The Soldier's Sweetheart

by Soraya Lane

“Often.” She didn’t know what else to tell him. Did he want to know how much she’d craved him? How many times she’d wished the man lying in her bed beside her had been him? How badly she’d hoped he would change his mind and come back for her?

  “Do you think we’d have lasted? That we’d be married with a brood of kids?” Nate asked.

  Sarah stared into his eyes. Into eyes that still seemed to have a pathway straight to her heart, that made her want to throw her arms around him and whisper in his ear that everything would be okay. That they could go back in time and change what had happened.

  But it wouldn’t have mattered if Nate had stayed or not, because they would never have had the family they’d often talked about, that he’d wanted.

  “I don’t know, Nate, maybe,” she lied. “But let’s not dwell on what could have been. It’s not like you’re never going to have the chance to marry a nice girl and have a family one day.”

  He chuckled. “You say it like it’s a possibility for me and not for you.”

  Sarah did her best to keep the smile plastered on her face, to not let it waver. “I don’t think that’s what I want anymore, Nate,” she lied.

  She wasn’t fooling him. “You were made to be a mom, we both know that.”

  Sarah bit her bottom lip to stop it from quivering, dug her nails into her palm. This was not a conversation she was ready to have with anyone, let alone Nate Calhoun, the man she’d always dreamed of starting a family with.

  “Things change, Nate,” she told him, willing her voice not to crack. “Sometimes we don’t get what we want.”

  He stared at her, his eyes narrowing. He didn’t believe her any more than she believed herself.

  “So dinner tonight, right?” she asked, doing her best impression of happy, as if his line of questioning hadn’t bothered her at all.

  Nate cleared his throat. “Yeah.” He gave her another long, hard look before shaking his head slightly, like he was accepting that their conversation was at a close. “Want me to swing by and pick you up?”

  She shook her head. “You don’t need to come all the way out here to get me. How about we meet at your place?”

  Nate brushed past her as he made for the door, and she had to stop herself from reaching out and pulling him back. Part of her was so desperate to go back in time, to rekindle something with Nate, but the realist part of her knew it would be a mistake.

  He was a different man now, but he still deserved to be a dad. Even if they miraculously could rekindle what they’d had, it wouldn’t work long term, and she couldn’t bear her heart to be broken again. She’d already taken about all the heartache she could handle for a lifetime, and having to tell Nate that she was incapable of having a child, of their relationship slowly breaking down like her marriage had, wasn’t something she could ever prepare herself for. Just because she was at peace with her infertility didn’t mean he should have to be.

  “I’ll see you tonight, then,” she said, leaning against the doorframe as he walked out onto her porch.

  Nate turned, landing less than a foot or two away from her. She had to tilt her head back slightly to look up at him, to see his face, to watch the changing expressions there. He bent, so close, and Sarah shut her eyes. Lost herself in the faint scent of his cologne, of the feel of his body so near to hers.

  Nate placed a featherlight kiss to her cheek, his lips hovering for longer than necessary, enough time for a shiver to trawl its way deliciously up and down her back, goose bumps tickling her skin.

  “See you later,” he said, voice low as he stepped away.

  Sarah smiled, wrapping her arms around herself to stave away an imaginary coolness that was making her shiver. “Bye.”

  She watched as Nate walked through her front gate and around to the driver’s side of his 4x4. His side profile was strong and masculine, his frame easily filling one side of the cab. He was so messed up from whatever had happened to him, far from the guy she’d known, but then he went and did something like that and made her realize that the Nate she’d once loved was still hiding in there. Somewhere.

  Sarah smiled as he waved, hoping that he wouldn’t notice the tears silently running down her face. She was powerless to stop them, unable to swallow away the emotion building with fury within her.

  What had she done to deserve so much pain? Why had the man she loved so much left her, and then come home so damaged? Why was he finally home, finally within reach after so many years, and yet still so far away?

  She shut the door, kicked off her shoes and made her way to the bathroom. Just because she was feeling sorry for herself didn’t mean she wasn’t going to look good. Being by Nate’s side again, around his family, might be bittersweet but it wasn’t exactly going to be difficult. She’d spent years around the table in the big ranch house, been part of their family on more occasions than she could ever count.

  She’d loved Nate with all her heart once, and if she was honest with herself she doubted she’d ever stopped.

  CHAPTER NINE

  NATE was exhausted. Bone-achingly, mind-shatteringly exhausted. He let his head drop into his hands, fighting the fatigue that he battled on a daily basis. Why wouldn’t his mind just shut off? He couldn’t stop thinking about Sarah wanting him to talk, but if it was this bad inside of his own head, how would he ever cope with telling the truth? With speaking it out loud?

  He ran his hands through his hair—hair that was still shorter than he’d once worn it. Back when he’d lived on the ranch, before he’d joined the army, his brother had always made fun of him, called him Goldilocks. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

  A knock made him rise, shaking him back into action. If only he could sleep, could actually fall into a deep slumber for an entire night and not be thrown back into the world he was trying so desperately to escape from, maybe he wouldn’t feel like such a zombie.

  Right now, though, he had to pull himself together and deal with seeing all his family again for dinner, and figure out what the hell was eating Sarah up so bad. It was more than just Todd, he could sense it. Her idiot husband had sure caused her some definite heartache, but she was upset over something deeper than just her marriage failing.

  Wow.

  “You look amazing.” Nate didn’t even try to disguise it as he looked Sarah up, then down. She was more beautiful now than the day he’d first met her—there was a maturity to her face, to the way she held herself, that made her even more striking.

  “You don’t look so bad yourself,” she said to him. Nate could see the blush creeping over her cheeks, though, knew that she was struggling with his compliment.

  “I don’t really think my jeans and shirt put me in the same league as you, but thanks.”

  She was wearing a dress, cut low enough on her chest to make his mind race in a different direction, but brushing the tops of her knees to make it more demure than he’d have preferred. Still, he more than liked it.

  “Is it too much?” Sarah asked, her eyes flashing with what he guessed was concern.

  Nate chuckled, forcing himself to look off into the distance for a split second, to stop thinking about how enticing the woman standing at his door was. How jaw-droppingly beautiful Sarah was. “Sarah, you look great. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been around men for so long, but I’d forgotten how...” He paused, not wanting to embarrass her or say the wrong thing. “You’re beautiful, Sarah, absolutely beautiful.”

  She stared at him before punching his shoulder softly. “Nate,” she groaned.

  He grabbed her hand before she could withdraw it, his reflexes fast. His fingers curled tight around her wrist, holding it against him, her knuckles still brushing his right shoulder.

  Nate knew he shouldn’t have done it, that he should have just laughed and let her hit him, let her treat him like a brother or friend with her play punch
, but damn it, he had no interest in being a friend to her.

  Right now, he wanted more. A lot more.

  “Nate?” Her voice was a low whisper, but she didn’t move. Didn’t struggle or try to pull her hand from his viselike grip.

  He didn’t know what to say to her, but he knew what he wanted to do.

  Nate tugged her in closer, not letting go of her, forcing Sarah to pull up against his chest. She didn’t resist, but he could tell she wasn’t sure, either. Wasn’t sure what he was about to do, and he had no intention of keeping her guessing.

  Nate slowly moved her hand down, away from his shoulder, running his other arm up her body, caressing the small of her back with his fingers. She was a perfect fit against him, her shallow breathing only spurring him on.

  He bent, inch by inch, until her chin tilted. Until her lips parted, inviting him, and he didn’t hesitate.

  Nate crushed her mouth to his, no longer gentle, needing to have Sarah against him, needing to feel her body tight to his. He fought against the urge to fist his hand in her hair, forcing himself to cup the back of her skull instead, to kiss her like he’d imagined kissing her all those lonely nights when he’d been on his own on the other side of the world. When he’d wished he’d been selfish enough to ask her to wait for him, so he could forge on with his career and know the woman he loved was still waiting for him back home. But asking her to keep waiting for years wouldn’t have been fair, and he’d loved her enough to want to set her free.

  Sarah’s low moan brought him back to reality, made him pull his lips away from her, to take a breath and think about what he’d just done.

  But Sarah had other ideas.

  Nate found himself staggering backward as Sarah placed a hand flat to his chest, pushing him backward with a force he hadn’t even imagined she possessed. Pain flashed through his leg as he took one more step, before finding his back pressed hard to a wall.

  Sarah’s hand was still holding him in place, but she never said anything. Instead, she reached up fast, her fingers twisting into his short hair, tugging him down, forcing his mouth to hers again.

  And he had no reason to resist.

  Sarah kissed him with a desperation that empowered him, that made him kiss her back with the same sense of recklessness, like they needed each other because their lives depended on it.

  Until she removed her lips from his as suddenly as she’d kissed him, taking a step away and letting her hand trail away from him.

  “Sarah?” His voice didn’t even sound like his own, was deeper and confused.

  She smiled and blushed beet-red. “I just need a minute to freshen up.”

  Then she walked away.

  Nate laughed. He laughed like he hadn’t laughed since he was a kid, tears falling down his cheeks as he stood alone, waiting for Sarah, wondering if he’d just imagined the fact that he’d been pressed against a wall in his own home and kissed in a way that had him desperate to call off dinner and take up where they’d finished off.

  He had no idea where that kiss had come from, but he sure as hell wasn’t complaining.

  * * *

  Sarah knew she was still blushing. Her embarrassment ran so deep that she was hot all over, and she could hardly bring herself to look at Nate. When she emerged from his bathroom, lipstick firmly back in place, they’d started walking up to the main house, but they hadn’t said a word.

  “Sarah, um...”

  Until now.

  “Please, Nate,” she insisted, cringing inwardly as she kept her gaze trained ahead. “I don’t know what happened before, so I think we should just forget about it.” She was starting to wish a hole would open up and swallow her.

  He chuckled. Nate was making fun of her! Right now she’d prefer quiet and brooding.

  “It’s kind of imprinted into my brain,” he admitted.

  When she didn’t so much as look at him he caught her hand, swinging her around and forcing her to stop. “Sarah, it’s not like we’ve never made out before.”

  She nodded, squirming on the stop as he watched her. Not like that.

  “Sarah?”

  Since when was he the chatty one? “I don’t know what happened back there, Nate, but can we please not talk about it?”

  He let go of her and raised both hands. “Fine by me. I’m just saying that we shouldn’t be all weird about—” he paused “—kissing.”

  Sarah groaned and started walking again. This was going to be an uncomfortable night, and not because she regretted what had happened between them. Kissing Nate had opened her eyes, made her realize what she’d been missing out on all these years, shown her why she and Todd had never been right for each other. Because Nate’s lips against hers had made her body tingle like a fire had been stirred to life in her belly, made her remember what it had been like when they were together.

  But it had also shown her what she would never have.

  * * *

  Nate took Sarah’s hand as they walked in the door. He’d hesitated, about to knock, then realized that it was about time he started acting like he was home rather than a stranger on the ranch.

  “You did tell them I was coming, right?” Sarah asked him as she gripped his hand.

  Nate quickened his pace to get inside, so she wouldn’t be able to explode once he told her the truth. “Not exactly. I figured surprising everyone would provide a good diversion.”

  “By letting me take all the heat?” she murmured.

  Nate tugged her into the kitchen, and almost instantly wished he hadn’t.

  Four faces turned their way, and they each held a different expression. Johnny smiled, like he didn’t realize what the big deal was. Jess shook her head slightly and grinned, like she knew something that no one else in the room did. Kathryn was shocked enough to see him hand in hand with Sarah that she stopped whatever she’d been doing at the counter, and Holt... Nate could have laughed at the expression on his brother’s face. When they’d been kids, he’d never been able to surprise his brother or do anything to shock him, anything that Holt hadn’t already done. But tonight? Holt was still holding his beer in the air like his arm had frozen before he’d been able to bring it to his lips.

  Maybe holding Sarah’s hand had been too much. Arriving with a date might have been shock value enough.

  “I hope we’re not late,” Nate said, unsure what else to say to announce their presence, to put an end to the empty silence in the room.

  No one said anything for a moment and Nate felt Sarah’s hand slide away from his. Damn. He’d definitely gone about this in the wrong way.

  “Nate, I’m so happy you decided to join us,” Kathryn said, breaking the silence and giving her husband a noticeable kick on her way toward him. The imaginary weight dragging Nate’s shoulders down was lifted as his brother ignored her and took a swig of beer instead. Kathryn reached them and leaned forward to kiss his cheek before touching Sarah’s shoulder. “You, too, Sarah. So long as no one wakes Izzy up, I’m sure we’ll have a relaxing evening.”

  He watched Sarah nod, but she was flustered. “I was just telling Nate off for not warning you he was bringing someone.”

  Kathryn shrugged like they hadn’t all received the shock of their lives when he’d arrived with a woman. “Don’t be silly. We have plenty of food and a massive table. And besides, we’re just pleased to have everyone together, right? The baby is down, the food’s almost ready, and the company’s great.”

  Kathryn turned to look at Holt, who seemed to realize he was expected to do or say something. “Yeah, it’s, ah, good to see you both.”

  “Sarah, that horse of yours is looking good. I did some more work with her today,” Johnny called out.

  He watched as Sarah seemed to relax, leaving his side to head toward Johnny and Jess. Nate looked away from her to see his brother w
atching him, like he didn’t know what to say.

  “Beer?” Holt asked.

  Exactly what they needed to settle things between them, shooting the breeze over a beer. “Sounds good.”

  He made his way over to where his brother had been seated and took the beer he offered when he returned. “Thanks for asking me over,” Nate told him, knowing he was going to have to make an effort.

  “Glad you could make it.”

  Nate didn’t want to talk about Sarah after the conversation he’d had with Holt that first day he’d seen her again, but he knew he had to say something. “I should have called ahead and mentioned I was bringing someone.”

  Holt laughed. “I don’t know if I’d call Sarah just someone.”

  Nate took another sip of beer, not sure what to say. It had been a long time since he’d just chatted like this and it was no longer something that came easy to him, especially with his brother. “It’s been nice seeing her again.” And he had to learn to open up, at least a little.

  “You two were always good together. Made some of us wonder why you’d up and leave....”

  “Don’t go there.” Nate hated the bite to his words but it was a knee-jerk reaction—he couldn’t help it. “There are plenty of things I wish I hadn’t done, Holt, and leaving here like that is one of them. I didn’t exactly manage to achieve the right balance.”

  They sat in silence, staring at each other. Nate stood. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

  Holt stood, too, but he didn’t look angry. He held out a hand instead, and when Nate didn’t clasp it he grabbed hold of his upper arm, looked him straight in the eye. “Nate, I know I seem to keep saying the wrong thing, but don’t walk away from us.”

  Nate stayed still, eye to eye with his brother. He knew the rest of the room had gone silent and he wished they were having this conversation in private. “There are things I can’t talk about, Holt, and I need you to respect that.” He was trying to stay calm but it didn’t come naturally to him anymore.

  Holt nodded and let go of his arm. “I don’t want to be the enemy here, Nate. The truth is we’re all pleased to have you back, even if things are a bit rough at the moment.”