Holding My Breath

by A. M. Hartnett

  Go. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. We’re fine.

  Quinn leaned towards her with a faint smile. ‘I didn’t go because I didn’t want to go. I hadn’t wanted to go for a while, but I stuck to my plan. After this thing started up between us, I didn’t want to go because I had somewhere better to be. So I went home, and when enough time had passed I got dressed up and came to you.’

  She frowned at him. ‘Wait, what about the woman with the toys?’

  ‘Never happened, at least not recently.’

  Another thought threw cold water all over her. ‘What about the thing with Simon?’

  Quinn laughed with a shrug. ‘That happened.’

  ‘I mean, I pushed you into that.’

  ‘I never would have done it if I didn’t want to, and I’m not sorry I took you.’ He gave his head a shake and a look of frustration showed on his face. ‘But I am sorry I lied to you. I think another part of me wanted to see if you could accept the part of me you had walked right into. Maybe it was wrong, but things got intense between the two of us really quickly and it was so new to me. I liked it and it made me nervous, and I guess I convinced myself that you’d be able to deal with my past better if you’d been a part of it.’

  Still clutching her hand, Quinn reached up with his other hand and tugged on a strand of hair that had evaded her ponytail, then cupped her cheek.

  ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this, any of this, but there’s no other way I can tell you what having you means to me. You make me happy. You make me right. You make me want to live to be a hundred years old.’

  ‘Oh.’ Molly blew the word out. What else could she say to something like that?

  Quinn raised his brows, unease settling in. She couldn’t stand him thinking that he had erred, but there would never be an adequate reply to a statement so beautiful, and so she vaulted onto his lap.

  His sound of surprise became a purr as she kissed him. He hauled her closer so they were thigh to thigh, chest to chest, and wrapped his arms around her.

  ‘Oh,’ she said again when the hard urgency of his mouth turned soft. She drew back and said it again. ‘I can’t believe I forgot that today’s your birthday, too.’

  He laughed, then tugged the collar of his robe with a snap of his teeth. ‘Do I get to unwrap you?’

  ‘Probably later, but –’

  ‘Probably?’

  ‘Definitely. I have something for you.’

  Quinn prevented her dismounting. ‘No, you’re not giving me anything else. In the last week I’ve had a Christmas present and a retirement present.’

  ‘And now you’re going to get a birthday present. Come on, let me up. You’ll love it.’

  ‘I –’ He stopped short, and then his whole face lit up. ‘I love you, and that’s all I need.’

  She pushed the balls of her feet against the floor but he wouldn’t allow her to escape, instead burying his face in her neck. The cheery bubble in Molly’s chest escaped as a giggle, and went on giggling while he growled playfully as he kissed up and down the ticklish slope.

  ‘OK. OK. Listen, trust me, the complete nerd in you will cream his panties when he sees what I have for you.’

  He let her lead him downstairs and dropped into a chair as she went to the sofa where she had left her purse the previous night.

  ‘If you get any better at exploiting my weaknesses I’m going to work on strengthening my defences,’ he said.

  ‘And I’ll be more than happy to tear them down.’ As she drew out the envelope a tickle went through her, and she looked at Quinn.

  The same memory of the first time she had done this was written all over his face. She grinned and dropped her purse back on the cushions.

  ‘This isn’t three grand.’ She held up the envelope as she dropped back into her seat, then frowned at him. ‘Speaking of which, I think you owe me a wad of cash for last night. Where did you put my money?’

  ‘I thought I had a face you could trust.’

  ‘I did when you had a source of income. Now, I kind of just want my money. Here. Open it.’

  Huge smile on his face, he took the envelope from her and pushed his thumb under the seal. ‘If this is a card with ten dollars in it like my grandpa used to give me, I’m going to be so happy.’

  Like the watch, she wasn’t quite sure how the birthday present would be received. He unfolded the wad of papers and, as his brow furrowed, Molly nervously curled her toes.

  He glanced up at her. ‘A university application?’

  ‘Not just any university. Look.’ She pulled at the official-looking leaves of paper until she found the one printed on yellow paper.

  Quinn read out loud. ‘“Fantasy in Literature: from Myth to Tolkien”. Molly, I don’t even have a high-school diploma.’

  ‘You don’t need one to audit. You don’t take exams and you don’t write papers. You just show up and enjoy the lecture.’ She shrugged, sending the robe down her shoulders in the same direction as her confidence in her gift. ‘I like your food-truck idea, too.’

  He went back to the application form and read through it. ‘What do I need to do to get credit for it? Like, how many papers would I need to write?’

  ‘I don’t know. I never went to university. Are you thinking about enrolling?’

  ‘Maybe. Maybe I could go to university. I could get my high-school equivalency.’ A sudden look of disbelief came over his face. ‘Jesus Christ, I could do all that straight and narrow shit I should have been doing while I was fucking up my life on the streets.’

  ‘Hey, pace yourself,’ she said with a laugh, and took the papers from his hands. ‘You’ve probably got another fifty years to cram in all the straight and narrow shit.’

  He remained in his trance of possibilities for another moment, then shook himself out of it. ‘You’re right. For at least the next month, I’m going to do as little as possible.’ He sat back and smiled at her as she stuffed the papers back into the envelope and rested it on the table top. ‘Thank you, for the watch, for the Christmas gift, for this, and for summoning me to that hotel room that day.’

  They sat in a comfortable silence together. Molly overflowed with contentment, waves of it pouring out of her and rolling over her skin like waves, and, riding on its wake, a subtle anticipation.

  She took his hands, hoping the touch of his skin would chase it away, but the feeling only grew more powerful. It was as if Quinn’s sense of rebirth was feeding it. A peppery sensation crept behind her eyes and at the back of her throat, and as he stroked his thumb across hers she was overcome by it.

  She stood and belted her robe. ‘Do you mind running down to the garage and getting my bag?’

  ‘Are you all right?’

  Emotion kept on welling up. She waved her hands in front of her face as though that could chase away the sudden compulsion. ‘It’s a loaded day. I’ll be fine, I swear.’

  Quinn got to his feet and pulled her into his arms. It was a short but wonderful hug that left her warm but did nothing to chase away her anxiety. She followed him to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed as he threw on his running clothes, then remained there while he went to the car.

  She pressed her knees together and curled her fingers into the softness of Quinn’s robe.

  I think I’m ready.

  She didn’t believe it. She’d talked about it with Quinn but it had only been talk. She didn’t really think the day would come when she’d have to chase the need to keep her ghosts locked up.

  But, believe it or not, today was that day she had to let them slip away.

  And she wanted to burrow into the robe and wish the feeling away.

  So much had changed in the last two months. Time after time she’d cheered herself on for being brave, for taking chances and welcoming the exciting and unfamiliar. Falling in love again, deeper and harder than ever before, had made her fearless, but the thought of entering that room had always reminded her that she wasn’t fearless, not really.

  But the
more she thought about that door with the rubber duck, the clearer it became: today was the day. The anxiety that made her want to crawl under the covers and hide was just that cracked part of herself cowering from this other part that could be whole.

  With the sound of Quinn’s return, Molly closed her eyes and filled her lungs. She knew what she needed to do, what her strength needed to win the war with her cowardice.

  As soon as he appeared at the top of the stairs, Molly exhaled and held out her hands.

  Quinn glanced down at her bag, then at her. ‘Is it me? Did I put too much on you? I should have known better.’

  ‘I’m ready,’ she announced, and went silent as she waited for understanding to show on his face.

  When it did, he set the bag at his feet and leaned against the door jamb. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘No,’ she said, and discarded the robe. She got to her feet and brought her bag to the bed. ‘I mean, I do and I don’t. I feel like it’s my day, too, but I won’t know if I stay here. I need to go home.’

  ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

  ‘Yes. God, yes, please,’ she said, and quickly slipped into a clean bra and panties, then followed them with a T-shirt. She pulled out a pair of jeans and slapped them against the bed. ‘You want to know something? What you said about ending it all today? I probably would have done the same thing. I might have made it for another year, living in that house and watching bills keep coming and avoiding Natalie’s room, but a point would have come when I’d say, “Fuck it” and just go to bed for the last time. I don’t want that for myself. You make me happy too. I’m happy when I’m with you and happy when I think about you, but I want to be happy all the time. I can’t do that unless I move forward and do this, or at least try to do it.’

  Quinn offered her a smile. ‘It sounds to me like you’re ready. Can you wait for me to shower?’

  She shrugged. ‘I’ve waited three years, I can wait another hour.’

  ‘I won’t be an hour.’ He stripped down and pointed to the en-suite. ‘You all right to get made up downstairs?’

  ‘I’m not getting made up today. If things go as planned, there’ll probably be crying, and my fine lines and wrinkles are a lot less scary than my raccoon eyes.’ She shook out her jeans, but rather than step into them she darted around the bed and followed him into the bathroom. ‘Quinn?’

  Leaning into the shower to turn on the water, Quinn tilted his head in her direction. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You make me want to live to be a hundred, too.’

  He grinned and held out his unoccupied arm. Molly stepped inside and kissed him, then squealed as he sprayed hot water on her.

  ‘You’re the worst,’ she told him as she made her escape.

  ‘And now you’re stuck with me.’

  * * *

  Molly traced the duck-shaped outline with the tip of her finger and smiled. The day she had put it up had been a happy day. Her dad had driven down from Brampton and helped Aaron put the crib and the changing table together. Husband and father had sniped at each other, one insisting the other was wrong when neither of them was right in the way they read the instructions, and Molly had wanted to throw the two of them out. Still, at the end of the day they had a cheerful blue room with white curtains and hot-air balloons over the changing table with baby bedding that almost matched. Her father and Aaron had made peace over a beer, and Molly had eaten a pint of chocolate ice cream mixed with half a jar of peanut butter. Before bed, she’d put the sticker on the door and written Natalie on it in chunky blue marker.

  She slipped her other hand in Quinn’s as she reached for the knob, and squeezed down as she turned it.

  ‘Still ready?’ he asked.

  She nodded, and pushed the door open.

  Everything was the same as it had been the night Aaron had come for his hockey gear, and it depressed her. In the late-afternoon sunlight, made blazing by the snow outside, she could see the film of dust that covered everything.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ she murmured and massaged her forehead. ‘What a mess.’

  ‘It’s OK. We’ve got a bucket and some sponges. Once we move some stuff around, it’ll be a quick clean.’

  ‘It’s not that.’ She leaned against his shoulder and groaned. ‘How did I let it get to this?’

  He shook his hand free and placed his arm around her shoulders. ‘Remember what I told you: we all have rooms like these.’

  A growl came from their feet. Scot gave them both a derisive look, then strutted over the pile of unopened bills.

  Molly sighed as Scot disappeared into the mess. ‘I hope he doesn’t think this means he gets his own room. All right, let’s do this.’

  She stepped into the room, only to be pulled back into Quinn’s arms.

  ‘Are you really sure this is what you want?’

  ‘What I want is to close my eyes for ten seconds, and then have all this magically cleaned out when I open them.’

  ‘I’m a little worried you’ll regret doing this, that you’re pressuring yourself because I’ve laid so much on you.’

  ‘God, no. I mean, you getting excited about the future has given me a kick in the ass, but I needed it. I have to do this, whether I want to or not.’ She stepped back inside and pulled him along with her. Once over the threshold, she ran her hand along his bicep. ‘I hate to tell you this, but it’s your job to haul the furniture out.’

  The furniture went first, along with a wicker basket Molly filled with the credit-card bills she’d ignored for so long. They said very little during the process, save for Quinn asking for some direction and Molly giving it. She didn’t say anything at all as he dismantled the crib and the changing table. She just stood looking over his shoulder, rubbing her arms and telling herself it was the right thing to do every time she felt the urge to tell him to stop.

  Once the room was empty, Molly threw up her hands and declared she’d had enough for one day. The pieces of furniture were returned to the room, and two cans of leftover eggshell paint were placed in the centre to remind her in the morning that the job wasn’t finished yet.

  ‘So what happens next?’ Quinn asked once they were slumped at the kitchen island with a six-pack. He snapped the cap off hers and then his, then slid the cold bottle into her hand.

  Molly took a sip, then rested her chin on her hand. She was emotionally and physically exhausted, but she felt lighter.

  ‘I guess I paint the room, call Aaron to see if he wants any of the stuff, and whatever is left I try and sell on one of those classified sites.’

  ‘Are you going to sell the house?’

  She nodded. ‘I guess I am. I can’t afford to buy Aaron out, and I can’t pay for it on my own. I don’t even know if I want it. The whole reason I was holding onto it was because of that room, and now that’s empty I don’t feel that attached to the house any more.’

  Quinn scratched the edge of the label. ‘You could move in with me.’

  ‘In your abominable apartment with the cold view and the ugly –’

  He gave her leg a gentle punch. ‘I thought we already established the consequences for talking shit about my apartment.’

  ‘Is that supposed to be a deterrent? My ass is telling me otherwise.’

  ‘I meant move into a place we could have together, that fits both of us. A house, for you, but in the city so I don’t go catatonic in the suburbs.’

  Molly raised the bottle to her lips and laughter sputtered out as she took a drink. ‘Are you asking me to move in with you?’

  He wiped at the mess in front of her with the sleeve of his hoodie. ‘Yeah. I mean, why not?’

  ‘We’ve known one another for less than two months.’

  Quinn leaned over. ‘Since when are we playing by the rules?’

  Her second attempt at taking a drink was more successful. She let the beer fizz in her mouth a moment before swallowing.

  Good point, she thought.

  The gigolo and the chambermaid. They’d broken all t
he rules from the start, hadn’t they? She shouldn’t have met him in that hotel room, but she had done it. She shouldn’t have met him a second time, but she’d done that too.

  She hadn’t been compelled. He was no sorcerer. She’d gone in with eyes wide open and kept them open for every single rebellious step.

  ‘We could do that,’ she said at last, and wrapped her arm around his. His skin was still damp from exertion and he smelled a little funky, but she didn’t mind. ‘We could definitely do that.’

  * * *

  Despite the lazy morning, the afternoon had taken it out of Molly. Still, as she looked at her doppelgänger in the mirror while she brushed her teeth, she felt all right. A little torn around the edges, but alert and expectant.

  She went through the house, slippers shuffling on the cold floor, to check the locks and kill all the lights. On her way back to the bedroom, she dipped her head into the doorway that had been closed for so long. It was just as bright in the moonlight as it was in the sun. It gave her a weird feeling to be in there and see it in this condition, but not an unpleasant feeling.

  She reached for the door handle and started to draw it closed, then stopped herself. She didn’t need a closed door. She opened her hand and let the door swing back open, then turned down the hall.

  A laugh erupted at the sight that greeted her: Quinn lying across the bed with her iPad in front of him, the blankets drawn back and pushed down to his thighs. Scot rested on Quinn’s back, furry head buried in the crook above that round ass.

  Quinn glanced over his shoulder as she entered. ‘Just to be clear, I’m not really a cat person.’

  ‘Tell that to the cat growing out of your ass.’

  She kicked her slippers under the bed and shuffled across the mattress on her knees. The jostling roused the cat, and after a venomous look he leapt off Quinn and strutted into the shadows.

  Molly took his place and straddled Quinn’s hips. ‘I hope I don’t have to compete with a new obsession with mystery games.’

  ‘I’ll pace myself.’ He slid the tablet onto the nightstand and moaned a little as she kneaded his shoulders. After a moment a laugh bubbled out of him. ‘You’re not wearing panties.’