The Soldier's Sweetheart

by Soraya Lane

  He just knew it.

  It was as if the bullet fragments left in his calf locked in memories that he would forever be powerless to forget.

  * * *

  Sarah’s kitchen table was covered with papers and she had no idea where to start. Or she knew where to start, but her mind wasn’t on the task.

  She slumped down until her forehead met the cool of the wooden table and put her hands out palms down. Her life was a disaster. A complete, utter disaster. Everywhere she looked she seemed to see happy couples or pregnant women, like what she couldn’t have was haunting her. Which was stupid, because she knew there were plenty of other options, even if she wanted to adopt or foster kids on her own one day.

  And then there was Nate.

  Argh. There had always been Nate, tucked away in the back of her mind if he wasn’t right there at the front of it. Her marriage had ended because of plenty of things, but her not being able to fall pregnant had been a major reason. But if she was true to herself, she’d never felt for Todd what she’d felt for Nate. She’d always known it, but Todd was here and Nate had left her, and she’d tried to be a good wife to her husband, done everything within her power to make her marriage work.

  But not being able to get pregnant hadn’t been something she could control, and even though she’d slowly come to terms with it, her husband never had.

  Her phone rang, its shrill noise making her jump and smack her knees on the table.

  “Ouch!” She padded barefoot across the timber floor and reached for it. “Mom, I’m fine. Honestly,” she said as she pressed the phone to her ear.

  “Sarah?”

  The deep, silky tone of the voice on the other end made her mouth go dry. Walking-through-the-desert-all-day kind of dry.

  “Nate?” she asked, knowing full well that it was him on the other end. When he’d first left and she’d been under the illusion that he’d return, she’d held her breath waiting for the phone to ring. To hear that sexy-as-hell voice on the other end of the line. Now, his tone was an octave deeper, more a man now than the young guy who’d left back then. But it was undeniably Nate.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” he said. She could hear the faint whisper of his breath as he paused and exhaled. She hadn’t expected to hear from him at all.

  “Are you okay?” she asked. Something must be wrong for him to be calling her.

  “Can I come and see you, Sarah? Meet up with you somewhere?” he asked.

  Sarah nodded before realizing that he couldn’t see her. She didn’t regret what she’d said to him yesterday, because it had been the truth, but they did need to clear the air between them properly. “Of course. Let’s avoid town, though, shall we? I don’t need the gossip mill firing into life over me again. Come to my place and we can have a coffee or something.”

  “I’ll see you soon.”

  He hung up the phone and left Sarah with a shiver that patrolled its way up and down her spine, over and over again. She took a moment to collect her thoughts before walking calmly over to the desk and gathering up the papers she’d been shuffling.

  She had plenty of time to organize the festival over the summer break, that wasn’t the problem. But having Nate in her home? In the house she’d shared for so long with his friend? Now that was something she’d never be able to prepare for no matter how long she spent trying.

  Maybe Nate was coming over to apologize, maybe it was something else entirely. Whatever the reason was behind his wanting to meet, though, she wanted her house to look presentable and she needed to have something to put out for him to eat.

  Sarah glanced at her wristwatch. If he left the ranch soon it gave her less than fifteen or twenty minutes. Forget the house. If Nate was coming over, she wanted to look good. If her place was a little messy, then so be it.

  She’d spent years wishing she could show Nate what he was missing, that she could make him remember what they’d had, to make him regret leaving her. Ending things the way they had. Because no matter how much he blamed her for becoming an item with his friend, he’d pushed her to it. If Nate hadn’t left her, then she would have waited for him. But a girl couldn’t wait forever, and she hadn’t.

  Nate had been the love of her life, but she’d wanted a family so badly, wanted to build a life here in the town she loved with someone she loved. The only problem was that she’d been missing one vital ingredient: Nate. Marrying Todd had been one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  NATE knocked at the door and stood back. He didn’t really know what he was doing at Sarah’s place or how he was going to apologize, but after the hour he’d spent in his brother’s company he knew he had to do something.

  Holt hadn’t said or done anything wrong, but that was half the trouble. It was what he wasn’t saying, the questions in his gaze, the uncomfortableness between them, that was eating him up from the inside. When all he wanted was to be around someone who treated him like there was nothing wrong.

  He had no idea why, but Sarah was the only person he seemed able to tolerate right now, to be himself around, and yet he’d done a great job of trying to push her away already. When all she’d wanted to do was be there for him.

  He stepped up to knock again just as the door was flung open.

  “Hi!” A flushed-faced Sarah smiled at him from the doorway.

  “Hey.” Nate tried not to shake his head. He’d been brooding most of the afternoon and yet seeing Sarah had somehow made him want to smile again. Her hair was in a ponytail that was curling over her shoulder like she’d just been playing with it, her eyes bright even though he’d expected her to be angry. He would have forgiven her for still being wild with him.

  “Come in,” she told him, turning her back to lead the way. “Sorry about the mess but—”

  Nate caught her wrist before she could take another step, forcing her to spin around. He kept the contact loose, his fingers curled around her soft skin, thumb stroking the base of her hand. “Sarah, I’m sorry,” he said, not wanting to wait any longer when bringing up what had happened would be even more awkward. He needed to clear the air now while he still could.

  Sarah didn’t say anything. Her gaze was trained on his hand and Nate couldn’t read her expression. Was she scared of his touch? Scared that he would physically hurt her again? He hoped not. And he certainly didn’t want to hurt her with his words, either.

  “I hope you know that I would never hurt you intentionally, Sarah.” He took a deep breath, tried to find the right words, struggling to express how he was feeling. “What I said to you yesterday was rude and uncalled for, and I hate that I...”

  She looked up when he stopped. “What?”

  Nate squeezed her hand tight, then took a step back. “I hate that my dreams are so real, so vivid, that I don’t even realize they aren’t real. When I woke up and you were holding me, I freaked out. I thought I was back in Afghanistan, that you were the enemy, and instead all you were trying to do was help me. It’s like I lose myself sometimes and it’s hard coming back from that, but I am getting help for it. I promise.”

  Sarah’s honesty was something he’d missed, something he’d craved since they’d been apart. She’d never been scared to say it like it was, to tell him when he was being an idiot or point him in the right direction. And he could tell that was exactly what she was about to do now.

  “Nate, what you said before was the truth. I did take up with your friend, and it might have seemed fast to you because you were away, but I’d been on my own for almost two years. Two years of not being with you. So when we ended our relationship it was different for me than it was for you. It felt like it had been over for a long time when we finally called things off, and I was just so angry with you.”

  Nate swallowed. It was the truth, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. “Let’s not go t
here,” he suggested, hoping she’d agree. “Let our past stay in the past.”

  Sarah’s smile was bittersweet. “I was hoping the same thing, but you brought it up, Nate.” She raised her shoulders in a modest shrug. “Now we’ve started I think we have to clear the air.”

  She was right. “Bourbon again?” he asked.

  Sarah laughed, the moment of humor making her entire face ignite into a burst of happiness. “After the headache I woke up with? I think we’d best stick to coffee. And while we’re apologizing, I’m sorry, too, Nate. I never should have slapped you.”

  “Forgiven,” he told her. “And I probably deserved it, anyway.”

  Nate followed her into the kitchen and sat in the chair closest to the counter. He watched as Sarah moved gracefully to the refrigerator and back again, before pulling down two cups for their coffee.

  “What?”

  Nate stopped thrumming his fingers on the counter. He hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it until Sarah had spoken. “Huh?”

  “What’s wrong? You’re staring at me and playing my counter like it’s an instrument.”

  He grimaced. “Old habit. Sorry.”

  Sarah set his cup in front of him and moved around to the other side of the table. She sat down, fingers dancing around the handle of her own cup before letting out a big sigh. “Nate, what are we even doing here?”

  “You mean right now?” he asked, not sure where she was going with her sudden line of questioning.

  “I mean now, today, yesterday.” Sarah shook her head and blew on her coffee to cool it before looking up at him again. “Why are we even putting ourselves through this?”

  He wished he knew. “I don’t know, Sarah, but what I do know is that it’s been nice seeing you again. Not that you’d know it, from the way I’ve been acting, but you’re the first person I’ve seen in a long while who’s...”

  She held her cup dead still, midair, and stared at him. “Who’s what?”

  Nate swallowed a hot swig of coffee, grimacing as it burned his mouth and throat. “You’ve made me feel something again, Sarah, and I haven’t experienced that in a long while.” There, he’d said it. “Even if we get angry at each other, at least I was feeling something.”

  Sarah slowly put down her coffee. “I don’t understand.”

  He didn’t know how else he could explain it. “I’m not into talking about my feelings, Sarah, you know that.”

  She looked down. Nate could see the disappointment all over her face.

  He shook his head. What the hell was he even trying to achieve talking to her about all this?

  “I’ve been angry, happy, sad—all those things since I saw you the other day, and nothing has even made me feel in such a long time. I just want you to know that somehow you’ve helped me. That’s all.”

  She met his gaze, a shy smile back in residence on her face. “I saw Todd yesterday.”

  “He’s here?”

  “Yup. With his pregnant girlfriend, too. We were supposed to meet yesterday evening but he’s put it off until tomorrow. Thankfully he left a voice mail for me, so I didn’t actually have to speak to him.”

  Now Nate was angry. Real angry. It wasn’t his place, but... “Do you want me to teach him a lesson?” Just thinking about him breaking Sarah’s heart was enough to fill him with rage. His hands balled into fists beneath the table, just like they had the other night when they’d spoken about his former friend. But showing his face around here with his girlfriend?

  “No,” Sarah told him, her eyes never leaving his. “I hate that I’m about to become a divorcée, but the truth is that I wasn’t in love with Todd—I hadn’t been in a long time. I was ready for a fresh start, so him leaving wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. It was how it happened that stung.”

  Nate’s pulse started to race. He shouldn’t care, but hearing Sarah say that, telling him that she wasn’t in love with her husband, was seriously affecting him. “So you’re okay with seeing him back here?”

  Sarah started playing with her ponytail, a sure sign that she either wasn’t telling the truth or that she was struggling with...something that he couldn’t figure out yet.

  “It’s not him, it’s...” Her voice trailed off.

  “What?” he asked.

  Sarah sat back and started sipping at her coffee. “Nothing, forget I even said anything.”

  Nate was curious, but he wasn’t going to pry. “You sure you don’t want me to rough him up a little? Scare him perhaps?”

  Sarah rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I want you to beat the guy up and end up in jail for assault. That would really help me out.”

  He held up his hands, pleased that they were at least having a civil conversation. After the way things had gone the day before, he’d have understood if she didn’t speak to him at all, let alone sit in her kitchen joking around.

  They sat in silence, both sipping their coffee. It didn’t seem to matter that they weren’t talking because it didn’t feel strained, but he’d come here to ask for more than just her forgiveness.

  “Sarah, when I told you that I’d help you out with Todd, if you needed me to pretend that we were something more, I wasn’t joking.”

  Her cheeks flushed, stained such a pretty pink that he had to look away. He hadn’t meant to embarrass her.

  “You don’t need to do that,” she told him, looking out the window like there was something she was interested in outside.

  “Sarah?” Nate resisted the urge to reach for her hand, but he at least got her attention enough to make her turn back. “The reason I’m offering is because I need your help, too.”

  That made her turn her body back toward him. “With what?”

  Nate took a big breath, hoping he’d know how to ask her in the right way. “I agreed on a full family dinner tonight, and the last one didn’t exactly go well on my first night back,” he admitted. “I was hoping that you’d come with me, just so, you know.”

  Sarah looked confused, but she collected their empty cups from the table and walked them into the kitchen instead of staying seated across from him. “Are you saying that you want us to pretend to be back together again, for real?”

  Nate cringed. When she said it like that it didn’t sound so great. “It would help me out if the heat was taken off me a bit, that’s all. And I don’t want to lie to anyone—I just want to take you with me. It’ll be kind of like the other night, but with a few more Calhouns and me on better behavior.”

  She laughed as she put the cups into the dishwasher. “It sounds to me like this would put a heap of heat on you.”

  Maybe, but... “It would take the heat off them asking about what happened to me before I came home, and about my leg and...” He paused. “I wouldn’t be asking you if it didn’t mean a lot to me. You don’t owe me anything, Sarah, but I’d really appreciate if you would come.”

  Sarah stopped moving then and stared at him, long and hard. “If I say yes, you’ll have to agree to my terms, too.”

  Right now he would agree to anything if it meant her coming with him to dinner. “Shoot.”

  “I want you to promise that you’ll tell me about what happened before you came home, when you’re ready.”

  Nate shut his eyes, pushing the inferno of memories away, the ball of fire that was so hard to shut out. “That’s not something I can promise,” he told her, forcing his eyes to remain open, to ignore the thoughts starting to circle his mind like vultures.

  “Well, you’re going to have to if you want my help,” she insisted, all businesslike, as if they’d been bartering nothing more than goods.

  Nate stared at her, long and hard. Why did she want to know so bad?

  Sarah smiled. “On second thought, perhaps you were right about Todd. If I’m going to help you out, then maybe I shoul
d take you with me when we meet tomorrow.”

  * * *

  Sarah watched Nate and hoped she hadn’t pushed him too far insisting that he talk to her about his injury, but she knew that if she didn’t no one else would. His family had clearly gone about it in the wrong way, and she had no intention of making the same mistake twice where Nate was concerned.

  She’d tried being passive, but he wanted her to do something for him and she had to use that leverage if she had a hope of actually helping him.

  “Yes to the second condition.”

  Sarah took a step closer, planting both hands on the counter and leaning toward him. “Yes to both,” she insisted. “This isn’t a negotiation here, Nate, it’s all or nothing.”

  Nate scowled at her. “You must drive the kids in your classroom mad.”

  She shook her head. “I want to be there for you, Nate, and I’m not going to force you, so at least say that you’ll try to tell me about what happened. What you can, when you can.”

  He stood, his large frame seeming massive in her kitchen. The table was like a child’s version with him standing beside it, his height and breadth making her want to back down. Fast.

  “Fine,” he snapped. “But if I do deck your idiot husband when I see him, you’ll only have yourself to blame for making me so angry.”

  Sarah touched her hand to his arm as she walked past him again. She knew it must be hard for him to think about Todd, doubted they’d ever spoken again since she’d started a relationship with him.

  “Do you wonder how things would have turned out, if I hadn’t left?”

  Nate’s husky-voiced question took her by surprise. She spun around, slowly, wishing she was in the middle of doing something so she didn’t have to stand so close to him and look into his eyes when she answered.