Without Hesitation

by CJ Azevedo

  She polished off her third glass and quietly poured her fourth. The uncorking didn’t go unnoticed.

  “Butterfly?”

  “Yes, Mookie-Pookie Bear?” Macie put the cork back in the bottle and didn’t look at Greyden before picking up her glass and taking yet another drink. She could feel her head getting tilted on the inside; the alcohol was taking effect at the perfect time. She could hear whispering and then a frustrated sigh from the girl before she stomped off to the back.

  “Don’t ever use that one again.”

  She refused to look at him but she could hear the smile in his voice. “Why? Did it embarrass you in front of your friend?” she asked her glass, still not chancing looking at him, since that might cause the tears or the anger she wasn’t ready to confront to appear.

  “Hell no, I don’t give shit about that. It’s a stupid name.” He laughed then continued in a more serious tone. “You should’ve told me you were going to be here, Macie.” He reached out and brushed her hair back over her shoulder.

  “I don’t need your permission, Greyden.” Macie grabbed the wine bottle off the counter and walked away.

  She decided her safest bet was to sit by herself and observe. She looked around and found her brother already consumed by the girl he walked in with and Luca sitting off to the side having a quiet conversation with another girl.

  Keegan came and sat down next to her, handing her a shot. “I’m sorry.”

  “For the shot? No need.” Macie winked and took the shot, letting her friend off the hook.

  Keegan kissed her on the side of the head just as Greyden walked out, stopping in his tracks when he saw Keegan so close to her. Keegan didn’t notice, he just sat back and took the shot glass from her, asking her if she wanted another. Macie declined, already feeling too much as it was. Keegan stood up and strode off to the back part of the party and Grey walked away, going to sit with a group of people. It took all of three seconds for the same girl he came with to find him and go sit on his lap, her lips immediately going to his neck.

  Between what she just saw, the feelings that came with it, and all the alcohol she had consumed, she was ready to move. She didn’t want to just sit there and be a wallflower, that wasn’t her, not anymore, not since Greyden got his hands on her.

  “Keegan!” She looked around for him and spotted him just on the other side of the group of people on the lounge chairs, including Greyden and his girl for the night. Keegan had a pretty blonde pressed up against a column and was talking close to her face. She should probably just leave him be and go to bed, but she wasn’t thinking clearly.

  “What’s up, sweetheart?” Keegan shouted as he nodded his head in her direction in the way only a guy can.

  Macie noticed Greyden’s attention focused on her. She had no idea how they were going to manage this. Being in the same place and not “together” was nearly impossible for them. Ignoring Grey’s focus on her, she returned her gaze to Keegan. “I want to go swimming. I brought an extra bikini if she wants to go too. Will you go with me?”

  “Luca! Make sure she gets to bed before you take off. I’m heading in!” Declan called as he carried his girl inside.

  Macie could see out of the corner of her eye that Greyden continued staring at her while the girl on his lap made futile attempts at getting his attention. Keegan raised his eyebrows in interest and turned back to question the girl. She smiled and said, “I’m down, but I don’t need a bikini. It’s a perfect night for skinny dipping, don’t you think?”

  “Fuck yeah,” Keegan said before taking her mouth heatedly. “Go get your bikini on, Mace.”

  Well, that just pissed her off. He wanted to take her skinny dipping not too long ago and now she was being told to put on a bikini while he got naked with someone else? Those damn boys and their double standards. She had never been skinny dipping before and if other people were going to be doing it, she didn’t want to be the only one not, especially since she had all the liquid courage flowing through her veins.

  “It was okay for me to go skinny dipping twenty minutes ago, but now I need to be clothed?” “Clothed” was actually difficult to work her tongue around, she thought it all came out clearly, but by the way everyone was laughing (except for Greyden and Keegan), she thought maybe she didn’t hear herself correctly.

  Greyden’s jaw clenched tightly and Keegan walked over to her, chuckling softly. “What the hell, Mace? You’re not supposed to rat me out like that,” Keegan chastised sweetly as he placed his hand on her shoulder. Then, whispering in her ear, he said, “I need you in a bikini because you’re way fuckin’ sexier than the chick I’m with tonight and I can’t have that if I’m supposed to be in the water with her and not you.” He pulled back at looked at her.

  Macie felt unstable, drunk. She was drunk. “Did you really just say that?” Her forehead creased in confusion.

  Keegan smiled. “Hell yeah, I did.”

  “What the fuck did you just tell her?” Greyden came out of nowhere, madder than hell.

  “Shit.” Keegan backed up, his hands up in surrender.

  “Macie, get in the house. You’ve had enough tonight,” Greyden ordered, rage oozing off of him.

  “Who’s this?” She pointed behind his shoulder, trying to not look or sound as drunk as she felt.

  “Allison,” the brunette hanging off of Greyden replied.

  “Nobody,” Greyden answered at the same time.

  “Is tonight the first time you’ll be fucking him, or do you come around often?” Her hands were on her hips and she thought she was holding her own very well, the alcohol actually in her favor tonight.

  Allison’s eyes widened and she gasped as she straightened and clung to Greyden’s arm.

  “What the fuck, Macie? What the hell is your problem?” Greyden’s voice boomed right in front of her.

  Macie shook her head and then quickly learned that was a terrible idea. She reached out and grabbed onto Keegan’s arm, planting her feet more firmly on the ground. “I don’t have a problem, Grey, I was just confused for a minute. Of course she doesn’t come around often. That’s not your scene, am I right?” She looked at Keegan and smiled, then nodded slightly. “I’m right.”

  Greyden’s expression was downright deadly by the time she turned back to him. She started to make another comment, but before she could get the words out, Keegan interfered, his tall frame towering over her as he began shuffling her towards the house. Greyden pulled on his arm, telling him to back off and stay out of their business, but it only pissed off Keegan more. Luca came in to join the party and convinced Greyden to walk away while Keegan got Macie in the house. Macie wasn’t sure of the exact events, she just knew that things were taking place and people were shouting, including a girl, which she thought was herself but she couldn’t be sure. Her head was pretty fuzzy.

  Once they were in the house and things calmed down, her head cleared a little and she was able to focus more. Keegan helped her walk to the guest room then he sat down on the bed while she went through her bag. “You got drunk fast.”

  “You’re telling me. That was crazy,” Macie mumbled as she searched for something… she couldn’t remember what she was looking for.

  Keegan laughed and reached for her bag. “I thought you two ended that shit years ago.” He pulled out her pajamas then set her bag back down on the floor.

  “What shit?” She knew full well what he was talking about.

  “Riiiight. I knew he couldn’t just give you up. I am surprised, though, that you let him do whatever the hell he wants. That’s pretty fucked up, babe.”

  Macie sat down on the bed next to him and thought for a minute. It was messed up. She knew it, he knew it, Greyden knew it. But she also knew the reasons behind it and Keegan didn’t. “Yeah, it is, but it’s not how you think.” She lay back on the bed, her head spinning automatically.

  “Go to sleep, Mace. I put your pajamas on the bed right here next to you.”

  “I want to go swimming.�
�

  “You’ll drown.”

  “’Kay.”

  Keegan laughed and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

  Macie didn’t know how long she lay there before she felt the wine and tequila disagreeing with one another, but she didn’t have much time to get the bathroom and the guest room she was in didn’t have an en suite. She whipped open the door and raced down the hall. The first door she came to was Greyden’s. She said a quick little prayer that he was in there alone or not in there at all and that the door was unlocked because she didn’t think she could keep it down much longer.

  She pushed down on the handle and the door popped open. Keeping her eyes closed, she waited for yelling, but it didn’t happen, so she cracked open one eye and was welcomed by an empty room. Running to the back of the room, she shoved open the bathroom door, making it to the toilet in the nick of time.

  Macie stayed slumped against the toilet for a good amount of time before she felt strong enough to pull herself together and get in the shower.

  She felt slightly better after showering, but not enough to care that she wasn’t in her room or that she didn’t have any panties. Making her way back to the bedroom, she had a fleeting thought of getting some of Grey’s clothes, but she made it to the bed first and that’s where she landed.

  Face down.

  In only her towel.

  With the haze of the tequila slowly fading away, sadness began to creep in. She saw Greyden flirting with another girl. Kissing her. If anything was going to make her vomit, it should be that. It was awful, like a thousand paper cuts straight to the tender flesh of her rapidly beating heart.

  Her now achingly broken heart.

  The tears flowed in silence, soaking into the pillow that didn’t yet smell like him. The pillow she picked out with him in mind. She knew he did this, she knew when he wasn’t with her he was with someone else. But what she never allowed herself to picture was his damn smile, him giving that perfect smile to another girl. She knew exactly how she felt when he was looking at her like that. She never thought about what they talked about or if he would laugh with them or make them laugh the way he made her laugh. All the little things she dismissed completely. It had always been about sex in her mind. The sex she could get over, but seeing him give that girl little kisses and whispers and making her laugh…it was killing her.

  Conjuring up thoughts of every moment of their time together and reliving every happy memory, hope, and wish, Macie finally fell into a deep sleep of emotional exhaustion.

  ****

  Greyden took Allison home as soon as Keegan took Macie in the house. He didn’t explain anything to her; he didn’t even really know her. She introduced herself at the gym one day, along with one of her friends, and he got her number. Tonight she was pissed, and he thought she had a pretty legitimate reason, but he didn’t care. Macie was way more important.

  When he got back, most everybody had left to some place or another. There were still a few people around, mostly in the pool, but the lights were off, so he was assuming they were naked and he was hoping like hell Keegan made Macie stay inside. She didn’t need to be in that mix—ever—least of all when she was as drunk as she was.

  “Keeg!” Grey yelled from the deserted porch as he kicked over a forgotten plastic cup on the ground.

  “Yeah?” He heard the reply from the far, dark corner of the pool.

  “Where’s Mace?”

  “I put her to bed. Tucked her in nice and tight. Left her real warm and satisfied.” Grey heard a wet smack then an “Ow!”

  “Keegan, you son of a bitch. I swear if you touched her, I’ll fucking kill you. I’m already beating your ass tomorrow for that shit you said to her earlier.” The pure rage filling him at the thought of someone else touching her was all-consuming. He always told himself that it was only right, only fair, until he could get his shit straight, but until this very moment he really hadn’t had to worry about it. There were a couple times last year when he didn’t know and when he thought there could have been a possibility, but right in this moment he felt like he could do some serious damage to one of his best friends.

  Keegan laughed and told him to relax. “She was passing out in the guest room at the end of the hall before I could even shut the door. I’m kicking your ass first tomorrow, though, for acting like such a dipshit.”

  He was still too pissed at the thought of Keegan touching Macie to respond, so he turned around and went inside to find his girl.

  Greyden was just about to pass his room, in deep thought about what to do next, how to handle everything that happened, when he noticed his door was open. He took a step back and looked in over his shoulder to see two shiny, sexy, tan legs poking out from a large white bath towel. Just up from there was a mass of long, wet, wavy hair fanned out over bare shoulders and covering a face he knew every detail to.

  He grabbed a shirt from his closet and a pair of drawstring shorts for Macie then a pair of tight boxers for himself. He showered quickly and brushed his teeth, then grabbed the clothes he got together for Macie and sat next to her on the bed.

  He brushed her hair back first, but she didn’t stir. He thought about how she was going to react to the night’s events. This was quite possibly going to be the last time he had with her unless he chanced the fact that he was ready to commit himself to her fully. He knew he couldn’t risk her heart that way, she loved completely and if he broke them as a couple, it would kill her.

  “Macie.” He squeezed her shoulder and kissed her back. “Mace, wake up, Butterfly.”

  “Please!” she cried, still sleeping. “Please, don’t. I love you.” Her torso was wracked with shuddering grief while she continued to sleep and Greyden swore that he never felt a worse kind of pain.

  “Macie, wake up, baby,” he said, his own voice now tortured.

  Her shoulders continued to shake and as he leaned over, he noticed the tears falling from her closed lids. She wasn’t just shedding a few tears in her sleep, she was sobbing. Greyden picked her up and turned her around so he was cradling her in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck and wept into his chest.

  She cried there for a good ten minutes with Greyden dying on the inside, not knowing what to do to fix it, how to make her feel better, and just feeling like shit. He decided to get her dressed and put her to bed so she could get some sleep.

  He grabbed the shirt first and let the towel fall from her chest. He worked the shirt over her head and she helped from there. When he moved her off of him to put the shorts on her, she grabbed him as he was tying them and cried hard.

  “I never really thought about it.” She hiccupped. “You were laughing with her and whispering to her, Greyden.”

  He figured she was talking about Allison, but didn’t understand what she was getting at. Was he not supposed to laugh? And what was wrong with whispering? He knew better than to argue or to even ask questions when she was upset like this, so he just apologized. He learned that a long time ago.

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I hate that I’m doing this to you.” He reached behind her and pulled back the covers, tossing the extra pillows. He laid her back, then crawled over her and pulled her back into his arms. He kissed the back of her head and lay his head down.

  “I love you, Grey.”

  Macie rarely told him she loved him and it took him by surprise, so much so that he immediately started pondering exactly how much damage this evening’s events had on her.

  “Grey?” she asked hesitantly, her voice sad and broken.

  “Yeah, I’m here.”

  “You didn’t tell me you love me too.” She burrowed her body closer to his.

  Greyden swallowed before answering. “I do. I do, Butterfly, so much. God, do I love you.” His hand stroked the side of her body and rested on her hip. He let his face linger in her hair as he inhaled her fresh scent and listened for her breathing to even out to soft low lulls.

  His brain worked on how
to handle the shitstorm to come tomorrow. He couldn’t leave her, but he couldn’t ruin her either. Come tomorrow, he would have to follow her lead and swear to do as she said, because he wasn’t strong enough to do what was right. Whatever the hell that was.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Early March 2014

  Macie

  Saying goodbye to Greyden was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. He had pretty much moved into my house this last month, so when I packed up to head to Gilroy, he had to pack too. It was sad, like we were moving away from one another. In a way, it affected me more than when I got engaged, I think because then there was finality between us. I knew Greyden couldn’t handle a relationship and I needed one. Now, I want one, sure, with him especially, but I don’t believe I need it. That’s what I need to work out, though. I also believe that he’s finally in a place where he can handle a relationship, even with his dad doing so poorly. So for me to be leaving him behind is like once again walking away from my future, only this time it’s a future that’s actually present. Greyden is ready for me. He hasn’t said the words, but he’s proven to me time and time again by not leaving my side.

  “Hola!” I answer nice and loud as the wind blows through my car, whipping small strands of hair into my face that have been blown loose from my ponytail. It’s a beautiful day, something which has helped immensely with my somber mood.

  “You should be there by now. What’s taking so long?” he asks in an exasperated tone. I can just picture him running his hands through his hair that he’s let get a little long as he rests his elbows on his desk. I’m on speakerphone; I can hear the echo through his office.

  “Oh, just a small detour. There was this hot baseball player hitchhiking. He missed his bus so I gave him a ride. I’m back on track now.” I smile to myself, preparing for the great wrath of Greyden.