Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  “You should be proud of that Rob. I get it.” What he had achieved was amazing and I only hoped I would achieve something half as successful myself one day.

  “It’s not like I don’t want to get married though. One day I’d like to, and I want kids, like hundreds of them!” He added with a huge grin.

  “Me too…..the kids I mean. I’ve always wanted kids, but not with Phil. Maybe one day I suppose. I’m not really sure what I want anymore. I think I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens.”

  “Sounds like a great plan to me.” Rob agreed. “Come on, we should head back now.” I agreed and we ran back the way we had come. I was exhausted and my legs were trembling by the time we climbed the front steps of the apartment building, but I felt really good. I had challenged myself to keep up with Rob and I’d actually done it. It felt good to have a small victory.

  “I really enjoyed that Rob. Will you come out with me again some time?” I asked as we stepped into the lift.

  “Definitely. I enjoyed it too. It’s nice to have company for a change.”

  I followed him into the apartment and realised I felt better than I had in months, maybe years. For whatever reason being with Rob made me feel alive in a way I had never felt before and I wished he could be with me all of the time to chase away the darkness that kept trying to fight its way in to swallow me whole.

  JACK

  We all got together for a sit down two days after Phil had scared Lucy with that call. It was the first night Matt and I were both off shift so as soon as Lucy went to bed we started discussing what we were going to do. Matt was determined he would be the one to get rid of Phil so it was clear he had to go to the UK, but Rob and I agreed he shouldn’t go alone so Rob would go with him and I would stay with Lucy. We thought it best not to tell Lucy more than we needed to so we would simply say they were going to take care of Phil and not go into any more detail than that. She was so afraid of the fucker, and so desperate to get him out of her life, we were confident she wouldn’t question it.

  I knew Rob would make sure Matt did the job cleanly and remove all trace of evidence, while watching Matt’s back. I had complete faith in him. By the time we had settled everything we were all just hugely relieved we had a plan. The only thing left to resolve was finding the fucker! He had disappeared and Rob’s guys were having real trouble tracking him down. Rob had contacted a colleague in the UK who was also trying to track Phil down too, but he hadn’t been seen at his home or his business for almost a week and none of his bank accounts had been touched. He was up to something and it was making us all nervous, but Rob assured us it was only a matter of time until we got him and when we did, he was a dead man.

  Rob also came clean that night and told us honestly he had lost it himself the other night when he picked Lucy up and saw her boss with his arm around her, apparently because he thought the guy seemed shifty, but I had a suspicion it was because he was jealous. It was beginning to become glaringly obvious Rob was attracted to Lucy, at least to me anyway. Rob had warned us both that he thought Lucy should not return to work the next week. He didn’t feel she was safe working with such a sleazy guy.

  There had then been debate between Lucy and Matt all weekend after that, as to whether she should return to the job. Matt argued that Rob was a great judge of character and if he thought this guy was shady, then he probably was. Lucy would not even entertain the idea there was something bad about her new boss, she liked him, and the job and she would not give in. In the end I put a stop to the arguments by saying I would go to work with her on Monday morning and scope the guy out. Matt was working so couldn’t go himself, but I knew he trusted my judgement. Lucy wasn’t that happy with the decision, but in the end she agreed, probably just to shut Matt and Rob up.

  So on Monday morning I walked into the gym with Lucy. I was impressed by the place, it was light, clean and modern and didn’t have the usual locker room smell I loathed. I had put a gym in the guest bedroom of my apartment to avoid the usual dirty, stinking places I had been to before.

  “Hey Lucy. You ok Hun?” I looked up and saw the guy talking to Lucy. He was obviously her boss. He had a look of authority about him and he carried himself with confidence. He was a good-looking guy, tall and built with a rugged silver fox look about him.

  “I’m fine thanks.” Lucy replied. “This is Jack.” She pointed to me.

  “Your brother?” He asked as he turned from what he had been half doing and gave me his full attention. He looked me up and down and smiled. Oh! If Rob had been jealous, he had been worrying unnecessarily about this guy, I thought with a grin.

  “Yeah, my brother.” Lucy said as she looked up at me with a nervous smile. I felt a flood of emotion with that comment. She had told him I was her brother and just knowing that filled me with pride. I certainly considered her my sister and it was wonderful to know she felt the same.

  “Good to meet you man. I’m Cal.” He said as he walked around the desk and held out his hand. I shook it and didn’t fail to notice the way he checked me out again. He was definitely batting for my team and I was definitely intrigued. The guy was hot. He was definitely a few years older than me, but it only added to his appeal. He looked like he had lived a life and had the worldly experience to prove it. That was something I had spent a long time looking for in a guy, someone who would have the patience for the baggage I carried and who would have their own shit to balance it all out. I was getting too old for hook-ups. I needed to find someone I could really have a future with. Jesus Jack, you just met him, don’t start planning the wedding already! I cautioned myself.

  “Jack.” I replied with a smile, snapping myself from my crazy thoughts.

  “So you thinking about joining us here?” He asked as he opened his arms to indicate the gym.

  “Maybe. It is on my way home from the hospital,” I mused aloud.

  “Hospital? Are you a doctor?” He asked with a grin.

  “Surgeon.”

  “Um, very nice.” He said with a smile. “Well, I’d be very happy to see you around the place.” He smiled suggestively and I couldn’t help but reciprocate. “You could maybe take a trial membership, check us out?”

  “Maybe I will.” I replied, provoking a smirk from Lucy. She had finally cottoned on to what was going on.

  “Why are you American and Lucy isn’t?” Cal asked as though he had just realised.

  “Jack’s my adopted brother.” Lucy said simply, making me smile. Cal nodded and didn’t question it further.

  I left Lucy shortly after, confident that Cal was a decent guy with no intention of hitting on her and excited that he had seemed instead to be interested in me. It had been two years since I had had anything that could be considered a relationship and the possibility was tantalizing.

  I called Rob on my hands free as I drove back towards home.

  “Jack, everything ok?” He answered.

  “Fine. I just dropped Lucy at work” I said.

  “Fucking great. Did you meet that pervert? He was all over her on Thursday Jack! We have to get her out of there!” He yelled all at once.

  “Rob, calm down. I went in and spoke to her boss, Cal. He seemed ok to me.” I said calmly.

  “Jack, he’s a fucking creep. He can’t wait to get his hands on her! Pervert! He’s at least twice her age!” Rob raged.

  “Rob, you’ve got it all wrong. Cal just spent the last ten minutes coming onto me. He’s very clearly gay. Lucy was right, he is just being friendly with her. Maybe he’s a little flirty naturally, but he’s not interested in her.” I explained.

  “Seriously? He was all over her the other night?” He was a little calmer now and clearly surprised.

  “I don’t think he was Rob. I think you probably just overreacted.” I pointed out.

  “Maybe, but it looked bad Jack. He had his arm around her, and I guess I just saw red.” He finally admitted.

  “Maybe you should think about why that pissed you off so bad Rob?”
I said with amusement. He needed to admit how he felt about her.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Rob played dumb.

  “What I said man. Listen, I gotta go. I’ll speak to you later. Think about what I said though, ok?” I suggested.

  “Whatever fuckwad. Speak to you later.” With that Rob grumpily ended the call and I couldn’t help but smile. He had reverted back to a confused, lovesick teenager, a side of Rob I didn’t think I had ever seen.

  ***

  Cal was chatting to two gym members when I walked back in to collect Lucy later that day. He saw me and raised his eyebrows in greeting. I tried hard not to grin like an idiot and play it cool instead, just nodding and then turning to Lucy who sat behind the reception desk.

  “Hey beautiful.” I greeted as I approached. She looked tired.

  “Hi Jack.” She said with a forced smile.

  “Good day?” I asked as I leant on my elbow on the desk in front of her.

  “Yeah, it was good,” She replied. “Were you and Cal…..were you flirting this morning?” Finally she smiled fully.

  “Maybe.” I whispered.

  “So he’s gay then?”

  “One million percent sweet.” I confirmed, making her smile even wider.

  “Did you tell Rob?”

  “Oh yeah. I rang him as soon as I left. It should shut him up for a while!”

  “It better!” She agreed. “So do you like him, Cal, I mean?”

  “Maybe.” I replied once again.

  “You should go for it Jack. He’s so funny and nice, oh and hot, really hot!” She said excitedly.

  “Ok honey, play it cool.” I whispered with a grin as I saw Cal approaching.

  “Jack. I thought you might return for a workout this afternoon. Where were you?” He asked

  “I had some work to take care of. Maybe tomorrow though when I drop Lucy off?” I suggested.

  “I’ll look forward to it” He replied with a flirty smile. Oh, so would I, I thought to myself. “Finish up for today now Lucy. We’re not exactly busy. I can manage. You get home and get some sleep.” He gently placed a hand on her shoulder, and she nodded and headed into the back for her coat.

  “She’s been quieter today.” Cal said as we watched her walk away.

  “She seems tired. I don’t know how much she told you, but she’s been through a lot and she’s still healing from some bad injuries.”

  “She didn’t say anything, but I’ve noticed old bruises and some scars. Boyfriend?”

  “Husband, but she’s free of him now, thankfully.”

  “I’d like to get my hands on the piece of shit that could harm a beautiful little thing like her!” Cal raged in hushed tones.

  “You and me both.” I agreed, just as Lucy walked out and approached me.

  “See you later Hun. Don’t forget your gym bag Jack. I want to put you through your paces tomorrow morning.” He teased with a wink.

  “It’s a date!” I called behind me as I walked outside, with Lucy tucked under my arm.

  “You so like him.” Lucy sighed as we got out of earshot.

  “Maybe.”

  LUCY

  Day two at my job and I had spent all day drowning in dark memories and flashback of Phil. I’d been counting down the hours until I could get home and just fall apart. So much for moving forward and making a new life. I had worked two days, and both had ended with me in meltdown!

  From that point things just seemed to spiral down, no matter how hard I tried to fight to pick myself up. I was being pulled under by a deep, dark depression. I was constantly haunted by terrifying images of Phil’s attacks and sleep was becoming impossible thanks to nightmares which just constantly played on a loop. His phone call and the threat of him coming for me had seemed to amplify all of the horror in my brain and I couldn’t find my way out of it. I put on a brave face as much as possible for the guys and at work, but when I was alone I would crumble, and I was alone a lot. Matt and Jack had long since returned to their regular shifts and they worked crazy hours, leaving me to wallow alone sometimes for days, drowning in my dark thoughts and flashbacks. I tried so hard to busy myself and get it together and Rob came to see me when he could, but he was busy too.

  Work helped, and when I was there I found it a lot easier to block out the darkness, but as soon as I got home and I was alone again, the flashbacks began.

  In a desperate bid to not feel so alone and stop hell from consuming me, I started spending more and more evenings at the bar Rob had dragged me from that night weeks before. When I sat there at the bar I could people watch and try to focus on something else. The alcohol made the flashbacks less intense and it made me sleep so deeply the nightmares lessened too. It was a bad coping tool, but the only one I had found that worked. I felt so alone, despite Matt, Rob and Jack’s support. They had all been so amazing and they did everything they could to take care of me, even with the crazy hours they worked.

  The problem was, they were all so bloody worried about me all of the time and I felt the need to always paint on a smile and assure them I was ok, when really I was far from it. Not wanting to burden any of them further, I kept quiet about the struggles I was facing and therefore, I had no one I could really tell the truth to, no one who I could unload on and I spent huge periods of time staring at four walls in the apartment, too afraid to face more of the real world than the bar.

  It had been over three months since I’d left Phil and he was still dominating my life, terrifying me into not living it. I was haunted by this very real fear that he was coming for me and that terrified me more than anything.

  “Hey, you mind if I sit here?” I looked up from my drink to the tall guy trying to sit beside me in my, now usual, bar. He was older, maybe early forties. He had a strong jaw and dark eyes. I studied him briefly and thought he was really pretty attractive, but nowhere near as handsome as the new object of my daydreams, Rob.

  I had been sat in the bar since finishing work at lunch. Matt and Jack were both on long shifts and I couldn’t stand the thought of going home to the empty apartment. I had been drinking for hours and I was on my way to numb.

  “Yeah, if you want.” I replied, not really caring. He sat next to me and bought me my next several rounds until I was completely blotto. We chatted away and he told me he worked in banking and was just in the city for a conference for two nights. He was friendly and made me laugh, almost making me feel normal, like I did before Phil, if that was possible anymore.

  I sat at the bar with him for hours, getting more and more wasted so that by the time he asked me if I wanted to go back to his hotel with him I was so far gone I just agreed and let him lead me out of the bar and into a taxi.

  Somewhere during that taxi ride I blacked out and when I woke up I found I was naked in a strange bed in a dark room. I bolted upright in a desperate panic and tried to remember where the hell I was. I turned to my right and saw the guy from the bar laid next to me, fast asleep and the night before, in the bar and getting into the taxi with him flashed back, but I couldn’t remember anything beyond the taxi..

  I lifted the sheet a little and saw he was naked too. I didn’t know what to do and in sheer panic I ran and locked myself in the bathroom. I had absolutely no recollection of anything that had happened after I got into that taxi. Had I slept with him? Oh God, please tell me I didn’t! I threw open the toilet as my stomach churned and I felt the desperate need to vomit. I was sick until I was sure internal organs had come up and then I realised I had to get it together and get the hell out of there! I stood again and instantly had to lean on the wall to steady myself. I was lightheaded and my thoughts seemed muffled and cloudy, like I couldn’t quite get them out fully. I moved shakily to the sink to wash my face and there right in the middle of it, sat a used condom. I started to panic even more. I had had sex with a complete stranger, and I couldn’t remember a second of it. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was wild, and makeup was smeared across my face and under my eyes
. Pain was radiating from my centre and when I looked down I saw fingertip bruises on my thighs, a lot of them. They were bruises I knew well from the numerous times Phil had viciously raped me. Had I been raped by that guy laid in the bed? Or had it just been rough sex? I had no clue. I couldn’t remember a second of it. Had I even been conscious?

  I took a deep breath to fight back the tears, nausea and dizziness then slipped out of the bathroom and looked around the dark room for my clothes. I had no idea what had happened, but I knew I had to get the hell out of there.

  All I could find was my knickers and my dress, which I pulled on as quickly as I could and then I hurried out of the room before the guy woke up. My bra, shoes and handbag had to be in there somewhere, but I didn’t care, I just had to get out of there.

  I ran out of the room and towards the lift. There was a small room with a vending and ice machine in the corner and I hurried in there and hid in the dark corner beside the ice machine. I sank to my knees crying and trembling, unable to hold it in anymore. I was in pieces just trying to remember what had happened to me. It was a good half an hour before I pulled myself together enough to get up and take the lift down to the ground floor. I had no idea what time it was, but the lobby of the hotel was silent, and it was still dark outside. I knew I had to get someone to come and get me, I had no shoes and no money, but still I dare not ring Matt or Jack. They would know what I had done if they found me like this and then they would find out about me going to the bar and getting wasted and the whole thing would unravel. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing the disappointment on their faces. Apart from that I didn’t know their phone numbers either. My phone was up in that room somewhere and I hadn’t yet managed to memorise their numbers.

  I went over to the phones in the lobby and found a phone book there. I looked up Rob’s security company and hoped I could contact him through his office. I rang the office number and it was answered by a rather gruff man. He refused to give me Rob’s mobile number, but instead took the number I was on and said he would have Rob call me back on it. I waited by the phone for a few minutes. My breathing was still a little frantic and my head was foggy as hell. Tears continued to run free and I couldn’t seem to control the terrible shaking . I was a mess and I just hoped no one from the hotel approached me. Luckily, there was only one guy at the reception desk, and he looked uninterested in me. Finally the phone started to ring a few minutes later.