Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  “Well, that’s the other thing I found out this morning. She’s been going to that crappy bar, that one a few blocks over, a lot. She’s been having some really nasty flashbacks and I think she’s been going to drink, to dull them. She’s really lost Matt and very lonely.”

  “Flashbacks?” She hadn’t said anything about flashbacks. I knew she had nightmares, but they had seemed to get better over the last few weeks, now I realised it was probably because she was wasted and unconscious.

  “She said she didn’t want to worry you and Jack any more than you already were.”

  “How long has it been going on?”

  “I don’t know, she said she’s been going most nights for weeks, whenever you and Jack were working. Jack said he thinks she might be suffering with depression.”

  “I thought she was doing so well Rob. I was just kidding myself. She’s still in pieces isn’t she?”

  “Yeah man. I think she is, but you’re not alone picking those pieces up Matt. Jack and I are here for her too. We’ll get her through. Right now, we have to focus on keeping her safe and taking out this fucking psycho.” That I agreed with! Let’s focus on killing this bastard in the most painful way possible!

  “There’s something else Matt.” Rob said guiltily.

  “Go on.” I urged; terrified what else he could have to tell me.

  “I sort of asked your sister out.” He admitted. I had never, in ten years seen him look so unsure of himself. It was weird.

  “What? Like out out? A date?” I asked.

  “Well, no…..not exactly. I just asked her if she wanted to spend the day with me. We’re gonna hit the mall, see a movie and get dinner. It wasn’t a date really.” He was fidgeting like mad and it was the oddest version of Rob I had ever seen.

  “But you want it to be?” It wasn’t really a question. The truth was all over his face.

  “Look man, I’ll be honest. I like her, ok? I like her a fuck of a lot and one day, when she’s ready? Yeah, I’d like a shot with her, but only if you’re good with it. Your my brother Matt. I’d never do anything to fuck that up.”

  “She’s fragile Rob. She’s not ready for dating and shit yet.” I cautioned.

  “I know and I swear I’d never rush her into anything. I’ll wait as long as she needs, but I really do care for her. I want a shot with her Matt. Can you deal with that if it happens?”

  “You’re a good guy and I know she’d be safe with you so yeah, I think after some adjustment I could handle it, but I swear to god Rob, you may be a shit ton bigger and more trained than me, but I will find a really fucking painful way to kill you if you hurt her in anyway.” I growled.

  “And I’ll fucking help him.” Jack added from where he appeared in the hallway.

  “That will never happen. If I’m lucky enough to call Lucy mine one day, I will spend every second keeping her safe and making her happy. You have my word guys.” Rob pledged.

  “Good enough for me.” I agreed as I held my hand out to him. We shook on it and that was the end of the matter. I just hoped Lucy could get to the point in her life where she was ready to move on. We had a ways to go yet.

  LUCY

  I couldn’t believe it when I woke up that morning. Thanks to the sleeping pills Jack gave me, I’d slept solidly for over ten hours with no nightmares! I’d had a blissful night filled with dreams of nothing, but Rob and it had put me in the happiest mood I had felt for years!

  I almost skipped into the shower and through my preparations for my day out with that wonderful man. I spent a good deal of time drying and setting my hair in huge loose curls. I put my makeup on with far more care than I had taken in a long time and I slipped on the outfit I had spent all night deciding on, a pair of dark skinny jeans with a black chiffon blouse and the cute black leather jacket Matt had paid an unspeakable amount for! I finished the outfit with my black heeled ankle boots and then I looked in the full-length mirror.

  “Bloody hell!” I couldn’t hold in my shock. It was an exceptionally long time since I looked in the mirror and really liked what I saw, but there, in that moment I looked good and I felt good too. I could see myself completely for the first time since that first night Phil hit me years ago. Maybe I was getting better, maybe I could find myself again. I couldn’t hold in my ridiculous smile as I headed into the kitchen where I could hear that Matt was already up. I turned the corner and was shocked to find not only him, but Rob sat at the breakfast bar sipping coffee. I checked the clock; I had an hour yet. He said ten, it was only nine!

  “Rob, what are you doing here already?” I asked, taking them both by surprise as I walked up behind them. They both turned with a start and then they were staring at me. Matt smiled the broadest smile I had seen since I arrived in the US.

  “Wow, Lucy you look beautiful darling.” He exclaimed, making me smile. I looked to Rob. He was frozen in place, not moving, just staring at me and making me feel paranoid. Did I look bad? Matt elbowed him, probably picking up on my feeling of nervousness. Rob seemed to shake off whatever thought had transfixed him and smiled at me.

  “Absolutely stunning Lucy…….stunning.” He remarked, making me beam. That’s the response I was looking for. He seemed to be shocked I could actually look good. That was worrying, had I looked that bad?

  “Thanks. You’re very early?” I said again.

  “I know. Sorry honey, just eager I guess.” He said with a smile. Eager to spend the day with me? He’d be the first to feel that way!

  “Come on Darling, grab some breakfast and then you guys can get going and enjoy yourselves.”

  “Shouldn’t you be at work Matt?” I asked. I was sure he’d told me he was doing a twelve hour shift that day.

  “No, not today. I’m working tonight, but then I’m off for the rest of this week actually. I thought I’d have a break and spend some much-needed fun time with you. We’ve barely done anything good since you got here.”

  “Really Matt?” I cried excitedly. He had done nothing but work for weeks and I missed him. The idea of spending a few days together sounded amazing. He nodded and I ran over to hug him. “Thank you. I know you did that for me and I’m so pleased. I’ve missed you.” He held me so tight I thought he may crush me, as though he thought if he didn’t hold on, I would disappear.

  “I’ve missed you too Darling. I’m going to cut down my hours from now on. I’m going to make the most of having you here with me, I promise.”

  “Matt, you don’t have to….” I began, but Matt cut me off.

  “No Lucy, I want to. My job’s taken priority for far too long. Not anymore! You’re here and I’m going to make the most of that.” He said firmly and I knew his mind was made up, so I just hugged him tighter. “Come on, get something to eat now.”

  I made myself a slice of toast and a cup of tea and took a seat beside Rob at the breakfast bar. Just being near him made me feel alive in a way I had never known before I met this man. He ignited responses from my body I had never experienced. I longed to reach out and touch him as I had that day he found me drunk in the bar, but I managed to control myself and instead focused on breakfast.

  “So, did you get your photos last night?” I asked as I looked the great distance up to his face.

  “Of Mr Weirdo?” He asked, making me smile.

  “Is that name sticking then?”

  “Absolutely and yes, I got the photos. I’d show you but they’d put you off your breakfast.” he said with a chuckle.

  “Who’s Mr Weirdo?” Matt asked with confusion.

  “The husband of my client. I had to get some photos of him doing something very strange last night!”

  “Ok. I don’t want to know any more, thank you very much!” Matt replied, making both Rob and I laugh. I finished up my breakfast in record time, just desperate to get out and spend some real time with Rob where I wasn’t a crying mess! I just knew I was going to have an amazing day.

  ROB

  The guys and I had been up all night deciding
what was best for Lucy. We all agreed that she was very fragile and the knowledge that Phil was near could push her over the edge, so it was decided we would keep her out of it for as long as we possibly could. We would make sure one of us was with her at all times and Jack was going to speak to her boss, Cal about keeping a watch on her at work. We had been up talking until seven AM that morning. After that Jack had gone home to sleep and Matt and I had gotten a couple of hours in the lounge, my in the armchair and Matt on the sofa. We had woken as soon as Lucy started moving around her room and I’d gone to Jacks to shower and change into clothes I kept there, while Matt had fixed coffee. It had been a very long, very stressful night and it was just the beginning of whatever Phil had in mind. We just had to find the piece of shit before he could come up with his next plot. I’d track him down. I was determined to. With any luck we would get rid of Phil without Lucy ever having to know anything at all.

  I helped Lucy into my SUV just after ten that morning. She looked just as nervous as me. I felt like I did on my first date at fourteen years old and this wasn’t even a date! I checked my rear-view mirror several times en-route to the mall, checking that one of my best guys, Alec, who had been tasked with following Lucy from a distance at all times, was close behind, which he was. I had faith that the other guys and I could take care of Lucy, but she was incredibly special to me, to all of us and I thought a little extra precaution wouldn’t hurt. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the resources.

  When we got to the mall Lucy was quiet at first. I took the lead as we strolled around the shops, chatting about my family, which consisted of me and my sister now my parents had passed away. I came from a happy, military family and I had had a great upbringing. My sister, Amy, lived just outside New York and I saw her usually on the big holidays and spoke to her often. Lucy listened with such interest as I chatted away and eventually she seemed to relax and started to tell me all about her own family, her parents and the happy childhood she and Matt had. From there the conversation simply flowed and we chatted about anything and everything, except for the last three years of Lucy’s life.

  She looked around clothes shops and asked my opinion on clothing I had no clue about. I enjoyed waiting outside the changing room while she tried things on, chatting to her through the door and getting to see her pop out of the cubicle looking spectacular in each and everything she tried on. She bought a few items, as did I. We stopped at the gelato bar for ice cream and I couldn’t hide my grin when she ordered the biggest ice cream on the menu. I relished every second of the happiness on her face as she tucked into it like an excited child. I knew with every moment I spent with her, my love for her was growing. I longed at every moment to gather her up into my arms and just hold her where I knew she was safe. I wanted to lavish her with gentle kisses and the love she deserved, but instead I stayed back and reigned myself in. I kept on telling myself, she wasn’t ready.

  I was also on high alert all day, constantly checking discreetly we weren’t being followed, other than Alec of course who was keeping a safe distance back so Lucy wouldn’t notice him. I didn’t see any sign of Phil thankfully, but I never dropped my guard. I knew now this guy was a sneaky fucker and I was ready for him.

  LUCY

  Although things had been a little tense to begin with, Rob and I had quickly seemed to become comfortable with each other and we had barely stopped talking for hours as we scoured the shops. I bought a few things, items I had noticed Rob take a special interest in when I tried them on. I knew it wasn’t a date, but it certainly felt like one and I definitely wished it were. I had said, when I stepped on the plane to Chicago. that I was done with men. I had told myself I would be content to be alone for the rest of my life if it meant never going through what I had been through again. Dying a lonely old cat lady had been fine by me. That day though, being with Rob alone and enjoying myself more than I ever remembered doing my resolve was slipping. Initially, although it had been in vain, I had tried to fight my feelings for Rob, tried to tell myself I was being foolish, but the more I got to know him, the more times I spent with him and with every single time he had been there when I needed him, I was quickly coming to the realisation that whether I wanted to or not, I was falling for him. I also quickly discovered that his nature and character were the complete polar opposite of Phil and that reassured me. I knew that Rob would never ever hurt me, never lay a hand on me or try to control me the way Phil had. He was bossy sure, and he had no problem badgering me on his side of things if it was for my safety, but he wasn’t a bully and he always heard me out, even if I was being irrational. He was a good man and I started to think maybe being with a man as wonderful as him wouldn’t be the worst thing a girl could do. It seemed it was completely useless to fight my feelings for him, they were too strong. I knew that day I had never been in love with Phil because I was in fact falling in love with Rob, fast, and it felt completely magical compared to anything I’d ever thought I felt for my dick husband. I only wished Rob felt the same, but why would he? He could have any woman he wanted, and I was just a plain Jane. Still, a girl could dream.

  ***

  Eventually we decided we should stop for some lunch and have a rest, which I was grateful for since my feet were killing me. Heels might not have been a wise decision. Rob showed me around to an Irish pub called O’Ryan’s. He beamed as he opened the door for me, and I realised he thought this was a taste of home for me.

  “Just like home.” I played along as we sat at a tiny table in the dark pub. To be fair it was like a British pub inside, but I hadn’t really been in many pubs, so it wasn’t exactly familiar to me.

  “I thought you’d like it,” He said with a smile. “Do you want a Guinness? I have to have Guinness when I come here, I love it.”

  “Never really been a Guinness fan myself. Can I just have a glass of Pinot please?”

  “Sure honey. I’ll be back in a minute.” I watched him walk over and stand at the bar. He really was spectacular, it couldn’t be denied, in his dark jeans and black polo t-shirt. The amazing body he worked out five times a week for was plain to see and he held himself so strongly and with such confidence. He had a backside I felt a wild urge to grab and when he briefly turned to me and smiled I almost swooned like a classic film damsel. He awoke the craziest, but most sensational feelings within me and most importantly for me at that time, I felt so completely safe when he was with me.

  “Here you go sweetheart.” He said as he placed a huge glass of wine in front of me.

  “Jesus! Is there a full bottle in there? Have you had to re-mortgage to buy that?” I gasped.

  “You look thirsty!” He joked. “Now, let’s eat! I’m starving!” He declared. The food in the pub turned out to be amazing. I had toad in the hole after convincing Rob there were no actual amphibians involved. I had missed good stodgy English food more than I realised. Eating was still a chore to me most of the time, but not that day. That day I was flying high and I ate almost the entire meal. Rob ate fish and chips like it was some radical gastronomy. When I told him about chip shops all over the place in England he declared he was moving there next week.

  I polished off three huge glasses of wine and found it quite easy to relax shortly after. I laughed and let go in a way I hadn’t for at least three years, if not longer. I was completely at ease with Rob and he could make me laugh like no one I had ever known. We were eventually interrupted by Rob’s mobile ringing.

  “Uh oh. It’s big brother!” He joked as he answered.

  “Hey Matt” He greeted with a smile across at me. He had stopped drinking after two pints, since he was driving, but he still seemed to be enjoying himself. “Sorry man, we lost track of time. We’re fine, just at O’Ryans having a drink……..Yeah, ok. We won’t be long.” He hung up and looked at his watch.

  “Jesus! I had no idea it was so late.”

  “Time f-flies when you’re h-having fun!” I slurred before a fit of giggles.

  “You’re wasted!” Rob laughed
.

  “I am not!”

  “You so are! Come on, we better get back before Matt has a heart attack.” He joked as he stood and held my jacket for me to put on.

  “I don’t want to go home. I’m having a great time!” I whined.

  “Me too. Come on Honey. We should get back before it gets too late. We’ll pick up some wine on the way back and watch a movie at yours. Matt’s going to work anyway isn’t he? I’ll stay with you. Sound good?”

  “Sounds great.” I agreed. He helped me into my jacket as I swayed side to side. We went to a 24-hour store next door to the bar and bought two bottles of wine then jumped in Rob’s SUV headed back to Matt’s apartment.

  “Thank you for today. I can’t remember the last time I had such a great time. It’s been a long while.” I whispered as he drove across the city. I felt wonderful, slightly buzzed from the wine and blissfully happy by the lovely day out we’d had.

  “Anytime sweetheart. I had an amazing day too. I loved spending time with you.” He said as he reached across and held my hand. We drove the rest of the way in silence. I clung to his hand, as he didn’t seem in a hurry to have it back. I sat there the whole way thinking about those eyes and that smile, his amazing smile. I wanted his hand to touch more than my hand, I wanted his lips on me. everywhere. I felt as though I were on fire, I needed him to touch me so badly. It was an uncontrollable desire I had never experienced before. I had never actually felt the need for a man to touch me. I had thought there was something wrong with me, especially since Phil had told me there was so very many times, but in that car with Rob there wasn’t a damned thing wrong. I wanted his touch more than I wanted air to breathe.

  By the time he pulled up out front of Matt’s apartment building I was a wreck and I needed to be closer to him. My desires were burning me up inside. I needed him, needed to know how love really felt. As soon as he pulled on the hand break I undid my seat belt and swung my leg around, so I straddled his huge lap in one swift move. He was certainly taken by surprise and he looked at me with shock.