Krista Kim-Bap

by Angela Ahn

  Denise was in a bad mood and yelled at us a lot.

  “No! Your timing is all wrong!” she shouted. “We have only a few days left before we present this! Focus, people!”

  I remembered to tie up my hair and bring comfortable shoes to PE today, but I was so glad when PE was over. The entire gym smelled like sweaty kids and it was not a nice smell. I had spent a lot of time with the girls the week before, and I was so thankful that they helped me learn the steps better. Denise hadn’t singled me out once today, because I had nailed it. I was almost having a good time.

  Before I knew it, the lunch bell rang. As we went to grab our lunch kits, Jason suddenly said to me, “You know, your grandmother is not so bad after all. She invited me to dinner at your house tomorrow.” I was feeling so happy that he spoke to me in the normal way he would have before all this weirdness started between us.

  “She surprised me too,” I admitted. I was trying to be calm, but I was overwhelmed by happiness when he spoke to me. It felt like a moment I couldn’t let pass me by. Maybe Jason had been looking for a reason to talk to me and ironically enough, the reason was my grandmother. Then Madison grabbed me by the arm.

  “Come on. Join us at our table for lunch again?” she asked. After talking to my sister a few nights ago, I felt like I needed a little space from the girls. I just wanted to think things through. I felt like I had to learn the ways of girls a little better before I rushed into spending all my time with Madison and the others again.

  Then, I looked over at Jason. After days of awkwardness, he and I finally talked normally and now, he looked like he was about to walk off.

  “Oh, you know what? I think I’m just going to hang out with Jason today. Thanks though,” I said.

  “Okay,” she said slowly. Then she gave Jason a long stare. She lowered her voice and said, “Actually, I was also wondering…did you manage to ask your sister if she could help me out?”

  “Oh right, I forgot to tell you. Tori said she was flattered, but she’s just way too busy.” I had hoped Madison would forget about it and not force me to talk about it again.

  “Oh, thanks anyway. I’ll catch up with you later.” Madison tried to sound bright and happy, but I could tell she was disappointed as she walked off to join her friends.

  “What was that about?” Jason asked.

  I waited until I knew she was too far away to hear. “The other day, she asked me if I would ask Tori if she would make her a dress.”

  “What did Tori say?” he asked curiously.

  “She said no way,” I replied.

  “That doesn’t surprise me,” he said. He knew Tori about as well as I did. “Did she say why exactly?”

  “She didn’t want to repeat ideas, and plus she said that she thought Madison’s request was kind of stepping past some kind of friend boundary, since we haven’t known each other too long,” I said.

  He looked at me for a second. “Did you think it was overstepping?”

  “When she first asked me, yes, I was a bit shocked. She wasn’t asking just me, she was asking me to ask somebody else. But at the same time, I really don’t know how other girls operate, you know? Is that what they do? Is that kind of ask normal? I have no idea!”

  “Sorry, I have no clue either,” he said. Then he paused. “Uh, Krista…I think I’m just going to head over to Marcus’ table okay?”

  I felt like he had just punched me. What could I say? “Okay, I’ll see you later.” I tried to put on a brave face and give him a smile, but I was having a hard time. I had just told Madison that Tori didn’t want to make her a dress, and I thought maybe Jason and I could patch things up, but he just walked away from me. He was mad at me, and it was all my fault. So much for that feeling of happiness I had just had.

  For the first time in a long time, I ate lunch by myself.

  Things didn’t improve for me the rest of the day.

  Things hit rock bottom at around 2pm when Mrs. June asked us to pick partners for our art project and I was that kid left at the end of the pairing up with no partner. It’s humiliating when that happens. Instead of sucking it up and following Mrs. June’s suggestion of joining a pair, I got super proud and told her, “I’ll do it myself!”

  While everybody else was giggling and talking I could feel my eyes brimming with tears, and I had to work really hard to breathe and focus on what I was supposed to do. But I wasn’t listening to instructions, and I couldn’t focus. I looked up around the class and caught Jason’s eye. He looked away immediately.

  When the bell rang, I ran home. I ran as fast as my legs would take me.

  CHAPTER 19

  I knew I wasn’t sick. But I felt sick. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I couldn’t drag myself to school.

  “Krista? Are you coming down with something?” my mom asked me as she packed my lunch. “You hardly ate anything last night and today you’re not eating breakfast.”

  I had been staring at my soggy bowl of cereal for so long the O’s had started to disintegrate.

  I didn’t want to talk about it. My mom stopped packing.

  “Remember that Grandma is coming for dinner tonight,” she said. “And she told me that Jason was coming.” She gave me an expectant look. I didn’t answer her. “That will be nice. I haven’t seen him in a while.”

  I still didn’t say anything. I just didn’t feel like talking. But she wasn’t getting the hint. She just kept babbling on.

  “I just hope she doesn’t bring tteokguk!” My mom chuckled. That was enough of her chatter. I went from depressed melancholy to raging fury in two seconds.

  “Mom!” I burst out. “Stop talking, geez!”

  She dropped what she was doing and said seriously, “Krista, I know something is going on. Clearly you don’t want to talk about it. When you’re ready, I’m here for you. In the meantime, mind your manners and do not yell at me.” She raised her finger and pointed it at me with extra emphasis.

  I got up, dumped the bowl of cereal in the sink, and took the lunch bag she handed to me wordlessly.

  It was deathly silent in the kitchen when Tori came downstairs. She had lightly curled her hair and the dark curls bounced as she came into the kitchen. Why did my sister have to look like a shampoo commercial at this very moment?

  She stopped and looked at me, then looked at my mom who seemed to be moving around the kitchen in a random series of disorganized movements.

  “Okay…” Tori said. “Shall I mention the obvious tension in the room, or should I just pretend everything is fine and ignore it?”

  “Ignore it!” my mom and I said at the same time. I grabbed my backpack and left the house without looking back.

  The ten-minute walk to school wasn’t long enough. I didn’t want to face anybody. I didn’t want to look at Madison and her sparkly shoes. She probably hated me now anyway, since I hadn’t been able to convince Tori to help her out. Arden and Emma usually did what Madison did, so if she was mad, they would at least pretend to be too. Who cares! I said to myself. Tori said that I should figure out if they were even my friends in the first place. Tori was probably right. She knew more about these things than I did.

  Jason. I thought for just a split second that everything was going to be okay, and then he ditched me. Why did he ditch me like that yesterday? I couldn’t shake how badly it had hurt when he walked away from me.

  I was startled by the sound of a car horn blaring. “Hi, Krista!” Emma shouted at me from the passenger side of her mom’s car. She waved as they drove by.

  Okay, that was good news. At least she was talking to me. Would that mean that Madison wasn’t mad?

  I slapped myself hard on the side of the head. I hated this! I hated not understanding what was going on. I hated trying to figure out other people’s feelings and why they did stuff. Why is everything and everyone so complicated! Life had definitely become far
more complex the closer I got to twelve.

  When I saw my school, I started walking slowly—even more slowly than I had before. The bell rang and I sighed more deeply than I had ever sighed before.

  I made my way through the mass of bodies and walked into the cloakroom just before the second bell.

  Jason was right behind me. He had been behind me the whole time. A few weeks ago, he would have run to catch up with me, but today I’m pretty sure he stayed behind me on purpose.

  “Hi,” I said, looking down at the ground while I hung up my backpack and jacket.

  “Hi,” he replied, doing the same. We didn’t look at each other. Then he walked to the left exit, and I walked to the right. We sat down at our desks and Mrs. June started the class.

  Today a few more kids were going to present their Heritage Month projects. Arden was presenting this morning. She gave a slideshow about her French-Canadian roots. She had traced her ancestors back for a few hundred years. She even had pictures of her great-great-grandparents. That was cool. Then the bell rang for recess. Not cool.

  I shuffled around, not knowing what to do or where to go. Was Madison going to grab my arm and take me with her as she had been doing? Did I even want that anymore?

  In the cloakroom Marcus was telling some story to the boys and I could hear them all laughing and slapping each other’s arms. Jason was with them.

  I stood in front of my backpack for an extra long time, pretending to be digging for something. Jason looked at me quickly, and then his eyes darted away. His shoulder rubbed my arm as he tried to squeeze by in the crowded space and he continued to follow the boys.

  “Your great-great-grandmother looked so serious!” Emma was telling Arden.

  “I know!” Arden said. “Oh, hey, Krista.”

  “Hi,” I said.

  Madison had been late coming into the cloakroom. As she entered, I decided to leave. She looked like she was about to say something, but I gave her a hasty little smile and then walked quickly away. It was better if I made the choice not to hang around with her today, and didn’t let her make the decision.

  My choice today was to hide in the school vegetable garden all recess. The kale had become so overgrown it provided a good place for me to disappear from the world. I did the same thing at lunch.

  CHAPTER 20

  Jason was late coming to dinner. I hadn’t spoken to him about it at school, so I didn’t know if he remembered. He knew our 6pm rule, so when the clock clicked past 6pm, I thought he wasn’t coming. Grandma kept looking at the clock too, wondering when to serve dinner. When I heard the knock on the door, I jumped.

  “I’ll get it,” my mom said. She walked to the front door, opened it and said, “Jason! So nice to see you. Glad you could join us.” Then she reached over and gave him a hug.

  He gave her a limp hug in return. I don’t think eleven-year-old boys are super comfy getting hugs from adult women.

  Tori yelled from the kitchen, “Hey, loser, hurry up. We’re all hungry!”

  Then she turned to Grandma and said, “Grandma, I’m going to put this plate of kimchi down on the other side of the table okay? It stinks more than usual today.”

  She gave Tori a little sneer and the tongue click, which signaled disapproval. Finally, a break in the love-fest between those two.

  Jason took off his shoes and shuffled into the kitchen with his hands jammed into his pockets. I had decided that I was going to pretend I was cool, but I also was going to try very hard not to look at him.

  Grandma said to Jason, “Sit down. We have kalgooksu today. You have this one before?”

  “Ah, I don’t think so,” he said as he peered into the bowl Grandma had just put before him.

  “Noodles in soup,” Grandma said. “It’s very nice. Try.” She motioned to the bowl. He hesitated because he was waiting for everyone else to get their soup. “Tastes good with kimchi mixed in.”

  “Not if you ask me!” Tori said.

  Grandma ignored her as she passed bowls of soup to everyone else. “Turns soup spicy, but flavor is nice.”

  My dad walked through the door. “Am I late?” he asked.

  “Yes,” we all answered together.

  “Jason!” he said. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?” He made the rounds by giving hugs and kisses, and to Jason he stuck out his hand. “Good to see you buddy!” They shook hands.

  “Eat!” Grandma encouraged us. “Soup getting cold!”

  I watched Jason pick up a pile of kimchi with his chopsticks and throw it into his bowl of soup. I did the same. I gave my kimchi a little twirl around in the soup and watched the red pepper flakes float off and the soup turn a pale orange.

  My dad went to go change out of his hospital scrubs and my grandmother put out a few more things on the table before she settled down herself. We ate silently for a while. All you could hear was blowing on noodles to cool them down and wet slurps.

  “Jason,” Grandma said. She interrupted him mid-slurp and he had noodles hanging out of his mouth awkwardly. He paused, but she wasn’t expecting an answer, she was trying to get his attention.

  His mouth was full of noodles, so he looked at her, expectantly.

  “Remember Krista’s grandfather died few years ago? You came to funeral,” she said. That was an awkward conversation opener, even for Grandma.

  I had stopped eating and Jason was chewing and listening. He nodded again.

  “When my husband died, my best friend died. I thought he must know everything on my mind. For many years, I keep my feelings inside because I just think he knows. We live together almost forty-five years. I thought I didn’t need to say words. But now, I think maybe he didn’t know. Even two people are close, but sometimes small thing still not clear. I wish now I could say things. I should have.” She cleared her throat.

  We had all stopped eating. My dad stood in the kitchen doorway listening.

  “Jason, maybe you think you know how somebody close to you feels. But people very deep, like ocean. The view is not clear. I think best way is talk, very open, so things—” Grandma suddenly noticed my dad standing in the doorway, got up and said, “Sit, sit!” The moment had passed.

  I knew she wasn’t just talking to Jason, she was talking to me too. We let my dad settle into his spot at the table. Jason continued to eat, but not with as much enthusiasm as before.

  “Did anybody die today?” I asked after an awkward silence that needed to be broken. This was me trying to be normal.

  My dad took one big slurp of noodles before he said, “Not today, kiddo! I am the world’s best cardiac surgeon!”

  We all rolled our eyes. My dad could be a real goof sometimes. Or maybe he truly did think he was the world’s best cardiac surgeon, I don’t know.

  My dad changed the conversation at the table and started to talk about the new sports car one of his colleagues had just bought. I never listened when he talked about expensive cars, but I was glad to have somebody talking about something, anything, at the table right now.

  Grandma’s soup was good. It was a nice change from tteokguk. We all finished our portions quickly and by the end, my soup was bright red from all the kimchi I had mixed into it. Jason picked up his bowl with his two hands, brought it up to his face and sucked up every last bit of broth. The highest compliment he could have given Grandma.

  “Gee, Jason, did you like it? We can’t tell,” Tori said with a hint of disgust in her voice.

  We all laughed.

  “Mrs. Kim, that was delicious!” he exclaimed as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Everybody else was almost finished too.

  “Good. Glad you like it.” She almost smiled at him. “In Korean house, we never ask guest to help clean, but guest usually insists to help. But you not Korean, so I just tell you. You and Krista tidy up, I am tired today. I need to relax.” She told ev
eryone else to get out of the kitchen. “Young people do it. Lots of energy.”

  Jason, whose eyes I had tried to avoid all throughout dinner, got up and looked at me.

  “I’ll get the bowls, you get the glasses,” he said. We worked away silently for a few minutes, with the TV on in the background. Grandma liked to watch the Korean channel, so we made sure we had it on our cable plan. They were watching a Korean variety show.

  “Jason, I have something I want to say.” I tried not to sound dramatic, but I think it came out that way.

  He paused and waited.

  “I never apologized for blowing you off the last couple of weeks. I really have not been a very good friend. I mean, I’ve never wanted to hang out with those girls, ever, and then suddenly I’m hanging out with them. It’s not that they are terrible people. Actually, they’re not. They helped me get better at the dance. You know how I have two left feet?”

  He nodded.

  “They weren’t mean about it either. They were helpful. They are okay people. They are good to know and, honestly, I’m glad to know them. But it’s different with them, I’m never quite sure of myself. Like with the whole Madison and the dress thing.” That was a mouthful but I needed to get it all out before I lost my courage.

  He shrugged. “It’s fine, Krista.”

  “No, it’s not,” I continued. “I’m really sorry. I just want you to know that I am totally aware I was a jerk. I am also very sorry that you had to spend so much time with Marcus lately.”

  “Look I get it. Madison is popular. She invited you to her fancy party and I guess because of your nice dress, she finally noticed you and then asked you to come hang out with her a few times. You did, and that’s okay.” He paused.

  I put plastic wrap over some plates and tried to swallow my guilty feeling.

  “But I always noticed you. I didn’t need a fancy dress to see you,” he said while he looked at me. But then he looked down at the table of dishes.

  I felt like such an idiot, I couldn’t breathe. I stopped tidying up the table.