Without Hesitation

by CJ Azevedo

  “Mitch is proposing.” Her words exit her lips in a soft exhale, her eyes continuing to watch me as if she’s waiting for something.

  Hell, now I’m waiting for something. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

  “You’re getting married?” I blurt out. There’s no other way to handle this. There’s not going to be any pretending that I’m happy for her tonight. I’m not sure if she came over here looking for support from me or not, but she’s not getting it right now. I feel like I just got kicked in the gut. All of my previous thoughts of dealing with her moving on were a crock of complete shit now that I’m faced with the ultimate “moving on.”

  Macie turns her head away from me and sinks down into my sofa, rolling her neck from side to side a couple of times before answering, “Apparently.”

  This is her dream. Getting married to a family guy that’s devoted to her and wants a family as badly as she does is something she’s wanted since she was twelve. I assume he wants a family, at least; politicians usually have at least two perfect children. I actually don’t know anything about their relationship and suddenly I feel like a selfish prick for having not been around as her friend to make sure this is what she should’ve been spending her time on. Why the hell are they getting married so fast?

  I release her hand and grab the bottle back off the table, taking a large swig in preparation to ask a question that I need—I don’t want, but I need—the answer to. “You said yes?” My voice isn’t that of the strong man she came to for support. It’s shaky and making me vulnerable. Exactly three people have ever heard me sound like this and one of those people is hearing it again right now. The other two are my parents.

  Macie reaches for the bottle again, taking another swig, much less dramatically this time. I watch as she slides the bottle to rest between her thighs; it moves smoothly, without glitch, against the material of her yoga pants. Macie is always dressed up these days. Always wearing slacks, skirts, or dresses—this apple did not fall far from the tree—she’s Nancy James to a T lately. To see her in a form-fitting tank, yoga pants, and bare feet is refreshing. She’s always beautiful, always, but this is one of my favorite Macies. Relaxed. This, and her in a really good pair of jeans that hug her ass in just the right way, that’s my Macie.

  She turns to me with so much weariness, hurt, and sadness in her eyes. “Not yet,” she says carefully, judging my reaction, which was an unfair deep exhale. Obvious relief. “He asked my dad for permission tonight. My mom was so excited she couldn’t keep it a secret, so she called me.” She speaks carefully and slowly, as if she’s taking time to choose her words, watching me the entire time.

  Instead of taking another drink, this time she offers it to me and I take it. My heart is pounding a treacherous rhythm and I would do anything right now to make this conversation go away. I would do anything to take Macie to bed and just lie there with her, make plans with her for our future, hold her small, soft hand in mine and just breathe her in again. I want to carry her out of here, lock us away, apologize to her every day for the rest of my life, and make her believe that I can be what she needs me to be. I want to love her to where she has no doubt in her mind that I never stopped, because I haven’t. My love for her has only grown in time. She is everything to me, even if I’ve tried to prove to myself otherwise. In this moment, I know how very fucking wrong I’ve been. There is no getting over her for me.

  “What are you thinking, Grey?”

  As my eyes come back into focus at Macie’s whispered words, I realize that I’ve been staring at her this whole time. She wants to know what I’m thinking, but this isn’t something I can just blurt out to her. She’s obviously considering marrying him or she wouldn’t be here discussing it. I need to figure out how to convince her that I’m where she needs me to be. Hell, I need to do that for myself too, but first I need to make sure she doesn’t get married before I get my shit straightened out.

  “I’m thinking…it’s awfully quick, yeah?”

  Once again she sinks back, letting her body slump lazily into the sofa on a heavy sigh. “Maybe…but I’m tired of waiting for my life to start, Grey.”

  She’s been telling me this for a while now. She doesn’t want to wait for her future, she wants her future to be her present. The girl doesn’t have a lot of patience. I take that back; she held onto me until she couldn’t take it anymore. She showed more patience with me than anyone I’ve ever met. I guess she’s just at the end of her rope.

  Getting off the sofa, I slip to my knees in front of her and grip her thighs. The tightening of her muscles tells me she might be uncomfortable, but the silence of her mouth tells me she’s curious. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have come here tonight.

  “Butterfly, I also think you might be settling in order to get that life started that you want so badly. I admit I don’t know a whole lot about your relationship, but to me it seems like you’re rushing it for the wrong reasons and with the wrong guy.” I make sure to keep my voice low and as soothing as possible even though I feel like I’ve been eating sand. I hate this with every fiber of my being, but I know her about as well as I know myself and if I just go off on her and tell her this is a shit idea, she’ll rebel, storm out of here, and marry him tomorrow.

  My beautiful girl contemplates my words without arguing them for quite some time. She doesn’t cry, either, which almost bothers me more. She just lets the situation we’re in saturate us in a comfortable silence, neither of us breaking eye contact. Eventually, she sits up and strokes my face with her right hand as her left grips mine. “I’ll never have any other choice than to settle, since my perfect relationship will never be an option for me.”

  She is settling. And it’s because of me. I’ve been so pissed at her for taking away my future that apparently I’m the one handing out shit cards. And why am I never an option? The panic I feel deep in my chest, like my soul is catching fire, must be expressed on my face since Macie leans in and kisses my forehead first then brushes her long eyelashes against my cheek, giving me her adorable butterfly kisses. My hands glide up her legs, over her hips, then rest on her waist, where I grip her tightly enough to let her know I’m just barely hanging on. My breathing increases as I sit there, my eyes closed and her cheek pressed into mine, her head bowed. There’s so much to say, so much to work out, that I don’t know where to start.

  “You just fucked Allison. And I have an almost fiancé. We should go swimming or something.” Her bated breath trails across my ear in the most erotic way. She swallows audibly and then sits up to look at me.

  “Macie, shit, woman. It’s been years now. You would think it wouldn’t be that hard to not swear in front of me. Why do you have to defy that request at every turn?”

  Macie laughs then taps my shoulders, suggesting I stand up and get out of her way. “I’m going to go get my suit. I’ll be right back.”

  I watch her walk away from me, watch her hips glide from one side to the other and take note that she’s definitely not the teenager I started asking to not cuss. She’s a magnificent woman and I’m in a hell of a situation.

  Once I have my board shorts on, I go back out to find that she’s still not ready and go get the pool lights on. A few minutes later, she emerges from the house in just her bikini. The last one I bought her for her birthday. We weren’t talking really, but there was no way in hell I was missing her birthday. This year I just had it shipped to her house rather than giving it to her myself. I missed out on seeing her face when she opened it, the fashion show afterward, and the amazing sex instead of the thank you card I actually got. But seeing her walk towards me in it right now almost makes up for all of that missing out.

  “Stop looking at me like that. Did you bring out the vodka?”

  I clear my throat and look back at the table where I had set up some drinks for us. “Yeah, I did. I also brought some black cherry juice and a glass so you can stop chugging and cussing like a sailor. Maybe I can see some of my Butterfly come back.” />
  “Oh, I’m not that bad,” she scoffs. “You’re just ridiculous when it comes to things like that and me. You don’t seem to have a problem with Allison drinking and cussing.” She pins me with a stare that says she really doesn’t care what my answer is going to be, so I don’t bother with a reply other than shrugging a shoulder. “Speaking of which, Ava told me you’ve been dating more. I think that’s probably good. If you were going to get serious with Allison, you would have by now.”

  She sips on the drink I hand her, her eyes questioning me over the top of her glass. This time she does want me to respond. This time I really don’t want to.

  I set my own drink down and quickly step towards her, grabbing her at the waist and jumping into the pool while Macie screeches, sputters and kicks. Her left arm flails about behind my back, her right pressing her cold glass into my shoulder blade. When we resurface, her glass is missing, I’m laughing, and she splashes as much water at me as she can muster up. It doesn’t take but two seconds for her to join in and laugh with me.

  Before I know it, we’re tangled up in each other’s arms. Macie is wrapped around me with her head thrown back in laughter, water dripping off her chin and running down her neck. My breath catches in my throat and I stop myself from following that droplet any further down. It takes me back several years; it’s like we’re just kids again. If only we were.

  Pulling her closer to me, I know nothing has ever felt more right. Her hands slide from my nape to my shoulders as she stops laughing and her gaze meets mine. Her legs lock tighter around my waist and my hands find their way further down hers, landing on the underneath side of her thighs. Her expression turns concerned and she slightly shakes her head no. I smirk and nod my head yes.

  “I’m not going to cross any lines, sweetheart. I want to, but I won’t do that…” Changing my smirk to a mischievous grin, I think I’ll try to throw her off balance. “Unless you do it first.” I smile at her until she lets loose a heart-crushing sigh. I move in to kiss her nose. She closes her eyes and holds her breath. Pressing my forehead to hers, I whisper, “I miss you. So much, I miss you. I can’t lose you forever, Butterfly. We’re not finished yet. What we had…we just barely scratched the surface. We have so much to break into still, there’s so much for us, Macie. Don’t marry him. Dammit, don’t marry him.” To hell with pride; I’m losing it and I don’t give a damn. I know now more than ever that I need her in my life forever.

  Her exhale is harsh and the inhale is shaky. The two tears that leak from her closed lids do me in and I reach up to cradle her head to my chest in the most soothing way possible.

  She rests her head there on my shoulder for a couple minutes, hugging me as I s u nk us further into the water to avoid the cold wind on our wet bodies. The heated pool feels like bath water, but standing here the wind is frigid on our wet skin.

  “I think we’re already crossing lines,” Macie mumbles into my shoulder but makes no attempt to remove herself.

  “I guess that depends on who you’re asking.” Smoothing her hair back, I continue to feel anxious over the fact that she’s not responding to my plea. “Are you cold?”

  “Yes. But I’m not ready to give this up yet.”

  There’s my answer.

  She buries her frozen nose into my neck and clings a little tighter. I feel like the only thing holding me together is her arms around me.

  “You didn’t wait in the kitchen like I told you to. Did you park in the garage like I asked?”

  Macie nodded her head. “Sorry about that. I wasn’t thinking there was an actual reason for you being so bossy. Thought it was just natural.” Her voice was low and crackly, so different from just moments ago.

  “You’ll stay here then. We’ll behave, I promise.”

  Macie showers while I change the bedding and then I shower while she gets ready for bed.

  We don’t talk.

  It isn’t awkward.

  We never are.

  Once we’re settled in bed, I pull her close to me and we spoon like we have so many times before, only this time there’s a finality weighing on us. It hovers over us like in an invisible cloak, nearly suffocating the life out of me.

  “Are you truly in love with him, Macie?” My voice is muffled by her hair, which I have my face buried in.

  “Why don’t you like for me to cuss?”

  “Really? You’re going to deflect that question right now? That’s not the wisest decision, Butterfly.” I prop myself up on my elbow so I’m looking down at her.

  She doesn’t move and she looks so beautiful lying there on my pillow. “Do you really want to have this conversation, Grey? I think it’s best that we have tonight and I leave in the morning as if nothing happened. I need to marry him. It’s the safest choice for me and I wish you would leave it at that.”

  The safest choice for me.

  I have done so much damage to this girl that she’s marrying a guy she doesn’t love, that I don’t like, making the largest commitment of her life based on safety. Fuck. Me.

  I roll over onto my back and scrub my face as I try to process all of this. Initially I want to roll over the other way right on top of her to make her see reason. I’m fairly certain if she felt us back together she would know I’m right, there’s so much more left of us. But if I’ve really fucked up that badly, then I can’t go messing with her emotions when she seems so certain right now. I want her, yes. I need her, hell yes, but I also need her peacefully happy and if this guy does that for her, well then…shit.

  “Some time ago, I pissed you off pretty badly and it was like my beautiful Little Miss Perfect immediately vanished and in her place stood one hell of a Sexy Ass Vixen. That was the first time you unloaded the cuss word dictionary on me. At first, I was taken aback, not sure what to say, but then I was so turned on I could barely move.”

  Macie snickers next to me before she rolls over and rests her head on my chest. I run my hand down the length of her back and continue to do so as I thought of that morning that really started this whole thing with us, officially anyway. “That was the morning after your birthday when the guys found out about us.”

  “Yeah. I turned around to find that I wasn’t the only one affected by your dirty mouth. Dec was surprised, but I could tell the other two guys were as turned on as I was and it pissed me off, the bastards. I knew I couldn’t let that shit keep happening. Not only did I not want to worry about every guy within listening distance falling at your feet each time you let the f-bomb stumble out of your perfect mouth, I didn’t like it either. Before even that, you were the sweetest girl I had ever met and any type of bad word coming out of your mouth just didn’t work for me. You are the epitome of a lady, you always have been, and I don’t ever want that to change. No matter whose lady you are, you’re still a lady and you should act like it. Stop chugging vodka from the bottle when something freaks you out and watch that mouth of yours. Yeah?”

  I felt her head moving on my chest and then a whispered “Yeah.”

  “I need something else from you if you expect me to sit on the sidelines through the rest of your life, Macie.”

  I hear her inhale a deep, steadying breath and then slowly release it before she replies in a whisper, “What’s that, Grey?”

  “You’ve been my best friend for a real long time now. I know we can’t have the same friendship we used to. Hell, we really don’t even have it now. But tonight you knew you could come here. I need to know that you will always do that when you need to breathe, because I think the life you’re about to start isn’t going to be all kisses and chocolate cake. In fact, I think you’re about to be suffocated, but I can’t change your mind. There’s possibly going to be a day in the future when I get married, too, and even then, you come to me. You understand?” My throat is just about closed off. This is reality. I never planned on being single for my entire life, and telling Macie that I’ll be married to another woman someday is like stabbing myself in the stomach—it’s revolting.

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nbsp; I feel warm wetness gathering on my chest before it spills down over the side. Macie sniffles and nods her head as she cuddles a little closer. I keep my hand on her back and hold it still. She continues to cry silently while I continue to reassure myself that she knows that what she’s doing is best for her.

  Chapter Eleven

  July 28, 2007

  Macie is 18 years, 3 weeks and 6 days old

  Greyden was working full time at his dad’s office over the summer, so their time together during the week was unfortunately limited. Macie was able to accompany him to a dinner meeting earlier in the week, which she was surprisingly comfortable at. It was much like the dinners she attended with her parents, only with her business-wielding boyfriend. She was expected to speak more often, but even that was okay because she had Greyden championing her.

  Today was their big date. They’d been holding off and waiting for this day for what seemed like forever to the both of them and it was finally here. The last few days, Macie tried relentlessly to get any clue as to what they would be doing, but Grey stood firm on his decision to keep her in the dark, unwavering despite her pleas. He wanted this to be about them, their past coming together with their future, but he mostly wanted it to be all about her. He wanted to worship her, shower her with his love, and show her exactly how she’s to be treated forever…by him. He also wanted to prove himself to her, wanted to thank her for listening to him for the last few years when he so selfishly asked her to basically wait for him. Now was his time to give to her the way she had so graciously been giving to him for the past several years and probably didn’t even realize it.

  Macie woke early and had breakfast with her mom, who was still not very talkative whenever Macie brought up Greyden. She knew it was because he was older and Macie was already very serious about him. To the outsider, it looked like they became serious in the last nine months they’ve been a couple, but they knew their feelings started long before then.