Wayward Love

by Rhys Everly

  “…you gotta see it through. To take it seriously.”

  “I am,” I said.

  “Then why quit now?”

  “Because I can’t—”

  “I know sometimes things get hard or tricky. But that’s having a job for you. It’s what happens everywhere and what will happen in the future. But what you got with Andy—”

  “Can we not talk about Andy?” I snapped.

  “Did he do something? Did he say something? I’m sure you can talk it out.”

  Oh sure. I’ll just go back to work for him when he doesn’t want me there, doesn’t want me in his life, and give my everything for him when he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me.

  I’ll put my trust in him, be his servant and his play thing. All so I can get my stupid, fucking degree.

  Sign me up! I can’t wait.

  “If you want, I can talk to him and figure out a middle—”

  “I slept with him. I’ve been sleeping with him even though he’s my best friend’s dad. And now he doesn’t want anything to do with me because his son, my best friend, caught us kissing. There! That’s what happened,” I blurted, and I had to hold my breath, waiting for Gordon to react.

  He stared but didn’t say a word, and I stared at his desk as if it held the solution to all my problems.

  “I see,” he said eventually. “I don’t-I’m not sure what to say. What can I say?”

  I huffed.

  “Is there anything to say?” I said.

  “Well, there is a phrase, but I don’t think it’d be appropriate to say it considering your state.”

  “What is it?” I shrugged. “You can’t make me feel any worse than I’m feeling now.”

  Gordon pursed his lips contemplating before he opened his mouth.

  “They say don’t crap where you eat. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but we all learn it eventually,” he said.

  “Yeah,” I nodded and picked up my rucksack. “Consider this lesson learned.”

  I left Gordon’s office and walked through the corridors without purpose.

  I didn’t know where to go from here. I’d fucked up my friendship and now my degree. This degree meant everything to me.

  I was going to be the first in my family to finish higher education. I wanted to make my mom and my grandparents proud.

  Obviously I didn’t need a degree to start my own business, but it was my dream to have it.

  Just like it was my dream to find someone who loved me for who I am and who I could spend the rest of my life with, running a business, our business, together.

  Was I still an ass if that someone still had the image of Andy in my head?

  I wasn’t paying much attention to the people around me, which was how I went from walking in a huff with my chin attached to my chest to on the floor with all my paperwork flying about.

  When I looked up to see which miserable soul I’d crashed with, I found Nathan looking down at me.

  “I—” I opened my mouth to apologize, but I found it impossible to speak.

  Not after what I’d done to him.

  “Hey,” he said and knelt down to pick up my papers.

  “Hey,” I managed to breathe.

  “What’s up with you?” he asked with an arched eyebrow.

  Was he seriously asking me that question? Really?

  “Don’t you know already?”

  “What? Is my dad’s dick not good enough for you now that I know?”

  I expected the silent treatment. But I didn’t expect this.

  “Dude, relax. I was kidding. Jesus,” he laughed half-heartedly.

  “I tried calling, but—”

  But I didn’t have the balls. What would I say anyway? Sorry I fucked your father?

  “I know you never wanna talk to me again, but I’m sorry,” I said.

  “I’m talking to you now, aren’t I?”

  “Yeah, but not really. You’re just being polite.”

  Nathan sat down on the floor and leaned back on the wall.

  “I just don’t understand why, Kyle? You can have any guy you want, and you go and screw my dad? That’s a low blow, dude,” he said giving up his casual facade.

  “I know. I’m a terrible friend,” I said and sat down next to him. “I screwed up. I know. But I didn’t mean for it to happen—”

  “What? You just fell on my Dad’s dick by accident? Or did he fall on yours? Actually, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t need to know the details.”

  “We didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t mean to fall for him. I mean that shit only happens in movies, right? Falling in love with your best friend’s dad.”

  “You’re in love with him?” he asked.

  Could the earth kindly open up and swallow me whole? Please? Because this was the most embarrassing thing to have to admit.

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow. I-I thought you guys were just goofing around.”

  He looked away from me.

  “We weren’t. But whatever we were doing just propelled into something different real fast.”

  “You know what I’m most angry about? It’s not the sleeping with my dad part, although yes, that’s not cool. It’s not that you lied to me, although that hurt. It’s the fact you disappeared. It’s like you replaced me with my dad and forgot I was your friend.

  “I mean, I get it. I wouldn’t hang with you either if I had to lie about sleeping with your mom or something, but you couldn’t even bother being a friend to me to make up for the shit you were doing behind my back.”

  I reached out for his hand, but chickened out before I touched him.

  “I know.”

  “I knew there was something weird about your booty call last week. I knew those clothes looked familiar. And the car. But here’s the thing, Kyle. I needed my friend, too, and you weren’t there. I’ve got shit going on that you know nothing about. Because we haven’t hung out in forever. You bailed on me last Friday. I thought you were my friend. But now I’m doubting if you ever were.”

  Oh God that hurt. That hurt more than Andy’s betrayal.

  That wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted him to be angry at me. Not at himself for trusting me.

  I touched his knee and then hugged him before he flinched or pushed me away or walked away from me.

  “You were my best friend, Nate. You are! Don’t say that. I know I’ve been a shit friend. But I couldn’t look you in the eye. And I couldn’t stop from hurting you because…because I was so in love with him. I am so in love with him. And yeah, it feels shit admitting it, but God, Nathan. No one’s ever made me feel so wanted. So loved. I hate myself for what I did to you, but I hate myself even more because I miss him too.”

  Nathan hugged me back, and I didn’t expect it.

  “Shit. You really do love him, don’t you?” I nodded, still clinging on to him and him clinging on to me. “How does he feel about you?”

  The tears came before I had the chance to even stop them, and I went from trying to apologize to my friend and trying to convince him I was sorry, to him trying to comfort me.

  He rubbed his hand on my back and hugged me tighter.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said. “He broke it off. Even after all his promises.”

  “Wh-what promises?”

  “That he’d come out. That he wasn’t just using me for sex. That it wasn’t just an affair. That I made him happy,” I cried and I felt stupid.

  Crying in my friend’s arms, who hated me, while the rest of the college walked past us, staring.

  “And now I’ve lost you because of my stupid head and my stupid heart.”

  Nathan pushed me away, and I wanted to apologize again. To ask him to forgive me. To ask him for a second chance.

  But I didn’t need to.

  “You haven’t lost me, dude. I’m still here, aren’t I?” he said.

  “You are?” I asked.

  “I told you I’m more angry you haven’t been here for me. But if you make it up to me, I can
let the other shit go,” he smiled.

  “Really?” I mumbled.

  “Really,” he said. “I thought you were just screwing, but I can see you really are in love with him. And fuck me if I can stay mad at you for who you fell in love with. Especially after who I’ve fallen in love with,” he said, and my eyes shot wide open.

  I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my jumper and sniffed.

  “You’re in love? With who?”

  “Get your ass off the floor and I’ll tell you all about it. You’re buying lunch. Like, for the rest of our lives.”

  I chuckled and wiped more tears off my face.

  “Deal.”

  We got off the floor and picked up the papers I’d dropped.

  “Nathan,” I said when he started walking away. He turned and looked at me. “I really am sorry. You believe me right?”

  “I do,” he said.

  “So we can be friends again?”

  “We never stopped being friends, dildo. We were just going through a phase. But that phase is over,” he said.

  “Yeah?” I asked again.

  I was being needy, but could anyone blame me for needing reassurance after what I’d done to him?

  “Ohmygod! Yes! Now get in here because I’m dying to tell you all about the asshole I’ve been dealing with,” he said and opened his arms for another hug.

  It felt good to have my friend back. Sure, I had some more apologizing to do. But at least I hadn’t lost him. At least I had him.

  Even if my heart was wrecked to pieces that I’d never have Andy in it, too.

  I’d get over him.

  Just like I’d got over everyone else.

  Even if I’d never felt real love until I met him.

  Thirty

  Andy

  “The beer delivery isn’t here yet,” Rachel said when I came back to the bar to take a tray of drinks.

  “For crying out loud. What else is gonna go wrong today?” I grumbled. “Let’s cancel the whole damn thing already.”

  “We are not cancelling the best party this town has seen in months. I’ll drive to the brewery and pick up the kegs myself,” she said and grabbed her car keys.

  “Fine,” I said.

  The party was about to start, and we had no beer in the cellar.

  “And go get dressed already?”

  “Dressed? I am dressed,” I said.

  “You’re not going to your own Halloween party dressed like an ass,” she said.

  “I’m forty-three. I’m not dressing up like a kid. Also, fuck you.”

  “Why don’t you dress like the beast from Beauty and the Beast, because you’ve got the stinking attitude to match,” she retaliated. “What happened to you? You were all happy and excited and now you’re a big, bad grump again.”

  “Do you wanna get fired today?” I asked her as I was picking up the tray.

  “Ha. I’d like to see you try,” she said, waving the car keys in front of me and walking out of the bar area.

  I took the tray to the table waiting for them, and just before Rachel walked out the door, she shouted at me, “Go get him back, you miserable jerk. We know you miss him.”

  I looked at all my patrons who were now staring at Rachel and at me, probably making wild assumptions about me. Or the bar. Or both.

  “I’m gonna kill her,” I mumbled.

  I should have cancelled this party as soon as everything blew up last week.

  I had no business organizing a Halloween party when it wasn’t even my idea to begin with.

  Of course my brother and his agent chose that moment to come in and tell me the sound system wasn’t working.

  It was working fine earlier.

  “I’ll just cancel. I have no idea how to do this kind of thing. Maybe it’s a sign,” I said.

  “I’m sorry, big bro, but I’ve already announced this party everywhere and everyone will be here soon. I’m not cancelling because you’re having a drama queen moment,” Leo said, and I attempted to give him the most evil glare I could muster.

  But he wasn’t defeated. Instead, he laughed in my face.

  “So how are we going to fix the issue? Are you an electrician? Since when?”

  “No, but Dawson’s dad is. I’ll get Dawson to call him ASAP. See? Easy. Seriously. What’s with the drama, queen?” Leo grimaced.

  “I’m not a drama queen,” I told him.

  “Tell that to your attitude,” Leo snapped and walked away from me.

  How dare he call me a drama queen after everything that happened. I wasn’t being a drama queen. I was being realistic.

  If Kyle was here, he’d know what to do. How to fix everything. He’d have the solution for every problem.

  But he wasn’t. So this whole shit show was pointless without him.

  We didn’t need the party. The bar was doing well as it was. Thanks to Kyle’s changes.

  And how had I thanked him for making my bar popular again? By breaking his heart.

  What else could I do? I couldn’t choose between him and Nathan. My family came first. It had to.

  “Boss, we got a problem,” Johnny said and grabbed my arm.

  “What now?” I shouted.

  One problem became two, and two became a mountain.

  This was Kyle’s baby. His success. Hell, it was his bar. I’d failed to run my bar for a long time. It was only because of him that this was all a reality.

  If he were here, everything would be going like clockwork.

  But he wasn’t here. Not here to welcome the opening act. Or to get the entry tickets sorted. Or use his boundless creativity to decorate the place—Rachel had done a great job, but Kyle would have done even better.

  The party hadn’t even started yet and everything that could go wrong was going wrong.

  My son still hadn’t talked to me, my family kept their distance from me because of my attitude, and Kyle…

  I missed him like crazy. Missed him more each day. My life was empty without him.

  How could he have such a strong effect on me? We’d been together less than six weeks, but I couldn’t even picture a life without him in it.

  “Hey bro, I’m all yours this evening. What do you need me to do?” Mel asked an hour later when the bar was getting really crowded.

  Her hair was curlier than normal, and her face was painted in shades of greens and blues.

  The opening band was about to walk on the stage after Jeff successfully fixed the audio.

  Rachel was still not back, and I needed the extra hands, so I assigned her head bartender until Rachel returned.

  “What are you supposed to be dressed as? An alien?” I asked.

  “Excuse me! I’m a mermaid. What are you dressed as? Douchebag brother?” she said and took her esteemed position behind the bar.

  I meant to apologize to her, but she got busy serving a customer and I caught a glimpse of a giant cup with Nathan’s face somewhere in the middle and everything else became trivial.

  I waded through the crowd to make my way to him. It was impossible to lose him with how much space he was taking up.

  Maybe he wasn’t as mad as I thought he was. He was here, wasn’t he? Maybe he didn’t hate me. I’d tried to talk to him after dropping Summer off at school but he hadn’t been in. So my apology was still unsaid.

  When I got to him, he looked at me but didn’t say anything.

  “Nathan. Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” he said and scanned the bar, not paying me any mind.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I’m not here for you. I’m here because my friend organized this party,” he said and tried to walk away from me.

  “I know you’re mad at me. But I didn’t want to hurt you. I never meant to,” I said, stopping him.

  “You got a funny way of showing it, Dad,” he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

  “I know. I’m an asshole. What else can I say? I didn’t think I could ever fall in love again, let alone
with a man. I didn’t plan for any of this. Especially the hurting you part,” I said.

  Nathan flinched.

  “What do you mean fall in love? You love him?” he asked.

  I couldn’t lie to him. Not again. Not about this.

  “Of course I do. Why else do you think I’d do what I did? It’s impossible not to fall in love with him,” I said.

  Nathan put his hands on my shoulders and his face turned serious. Even more serious.

  “Don’t mess with me,” he said.

  “I’m not. I love him,” I said.

  “Does he know you do?”

  “He does. But it doesn’t matter now. It’s all over. I ended it with him because I couldn’t-I couldn’t do this to you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

  Nathan shook his head and mumbled something under his breath.

  “Are you okay? Are you gonna be sick?” I asked him.

  “So you love him, and he loves you. And I’m the third fucking wheel that’s come between you two—”

  “You’re not a third wheel,” I said.

  “Dad, you were both happy before I found out. I know, Yaya knows, the whole damn world could see how happy you made each other. And only when I had my hissy fit did everything go to shit. I’m the reason you’re both hurting.”

  “No,” I said. “My family comes before—”

  “Your happiness?”

  “I was gonna say—”

  “Kyle? If you could say it, you would have,” he said. “Go get him back, Dad.”

  “I can’t. I don’t want to hurt you. I know he means a lot to you,” I said.

  “You both mean a lot to me, Dad. And just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to be happy. Who am I to come between my two favorite people on this planet being happy?”

  “You’re my son. That’s who,” I said.

  “And Kyle is the one you love. So go get him back. Now. Before I decided you’re not good enough for him,” Nathan said and cracked a smile.

  Was he testing me? That was a cruel thing to do to his father, even after what I did to him.

  “You mean it?”

  “Dad, I haven’t seen you smile like that since Mom got sick. Yes, I mean it.”

  “What about you?”