Without Hesitation

by CJ Azevedo

  “Come shower with me.” His face was guarded, unsure.

  Macie didn’t believe it was the best idea, but maybe it was a good idea. She wasn’t going to get her dream date ending with the most romantic sex she could possibly imagine, but maybe she could still lose her virginity to the love of her life and not regret it. He loved her and she him; that’s all she could want, really.

  Macie nodded her consent and Grey stood back to help her, never moving his eyes from her. He took her hand in his and led her to his bathroom. They didn’t say any other words. He turned on the shower and she watched in silence, her nerves beginning to take over. Finally he was back at her side, grabbing the hem of her cover-up and raising it above her head. She stood there, in her new favorite bikini, with her hands fidgeting at her sides while her eyes blinked up at him.

  He didn’t speak, he didn’t move, he just stared. First at her face, then his eyes trailed languorously down the length of her body and even though he hadn’t physically touched her, the notion of it left her skin covered in goosebumps. Greyden made her body temps run hot and cold just by the intensity of his stare.

  The bathroom started to steam up just as he leaned in to take her mouth sweetly. She didn’t know what to do. She was off her game. For all that he prepared her and all that she had wanted this; now it was messed up. She didn’t feel confident in taking her man. She didn’t feel free in giving her herself completely to him without care to the “how-to.”

  Now it was complicated.

  “I’m going to get in. Leave your bikini on and come in with me in a minute, okay?”

  Macie nodded once more breathing deeply.

  “It’s just us, sweetheart. It’s nothing to be so nervous about.”

  She averted her eyes to the floor so he couldn’t see exactly how confused she was. She knew, even if he didn’t, that they wouldn’t be able to stay together and it was killing her.

  His finger brushed underneath her chin before gently guiding it up to meet his gaze. “We don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to, Butterfly, but I want you, badly. My time is about up on waiting and this morning just pushed me over the edge. I need you.”

  “I want to. I’ll follow you in.”

  Greyden gave her half a smile and a warm kiss. They were still off, their flow wasn’t good. She could feel it, he could feel it, but neither one of them was going to let it stop them from taking this one thing they had both been wanting for a really long time.

  She saw his shorts drop outside the shower curtain and her heart picked up its pace inside her chest. Squaring her shoulders and recalling all of their phone conversations preparing her for this, she approached the shower with her nerves lit ablaze and each limb shaking just a little, but with all the confidence she could summon.

  Macie glossed both lips with the tip of her tongue then slightly opened the curtain, just enough to poke one leg through, her hip—then came her favorite sound, a deep guttural growl from her favorite guy. It was all the encouragement she needed. Deciding to play a little, see how confident and strong she could be in this scenario, she entered the rest of the way with her back facing him.

  Fingertips trailed the length of her spine as she bent to grab a loofah and soap it up. Her hair was brushed to one side of her neck while Greyden’s mouth caressed the other. His hands massaged her hips in slow, methodical movements, his tongue mimicking his motions on the back of her neck, and she was having a difficult time focusing on her task at hand. When he pulled at the strings on the back of her top, the loofah fell to the bottom of the tub. Macie’s head fell back to Greyden’s shoulder and she reached for his hands just as he untied her bottoms.

  “Do you want me stop? Don’t tell me to stop, Butterfly.”

  “No, no. Don’t do that.” Her voice raspy with need.

  He licked her neck and her bottoms tickled her legs all the way down to her feet as he taunted her, teasing her for what was about to come. She could still feel only small sprays of water on her body, cool on her hot skin. Greyden’s large hands slid around to the front of her stomach and slid down, causing her to tense. His left hand slid up and under her loose bikini top, cupping her breast and pinching her tingling nipple while his right slid further down over her mound, right into the apex of her thighs.

  The feelings, the sensations were just all too much. She didn’t know how to handle them. Her right hand darted out to the shower wall and her left grabbed Greyden’s thigh, her nails digging into his flesh. She turned her head into him and buried her face in his neck, stifling her small moans of pleasure as best she could.

  “I need to see you.”

  Greyden sounded rough, like he’d just exerted himself in the last couple of minutes. Macie took a small step forward before turning around to face him, flushed with her need for him. She was unfamiliar with the feeling, didn’t know how to convey to him what she was feeling other than need.

  Greyden removed her top the rest of the way and let it drop, not paying it any attention. “You are so gorgeous, Macie.”

  Her need was suddenly swamped with grief. Annoyed that she couldn’t get her emotions under control and stick with one, she decided honesty was the best policy, even if it wasn’t sexy. “This isn’t how this was supposed to go, Grey.”

  Greyden’s face contorted into a small scowl of displeasure and he took her in his arms. He stared right into her eyes before telling her what she needed to hear, once again.

  “I know, baby, I’m so sorry. It might not be how we planned, but it’s still you and me, the way it’s supposed to be, the only way it’s going to be. I love you like crazy. Now it’s time for me to show you.”

  He kissed her breathless.

  He kissed her until she needed more support to stand, then he lifted her up against the wall and encouraged her to wrap her legs around his waist.

  “Remember what we talked about?”

  “Yeah,” she panted. “This is going to suck.”

  Greyden chuckled, then kissed his way up her neck to her ear before nibbling on it until he got the moan he was looking for.

  “No, not that part, the part where you control this. I have you, so you decide how far you want to go down and when. Okay?”

  Macie bit the inside of both her top and bottom lips and nodded her head.

  Greyden couldn’t help but smile at his nervous girl. “Let me bite that lip.”

  Her smile turned into a full mega watt smile before she leaned down and kissed him. She felt his hands move and her body jostled a little, then she felt smooth heat against her own warm wetness.

  Her eyes widened.

  This was really happening.

  Then he kissed her and her eyes closed.

  There was pain, but nothing like she had expected.

  “The rest is up to you, Butterfly. Are you okay?”

  She knew Greyden was strung tight and she wanted to fix him, but she was afraid. He still held her up as she nodded that she was in fact “okay,” and then he rested his forehead on her chest. She ran her fingers through his hair once and realized that the stinging was gone and she wanted to go down, so she pressed her heels into the backs of his thighs. She moved a little, but it wasn’t until he lowered her that she got the full effect, almost like the wind was knocked out of her, and her head fell forward.

  “Dammit.” His raspy voice hit her ears like a siren.

  “What’s wrong?” Her head flew back, almost colliding with his on its way.

  “Nothing. N-nothing’s wrong. Everything is perfect—you are perfect.”

  “I can’t really move, babe.”

  “Babe’s too generic, try something else.”

  “Really? You want to discuss this right now?”

  Greyden’s lips quirked up to one side. “Why? Something wrong, Butterfly?”

  Remembering how he’d described to her over the phone the way she would get the sensation to move, how she would want his friction against her once the stinging stopped, she knew what sh
e needed from him and it wasn’t conversation. “Move, Greyden. I need you to move.” Macie rocked her hips the best she could pressed between the wall and his warm, hard body. There was just enough friction there to make her eyes close, her grip tighten on his shoulders, her thighs flex and moans escape, but it wasn’t enough.

  He pressed her up against the wall a little harder as he began moving in and out at a continuous pace. Macie felt like she was coming out of her skin and she couldn’t do anything about it. His hand came between them and she started to lose her breath. She was pretty certain she was seeing actual stars. Her hands landed at the back of his neck and she held on for dear life.

  “You feel fucking amazing, Macie. I don’t want to ever stop.”

  “Don’t.” She couldn’t get anything else out.

  He turned his head and bit her jaw, then licked it.

  “Ahhh! Grey, I’m—I—I think—I—”

  Greyden rubbed quicker with his hand and pumped harder with his hips and just as she pinched his neck with her fingernails and let out a silent, breathy scream, he found his release deep inside her.

  Macie curled her body around his and held on tightly as he sank down inside the tub. They were still in their own bubble and neither was ready to penetrate it yet.

  She would have to make him realize that he might love her, but he wasn’t in the right place to be in a committed relationship with her. She knew they would have to once again agree to hold on to their love for one another for the future.

  Chapter Twelve

  January 2014

  Macie

  For so long he was my secret. He was my happy place that I went to when all else failed. Greyden made me feel alive. He has always told me that I was like a bubble, always floating around happily, but what he has never known is that he was my helium. All day long my brain was infused with thoughts of him, of our time together or glimpses of his perfect smile. He was my everything. To everyone around us, we were friends, but to him and I, we were each other’s forever. I believed without any doubt in my heart that one day we would reveal our secret and our families and friends would be so happy for us. I would put on that gorgeous white gown that I already picked out, cut out of that bridal magazine, and pinned in my secret journal. He would dress in a dapper tux and wait longingly for me at the end of the aisle while I glided graciously toward him on the arm of my father. Afterwards, he would carry me across the threshold to our new, fabulous home and get started right away on making our dream family of six. He would fight for the UFC and I would design all of the beautiful homes in San Jose while raising our children.

  What a foolish dream. Clearly that was the daydream of a very young girl with very high hopes. I expected a lot more from myself and from Greyden as well. Now, as I sit here and drink my tea at my favorite bistro while waiting on my future bridesmaids, I realize how Greyden and I set up our relationship to be such an epic failure.

  I had put all of my eggs into one basket with him and waited for years on that man. As such a lovestruck young girl, I did everything he asked, including holding out for him to figure out his life. Putting my life on hold, I waited for him. I waited for him not only because I loved him with every ounce of love in my heart and soul, but because I believed he was worth it. I still do believe that, now I’m just not sure he believes it enough for it to matter.

  When my mom called to tell me that Mitch was going to propose, I had a mild panic attack. I was prepared, I knew it was coming soon, but the reality of hit me like a freight train and I had to rush off the phone, feigning excitement. Once I was relaxed from the call, I had to see Grey. I knew that if I saw him and it all fell into place perfectly, I’d be able to break things off with Mitch before we got any further and place my life back in the hands of Greyden, where it had been for so many years before I removed it.

  When I found Allison there, I knew we were done. Not for the fact that he was sleeping with someone else (of course he was), but the fact that he was still sleeping with her and he still wouldn’t commit to her. He wasn’t any closer to having a handle on his life and all the responsibility and chaos of it.

  Bottom line: if he can’t do it with her, then what makes me think he can do it with me?

  I thought I was going to die out in the pool with him. My heart wasn’t just breaking when he asked me not to marry Mitch. I swear I could feel it break in half, then each half shatter, catch on fire, and melt down to pool into a fiery pit in my belly. I was sick. I wanted to give in to him because I knew he was being sincere. I’m sure he believed in the moment that he could give me everything I needed from him, but I know differently. Things would be exactly the same, with the exception of the secrecy, maybe. People would probably know that we would have gotten back together this time besides just his parents and Keegan.

  So I made the decision to keep moving forward. No looking back. I walked away from Greyden last year for a reason and it would all be for nothing if I gave in now that my life is finally starting to go in the direction I want it to.

  December 11th was a Wednesday. Nothing special about it. In fact, I had an insane week that particular week due to an overactive client who couldn’t make a decision to save her life. I had been working late nights and early mornings, which was fine with Mitch, since those were his regular hours anyway. However, on this day, he called and asked me to take off early and prepare for a cocktail party at his parents’ home that evening. I didn’t want to sit through that, besides the fact that it had been ages since Mitch and I had had any alone time, but that was the role I agreed to, so I made it happen.

  He sent a car for me at seven and I tried really hard not to be annoyed that he wasn’t in it. When I arrived, he greeted me in the lobby of their building, kissing me breathless. He looked amazing and I felt much better that he wasn’t the cold Mitch that I usually get at these kinds of things.

  It didn’t take long at all to figure out what was actually going on once we walked inside. My parents, Dec, Ava, and Harper were all there. That pretty much told me Mitch was about to propose, since there was no way you could get Dec there for any other reason. Harper looked so adorable in her little froo-froo dress and her ringlets tied up on top of her head that I was immediately drawn to her. She yelled “Auntie Mace!” as soon as she saw me and leaned over for me to hold her. In the commotion, I missed the fact that I lost Mitch by my side and his dad was preparing to make a speech…by microphone…in their condo. He talked about how proud he was of his son and how many great things Mitch was preparing to do for our state and country, what a great family man he was and will only be better with age and with the right woman by his side. He mentioned a few projects Mitch was working on down at the city and I tuned out. There were a lot of people in there, too many that I didn’t know, ninety-five percent invited by his parents for the wrong reason, the other five percent invited by his parents for the right reason.

  Next, Mitch appeared by his father’s side, I’m not sure why or how, I was too busy whispering back and forth with Harper until I heard my name and Ava whispered harshly that I was to join them. Up there, in front of everyone, his father hugged me for the first time, his mother smiled a collagen-filled, Botox-tightened smile and seemed as real as she could get. His father left us standing together at the front of the room with everyone watching and the room grew eerily silent. My heart thudded so loudly I was sure everyone could hear.

  Mitch leaned down to my ear furthest away from everyone and whispered as he held me close to him at the waist. “This isn’t me asking, but do you love me enough to say yes tonight? Or did my father just ruin it for you?” Nope, no fairytale here; at least he warned me about that when we decided we were both all in.

  I nodded my head and said that I loved him enough. His smile was so bright it was infectious and it actually made the moment sweet. I may not have been where I’d always dreamt of being or with the person I’d always dreamt of being with, but Mitch was pretty amazing when he wanted to be.

  He
went down on one knee and took my left hand, just smiling at me for a few seconds. I looked out and saw my mom crying, my dad smiling and comforting her, and Ava and Dec both smiling and hugging as Harper clung to Dec’s leg, watching us like something amazing was about to happen.

  Mitch squeezed my hand before he made his declaration. “Macie, what we have isn’t something to ignore or to sit on. You are my perfect match in every way and I promise to do everything in my power to keep you happy and well cared for for the rest of your life. I love you, baby, and it would mean the world to me if you would say yes and agree to become my wife. Will you marry me?”

  He promised to take care of me and to keep me happy; he called me baby in front of his colleagues…it was sweet. Again, he prepared me for this. I knew this was what I was going to get with him. Was I brought to tears, bouncing on the balls of my feet? No, but it was nice, and memorable enough. And I said yes, which is all that matters.

  December 28th was my engagement party. Seventeen short days after he slipped his grandmother’s ring on my finger, his mother converted their annual New Year’s party to our engagement party. She did ask for my guest list this time, which was awfully kind.

  The evening was beautiful and I had a great evening with my friends, but Mitch was hardly around. It had been a while since I spent an evening out with my girlfriends or the guys, so to have them all in one place was amazing and made the night perfect. I excused myself to the ladies’ room after dinner, wandering down a long corridor that shared the entrance to the lobby in search of it. Just as I was on my way back, I ran into Greyden and his date.

  She was stunning.

  She was a redhead, of all things; I had never seen him with a redhead before and it took me by surprise. She had on a navy blue, floor-length silk gown with silver patent peep toe shoes. I always thought redheads wore emerald, wasn’t it their “thing” or something? That was my second thought after seeing her and noting that she was stunning. She had her arm looped through Grey’s, who wore a black tuxedo and looked absolutely delicious. They had their heads turned in to one another; she spoke and he listened. I stood there like a statue with mixed feelings. I was devastated earlier because he hadn’t shown up, then convinced myself it was for the best that he hadn’t come after all. Then there he was.