Shameless (Loving Fallon Book 1)

by Delecroix, Cassandra

  “Blake…”

  “You need to figure out what you want,” he says quietly.

  “I already know.”

  His eyes hold mine. “I’m not content hiding anymore. That means going public and committing. Fallon, I can give you everything you’ve ever wanted. Commitment, stability, someone to count on… We’d be really good together.”

  “I want that too, Blake.”

  “Then let go of Nick,” he says bluntly.

  “It’s not that simple.”

  Blake makes a sound in the back of his throat, and he looks at me with disbelief. “I don’t mean to be a dick, but you’re delusional thinking you can date us both,” he says with controlled gentleness to offset the harshness of his words.

  “I know it sounds crazy,” I say steadily, refusing to give up just yet. “But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. There are a lot of people out there that have multiple relationships. If you would just do a little research on the topic, you’ll find that there are plenty of people who want more than just a monogamous relationship.”

  His lips part, and he looks like he’s at a loss for words. “You’ve been researching this stuff?” he asks slowly.

  “I sometimes use one of the library’s computers when I’m bored during lunch.”

  “Fallon,” he groans, letting his head fall back against the headrest. “Just because you read something doesn’t mean it can actually work.” His head lifts, and he looks at me again. “I get that you’re not used to being in a relationship. You’ve made that pretty clear, but just because you read something doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s right for you.”

  I shoot him a reproachful look. “Do not act like I have no clue what I am talking about. I’m not wanting it just because I read about it. I researched it because I already felt that way before I even read the articles. There’s a lot of people out there that have these types of relationships.”

  “Fuck.” Blake curses under his breath, and he looks at me with conflicted eyes. “Damn it, I’m not trying to belittle how you feel or make you feel bad for wanting this. I just…have you really thought through something like that? Do you have any idea how complicated it would be?”

  I nod. “There’d have to be some set rules.”

  His eyes search mine. “Fallon, I’m not going to warm up to the idea. I’m not comfortable with you seeing Nick.”

  “You were once close with Nick… I would think if you could tolerate anyone, it would be him.”

  “This is a pointless conversation.”

  I look away, staring out my window. I’m a fool to think that I can get Nick and Blake to agree to what I want. I just wish we had the chance to try it. If Nick has feelings for Blake, and if Blake might have those same feelings for Nick, wouldn’t that make all three of us compatible?

  “We need to go or we’ll be late. Am I dropping you off a block away from school?” Blake asks as he pulls out into the street.

  “Yes, please.”

  Blake makes no effort to start a new conversation. He’s upset, and now I’m starting to regret bringing up the subject. Both of them want me to open up to them, yet this is what happens when I do—at least with Blake. I haven’t really tried pushing the topic on Nick yet.

  Blake turns onto a side street near the school and pulls over to the curb. I reach over and touch his arm. “Blake, I really care about you.”

  “Apparently not enough,” he says bitterly.

  Tears sting the backs of my eyes, and I hold them back. “That’s not true,” I deny.

  He gives me a hard look. “Prove it. Choose me over Nick.”

  “Blake…”

  “Just go. I don’t want you to be late,” he says.

  There’s nothing more that can be said, and I climb out and watch him drive away. Then I turn and start walking. I just barely manage to make it to my first class on time, and the day seems to drag on as my heart weighs heavily in my chest.

  Is what I want really all that wrong? To me, it makes perfect sense. It just feels right, especially with Blake and Nick. I have this gut feeling that it could work, and that it might rebuild Blake and Nick’s friendship. Yet Blake thinks it’s wrong and unrealistic. Is it possible that my childhood messed me up so much that my thoughts on relationships are completely skewed?

  It’s not until after lunch that I get my first taste of real jealousy. I spy Blake at his locker, and Camilla is standing close to him, her hand on his arm as she talks.

  The bottom drops out of my stomach at the sight. I want to go over there and yank her fingers off him, declaring that he’s mine. As I watch Blake and Camilla, he flashes her that devastating smile of his. That smile crushes me, and it’s beginning to sink in that I’m going to lose him if I can’t help him feel secure in what we’re building.

  I draw in a deep breath and walk over to them, touching Blake’s shoulder. “Hey, Blake.”

  He’s momentarily rendered speechless by my sudden appearance, and he stares at me.

  “We’re having a private conversation,” Camilla pointedly says to me, giving me a look.

  I level her with a cool stare of my own. “And now you’re not.”

  Everyone in the hall is watching us, and it bothers me that we’re causing a scene, but there’s not much I can do. It’s either this or allow Blake to grow even more distant towards me.

  Camilla looks at me dismissively. “You don’t own him, and he’ll certainly never be yours.”

  I look up at Blake. “Are you mine?” I dare to ask.

  His eyes flare with approval, and he gives me one of his sweet smiles. “Completely.”

  “You were saying?” I ask Camilla, my eyes swinging back to her.

  Her eyes dart between me and Blake, and I can tell that she’s struggling to process what’s just happened and how everything had gone downhill so fast—at least for her.

  “I’ve moved on, Camilla,” Blake says gently, obviously not wanting to hurt her. Then he steps closer to me, slipping his arm around my waist.

  Camilla’s expression tightens momentarily, then she smiles snidely at me. “Good luck keeping him,” she mocks before walking away.

  Blake immediately turns to face me, his eyes searching mine. “Does this mean what I think it means? That you’re mine?”

  I bite my lip, not wanting to agree to something that I can’t commit to. “I don’t know.” I didn’t really think this through.

  His eyes narrow, and he cups my cheek with his hand before leaning down and kissing me in front of everyone. As usual, I lose myself to the sensation of his lips on my own, his tongue stroking mine. When I remember that we have an audience, I end the kiss and pull out of his arms.

  Blake smiles. “You are now.”

  It sinks in that he’d just kissed me to mark his damned territory, metaphorically speaking, and my eyes shoot daggers at him. “I am not a fucking dog,” I hiss.

  Regret flickers in his gaze. “Forgive me?”

  “I’ll think about it,” I say sourly, and then I turn and walk away before I can really let him have it. That’s when my eyes connect with Nick’s, and he’s staring at me from across the hall with a guarded expression on his face.

  Shit.

  ~*~

  “Can we talk? Please?” I plead with Nick, refusing to climb onto his motorcycle. We’re behind the tattoo shop, and Nick still plans on giving me a ride home, but he’s been extremely uncommunicative since Blake kissed me earlier at school.

  Nick gives me a brooding look from where he sits on the motorcycle. “What’s to talk about? You made your choice. Give me some time to deal, and then we’ll see if we can salvage the friendship we started.”

  “Nick, I didn’t make a choice.”

  “You kissed him.”

  “He kissed me!” I practically yell with exasperation.

  “It doesn’t matter who started the kiss. You guys went public, so that means you guys are together.”

  “That wasn’t what I was trying to do whe
n I approached him.”

  “Wasn’t it?”

  “I want you both!” I exclaim.

  Nick shakes his head, looking disappointed. “I get that you feel that way. I don’t blame you, especially with the way you were brought up, but what you want would never work.”

  “Think about it, Nick,” I argue. “You like Blake, and what if Blake’s attracted to you after all? That would make all three of us compatible.”

  “If he was attracted to me, he wouldn’t have shut me out. He never even gave me a chance to explain myself,” he says flatly.

  I look at him challengingly. “What if the kiss scared him instead?”

  Nick’s quiet now.

  “What if giving me a chance, therefore him, gives you the possibility to explore things with him? What if I can help open that door?” I reason.

  “First off, I didn’t plan to kiss him, it just happened. I don’t even know if I’d be comfortable doing it again, much less more. Second, Blake definitely wouldn’t be game for it, and lastly, wouldn’t that bother you?”

  “You mean you two hooking up?” I ask.

  “Hypothetically, but yeah.”

  I think it over before responding. Would I be jealous? No, I don’t think I would be, because they’d still be mine, and I’d be theirs. “No,” I say with an unwavering look.

  Nick’s expression says he doesn’t believe me. “You wouldn’t?” he asks doubtfully.

  “I’d have to be put in that position to really know for sure how I’d react, but just thinking about it doesn’t bother me.”

  Nick rubs his face. “Fallon, we’re only seventeen, going on eighteen. We’re too young to be even considering something as complicated as what you want.”

  “We’re old enough to have sex, right?” I persist.

  “Yes.”

  “Then we’re old enough to figure out what kind of relationships we want to build.”

  Nick reaches out, touching my hand with his. “Sweetheart, it’s not going to happen,” he says gently.

  I draw my hand from his and drop my head into my hands. “I know it sounds so crazy, but it’s all I can think about. There’s something inside me that won’t let the idea go,” I say miserably, my voice muffled.

  “Come here,” I hear Nick say. I automatically step closer as I peer at him, and he rises slightly, wrapping his arms around me. “Whether you like it or not, you’re going to have to decide which of us you want more.”

  Tears sting my eyes, and I press my face into his chest. I don’t want to make a choice. Don’t they see that it’s impossible?

  “I need to get you home,” Nick murmurs.

  I look up at him hopefully. “Can’t we do something?”

  “Not tonight.”

  I sigh, and knowing the subject is closed, I climb on behind him. Instead of watching where we’re going, I close my eyes and struggle with the realization that Nick is right. I am going to have to choose.

  When I feel Nick pull up to the curb, I lift my head and climb off as he cuts the engine. That’s when I see Blake’s Camaro parked in front of us, and my heart sinks. This isn’t going to lead to anything good.

  Blake climbs out from the driver’s side, and both Nick and I wait for him to approach us. Blake looks at Nick, his expression calm but unreadable. “She needs to choose,” he says simply.

  Nick nods in agreement. “I’ve told her the same thing.”

  They both look at me expectantly.

  A lump has formed in my throat, and I try to swallow past it. “It’s not that easy,” I say in a thick, emotional voice.

  “The second you two took things past the boundaries of friendship is when you knew that you would have to eventually make that decision, Fallon,” Blake chides.

  I glare at him.

  “It’s true, and you know it,” he says softly.

  Nick turns on me, gaining my attention. “We just talked about this, Fallon. You’re going to have to make a decision, you can’t put it off any longer.”

  I back away from the both of them, angry that they are siding with each other with the intention of pressuring me. “You both are complete asses if you’re expecting me to decide right here and right now.”

  Nick and Blake exchange a look.

  I’m done. I can’t deal with them right now. “Good night,” I say tightly. Then I turn and walk away towards the house, my stiff posture daring them to rethink any possibility of trying to continue this conversation further tonight.

  The second I climb into the bedroom and close the window, I drop onto the bed, tears falling from my eyes as I curl up in the darkness. Today was a complete disaster. I want what Blake wants so badly. He’s the light to my darkness, and yet Nick embraces the dark parts of me, and I like how he understands me. They both are special in different ways. How am I supposed to give one of them up?

  Nineteen

  I have no idea how Blake is feeling the next morning, so when I find him waiting for me at the corner, I hope that it’s a good sign. I silently climb into his car, worrying that if I say anything, it’ll start our conversation off on a bad note.

  “Here,” Blake says lightly.

  My eyes drop to the small tube of clear lip gloss that he’s holding out. I blink, accepting it and noting that it’s my favorite flavor, strawberry. “What is this for?”

  “Peace offering,” he says with a crooked smile. He then turns serious, and the weight of his gaze holds mine captive. “I was a bit of a dick yesterday. Look, I’m not trying to be insensitive to your situation, but it drives me crazy that you want him as much as you want me.”

  I hate that I am upsetting him, and my eyes lower to the lip gloss. Needing a moment to pull myself together, I twist it open and begin applying it. When I’m finished, I slip it in my backpack and look at him sincerely. “I’m sorry.”

  Blake sighs. “I don’t understand how this became so complicated in the first place.”

  I chew my lower lip, telling myself not to bring it up, that it’ll make things worse. However, I really need to know where Blake stands when it comes to Nick and the kiss. How can they let their friendship fall apart over it? “Nick told me that he kissed you,” I say carefully.

  Blake stiffens in his seat.

  “Did you like it?” I dare to ask.

  His expression shuts down, but his eyes deliberately stay on mine. “No,” he says emphatically.

  “Then all he did was make a mistake while intoxicated. Why can’t you forgive him?” I ask gently.

  “It changed everything, and that’s all I’m saying on the subject. What happened is our business, not yours.”

  “Yet what goes on between him and me is yours?” I can’t resist asking.

  Blake groans. “I don’t want to fight with you, Fallon.”

  “I don’t want to, either.”

  “Then let’s not talk about Nick.”

  “Fine with me,” I agree.

  His expression smooths out. “I have an away game tonight, and tomorrow evening I’ll be out of town with my parents.” He scowls. “I swear they are insisting I come with just to keep me from seeing you.”

  “They probably are.”

  “I need to stand my ground with them, but sometimes it’s just easier to go along with what they want.” His eyes lock on mine. “Except when it comes to you.”

  “Have they asked you to quit seeing me?”

  “Yes,” he admits.

  “What have you said?”

  “That you’re the best thing to happen to me in a very long time,” he says without any hesitation.

  My heart warms, and I can’t help but grin at him. “I feel the same way.”

  “Good, because I am done dropping you off a block from school,” he says firmly, his tone warning me that arguing is pointless. He pulls out onto the street, and I settle back in the seat, deciding it’s an argument that’s not worth having.

  Blake turns into the school parking lot and finds an empty space. After he cuts the engin
e, he looks at me. “This thing between us, it’s real, Fallon. Nothing about us is temporary.”

  “I know,” I say softly.

  He reaches out, brushing my cheek with his hand. “As much as you’re hating the pressure, you need to sort out what you want, the sooner the better.”

  I look away and his hand drops.

  “I want to be everything and all that you need. Give me the chance to be that for you.”

  ~*~

  “Fallon!”

  I’m just about to open the library door when I hear Nick call my name. I turn with surprise to find him walking towards me. The last time I’d seen him was when he and Blake had cornered me outside my aunt’s house, and I’m instantly wary.

  Nick walks up, his expression alert as his eyes meet mine. “Hey, hang with me for a bit?”

  He’s sought me out, and that has me feeling a little giddy, but I’m also perfectly aware that this has everything to do with what had gone down last night. I’m not willing to give up extra time with him though, so I nod and we both start walking down the hall.

  I follow him, and he leads me all the way to the back of the school, down a hall, and past a restroom. There’s a narrow stairwell that’s hidden around the corner, and he leads me up the stairs to a flat area that has a window with a bench below it before the stairwell turns and goes up to the second floor.

  “So this is where you spend your lunch?” I ask.

  “This is it,” he confirms. He sits on the bench, setting his backpack on the floor as he motions for me to sit beside him. “It’s too far out of the way, so everyone uses the other stairwell,” he explains.

  I sit next to him and look around. Up on the second floor, I see a hallway, but it appears to be empty. “I’m surprised you’ve managed to keep this to yourself,” I comment.

  Nick turns amused. “It hasn’t been easy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Some of the jocks tried to take it over at one point, but I refused to back off. Some couples still try to makeout here during lunch, but when they realize I’m not leaving, they wander off.”

  I draw my knees to my chest, letting my arms wrap around them. I like that Nick is sharing his favorite spot with me. He is definitely a loner at heart while Blake eats with all his friends in the lunchroom. I still can’t get over how opposite they are.