“It was nice meeting you, Addie. And, Collin, please call us if you need anything at all.”
Then they left like a storm, the aftereffects almost worse than the actual moment it all happened.
Addie turned to me, her lips pursed, more pissed than I’d ever seen her. And it scared the hell out of me. “I’ll meet you in the truck.”
* * *
Addison
The entire ride back to Collin’s house was undoubtedly the worst moments of our relationship thus far. He was scary silent, other than the first few minutes when he’d begged for me to look at him, talk to him, hold his hand. To get him to relax, I did interlock our fingers, but I wasn’t ready to forgive his behavior in the restaurant, not that he even apologized.
After that, he’d completely shut down on me, to the point that my stomach burned with uneasiness. There was one thing Collin struggled to do, and that was step down when told. If I hadn’t feared that he might go off the deep end, I would’ve asked him to take me back to my apartment for the night. I might have loved him, but the way he pushed things to the extreme was exhausting. And there was no way I would ever let him treat me the way my father treated my mother.
And then there was the whole subject of marriage. How could he do that? Say what he had in front of his dead ex’s parents—parents who were obviously still in mourning? I had no doubt he felt he was saying the truth, but Collin had issues when it came to using a filter for his words. Soon, I’d approach the subject of his assumption, that I would marry him within the next year. But tonight wasn’t the time, at least not for me.
The lights were on in living room when we got to his place. Lia was sitting on one end of the couch, a bowl of popcorn in her lap, and Max was on the other, looking like he was seconds away from snoring. I barely acknowledged them before I headed straight back to check on Chloe in her crib.
Curled up on her side with a thumb in her mouth, she looked like the princess I always knew she was. Even with the feelings stirring inside me, I couldn’t help but grin when I looked down at her. Chloe was the reason the reason I’d wanted this job in the first place—her father was the reason I stayed. I needed to remind myself of that, even though he didn’t always handle himself the way he should—like tonight.
Not wanting to wake her, I slipped from the room, fingers wrapped around the door handle as I pulled it shut with a quiet click. What-if thoughts ran through my mind as I made my way down the hall to Collin’s room. Had Amy not died, would she and Collin and Chloe be where we were now? My throat burned at the thought, the possibility too much to take in.
Refusing to go there right now, I turned the corner to Collin’s room and froze at what I saw. Sitting on the edge of the bed, face in his hands, he looked more broken than any man should. A little of my anger slipped away at the view, my shoulders falling at the same time. But I still couldn’t forget his behavior tonight like I wished I could. He’d acted like an idiot, embarrassing himself and me. Part of me realized that some of it was my fault he’d gone off like he did—me dropping the bomb about my interview. So I was going to woman up and apologize for it, even though he owed me an apology just as much.
Silently, I settled my purse on his dresser and slipped my heels off, kicking them to the side. I could feel his gaze trailing over my legs, my body too, but I wouldn’t let his seduction mess with me when things needed to be said. Very important things.
“We need to talk, Collin.” I sat down on the bed next to him, my hands fidgeting against my lap. For once, he didn’t try to interrupt or touch me. Instead he just sat there, quiet, listening. “I should have told you about my interview. It wasn’t right of me to spring it on you the way I did—and in front of Suzie and Alexander at that.”
I waited, thinking he’d turn to me, give an excuse, tell me off, or even kiss me to shut my mouth. But he barely moved.
Clearing my throat, I kept going. “I got the call the Friday before we went to O’Paddy’s. I wasn’t…expecting it. I’d applied there before I even met you, before you hired me, thinking I didn’t have a chance all along.” I rubbed a hand over my forehead. “I was going to tell you, but—”
“It’s fine.”
I frowned and looked at his profile. His jaw ticked, the first sign of emotion I’d seen from him in an hour.
“It’s not fine. I didn’t tell you, and then I wound up blurting it out in front of your dead girlfriend’s par—”
“I said it’s fine.” He pulled his knee up on the bed and turned to face me.
“If it’s so fine, then why are you looking at me like I killed your puppy?”
One side of his mouth tipped up. “I don’t have a puppy.”
I groaned. “That’s not the point.”
“Tell me what the point is then, huh? That you wanted a new job but didn’t have the guts to tell me? That working for me—being with me—was only temporary?”
“I… What? That’s what you think? I told you I applied for that job before I met you. What part of that don’t you understand? You’re twisting around everything I’ve told you, and it’s not fair.”
He scrubbed his hand up and down his face until he finally let out a heavy sigh. “I’m not stupid, Addie. I know that you have bigger plans than just being my daughter’s nanny for the rest of your life. That being with me is a stepping-stone to more. I just didn’t think it’d be happening already.”
“No. Just stop right there.” I grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands to my neck, needing him to touch me, to remind him that I was real, not just some figment of his overexaggerating imagination. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He moved closer, bringing his forehead to mine—a Collin move that I recognized as pure desperation. “I don’t wanna talk anymore.” His eyes shut. “Not tonight.” Moving in to kiss me, he paused, less than a breath separating our mouths. “Just wanna forget tonight ever happened and wake up with you in my arms.”
“We can’t avoid talking.” I shut my eyes at the feel of his lips as they moved to touch the corner of mine. The sensation nearly overrode my emotions, my frustration. And he was doing it on purpose. But somehow I managed to push past it. “Collin, wait. Sex and orgasms won’t fix this.”
He froze. “Addie, please…”
“I’m here to stay—for as long as you want me around. If I take another job, it’s not because I’m done with you or Chloe. It’s because I want to do more in life than just stay home and pop out babies. Not that there’s anything wrong with staying home and popping out babies. Because honestly, there isn’t. It’s just not for me.” I was rambling. Again. But that didn’t faze him like it usually did, which should have spooked me but didn’t because I was also on a roll.
“Tonight was pretty damn awful. I felt like an idiot trying to prove myself to those two people. And you…you just spouted off bullshit about forever and insurance, a-and—”
“Why?” He finally spoke, pulling back to look me in the eyes at the same time. I could see the pain in his blue eyes, the stab of my angry words having pushed him to a point I’d never seen. Not just sadness and desperation. But fear too. I’d never seen Collin—the big, bad, tough marine—look scared in all the time I’d known him.
“Why?” I softened my voice, for him and me both. There was no point in getting all worked up when it might not lead us anywhere. “You really have to ask me that?”
He nodded, just once.
“To them, I’m Amy’s replacement, and if I don’t live up to their standards…”
His breath fanned over my lips as he exhaled. “You’re amazing, Addison Booker. And I don’t care what anyone else says, especially not Suzie and Alexander.”
I winced, wishing I felt the same way he did. With Amy’s parents around, I felt like I had to prove myself—fill the shoes of a ghost, which was nearly impossible. Collin had insisted that he’d never loved Amy the way he love
d me, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I might not be enough. Not necessarily for him, but for his daughter.
“I’ll never be her, Collin.” I looked down at my lap, the sting of tears burning my eyes.
A finger pressed under my chin, lifting my head. “Good. Because I don’t want anyone but you.”
He pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. Still wearing my dress, I lay against his chest as we settled our heads on the same pillow. It was more intimate than a kiss, a touch, or a caress could ever be, but it did nothing to curb the anxiety fluttering through my chest.
Chapter 37
Collin
On Christmas morning, I woke with Addie in my arms—spooned against my chest—and to the sound of Chloe babbling over the baby monitor.
Later in the day, Gavin came over for dinner. Lia too.
Addie and I cooked for the five of us, since Max was out of town with his family in Tennessee, and Lia and my parents were in Arizona until April. We didn’t make a big hoopla out of things, but I’d wanted to make this day as nice as I could for Chloe, since this was her first Christmas.
Plus, today was the day I planned to make up for every mistake I’d made with Addison so far.
Between last-minute shopping, my job, and Addie hanging out with McKenna, the two of us hadn’t been spending a lot of time together, and it bugged the hell out of me. I’d been a dick the night we’d gone to dinner with Alexander and Suzie, but I couldn’t figure out how the hell I was gonna apologize without sounding like a whiny loser. Unlike me, Addie had apologized the second she’d gotten me alone that night, even though she didn’t have anything to really be sorry for, unlike me. But even as she’d said the words, I knew I didn’t have a clue how to say them back the way I needed to, to express how fucking sorry I really was.
She didn’t complain when I pushed her to forget about things for the night. Nor did she complain the four times I’d made her come. But I felt her resistance, felt the way she closed herself off after every orgasm and moan of my name from her lips.
Bottom line? I knew she needed the I’m sorry, but I didn’t have it in me. At least not then.
But I did now.
“She’s eleven months old, yet she has more crap than I do.” Lia picked up Chloe from the floor and planted her on her hip, staring down at the piles of wrapping paper flung all over the place from the day.
“She’s a beautiful, spoiled princess.” Gavin yawned as he stretched his hands over his head. “She deserves the world.”
“You think?” Lia kicked him in the shin with a toe, grinning.
At my side, snuggled up with a cup of hot chocolate and some sort of Philippine dessert, the one with the duck eggs, Addie looked at my friends, contentment in her dark gaze. Damn, she was beautiful. That long, thick hair of hers was done up in a braid hanging down one side of her neck. I twisted my hand at the end of it, tugging it lightly to get her eyes on me.
She smiled.
“Thank you. Today was incredible.” I swallowed, overcome by her beautiful eyes as they sparkled my way—for me.
“Thank you for giving me the first sense of family I’ve had in a long time.” She pressed her nose to mine, kissing my lips.
Taken aback by the love I felt for this woman, I leaned over and kissed her bare shoulder when she looked away. The big, poofy sweater she wore kept falling off her shoulders.
“You ready to open your present?” I asked.
She bit her lip, and I jumped up from the floor, heading toward the Christmas tree across the room and not waiting for her answer.
Chloe was back on the floor, crawling toward the tree, while Gavin slipped into the kitchen. My guess was for another beer. I’d not taken a drink today and didn’t figure it was a good idea for what I had planned for Addie and me later tonight when everyone had gone home and Beaner was asleep. Part two of her gift from me.
At least five long orgasms.
“First, she’s gotta open mine.” Lia rubbed her hands together and dove toward the tree in front of me, producing a huge-ass box in the process. She shoved it against Addie’s chest, smiling wider than I’d seen in weeks. My sister was so up and down lately, crying and closed off one minute, ass-kicker mode the next. A lot of it had to do with the fact that she’d been seeing a new psychologist—dealing with the bad crap from her college years. Luckily, today had been one of her better, calmer days.
“Fine. As long as she opens mine next.” I turned and winked at Addie.
She batted her lashes as she glanced at me from her spot on the floor. The quiet excitement in her eyes had my gut going hard. Loved all things happy Addison almost as much as I loved all things spent and well-loved Addison.
“Fine, fine, whatever. Just open mine already.” Lia jumped up and down when she stepped in front of Addie. Gavin came back into the room, a beer in one hand and a piece of leftover ham in the other.
“Oh jeez, Lia. I can’t believe you got these. They’re too expensive.” From the giant box, Addie pulled out a pair of boots, all leather and brown, with fuzzy stuff on the inside. She hugged them close, like they were her best friends.
“They were on sale. Figured they’d be awesome for when you start teaching next year. Not only will they keep your feet warm and fuzzy, but they are comfy too.”
My chest grew hot, but somehow I managed not to flinch. Had she talked to my sister about this job too? She’d had no problem blurting it out in front of Amy’s parents either. And, yeah, sure, she’d tried to talk to me about it, but that was after the fact. Wasn’t gonna let it get to me though. Not tonight.
“Thank you so much.” Addie hugged Lia with one arm, then stuffed the boots back into the box, reaching down to grab my small, square box sitting on her lap.
Not having a lot of time to think, I watched as she ripped it open, that same excitement still in her eyes.
“Hope you like it.”
She buried her hands in the piles of tissue paper I’d used, grin still wide.
Silently, I watched as she pulled out the small key chain plated in silver. Tiny diamonds made up her initials in the center, and I studied her face as she flipped it over to read the engraving.
“‘What’s mine is yours,’” she read out loud, eyebrows pushed together in what looked like confusion.
I crouched down next to her, leaning forward to kiss her lips. “I’m so sorry for being a dick. I love you. Want you to be with me and Chloe all the time.” I swallowed. “Move in with us.” I whispered the last four words, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. “Please.”
Her smile fell. “Collin…”
“Idiot,” Lia mumbled. I glared at her from around Addie’s shoulder, willing her to shut her mouth. Instead, she got up and grabbed her phone off the dining room table, burying her face in it.
My sister had told me to leave it be, that when Addie was ready for more, she’d tell me and make the next move. But I couldn’t wait anymore. Not only did I want her because I loved her, but also because I secretly needed the reassurance that she wasn’t going anywhere.
I knew I was a crazy bastard, but that didn’t stop the insecurities running through my head. Even if she did decide to take a new job, I had to know that the two of us were solid. After the night we’d gone out with Amy’s parents, I felt like I was grasping at straws to hold on to her. And it scared me shitless. Yeah, things between us had happened fast, but when you know…you just. Fucking. Know.
Least that’s how it was with me.
“It’s really gorgeous, Collin, but…”
My throat burned when I swallowed. Even when she turned to look at me, I knew I had my answer already. And yeah, it hurt like I’d been beaten in the chest with a hammer.
Not wanting to wait another second, I tugged her onto my lap. “Not a marriage proposal, sweetheart.”
She sighed and wr
apped her arms around my neck. Killed me to say what I did next, but at the same time, scaring her away would hurt me more in the end. “Just wanted you to know that the option is there whenever you’re ready.” But that was a lie, because what I really wanted from her was a yes, or even a hell yes.
“You sure you’re okay if I take more time to think it over? I mean, I just caught up on my rent. I feel like I should, I don’t know, do it for a little while longer to prove I can actually manage taking care of myself.” She bit her lip.
I pressed my hands against her cheeks and lowered my forehead to hers. Not just because I wanted to kiss her, but because I didn’t want her to see me breaking. “I’m sure.”
Then she kissed me, tangling her hands in my hair. I kissed her back, trying to convince myself that she wasn’t saying no for forever.
“Hey, you two.” Gavin whipped a blanket over our heads. “Knock that shit off.”
Addie smiled against my mouth between kisses, then whispered, “It’s still Christmas, and I really wanna give you your present, but I can’t ’til they’re all gone and Chloe’s asleep.”
Didn’t matter that my heart was nearly breaking in my chest, my cock was already up and ready, telling my emotions to piss off.
“Let’s make it happen, then.”
A little hand grabbed my knee from over the top of the blanket. I kissed Addie between the eyes before I yanked the blanket off our heads and said, “Boo.”
Chloe giggled, and I reached down to tickle her waist before plopping her at my side. Right away, she laid her cheek on the blanket that’d been piled up on my calf, yawning and content as she stared at the Christmas lights. I reached down to run my fingers through her curls, finding my girlfriend’s hand already doing the same thing. Instead of stopping, I helped—my hand on Addie’s as we moved in sync over my baby girl’s soft head. These were the moments I wanted every day for the rest of my life.
Lia plopped down on the chair to our left, and Gavin sprawled out on the couch and shut his eyes.
Reckless Hearts Series, Book 1 Page 26