Without Hesitation

by CJ Azevedo

  His tummy-flipping chuckle graces my ears and I giggle along with him because I like this, this is easy. “The deflection, all right. I’m gonna guess the old boyfriend. The ex-fiancé sounds like a tired old ass that hopefully you don’t have contact with anymore.”

  We cruise down the dirt road and I take in the pastures surrounding us. Some have cows, some have horses, some have both. It’s so peaceful.

  “This old boyfriend sounds like a decent guy, darlin’. Wanna tell me what you’re doin’ out here with me?” We drive around a little pond and he explains that they keep it stocked with fish and go fishing on their down time out here and late at night the fish go flying. I don’t believe him, but he swears it’s true and told me to just drive out here some night and wait for them. I just might do that.

  “The old boyfriend is Greyden. We’re actually back together now, but he thinks I still need to find me.”

  “Do you disagree?”

  “I did, but now I’m not so sure. Being out here is like being in a different world. Do you know that I’ve never had a guy friend other than him?” Blaine shakes his head. “Nope, not one. Actually, I did sort of have one once, but then Grey found out and he disappeared. I just found out last month that he’d been keeping all the guys away from me my whole life and I didn’t even know it.” Wow, saying that out loud does make him sound like a crazed psycho. I chance a look at Blaine and narrow my eyes, waiting for him to tell me how crazy that sounds, but instead he laughs.

  “Now you have to promise you won’t say anything to Bailey about this,” he warns, and I nod my head. “When we were growing up, Bay used to get so pissed because her sister would get to go on dates and the boys would always call her but none of them ever asked Bailey out. Luckily she didn’t turn it into an insecurity thing, she just got madder than a hornet. To this day she doesn’t know that Tucker was so in love with her that every time he heard some kid from school liked her, he beat him to a pulp. That damn kid got sent home from school more times than his momma could whip him for, but he didn’t care, he kept them all away from her anyway.” Blaine shakes his head as he looks out in front of us, faraway thoughts flitting across his face.

  “So what happened with them, did he get his girl before she went to New York?”

  Blaine shakes his head sadly. “Nope. When her momma died, it changed her. Not that I blame her, those two were as close as they come. Then she just up and left us all back here and Tucker, well, he didn’t take to the idea too well. He’ll always love her, but he’s accepted that she’s not who she used to be. Hell, none of us are. You know how that goes. When things happen to ya, sometimes you just change. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with that, Macie. It’s just part of life you have to accept. Life changes you and you move on. It’s the people around you that need to adjust. They’re the ones that need to accept the new you.”

  “You really believe that?”

  “Yes, ma’am, I do.”

  “What if I’m the one who feels lost, though? If I can’t seem to decide who I am?”

  “Well then, darlin’, that’s you, you’re a chaotic mess.”

  That makes me laugh, but it isn’t far from truth. I feel like a chaotic mess.

  Blaine reaches over and grabs my hand. “Just give it a few days, Macie. Sounds to me like you just need a break.”

  I take a deep breath and smile gratefully at him just as we pull up to a large house with a river rock façade. “This place is very cool.”

  “Yeah, Tucker went a little over board.” Blaine gets out and walks around to my side.

  “I wasn’t planning on meeting anyone tonight, am I okay the way I am?” I gesture to my clothes. I’d just thrown on a little cotton dress with a light sweater and a pair of espadrilles, but even I know I’m overdressed if everyone else is dressed like Blaine tonight.

  “You look beautiful and I think you know it.”

  Pulling back on his hand, I get him to stop and look back at me. “That’s not what I meant. We’re at a barbeque and you look like you’ve been working all day. Am I going to fit in or do I need to go put on some jeans?”

  “Oh, so you’re worried about looking better than us lowly country folk.”

  Slapping my hand on my forehead, I shake my head profusely. “No. That’s not what I meant either. Stop twisting my words around.” Blaine laughs and moves as quick as lightning, picking me up and tossing me around so I end up on his back. Don’t ask me how he did it—I have no idea, I was just arms and legs flailing around—but from my viewpoint, he looked like he was dancing.

  I hold on like a monkey and he clasps on under my knees then continues to the side gate to the backyard. They have a fire going out in the middle of the yard and there are a few men standing around talking and laughing. The barbeque is lit and two guys are manning it up on the back porch. Luckily it’s a large porch, because it isn’t a big fancy barbeque like Dec’s or Greyden’s, this thing is massive. They could probably cook for the whole town on it.

  I tap Blaine’s shoulder as we get closer and people start looking over at us. “Put me down,” I whisper close to his face and I can smell how delicious his scent is, all body wash, dirt, and something else. “What do you smell like?” I need to know.

  “Cow shit.”

  I laugh loudly because that isn’t what I was expecting and I know that’s not what I’m smelling, either. “That’s not it.”

  I can feel his chest vibrate through his back onto my chest. “Then hay.”

  “Maybe that’s it. Can you put me down now?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  We walk up to the guys at the grill and they both raise their glasses, which are actually mason jars, in our direction, but don’t say anything.

  “Guys, this is our new friend Macie. Macie, these are your new guy friends, Tucker and Garret. Macie’s never had a guy friend before, so we’re about to show her what she’s been missin’ out on.”

  “Well, Macie, it’s nice to meet you,” Tucker, the tall, lean but very muscular, man in the cowboy hat says. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Tucker can offer you water or whiskey.” Garret laughs as he sticks his hand out for me to shake. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, darlin’.”

  “That’s not true. Momma said she’d probably like some wine, so I bought that too. The women are up at Garret’s parents place playin’ Bunco if you’d rather join them.”

  “No, thank you, I think I’d rather stay here if that’s all right. If Blaine would ever let me down that is.”

  “You got it. I’ve gotta go wash up anyhow.” He slides me down carefully, holding onto me to make sure I don’t lose my balance once I’m on my own feet. I may have lost my head over his good looks and slow drawl when I first arrived, but I’m starting to feel really comfortable with him now. Those tummy flips and butterflies I experienced just an hour ago are already more like a light, airy feeling of happiness and peacefulness when I think of him being my friend.

  “Blaine, grab her a glass of wine while you’re in there.”

  “Nope. She’s drinking whiskey out of a jar with us tonight. We’ll send that wine home with her to the carriage house. She can drink that on her own time,” Blaine says briskly as he goes in the house, leaving me standing with Garret and Tucker. They both shrug and drink before Garret turns to the table to make me a whiskey. I do notice him pour some soda in it, for which I am very grateful. Tucker continues to grill and hum some song I don’t know but he sounds really good. I just take it all in. All the women must be playing Bunco, whatever that is, because there are only men in the yard. The guys over at the fire pit are older, I’m guessing their dads. They raise their hands in greeting when they notice me.

  Garret hands me a glass jar filled to the brim with a kind smile on his face. He leans down and whispers, “If you hate it, I know where the wine is. We don’t have to tell Blaine.” And just like that, they accept me into their little family.

  I taste the whiskey. It has a
lot of soda in it; it’s drinkable for sure. Thank goodness. “I can drink this,” I reply, “but I think Blaine will notice that you poured half that soda in here.”

  Garret laughs and clinks his glass with mine. “Blaine forgets that he’s been drinkin’ this shit since he was a baby. It’s not for everyone.”

  “Bailey drinks it,” I remind him. I remember the guys’ shock over her drink of choice.

  “True, but again, she’s been drinking it for the last fifteen years. She didn’t have a choice when she started like you do now. She either drank it with us guys or she didn’t drink. You don’t give Bailey ultimatums.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think I do well with ultimatums, either,” I say meekly, looking away as I take a drink and the bubbles from the soda tickle my nose.

  Garret places his hand on my back and guides me over to the porch swing and sits down with me. “Is that why you’re out here? An ultimatum gone wrong?”

  “I’m out here because my life is a mess. Over the last couple years, my life has derailed and I forced it onto the wrong tracks.” I look over at him and see he’s really paying attention to everything I’m saying, which urges me to go forward. “When I say the wrong tracks, I mean like it put me going south when I really wanted and needed to be going north.”

  He nods like he completely understands. “Your True North.”

  “Exactly. So now, even though I know where I belong, I’m terrified we’re forcing it just because…of our past maybe, or because he feels guilty? I don’t know. I used to be so certain of everything. I knew exactly who I was. I was a romantic who loved the same boy since she was eleven years old. I was a really good secret keeper. I knew who I could trust and who I couldn’t. Who to turn to and who not to. And then it was like I woke up one morning.” I take a drink, trying to gather my thoughts so I don’t sound crazy, but then Tucker speaks up. I didn’t even realize he was listening.

  “You woke up one mornin’ and the person you thought you could trust with everything didn’t seem so trustworthy anymore. Maybe you didn’t feel like being romantic was so exciting either, it just sorta fell flat for ya. Everybody around you that meant so much your whole life took on a different aura and it confused the hell outta ya.” He sips his whiskey, raising his eyebrows while looking at me over his glass, silently asking me if he hit the nail on the head.

  I nod because he did. It did confuse the hell out of me. Nobody was who I needed them to be and that wasn’t their fault, that was my issue, but I don’t know what to do with that.

  “She’s a chaotic mess,” Blaine comments as he walks out onto the porch.

  “Yes, I am.” I sink back into the swing, landing in the crook of Garret’s arm, who most definitely does not smell like cow shit. He smells so good.

  “I think all you need to do is realize that it’s normal,” Tucker says. “What you’re describing is what all teenagers go through at some point. There are a few late bloomers that don’t hit ‘til they’re in college, but for the most part, every high school kid in the world experiences what you’re going through. The difference is, you had your life laid out in front of you then. You were holding on to something so tight you missed the crazy train that everybody else rode when we were younger. Now, I imagine it’s different for girls than it is for us guys, but still pretty damn close. I think you already have it all figured out, darlin’, so now it’s time to drink and be merry. Take this vacation and relax.” Tucker turns back to his grill and flips a large piece of meat.

  I sit stunned for just a minute because suddenly it seems so simple. “You really think it’s that simple?”

  Tucker shrugs before looking back at me. “Everybody always tries to complicate everything. Life is simple. We work hard, love hard, and we drink cause is tastes good. You start to feel blue, do something to make you feel happy. You’re confused? Ask questions to someone wiser than you. Macie, God made life beautiful. We’re the ones who make it ugly. You want your life beautiful again? Make it happen, sweetheart.”

  “Just make it happen,” I say quietly to myself as I stare out at all the land before me and take in his words. That’s all I have to do. Just make it happen. I want to marry Greyden more than anything in this beautiful world. I just have to make it happen. I want to have his babies. I just have to make it happen. My God, Tucker’s right. I have complicated things way beyond necessary. Greyden is mine, so at this point, everything I want, I have the ability to just make happen.

  I raise my glass as I stand and Garret follows me. He towers over me. So do the other guys, but I don’t care. Tucker has opened my eyes and I’ve had an epiphany. “Just make it happen,” I say as their glasses join mine and they repeat my words with smiles on their faces.

  We eat dinner outside with their dads and Bailey’s dad, Paul. The food is delicious. I have so much fun listening to them go on and on about who messed up what out on the ranch that day. They weren’t just friends, they were most definitely brothers, and they reminded me of my boys. Once in a while, one of the dads would step in and tell them to cool it. I just laughed because these were grown men pointing fingers at each other over who was supposed to fix the broken gate but didn’t that led to letting loose twenty head of cattle that day. I may have been laughing and so was Garret, but Blaine and Tucker weren’t, they were ready to go to blows over it, which made me laugh harder.

  Blaine makes my second glass of whiskey, this time without nearly as much soda. It was dark out and so quiet. Most of the men went home but Blaine, Tucker, and I were still up. Tucker has his guitar out and is starting to strum it as I curl up in a lawn chair to think about the day.

  Tucker sings songs that make me wish I grew up out here and Blaine tells stories that have me laughing so hard I feel like I’ve done a thousand sit ups. By the time they’re ready to call it a night, my heart felt happy. Truly happy.

  I drive Blaine up to his house, where he hugs me goodnight and tells me to come up for breakfast at nine, that he’ll be in from work by then. I plan to go see the flying fish. I’m too happy to go to bed just yet.

  When I get to the pond, I pull my phone out and call Greyden while I pick a spot to sit down and wait for these mythical fish.

  “Hey, Butterfly, I wasn’t expecting you to call me. Everything okay?”

  “Everything is perfect, Babushka.”

  “Please don’t call me that.” His sleepy voice chuckles his sexy chuckle.

  “Okay, you win. Did I wake you up?”

  “No, I was going over some reports. I’m trying to keep my eyes open so I can finish. What are you doing?”

  “I am currently sitting out at a pond which supposedly houses flying fish. Blaine says they fly through the air at night. I don’t believe him, so he told me to come down here and see for myself. I haven’t seen any yet. But it’s beautiful out here anyway.”

  “Flying fish, eh?”

  “I know, right?” I laugh but it dies on my lips just as a tiny fish pops out of the water. I hang up on Grey and immediately FaceTime him. In no time at all the fish are popping out of the water in arches. It’s insane.

  “Do you see that?” I whisper in astonishment.

  “Yeah. Are you afraid they’ll stop if you talk normally?” He chuckles again and I can’t help but laugh. I am truly happy right now, a kind of happy I haven’t been since I walked away from Grey last year without any hope for our future.

  “I guess so,” I say in a normal tone, still laughing. This is so crazy. The way the moonlight hits the water is perfect for highlighting the fish soaring through the air. “I’m almost jealous of them. They look so free right now.”

  “Macie, they’re fish stuck in a pond, just waiting for their number to be called. They’re not free, sweetheart. Did you not have a good day?”

  I lie back on the grass and look up at the black sky and bright stars. “I actually had a pretty amazing day. It was sort of eye opening and I don’t feel so overwhelmed anymore. Tucker said some things to me that just made everything
seem so easy and I like easy, Grey. I’ve been through complicated and I choose easy.”

  “You’ve been gone one day and you sound like my Butterfly again. You don’t sound like the weight of the world is on your shoulders anymore and I love that.”

  “I love it too. You told me a long time ago that you suspected being with Mitch was going to make feel like I couldn’t breathe. You were right. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I wasn’t breathing, Grey, I was suffocating. For the first time in a long time I’m breathing and it feels amazing. I admit that I still don’t know who I am exactly, but I think that’s okay.”

  “That’s more than okay. You don’t need all of the answers today. As long as you’re okay with who you are, whoever that is, the rest will work itself out when the time is right.”

  Blaine was right. The people around me need to adjust to the way I change and to the way I need them. Relationships, any type, should be give and take. Without having to ask, Greyden is willing to adjust to this new me, whatever that may be.

  “We were always meant to be, weren’t we?” I whisper.

  “We still are meant to be. And I was thinking we should probably start coming up with some new kid names because I have a feeling you’re not going to want to keep Jack and Rose from Titanic.”

  I cover my face with my free hand as I laugh. “I am so lame. But you have to admit it was a great idea at the time. Those names were off the charts in the early two thousands.”

  “Well, I never checked, but you told me plenty of times.”

  “So we’re talking marriage and babies now?” Just make it happen.

  “I don’t want to freak you out or cause you any more stress,” he replies quickly. “I was just thinking that it would probably be a good idea to start discussing both of those topics as soon as you get home. I don’t want to wait too long and give that last ovary any chance at doing anything funny that won’t make you too happy.”

  “Greyden Michaels, I’m done crying, so stop saying stuff like that before I start again.”