American Freak Show

by Willie Geist

  bug (v): To behave inappropriately, irrationally, or strangely: Why you acting so crazy? You buggin’! Not related in this context to insects.

  catch the vapors (v): To be overly involved in, or covetous of, another’s popularity, style, or vibe. [Note: our sources report that no one has said this for 20 years.]

  chill 1. (v): An entreaty (or command) to relax. Also a smart thing to do with Chardonnay 20 minutes before company comes over. 2. (adj): Relaxed and mellow.

  crib (n): A person’s home. As the recent years of MTV Cribs has taught us, pretty much anything with a front door and a roof is considered a “crib.” [Note: not considered “ghetto fabulous” when used to describe an infant’s bed.]

  Cristal (n): Expensive champagne often preferred by hip-hop artists and sprayed from VIP sections of nightclubs as a display of wealth.

  dawg (n): Term of endearment to describe a friend: That’s my dawg right there! or I feel you, dawg! You may recognize this usage from American Idol judge Randy Jackson, who, surprisingly, is not considered part of the hip-hop community. Go figure.

  dis (v): To insult or disparage. Short for “disrespect”: Hey, you! Don’t dis my new Sperry Top-Siders!

  dope (adj): Very good, high quality, fantastic. Also slang for “drugs,” which have plagued urban communities for decades now. It’s really sad, but what are you gonna do, right?

  down with (adv): Embracing a particular idea, activity, or thing: Are you down with that? You’d better believe I am! Wait, what are we talking about?

  drop science, drop knowledge (v): To provide wisdom or skill. To instruct. This one confuses me. The “knowledge” part I get. It’s all the “dropping” I’m hung up on. I’ve asked our lawyers to check into it.

  flava (n): Flavor, style: Give it your own flava, yo. Let’s be honest, and we don’t mean to be insensitive, but this one is just a flat-out misspelling of the word “flavor.”

  floss (v): To show off, most often with an overt display of material wealth. Flashing items (e.g., one’s cheddar or bling) in the faces of others. Also, and I don’t mean to be a nag here, something you really ought to do after every meal.

  flow (v): To rhyme continuously: Hey, Mr. Man! Chiggity check out my flow over here!

  fly (adj): Sexually attractive, lovely, or handsome. Different from “bug” for some reason.

  forty (n): A forty-ounce container of beer, typically malt liquor like Olde English 800 or Colt 45. [Note: white people drink these only ironically.]

  freak 1. (v): To have sex. 2. (n): Sexually aggressive female. Hip-hop artist Ludacris [sic] puts it in context when he raps, “We want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed.”

  fresh (adj): New or of high quality. Same concept as produce at Whole Foods, but with sneakers and baggy clothing. [See also dope.]

  front (v): To masquerade as something you are not: Don’t front, you’re totally not a good canasta player!

  ghetto fabulous (adj): Over-the-top style. Think mink coat in the summertime. Not to be confused with the term “Fabulous!” That’ll be in next week’s staff memo: “Faaaaabulousssssss!—Understanding the Gays.”

  grill (n): One’s personal space: Why you all up in my grill? Literally, one’s teeth or the diamond caps placed over the original teeth. Often seen in its plural form “grillz.” Really excessive, if I may say. They should put that money into a Roth IRA.

  hardcore (adj): Authentic or extreme. Also, the only kind of porn there is, if you ask me.

  holla (v): To get in touch with someone, as in: Holla at me, playa! Helpful hint: pronounced just like “challah,” the delicious braided bread served at Sabbath meals.

  homeboy/homegirl (n): A close friend. You’ve definitely heard this one. Come on.

  homey (n): See homeboy.

  honey (n): An attractive female.

  hood (n): Neighborhood, community. Used earnestly in urban culture and ironically in suburban slang, as in: ‘He’s cool—he’s from the ’hood back in Greenwich.’

  Hova (n): Self-ascribed nickname for popular rapper Jay-Z. An abbreviation of Jehovah, or God. They’re a very brazen people.

  hype (n): Positive, laudatory information about a person or thing, often premature or inaccurate: Don’t believe the hype! (Also a song from the rap group Public Enemy that scared the poop out of white people several years back.)

  ice (n): Diamonds or diamond jewelry: Look at her floss with all that ice, dawg/homey.

  ill (v): To behave inappropriately, obnoxiously, or weirdly: Stop illin’! Conversely, ill may also be used as an adjectival superlative: Man, that single was ill! May also be used to describe physical sickness, but, again, that would not be deemed “ghetto fabulous.”

  in the house (n): The state of being present, on the premises. [Also in the heezie, in da building.]

  Jacob the Jeweler (n): New York City jeweler Jacob Arabo, preferred by the hip-hop and professional sports communities. Featured in many rap songs and in several indictments.

  krunk (adj): used to describe an exceptionally good time, usually involving alcohol: Say, Richard, this corporate retreat is totally krunk!

  make it rain (v): To shower a group of people with paper currency, typically at a strip club. The larger the playa, the larger the amount of cash used to create said rain. The smaller playas rush to collect the money they’ve just thrown.

  off the hook (adj): Excellent, fun, rad. [Also off the chain and off the heezie, for sheezie.]

  old school (adj): Describes something that inspires nostalgia from a previous era. Dang it, Steve! Those Stan Smith tennis shoes are old school!

  paper (n): Currency, and not just that of the United States. Euros have come into favor with the hip-hop elite due to the recent slide of the dollar.

  peeps (n): People. Often refers to one’s cronies, community, or family. Also a delicious Easter treat that can be enjoyed all year round.

  phat (adj): The best, terrific, extremely dope and fresh. This is a delicate one. Use it incorrectly and we have a lawsuit from a fat person on our hands. Get approval from your direct manager before going with this.

  play yourself (v): To reveal vulnerability, to make a fool of yourself. [Important note: different than playing with oneself.]

  played out (adj): Archaic, no longer hip: Excuse me, sir! That Volvo wagon is played out. Why don’t you get a Peugeot or something while you’re at it! (Ha! Burn!)

  player (n): Typically refers to playboy types, those skilled at collecting digits from the honeys. Pronounced “play-ah” (the mispronunciation of these terms is critical to the success of their use).

  player haters (n): Those who disparage high rollers and players, usually because they are unsuccessful or unable to be players themselves. [Note: I once heard someone say on TV, Don’t hate the player, hate the game! I don’t know what that means, but give it a shot!]

  posse (n): One’s coterie or clan. The group of people one surrounds oneself with. [Note: using the word “coterie” is generally a good way to get your ass kicked.]

  represent (v): To demonstrate pride in or bring honor to one’s local community. I’m representin’ Westchester County, ya heard?!

  ride (n): Car, typically a leased sports car or large SUV with televisions in the headrests.

  rims (n): Custom-made exposed portion of tires, usually silver and often costing more than the ride whose wheels they cover.

  roll (v): To congregate or travel with a particular group or person: Let’s roll to Brooks Brothers to cop some of those phat noniron dress shirts!

  shorty (n): Little person or kid. Most often means an attractive female. [Note: not to be used to describe a “little person” in the technical sense—they’re very touchy and ornery.]

  slamming (adj): Fantastic, really good or extremely attractive, stylin’. [Note: have some fun with this one, gang, and drop the “g”—as in “slammin’ ”! [See also phat.]

  sucka (n): One who is easily fooled or manipulated. [Note: to better understand our African-America
n audience, rent I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. A spot-on depiction.]

  sweat (v): To harass, bother, or worry: Stop sweating on me! It’s totally gross! Yuck!

  tight (adj): Everything’s going well, all’s in its place, feeling good, as it should be—like a good pair of pleated khakis.

  trip (v): To overreact or act irrationally: Hey, don’t trip over that extension cord, playa!

  wack (adj): Bad, detrimental: Yo! This Hip-Hop Glossary is the opposite of wack! As a matter of fact, it’s fresh and totally krunk! The management at BNO just made it rain with knowledge, suckas! We’re currently Audi 5000! (The slang meaning—we’re not leaving in an Audi sedan.)

  TRUE STORY . . .

  “I AM THEM”

  Woman calls 911 to report own drunk driving

  The ethics of drunk driving are pretty clear-cut. Contrary to what your old man says, booze does not “help you focus” while driving (that only works for bowling and billiards). But what would a freshman ethics student do with the case of the forty-nine-year-old Wisconsin woman who called 911 to notify police that there was someone out on the road driving under the influence, and that someone was her?

  The driver had knocked down “7 or 8 brandy and Cokes” at various bars around Neillsville, Wisconsin, before she got behind the wheel to head home. Apparently that journey was not going well, so the woman took it upon herself to call 911 about a drunk driver on the road. Here’s how the exchange with the emergency operator went from there:

  Dispatch: You behind them?

  Drunk Lady: No, I am them.

  Dispatch: You am them?

  Drunk Lady: Yes, I am them.

  Dispatch: Okay, so you want to call and report you’re driving drunk?

  Drunk Lady: Yes.

  Dispatch: Are you still driving right now? You want to stop driving before you get in an accident.

  Drunk Lady: Yes, I will stop.

  The Drunk Lady pulled over and waited for police to arrive. She failed field sobriety tests miserably before telling the officers about the brandy and Cokes. She blew a healthy .17 and was arrested for drunk driving.

  Yes, driving drunk is objectively bad—no two ways about it. But do we as a society ignore the good deed that followed? Does it count for nothing? Do we throw the sinner out of the church for good?

  Or do we reward her brave decision to right the wrong? Whatever happened to redemption? Can you imagine if we had left Ted Kennedy on the ash heap of history after his traffic troubles? Perhaps Drunk Lady will also go on to become one of our greatest United States senators. Who can say for sure?

  Ethicists, and drunk drivers, will debate these important questions for generations to come.

  Chapter 7

  The Bachelorette: A Vote for Love

  One beautiful woman looking for the man of her dreams. Twenty-five creepy politicians vying for her heart. This is . . . The Bachelorette: A Vote for Love.

  I’m your host Chris Harrison and this is the season finale of The Bachelorette: A Vote for Love. Tonight, after 12 weeks of laughter, tears, and unforgettable rose ceremonies, Heather will make the most difficult decision of her life: which of the two remaining political creeps will she choose—and which will be sent home heartbroken like 23 men before him? Before we hand out the final rose, let’s go all the way back to Day One to hear why our bachelorette came here looking for love.

  “My name is Heather, I’m a 27-year-old technical business relations consultant from Lake Oswego, Oregon. I’ve been in some really bad relationships, so I’m definitely here to fall in love and find someone to share my life with. My grandmother always told me that the best way to find a meaningful relationship is to become a contestant on a reality television show. So here I am, Nana.

  “I guess I’d say I’m attracted to powerful men. Especially elected officials with complicated private lives and deviant sexual habits. My last relationship was with a member of the Lake Oswego City Council. We broke up after he was fired for downloading Malaysian scat porn on a government computer. It broke my heart to lose him that way.

  “I’m hoping and believing that one of these 25 amazing men is the One. I’m looking for love. If I don’t find it here, I don’t think I’ll find it anywhere.”

  Let’s bring her out on the biggest night of her life—ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Heather. You look absolutely stunning. How are you feeling?

  “Wow. Honestly, I feel sick to my stomach. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. No one prepares you for the fact that you can fall in love with two different creeps at the same time. My night in the Ikea Fantasy Suite with Governor Spitzer only made this harder. Ugh. I’m so confused right now, Chris.”

  There is no question you have a very difficult decision to make. Two successful, freaky politicians, and only one rose. This promises to be our most dramatic rose ceremony ever. I know I’m contractually obligated to say that every week, but this really is huge.

  Heather, before you make that choice, the guys made one final pitch for your heart. They asked me to pass along these personal video messages. The first one is from Mark, and brought to you by Buffalo Wild Wings.

  MARK, 50

  South Carolina Governor

  Hey, Heather. I can’t believe this is all ending. What a magical journey. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of not being with you when this is over. I thought I had found my soulmate in that Argentine lady until I met you. Plus, the commute to Buenos Aires was becoming a real bitch. So you are my soulmate, Heather. A lot of guys would be afraid to use a douchey term like “soulmate” in public, but Mark Sanford doesn’t care what anybody thinks. You are my soulmate. Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate!

  Of course my first reaction when I saw you was, Wow! She’s super-hot. God’s telling me not to do it, but my heart, and my dong, disagree with the Man Upstairs on this one. I’ll admit, I hoped you’d get a chance to see that dong I just mentioned because when I go tanning, I brown the whole bird. Also, I thought, she’s really gonna get along great with my four boys. This person could be my soulmate, and she’s got great haunches for hiking.

  But it wasn’t until our group date that I truly fell in love. The moment you grabbed my hand and kissed me while we all were out deep sea fishing is one I’ll cherish forever. I felt bad for Gary Hart just sitting there awkwardly and for my friend John Ensign hurling over the side of the boat, because they’re both super-cool guys, but for those few magical seconds, there were only two people on that vessel: Mark and Heather. “Magical” is a pretty douchey word, too, I guess, but if telling you that you are my “magical soulmate” makes me a douche bag, then I guess I’m a complete douche bag.

  As I’ve told you, Heather, I will move to Oregon with you in a heartbeat. My term as governor is up and here’s a news flash: Columbia, South Carolina, is a hellhole. I love God, but I’m afraid he forgot to shine his light on Columbia. Good Lord, is it bad. The farther and faster I can get away from there, the better. Plus, I need to get away from my ex-wife. She scares the s**t out of me. That woman is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. You’d fake long trips on the Appalachian Trail, too, trust me. She’s terrifying. I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but I have my bags packed already. If you screw me over here tonight, I’ll probably just go stay on my buddy’s couch in Myrtle Beach ’til this thing blows over.

  Before I go, I just want to leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes. It comes from Dr. Meredith Grey on Grey’s Anatomy. She said to McDreamy, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” So I ask you, Heather, to pick me, to choose me, and to love me. Oh, man. I hate that I’m crying right now. I should probably tell you up front that I might do something drastic if you don’t pick me—I’m in a weird place right now. Just an FYI. Love you, doll. You are my soulmate.

  Powerful stuff, Heather. How you feeling after seeing that?

  “Well, he’s definitely a giant pussy—what man quotes Grey’s Anatomy and uses the word ‘soulmate’ that liberally? Sometimes I wonder if
he’s gay. But there’s something very endearing about him. Kind of a dim-witted Southern charm. His is a unique brand of creepiness.”

  No question about it. A lot to think about there, but right now let’s turn to the other man fighting for your affection tonight. This personal video message comes to you from Eliot, and the good people at Listerine Breath Strips.

  ELIOT, 51

  Former New York Governor

  What’s up, Heather, you tasty little tomcat? It’s me, Grendel. Grrrrrrrr! Sorry, America—little inside joke there. I’m gonna be honest with you, Heather, I didn’t come here looking for love. Some of my advisors thought it would be a good move for the ol’ career rehab. That Client 9 business set me back a bit. The idea was that I’d look to the public like a man who knew how to love and respect women and not just a creep who likes to have hookers step on him with stilettos while he’s tied to a medieval torture rack. I just liked the idea because I figured there’d be some primo twenty-something ass involved.

  Well, a funny thing happened on the way to career rehab—I fell head-over-heels for a nice little slut named Heather who doesn’t mind dressing up like Princess Leia for “the Luv Guv.” I trademarked “Luv Guv” by the way—full line of energy bars and crotchless panties on my Web site. Little plug there.

  So when did I know this was something special? I guess it was that first night when we were in the hot tub with former Florida congressman Mark Foley—thank God you unloaded that freak, by the way. He didn’t seem terribly interested in you as he chugged champagne alone while sitting directly on the high-pressure jets, so I made my move. Even by my standards, we got pretty kooky that night (hint: Ping Pong balls plus instant gravy equals fun). But I knew you were a different kind of broad when I pulled out my money to pay for our night together. You pushed my hand away and said, “You don’t have to pay. I’m not a prostitute.” Do you remember what I said, Heather? I said, “Really? You could have fooled me with that gymnastics routine. I didn’t know whether to bang you or give you a perfect ten.” We shared a good laugh over that and then I said, “But wait, seriously, this one’s free?” I feel like that was a big moment for us.