in haste.

  I fought him, both verbally and physically, but he wouldn’t budge. I guess he was on drugs or something. He was hell bent on having sex and I was an easy prey. It never ever crossed his mind that he was ruining, slandering so many relationships. He had almost raped me when dad smashed open the door of his room. He was sent to a juvenile judge and then to a reform school.

  Mom was devastated by this. She loved me, but still refused to actually believe that her son could do such a shameful thing.”

  Tears were now fearlessly flowing down my cheeks. Neil wiped away my tears and kissed my cheek. I considered stopping here, but now I was too close to retreat. Thus, I continued.

  “After two years, he was out. He came straight to me without even informing anyone. I was poolside enjoying myself. He caught me by surprise and forcefully pushed my head under the water. I gasped for breath and struggled in vain. I maneuvered my hand and found a wine glass within my reach. I grasped it and smashed it on his face. His grasp loosened and I sneaked air inside my now exploding lungs. But before I could escape, he lifted me up and threw me in the water. I sank halfway to the bottom, couldn’t swim, and couldn’t breathe.

  I paddled my legs and arms fruitlessly, I was drowning. I tried to cry for help, no one came; no one heard me.

  I almost drowned, and again due to some miracle, dad saved me. When he finally pumped the excess water out of my stomach and I could process my surroundings, I found my mom leaning over Sam, tending to his head wound.

  He was not that badly injured, and I could have died that day; but all my mom cared about was how Sam was. I didn’t know what happened to Sam after that, dad wouldn’t tell me. But mom and I had already drifted apart. No matter how many times she apologized, I just couldn’t bring myself to actually forgive her. As I said, some wounds just don’t heal.”

  I was now sobbing uncontrollably. Neil pulled me into his lap, and I buried my face in his chest. “These incidents changed something inside me. I engrossed myself in studies and I never tried for a real relationship except once or twice. I just couldn’t give myself completely over to kisses and all. I think something’s wrong with me.”

  Neil pulled away to look me in the eyes. He moved his face closer, our foreheads touching. “No! Nothing’s wrong with you, Angel. Even if it is, I will change it; I will make everything right, everything perfect.”

  Emotions filled me again, but this time it was not grief or hatred or rage or anything like that. It was warm and wonderful and electrifying. His fist was knotting my hair and the other hand was resting on my waist. He slanted his head thirty degrees and leaned closer. I curled my arms around his neck and closed the remaining few inches.

  Our lips met and the bonds of restraints snapped free. At first, it was just a brush of the lips, but soon the kiss consumed both of us. He tasted like rose water and cinnamon. I wound my fingers in his hair, and his right hand was now brushing over my thighs. I could practically hear my hammering heartbeat, or was it his? The kiss was sweet and blissful and soul-consuming at the same time, devoid of darkness and despair.

  We broke apart just to steal some air into our lungs and he kissed me again, this time with more passion. I was d
rowning, not in the pool, not in the river, but in the overwhelming emotions welling inside me, for Neil.

  When we finally broke apart, I was breathing heavily and was now fully aware of my half-naked state. Neil quickly pecked my forehead. “You are the most amazing girl I ever met, Janet. Don’t ever underrate yourself because of petty people.”

  Warmth overwhelmed me, “No one ever said anything like that to me, except for Nicole.”

  “Then everybody around you is an eternal fool. You with your amazing talents can woo the whole world. I bet, on a healthy day, you could beat down more enemies than me, and with grace.”

  I laughed light-heartedly and buried myself in his chest. “Neil”

  “Hmm?”

  “You could have abandoned me there and closed the deal. You could have been far away from here, and now, Majestic won’t spare you.”

  “Yeah”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “But I didn’t.”

  I tightened my arms around him and tried to sleep, murmuring, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”

  Chapter 14

  “What are you up to, Angel?”

  “Can’t you see I’m trying to makeshift a skirt out of the ruins of my lovely dress? What do you think I’m doing?”

  Neil chuckled, “Adding one more achievement to your resume, ‘exotic’ designer.”

  I made a face, “If you can’t help me, don’t mock me at least. You might be comfortable roaming half-naked, but I have my virtue to keep intact.”

  “No, no, go on, reinvent yourself”, he said stifling a laugh.

  “Okay, laugh at me. One day you’ll cry for me.”

  His expression flipped like a common emitter amplifier behaving like a switch. “Let’s get going.”

  I didn’t mean to get him into an all serious mode again. We had a moment, an extremely intimate moment; but both of us were restraining ourselves from talking about it. I guessed I’d have to preserve it for later. For now, we had a hill to climb.

  The countryside was inanimate and quiet. We walked and walked and walked, and not a single ride passed by. A sign signaled that we were in Northern California, in a place called “Malefic doors.” Seriously, what kind of name was that? Phew.

  A red SUV screeched to a stop right in front of us. Due to the inertia of motion, we both skidded a few steps backward. To our huge relief, Carl darted out of the driver’s side. Oh, I’d never been more pleased to see anyone else in the world as I was now seeing Carl.

  Neil opened his mouth to speak, but before he could even utter a syllable, Carl caught him by his collar, “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Have you totally lost it?”

  Neil prudently pried Carl’s hand off his collar and said with an elusive smile, “Hello to you, pal.”

  Carl’s look was sinister. Without a word, he backtracked his steps to the car. I frowned, “I guess that’s our cue to seal our mouths and follow him.”

  A few minutes passed by, and I could do nothing but swing my head from Neil to Carl to Neil.

  “Come on, Carl, don’t be like a pissed-off girlfriend. You can’t live without talking to me.”

  Carl passed a sturdy look, “Try me!”

  Neil pinched his eyebrows. “Dude…”

  Carl interrupted, “It’s not like I could say anything to knock some sense into your cobwebbed brain. You’ll still do what you feel is right, which is actually quite offensive. Do you have any idea what you’ve brought onto yourself or me or dad? You violated the most absolute law of our covenant, and all I get as an answer is that stupid grin.”

  “You guys follow a covenant?” I asked. Carl’s furious eyes reminded me to shut the hell up. Uh oh, preserve your allies, Janet.

  “Dude, you don’t even know the actual story here. Storm was not only doing Majestic’s deeds, but he has a personal grudge against Janet. You can’t even imagine what he would have done with her.”

  “Was it your concern Neil?”

  “Carl, Storm’s Janet’s brother.”

  Carl looked stunned for a second. “What???” and then continued,

  “Did you know that before or after you sabotaged Majestic, and in turn me?”

  “That’s not the point.”

  Carl cracked his knuckles on the steering wheel.

  “After, the brother part I knew before, but the rest, after”, answered Neil truthfully.

  “See! God, Neil, I told you I’d convince Majestic to spare the girl after her work is done. But as usual, you rush into scenarios that prove lethal to us in the end.”

  “Sam would have killed me by then, or worse.” I interceded.

  “Well, you need to separate yourself from your fantasyland princess; everything is just not about you.”

  “Carl, please …” intoned Neil.

  Carl slammed his head on the steering wheel and sighed, “Majestic will never trust me again. And more than that, there’s absolutely no one who’ll help us get out of this mess. We are doomed.”

  Wait! I guess there’s just one person who can actually help us.”

  “Why don’t you just drop us somewhere safe and play dumb about what Neil did? That way you would be safe at least.” I supplied.

  Carl finally looked at me, “Nice of you to suggest that, sugar. But would you abandon Nicole if she does something totally disagreeable, but needs you nevertheless?”

  “No, absolutely not!”

  “Then how can you even venture to think I would back off from this? We are family, Janet, although not blood related. But we don’t abandon our family, no matter what the circumstances.”

  His words echoed in the silence that came after. People don’t abandon their families, even underworld criminals respect that vow. Then how had my own flesh and blood left me alone to deal with this cruel world? How come the only family I have left, figuratively speaking, is my dad?

  Neil’s desperate questioning look landed me back to reality. “Sorry, what?”

  Carl laughed, “Nothing princess, Neil’s just concerned you stopped talking for a whole ten minutes. You know, that’s kind of a new trait, and no theories out of your meticulous brain, now that’s gauche.”

  Neil just rolled his eyes. I clamped my mouth shut, not wanting to engage in any kind of argument.

  We stopped at a diner to fulfill our hunger and, of course, washroom needs. Carl had somehow managed to arrange for decent clothes for us. I looked in the mirror: my eyes were swollen a little, hair disheveled, oversized shirt, and weird skirt alias dress. I looked like a little cute zombie. I wondered how Neil managed to look at “this” me and admire it. I recalled the kiss and a pleasant bliss flowed through my veins. The way he held me, kissed me, everything was so, so amazing. Is this how it feels when you find someone special? Someone who…

  A loud bang on the door disrupted my train of thought. “Sugar, how long does it take you to just freshen up? I’m not getting any younger here.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter, Carl. Go away!” I shouted from inside.

  “Yes, you do. Now hurry up.”

  Huh…. I finished cleaning up and dutifully let Carl lead us to our table to await lunch. The whole zoo was doing hip-hop in my stomach. I don’t even remember the last time I ate.

  I took a peek at Neil; he was unusually silent.

  Carl felt that something fishy and tried to start a conversation, eventually landing on the most out-of-range topic. “So, you eloped last evening, what were you two doing the whole night?”

  I was about to answer something smart, when Neil said, “Nothing. What do you think we were doing?”

  Carl cleared his throat slightly, “Well, I don’t know, torn clothes, disheveled condition, blah, blah, that give much of an insight?”

  I gaped at him, “Here I was, dying of hypothermia and shock-o-phobia, and all you care about is torn appearances. Great!”

  Carl considered a retort, but decided otherwise. “So, what are we eating? I bet you’d be starving.”
/>   I literally attacked the buffet. I ate everything, regardless of taste. Carl kept whimpering at me. “You know, for a little thing, you digest a lot.”

  “I digest a lot of pesky people too, e.g., you.” I taunted slyly.

  And our conversation went on and on, Carl asked me annoying questions and I continued giving smart-ass answers. But what was bothering me big time was Neil’s fickle behavior. He was here, but actually not here.

  “Carl, I need to talk to you,” said Neil after a long stretched silence.

  Carl took a bite of the cheese pizza he was holding, “So, talk.”

  Neil stifled rolling his eyes, “Alone.”

  This time Carl actually glanced at him. Something in Neil’s expression demanded an immediate audience without any argument. Neil abandoned his chair and walked towards the mini-bar. Carl shot me a questioning look. I shrugged a “whatever”.

  The two guys ordered drinks and all I could enjoy doing was eating more pizza and sipping more cappuccino. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, but from here it looked like Neil was about to drop some dreadful discovery.

  A moment ago, Carl was all cheery tense, but normal and seconds later he looked like he had seen the ghost of his long-dead enemy. The wine glass slipped out of his hand and smashed to the floor with a loud bang. All around, everybody looked in their direction, but Carl was looking into oblivion. He looked literally pissed-off, remorseful, sad, annoyed, and tearful all at once. He hid his face with his palms and shouted as loud as possible, “NO”.

  Chapter 15

  “Where are we going?” I asked the fifth time in five hours and got silence as answer ditto the four other times. “Okay, at least say something, you two, you’re acting like Jack and Cody. Okay! Not-so Jack and Cody.

  It’s been five hours and all my poor ears are getting is Lady Gaga over and over again.”

  Silence….

  I slammed my head back. God, this is so annoying.

  We stopped at a motel-cum-diner for dinner.

  “Tell me again why we’re not booking any rooms here? It’s not like we could spend the night eating. I doubt that you can, and I know that certainly I can’t digest that much.”