American Freak Show

by Willie Geist

  Couple other things you should know: I had a pool installed at the White House to “help with my back.” And by “help with my back” I mean “bang my secretary.” Great spot to bring broads if you’re into that kind of thing. Also, just for the historical record: my wife is not a dyke. I’ve heard the whispers. She’s just a little homely. Explains the need for the swimming pool.

  Well, off to Warm Springs soon with the secretary for a little extramarital sex and planning for the next 12 years of my presidency. Thinking about turning Japan into a horrific moonscape with these little doozies I’ve got a Jewish fella named Oppenheimer whippin’ up for me. More on that when we get back.

  p.s.—Not sure how I show up in photographs, but I am literally paralyzed. No one even knows that. So not only did I save the world, I did it without the ability to walk or stand. Pretty sure Stinkin’ Lincoln didn’t do that.

  HARRY S. TRUMAN

  MAY 8, 1945

  Not saying it’s all my doing, but is it a coincidence that I take over the presidency and four weeks later Hitler offs himself and the Nazis surrender? I’m just sayin’. Now, on to those sneaky little Japs. I’m gonna fuck them up real good. We’ve got something big cookin’. Get your popcorn ready. . . .

  AUGUST 6, 1945

  Just nuked the Japs. And if they keep talking shit, they’re gonna get another one. I’m not even fucking around right now.

  AUGUST 9, 1945

  That’s what happens when you talk shit, motherfucker! That’s what happens! Just nuked Nagasaki. Maybe you should have thought through that Pearl Harbor thing and realized who you were fucking with. You were fucking with Harry S. Truman—the “S” stands for “Smoke my hog, you dirty little Japs!” OK, I think I’ve made my point. I’m done with the nukes. Well, maybe just one more . . . (JK!)

  NOVEMBER 3, 1948

  “Dewey Defeats Truman!” Good for Dewey! Oh no, wait. I’m just getting an update from the news desk—the new headline, “Dewey Sucks Truman’s Balls!” Yep, I just won another term. Four more years of running shit. I’m thinking about nuking Korea. Also, coming out with a line of “The Buck Stops Here” merch. People dig that one.

  DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER

  JUNE 30, 1959

  Winding down my run here. It went pretty well, I think. Honestly, I could have emptied the prisons and ordered the mass execution of puppies and it wouldn’t matter. Once you have D-Day in your back pocket, you’ve got a pass for life. People are like, “Mr. President, why aren’t you doing more on civil rights” and I shoot right back, “I’m sorry, I’m still a little tired from DEFEATING THE NAZIS!” That’s the ultimate zinger!

  My advice for the next guy? Keep an eye on those Commies! And if you need me, just call 1-800-LOSE-THE-NUMBER. I’ll be playing golf and watching cartoons on the new TV thing. Figure it out on your own.

  JOHN F. KENNEDY

  OCTOBER 30, 1962

  Well, that sucked. Eisenhower was NOT kidding about the Commies. Fuckers almost just launched missiles at us from Cuba. Jesus. Bobby sweet-talked ’em out of it, thank God. I haven’t seen him that persuasive since the time he convinced those twins into a four-way in Palm Beach! I swear he almost had Khrushchev’s pants off by the end of it.

  Also, gotta give FDR a posthumous shout-out for putting that pool in. Wow, am I slaying ass in that thing. And not just the layup secretary ass. I’m flaunting internationally famous movie stars inside the White House. I’m not going to mention any names, but the one broad I’m nailing right now has not left me with a “Seven Year Itch,” thank goodness ;). OK, it’s Marilyn Monroe.

  Two things for the next guy:

  1. Stay the hell away from any place with the words “Bay” and “Pigs” in it.

  2. I installed a secret tunnel under the East Wing that’s good for escaping nuclear attack and smuggling whores. It’s all yours.

  LYNDON B. JOHNSON

  NOVEMBER 23, 1963

  Thanks, Lee Harvey, you little shit. Now I’m president and all the wackos are gonna blame me, the Cubans, the mob, the CIA, space aliens, and everybody else. I did not have a central planning role. I only authorized it.

  APRIL 1, 1968

  I’m not much for writing in these queer journals, but I did just announce I’m not running for reelection. Should have quit while I was ahead on civil rights. I really fucked up this Vietnam thing. Who knew those little slopes could fight like that? I’m sure it’ll be over soon and we’ll learn our lesson forever about preemptive war. Not my problem anymore though. I’m outta here. Peace!

  RICHARD M. NIXON

  APRIL 17, 1973

  I don’t know why this book is here. I ordered all printed materials shredded and incinerated months ago. Just coverin’ the ol’ bases until this silly Watergate thing blows over. Can you believe all the hullabaloo? Those pranksters were just having some fun with the Democrats—a little gag among friends. “Break-in” has such a negative, criminal connotation. The Washington Post has a big hard-on for the story, but luckily no one else gives a shit. You really think they’re gonna turn over the country to Jerry Ford? Jesus Christ. That guy can’t make it down a flight of stairs without falling on his face. You make that clown president and the Soviet tanks will be in Times Square by sundown.

  I just thank God no one knows about my secret tape recording system in this joint! I just figured it would be cool to have everything on tape for posterity. I’ll probably make a cool mix tape of my “greatest hits” after I leave office as a national hero.

  AUGUST 8, 1974

  I have to resign over this bullshit? It’s a goddamned attempted burglary, people! Did I jaywalk, too? Did I chew with my mouth full? Jesus Christ. Am I crazy here, guys? Tell me if I’m crazy. You’d think I was Mussolini the way they ran me out of office for a bunch of guys who aren’t me breaking into an office. You want to blame me for the Lindbergh kidnapping, too? What am I missing?

  Let’s see the big fuckin’ picture here, you assholes. I chilled China the fuck out and got us out of Vietnam and I’m leaving office in disgrace because a couple of copyboys at The Washington Post decided a chickenshit burglary is a national story? I give up. This country is going to hell. You goddamned people don’t deserve me. Have fun with Jerry.

  GERALD R. FORD

  AUGUST 10, 1974

  Are you serious?! Are . . . you . . . serious?! A year ago I was arguing on the House floor to get funding for a new children’s wing at the Grand Rapids Library and now I’m PRESIDENT?! President of the United States! Holy Christ! The Agnew thing was bad enough. This is a disaster, you guys. A few years back, LBJ said I was so dumb I “couldn’t fart and chew gum at the same time.” He’s right! That is literally true. I’ve tried. I’ve got the chewing gum down and I’ve got the farts coming fast and furious, but just can’t put the whole thing together.

  How can I make sure this president thing doesn’t last very long? I know! I’ll pardon Nixon! Pretend none of that crap ever happened. I need to go write that down. Let’s just hope the Democrats come up with a strong, impressive candidate and not some goober peanut farmer.

  JIMMY CARTER

  JULY 28, 1980

  What do you want from me? Do you want me to just say it? OK, I suck. There you go. You happy? I’m a horrible, horrible president. I can’t decide which part of my presidency I’m more proud of: the hostages in Iran, the lines at gas stations, or the fact that I was attacked by a “killer rabbit” while I was on vacation in Plains. Jesus, that was an embarrassing four years. Hey, at least I kept the temperature low in the White House, right? To the next guy: just don’t do stupid shit like that and you’ll look brilliant by comparison. Nowhere to go but up after this disaster. “Malaise” was an understatement. You would almost need a movie star, like a borderline fictional character, to ride in on a horse at this point to rescue the country from my presidency. Again, I’m terribly sorry.

  RONALD REAGAN

  APRIL 7, 1981

  Wow, was it something I said? Some joker took a
shot at me last week. And I thought working with Bette Davis was tough! This job seems like a pain in the ass already.

  JUNE 12, 1987

  Kind of a light day today, other than the part where I brought about the end of the Cold War! Oh, man, you should have heard the line I got off at the Berlin Wall. Ready? “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” My best work since the underrated Cattle Queen of Montana—Barbara Stanwyck at her very best. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, I ended the Cold War today. Game over.

  AUGUST 11, 1988

  The last eight years have been such a whirlwind I can hardly remember them. It’s hard to choose just a small handful of my proudest achievements. I guess I’d say beating the Japs, giving women the vote, and freeing the slaves. Not a bad legacy when you see it all in front of you like that.

  To my successor, whoever that may be, I offer you one solemn challenge. It’s an undertaking that will seem to some impossible, even foolhardy. It may exceed the present bounds of human imagination. But I believe it to be our mission as presidents to always push the limits of possibility. That is why I declare to you here and now, in no uncertain terms, that we must put a man on the moon by the end of your presidency. The sky, my dear friend, shall no longer be the limit for this great country.

  All best, Ronnie

  GEORGE H. W. BUSH

  JANUARY 4, 1993

  My advice? Don’t tell anybody to read your lips about anything. Sweet fancy Moses! It turns out people remember a line like that. On the upside, I took care of Iraq over a long weekend, so we won’t have to deal with that cesspool ever again. Just cross it right off the list, my friends.

  Despite that victory and the awesome “Thousand Points of Light” thing I came up with, America decided it wanted some hillbilly from Arkansas to run the country. So it’s one term and out for ol’ George Bush. You’ve seen the last of my family. There will be no more Bush. Good luck to all of you.

  p.s.—George W., if you’re reading this book, we talked about this—you were not to run for president. Call me as soon as you get this message. You are in big trouble, young man.

  WILLIAM J. CLINTON

  NOVEMBER 13, 2000

  A little advice here from a two-term president many are already calling “the Greatest to Ever Live, Including Lincoln and FDR.” That is a direct quote I heard recently at a dinner party held in my honor. I’ve also been called “the First Black President.” I’m awfully proud of that because obviously there won’t be an actual black president anytime soon. Can you imagine?

  So here are three lessons I’ve learned in my historic 8 years in office that I hope will help you as you try to escape the long shadow of my legacy.

  1. Don’t pick the fat ones. They’re desperate and they’ve got nothing to lose. You want a gal with a lot on the line. A married woman with kids is the way to go—if she squeals, she gets herself into trouble, too. It’s counterintuitive, I know, but trust me. I’ve done the research.

  2. If you’re going to introduce a foreign object—a cigar, for example—don’t use the good stuff. I wasted a hundred-dollar Cuban and you know what I got in return? Articles of impeachment. NOT worth it.

  3. Nothing against group sex (obviously), but if you’re going to have an orgy in the White House do it anywhere but the China Room. Panetta and I were in there with a bunch of sweeties from the Greek embassy one night and we smashed up a bunch of Lady Bird Johnson’s stuff. That ruffled some feathers. Try the Blue Room.

  And one favor to ask the next president: Please screw up so horribly over the course of your administration that you not only enhance my presidency in hindsight, but also make my wife’s inevitable run for the presidency an easy one. As long as you suck, we’ve got a cakewalk to the White House and she’ll get off my ass. Thanks in advance. I owe ya one!

  GEORGE W. BUSH

  DECEMBER 29, 2008

  Yo, Barack! How’s it hangin’, my man? Pumped for you being the first black guy to be president. Good stuff. Don’t tell that cranky old coot McCain, but I was rooting for you the whole time. You remind me of a guy by the name of Ruben Sierra who used to play for the Texas Rangers when I owned the team in that you are also a black guy. Do you know Ruben?

  By the way, any way you can start early? I’m in a celebrity golf tournament in Dallas early next month. Would love to get out of here ASAP. Boxes are packed. Just sitting here watching bowl games. Let me know.

  Well, I’m not gonna leave you with a whole lot of advice—you seem like a smart cat. Just a few things before I leave.

  1. You do NOT have to wait in line for movies. One Sunday afternoon I walked over to the AMC Loews Theater on Connecticut Ave. there and waited an hour to see Torque (that movie with Ice Cube and the kick-ass motorcycles) before the Secret Service tracked me down. There’s an entire theater in the White House! No lines and free Sour Patch Kids! How sweet is that?

  2. Not that you have to worry about it anymore, but just an FYI that Saddam Hussein is a liar. I called him in a funny voice I use whenever I prank call a radio station and asked him if he had weapons of mass destruction. He laughed one of those evil villain laughs and said, “Of course I do!” Bam! I had him nailed—and I told him as much on the phone that day. So we went into Iraq and, well, you know the rest. Point being, don’t rely only on your funny prank call voice to gather intelligence.

  3. This is the big one, but don’t say where you heard it. He’s gonna be so pissed if he finds out I told you this, but what the hell: Cheney’s the real president! Surprise! I pretty much just congratulated sports teams when they came to the White House and tended to the rose garden while Cheney ran the show. You believe that shit?

  Later, Barry! Look me up if you’re ever in Texas (I have sick courtside Mavs tickets).

  President Obama closes the leather book. As he goes to turn out the light and walk back up to bed, he hears a whistle that echoes up the dumbwaiter shaft. It’s Cheney. “Hey, Barack-Attack! You still up there, Chief?” Before the president can answer, Cheney shouts again. “If you are, I’m gonna go ahead and order an air strike on Iran. I’m bored as shit down here. Just a little heads-up for the prez. Oh, and could you chuck some ranch dressing down the chute? Thanks, Obama-Rama!”

  Chapter 6

  Cable News Cool: The Hip-Hop Glossary

  Author’s note: Some say the mainstream media is stodgy and out of touch. I say, here’s the proof. The following is based loosely on an actual memo distributed widely at a major news organization. I’ve added several terms and some color for effect. I also have changed the news outlet’s name to protect it from the public humiliation it probably deserves. I may need a job there someday. I also should point out that the original e-mail was sent out several years before the election of Barack Obama. I added that completely misleading context to make the whole thing even worse.

  For the record, the memo did not come from my current employer. We’re incredibly hip at NBC. Just ask Willard Scott.

  ----Original Message----

  From: The Front Office

  To: BNO (Big News Organization) Staff

  Subject: Get So Fabulous—A Hip-Hop Glossary

  Team,

  With the election of Barack Obama as president, we as a news organization need to be mindful of the rise of African-American culture in general. It is incumbent upon us to speak the language of the country—even if it is frightening and confusing. That’s why we have assembled this “Get So Fabulous Hip-Hop Glossary” for your reference.

  Please use this as a guide to help all you homeys and honeys add a new flava to your scripts and on-screen graphics. It is critically important to note here that regardless of what you may hear in popular music, it is never appropriate to use the n-word casually. That’s a big no-no these days. Otherwise, have at it. Or, as they say in the community, “Handle ya bizness, playa!”

  Thanks,

  The Front Office

  all that (adj): Possessing a wealth of positive attributes. Often used in conjunction with
a popular snack food: She’s all that and a bag of chips!

  around the way (n): Connoting one who is down to earth and understands local etiquette and customs, as in an “around the way girl” (in contrast with a “ho”).

  Audi 5000 (interj): Phrase one uses as one departs: I’m outta here, I’m Audi 5000! Unrelated to ownership of, or travel in, the popular Audi sedan of the same name.

  baby mama (n): The mother of one’s child, typically used to describe an unmarried parent. As you know, out-of-wedlock birth is a big problem for these folks, so let’s be sensitive there.

  baller (n): Ballplayer, though often used to denote one who has garnered a reputation for success (legitimate or criminal). Includes a connotation of success with the fairer sex (sometimes referred to as “bitches,” “hos,” or “tricks”).

  bank (n): Money. This is a tough one because it doesn’t mean the place where the money is stored. It’s just the money itself. I know, that makes no sense. Don’t shoot the messenger. Keep an open mind. [See also cheese, cheddar, benjamins, and dead presidents.]

  benjamins (n): Money, specifically $100 bills, as in P. Diddy’s “It’s All About the Benjamins.” You see, Benjamin Franklin’s face appears on a $100 bill.

  bling (n): Jewelry, especially the large gold, platinum, and diamond rings and pendants favored by those sporting the “ghetto fabulous” style. An example is the “Jesus Piece” worn by Kanye West. Upper-middle-class white moms have started to use this one.

  blow up the spot (v): To give a great performance onstage. Generally used to describe hip-hop artists, but let’s broaden it out on the air: Hey, Gary! Great report on the five-day weather outlook. You totally blew up the spot! [Note: should not be used to punch up our Afghanistan or Iraq coverage.]

  blunt (n): marijuana rolled into the shell of a Phillies Blunt cigar. [Note: marijuana is illegal and should not be glorified here at BNO.]

  bounce (v): To depart, get going, move on. [Point of personal privilege here: also a terrific Gwyneth Paltrow/Ben Affleck vehicle a few years back. Grab the Kleenex!]