by Patti Doss
I looked down and then looked back at her. She seemed to be waiting for me to finish.
“That’s all I wanted to say. I’m sorry for bothering you and I promise I won’t ever bother you again.” I walked away from her and started to walk back towards the kids, who still hadn’t decided on a flavor of ice cream yet.
She called me back. I feared what she was about to say, but I had to hear her out, just as she stood and heard me out. “Part of me wants to beat your ass and the other part of me wants to pray for you. I can’t say thoughts of killing you haven’t crossed my mind because I would be lying. I can’t say I haven’t thought about the kids because I have. You’re right. They have nothing to do with this, and they shouldn’t suffer because of something that you did.” She looked at me square in the face. “I won’t mistreat your kids, and I pray that you won’t mistreat mine, but as for you and I, well there is nothing there. We will never be friends again, but I will do my best to be civil with you, for the kids’ sake. I’ll set up a playdate for the kid. I’ll let you know when. You still are not welcome to my house, so whenever the kids want to come over, find somebody else to bring them or we can meet in a parking lot somewhere. I don’t want you near my house ever again, do you understand that?”
I wanted to snap back at her icy tone, but I deserved that and more. “No problem.”
We both walked over to the kids. Tammie hugged the kids, told them goodbye and went back to shopping. The kids and I picked out ice cream and proceeded to checkout.
God has a sense of humor. First, I run into Mike at the mall. Then, I run into Tammie at the grocery store. I know things could have been worse running into Tammie without the kids and in a different location, so I was glad that it happened the way that it did. I was still taken back by it all. By the time I reached the parking lot, I felt a panic attack coming on and coming on strong. I never told anybody that I had panic attacks. My kids thought I had asthma. I put the kids in the car and told them to buckle up. I went to the back of the car, opened the trunk, got a brown lunch bag out and started breathing into it. I felt like somebody was sitting on my chest; somebody named Stress. After about thirty breaths into the bag, I felt a little better.
I composed myself as best I could and closed the trunk. As I turned around, I ran into Tammie yet again. I don’t know how long she had been there or how long she had been watching me, but another wave of panic was hitting me. I struggled to open the trunk again. Once I did, I grabbed the bag and started breathing into it.
“Are you okay?” Tammie asked.
I nodded as I caught my breath. But she wasn’t blind. She knew that I wasn’t okay.
She felt sorry for me. Her eyes looked at me like I was a basket case. “Why don’t you let the kids come over to my house for a while so that you can get some rest? I will bring them home later.”
Without even waiting for my answer, she walked to the car and opened the door and told the kids they could come with her. The kids were excited, but her compassion made me feel like shit. They hugged me and said goodbye, not even noticing my anxiety.
I gave them their ice cream while attempting to hold my composure. “Y’all make sure you mind Auntie Tammie.”
I watched them get into the truck with Tammie and drive off. As Tammie turned out the parking lot with my kids, I knew at that moment that I lost a very good friend. At that thought, the pain in my chest resurfaced, and I was back kissing my paper bag.
* * *
Tammie never brought the kids home. When I got home she had left a message on my answering machine for me to pack up the kids enough clothes for the weekend, including their church clothes, because they were going to spend the weekend with her.
“Leave the bag on the carport on top of the trash can.” I could hear in the sound of her voice that she hated to do anything for me, but she had too much heart to betray me and my kids like I had done her.
As I packed the kids’ clothes, I figured that I needed to go to church myself. The last time that I went to church, the pastor was preaching on adultery. He was stepping on my toes so bad that I thought my shoes were too little. It was just my guilty conscience and soul crying out because of what Mike and I were doing as we both sat in the same church. Weird thing was Mike was in the middle of Tammie and myself.
It wasn’t planned that way. I was late for church. After the kids had gone downstairs for children’s church, I had trouble finding a seat. I spotted Tammie, and she pointed to a seat near her but beside her husband. Looking back now, I don’t know why I didn’t ask Mike to switch seats with Tammie. As the preacher continued his rant about the wages of sins and how adultery and other fleshy sins hurt our relationship with God, I looked at Mike, and he looked off. My heart was so heavy, and my conscience was whipping my butt big time.
You know that feeling you get when you were little, and you did something wrong; your mother found out and made you go get a switch that she was going to whip you with? That feeling in your gut as you walk to pick a switch off a tree, knowing that it is going to be used to punish you? That’s how I felt as I sat in the middle of the house of God on one end of my disgraceful isosceles triangle.
I felt so bad that I was sweating bullets, and the Pastor’s sermon was not helping me at all. I felt so bad but not as bad as I felt at this moment. I decided that I was going to church on Sunday. Somewhere in life I had forgotten my morals and values. I needed a good reminder.
This time, I would be sure to be on time and not sit anywhere near Tammie or Mike.
Chapter 27
TAMMIE
I must admit I was enjoying having Rachel’s kids over for the weekend. Between our little situations, I didn’t realize how much I miss the boys being over playing with MJ. The way the kids smiled and hugged each other when I got home let me know that they missed the boys as well.
Now we are ending the weekend at church and then off to Golden Corral for Sunday dinner because I did n’t cook. The kids wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese, but I was in no mood for dealing with screaming babies, toddlers and kids.
Persia and Sharon decided to join us for church. Persia’s husband couldn’t come because he had to leave for work. Persia was a little disappointed. Aside from Michael working all the time, I think Derek had him beat. He was always working, always on the road. I know Persia was fed up with it, but he would always make her feel guilty about her tours overseas and all the time she spent away from the kids.
If you asked me, he was cheating, but there was no proof. I think Persia was in so much denial that she chose what she wanted to see. It was obvious amongst me, Sharon and Rachel, but when the situation with Rachel and I occurred, we forgot all about it. Michael’s infidelity and Rachel’s betrayal had seemingly outweighed the issue of Sharon’s baby daddy issues, and Persia’s husband’s constant travel.
Guess what the sermon was on today? FORGIVENESS! Forgiving others that have hurt us like Christ forgives us.
Pastor Williams even hit us with the “How can you love God, who you cannot see, but not love your neighbor whom you see every day?” A pain hit me in my chest. I don’t know if it was God getting my attention, the sermon affecting me or the food from last night. Either way, I felt uncomfortable.
I said a silent prayer. I didn’t want my personal issues to take over my thoughts, not while in church anyway. Yet, the more Pastor Williams preached, the worse I felt. I tried my best to make it through the service without letting my mind drift back to Rachel and Mike, but it didn’t work.
I realized then that the only way to do that was to face my issues head on and that the only way for me to truly heal was through forgiveness. I took Pastor Williams’ sermon as a sign from God of what I needed to do to be whole again, so I stopped resisting the tugging at my heart and accepted all that God wanted me to get. Just as I opened my eyes and looked around the church, I saw Rachel sitting on the left side of the church towards the end of the fourth row. God was showing me what I needed to do even though I didn’
t want to do it. Pastor Williams was bringing his sermon to a close when he asked anybody that needed prayer to come to the altar.
The tugging at my heart returned, but I didn’t move right away. Pastor Williams, seeing that not many people were coming to the altar, called everyone to the altar because as he said, we all need prayer and the armor of God to cover us in this dirty world. Once the congregation gathered around the altar, Pastor Williams asked us to hold hands while he prayed. When he finished praying, he asked us to fellowship within the congregation and not just with the person next to us. He told everyone on the left side of the room to fellowship with the right side of the room. Of course, everyone did as he asked, even the quiet and shy people of the congregation.
I guess the sermon had got to Sharon and Persia too because they found Rachel and hugged her. The tugging returned. I wanted to resist, but I had already promised God that I would follow his lead, and he was leading me to forgive Rachel.
I walked towards Rachel. Michael, Sharon, and Persia gave me this look that begged me to please remember where I was. Rachel opened her mouth to talk, but I stopped her. I didn’t stop her to be rude. I stopped her because I was afraid she would say something that would make me forget we were at church.
“Rachel, I forgive you.” She was surprised. Shock was all over her face as I continued. “I forgive you for everything you have done to me. I don’t want to know why, how, when or none of that. God asks us to forgive others as He forgives us, so I have to forgive you Rachel, but that does not mean I have to forget. I won’t hold it over your head, but I will always remember it so that I won’t allow myself to be hurt again,” and I gave her a hug.
I walked over to Mike before she could say anything in return. I hugged him as well. “I forgive you too. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I’m going wherever God leads me, whether that is staying here and making my marriage work or gathering up my strength to leave. Whenever that decision is made, I’ll let you know.”
As soon as I turned my back to him, the tears started falling. I quickly wiped my face and rushed to the bathroom, found an empty stall and cried my eyes out. About five minutes later, I heard Persia and Sharon calling my name.
“Tamm? You in here?”
“You okay, girl?”
“I’m fine,” I told them. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I composed myself as best I could and walked out of the stall. They both looked at me and just hugged me. We hugged for what seemed like five minutes.
Persia finally broke the silence and said, “You know what you need? Something chocolatey. Chocolate makes everything better.”
I chuckled, “Chocolate?”
She smiled devilishly, “Well, I was thinking of something else, but I don’t think this is an appropriate place to say that.”
Sharon started giggling and said, “You are so nasty, Persia!”
Persia replied, “See? Your mind stays in the gutter. I was going to say a drink...”
We all started laughing. It was moments like this that I treasured. Only good friends can make you laugh while you’re crying.
As we were leaving the bathroom together, Rachel was entering the bathroom. She looked at us all together and walked past us holding her head down as she entered the second set of bathroom doors. Neither one of us said anything. We just went downstairs to get the kids from Children’s church and left to enjoy the rest of our Sunday with clear hearts and mind.
Chapter 28
TAMMIE
It had been about seven months since that Sunday in church when I forgave Rachel. Rachel was due any day now with Mike’s twin boys. I had been trying not to think about it, but I just couldn’t help thinking of the day when my life will change forever.
A lot has happened since then. The world lost two great female singers, Etta James and Whitney Houston. Both were tremendous blows to the music industry. Houston’s death shocked the world almost as much as the death of Michael Jackson’s in 2009. Since Houston’s death, there have been tons of tributes to her. Today, they were playing movies she starred in. My favorite was on, Waiting to Exhale. Of course, I watched, remembering the day that Persia, Sharon and I watched it a few months ago.
As I sat there watching it by myself, it was bittersweet. Unlike the unbroken friendship of Gloria, Savannah, Bernadine and Robin, my sisterhood was now broken. I hadn’t spoken to Rachel since that day at church. To be honest, I had no intention of ever speaking to her again.
I had forgiven her, but I was no fool.
I didn’t think I could ever forgive Michael, but I felt like I owed it to my kids to give it a try, so we had been going to counseling. So far, we hadn’t made any progress. Though I broke things off with Jamal, we were still keeping in touch. Sometimes, I confided in him or vented to him because there were no more weekly lunches with the girls.
The sisterhood had been shattered like a glass vase. No matter how hard Persia and Sharon tried to put the pieces back together, the glass was never whole. Persia and Sharon tried unsuccessfully to close the gap between Rachel and me, but I just was not ready to sit in a room with her and be fake cordial with the fact that she had gotten pregnant by my husband. My bitterness towards her put Persia and Sharon, especially Sharon, in an uncomfortable situation, so we all just agreed to avoid that topic whenever we were together.
I would know very soon whether the sisterhood would be made whole again or if my marriage would survive. Mike said he wanted to spend as much time together as possible before things “got hectic.” What he really meant was before his babies, Mikye and Mikele, came.
When he told me the names that Rachel had picked for the boys, I got even madder. He said she chose the names because she knew that all his kids’ names started with a M. Beyond that fact, I’m almost positive that I told Rachel how much I loved those names. Now she was naming her children by my husband the names that I would have named my kids if my husband and I had had more children.
It just seems like a slap in the face to me.
Anyway, that night he wanted to take me out to dinner. I really didn’t want to go, but if I wanted my marriage to work, I had to at least try. Just as I was getting ready for our dinner date, the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and it was Edible Arrangements with an arrangement very similar to the one Mike had sent me months ago, along with the dark and white chocolate strawberries.
That was a great day, the calm before the storm that hit my life.
The gesture was nice. For a moment, my mind drifted back to that day, months ago when I felt that my marriage actually had a chance to get back on track. Now looking at this arrangement today, I wasn’t so sure. I put the fruit arrangement and the strawberries in the fridge and started up the stairs only to be interrupted by the doorbell again.
I thought maybe the delivery man had forgotten to get my signature on something. When I opened the door, it wasn’t Edible Arrangements, but someone delivering flowers. It was eleven red roses and a card. I accepted the flowers, placed them on the kitchen counter and started up the stairs with the card in my hand. I stopped when I started to read it.
Part of me was hoping that the flowers were from Jamal. Then I wouldn’t feel so guilty about thinking about him as much as I had been. As much as I was willing to give my husband a chance and try counseling with him, I thought of Jamal constantly, way more than I should. I even stopped walking on the trail because I didn’t know what would happen if we ever saw each other again.
I opened the card, and it wasn’t from Jamal. The card simply said, “Happy Anniversary! Baby, I love you! Mike.” I had been so preoccupied lately that I completely forgot about our anniversary. I tucked the card into my pocket and went back upstairs to get dressed.
Just as I was putting the finishing touches on my hair and makeup, Mike came into the room with the twelfth red rose and handed it to me. “Happy anniversary.”
I didn’t even reach for it. I just looked at him. He placed the rose beside me and went into
the guest bedroom’s bathroom to get ready for our date. I knew that he was trying to recreate the night we had together before this nightmare began, but I pretended that I didn’t know. Actually, I didn’t really care.
He tried to make small talk all the way to the restaurant but after constantly ignoring him, he finally gave up.
We arrived at Carrabba’s in Kennesaw and ended up at the exact table we had shared last time he brought me there. Mike made small talk, but my mind was all over the place. I gave him half-ass answers and barely looked at him.
“Tammie, I love you and I want our marriage to work. I’m willing to do whatever possible to make us work.”
I didn’t respond, and he went on with the same ‘ol apology that he had been giving me for seven months. I just occasionally nodded and said okay, but he got the picture that I really wasn’t interested in anything he was saying. I guess he got tired of me blowing him off that he got up. I thought he was about to leave and get some air or go to the restroom, but he did neither.