Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  “Roy, you’re so fucking hot! I love you!” one girl screams. I don’t know who says it, and I don’t bother looking to find out.

  “Deed! Let me have you!” That one isn’t for me, so I keep chugging.

  “Roy! Please! Let me touch your hair!” Okay. I admit that one makes me laugh, but again, I don’t look.

  “Roy Sykes… remember me?” For some reason, that calm, familiar voice catches my attention. I jerk my gaze up, and as soon as I meet the sky-blue eyes I never thought I’d see again, I stop dead in my tracks. The girls continue to holler and reach for me, but I’m in the middle of the runway, shocked… stunned.

  She looks the same—actually better. Her hair is longer, her face still flawless. She’s wearing a shimmery silver dress, revealing her long, creamy legs, with heels to match, and seeing her like this—hotter than ever before—leaves me completely speechless.

  Taking one last step forward, close enough to see her clearly among the thick crowd, I part my lips, a part of me not wanting to say her name ever again, but a part of me yearning to roll it off my tongue. “Rose?” I murmur.

  I’m sure she can’t hear me over the screaming, but I know she’s read my lips because she looks from them to my eyes and nods. “Yes,” she says, thrilled. “It’s me, Roy. Rosemarie Beretta.”

  Roy

  My head isn’t in the game.

  Not a single part of me is in the mood to perform anymore, but I have to focus. Even though she’s here somewhere, I can’t let her or my memories bring me down or drag me behind. I wouldn’t say this performance is my best, but it certainly isn’t the worst. I’ve had worse, and I never want to venture to that side of me again.

  Helplessly, I scan the crowd, wanting to know exactly where she is and what the hell she’s doing here. I didn’t invite her, and I know for sure the boys wouldn’t have. This is a private party, so what the hell is she doing here?

  To my luck, I spot Kelsey entering the building with Eliza, and she looks ravishing. Her hair is pinned up, and she’s sporting a short black dress, revealing her long, glossy tan legs and the pair of swanky heels she must’ve bought while shopping today. I’ve never seen them before. She looks amazing, and the longer I stare at her, the more I feel the relief wash through me. The fact that Rosemarie is wandering about drifts away, but it completely disappears as Kelsey looks up and her green eyes lock with mine. She smiles as Eliza hooks arms with her and drags her to the bar. Even as she’s being drug through the growing crowd, she doesn’t take her eyes off of mine, and it puts me at ease. Seeing her always does that to me… and I’ve never been completely sure why.

  She and Eliza stop at the bar, but my heart thumps rapidly as they come to stand right beside the girl I don’t want around. And it sucks that, not only is Kelsey looking at me, Rose is, too. She has a drink in her hand, her lips curled at the corners, head bobbing to the music. My pulse races, throwing off my rhythm, and I fuck up on one part of the song. Montana pauses his showboating just long enough to shoot me an unnoticeable glare. I apologize with my eyes, and he rolls his before returning his attention to the crowd of girls again.

  Swallowing thickly, I look slowly toward the bar. I’m glad to see that Eliza and Kells have ordered their drinks and are now making their way toward the stage like a couple of fan-girls. Rose, though, is still sitting at the bar, her legs crossed. She’s still staring at me, and when I meet her eyes, she puts on a full smile.

  I snatch my gaze away. How the hell am I supposed to react right now? To be honest, I’m worried, bothered, and agitated. Is she here to ruin things for me again? Did she find me to try and get me to fall for her and her lies again? Well, if she did, it won’t work this time. I have someone who treats me way better than she ever did. Someone who doesn’t lie to me. She keeps it real with me, which is what I like… what I need.

  I take one more glance up, and Rose is now standing. She’s looking at the exit and my heart settles at a steady pace, hoping that, just maybe, she’ll get the clue I don’t want her here and it’s best for her to leave.

  Luckily, she picks up her purse and clomps her way toward the exit without so much as a glance back. I shut my eyes briefly, but I don’t let my fingers stop moving or my melody stop flowing. I look down at the front, meeting Kelsey’s eyes. I force a smile, and she forces one back. I guess I can’t hide my emotions when it comes to her. She knows me well. She can read me like a book. I’m sure she’ll be asking what’s wrong after our performances.

  I take a look at the exit again, and somehow, this happens repeatedly throughout the rest of our performance. Kelsey happens to look toward the exit, too, confused. I meet her eyes again, and if it were humanly possible, a large question mark would be floating above her head. Her eyes narrow, and she’s no longer bobbing or dancing to the music. I simply shake my head, my sign that it is, and never will be, anything important.

  She’s gone, and my only hope is that she’s gone permanently.

  The band is finally given an intermission.

  A DJ takes over while we head backstage to a reserved dressing room. We’re given a thirty-minute break, and this is honestly the first time I need it. After who I saw walking around, I need to put my mind at rest. Maybe she knows someone here, or maybe she’s related to the club owner and just so happened to be here. I’m hoping it’s something like that because if she’s up here for me, then things are about to go horribly wrong.

  I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even realize Montana has been glaring at me for the past five minutes. “Roy, what the fuck was that?” Montana asks, standing in front of me.

  “What was what?” I mutter, tossing my hair back.

  “You know, that shit on stage? You fucked up… twice. Good thing nobody caught it but me.”

  “I did,” Deed said, shrugging. “But it wasn’t a big deal. It’s not like the fans could tell. You picked it up nicely.”

  I ignore them both and slouch further into the couch, resting my head on the cushion. I shut my eyes, but not for long because there’s a knock at the door. Ben barges in, his eyes hard on me. “Sykes, seriously? If I could hear it, so could someone else!” he snaps.

  “Told you!” Montana shouts.

  “Look, I apologize. Okay? I didn’t mean to. My fingers slipped.” I look them both over, standing to my feet.

  “Well, don’t let them slip again. Binds is here,” Ben says.

  “What the hell is he here for?” Gage asks, entering the room with a frown.

  Ben twirls around, pressing his fingers to his chin. “Don’t know. He just showed up. I think he knows the birthday girl’s father or something. I don’t know. But this is more reason to keep it together. Understand?” Ben asks, turning back around to look at me.

  “Yeah,” I sigh out. I’m never the one to get scolded, but they’re all right. I can’t let that shit happen again, especially if Binds, the band’s owner, is hanging around the club.

  “All right, twenty more minutes and you’re back on stage for another thirty.” Ben walks past Gage and leaves the room. I inhale deeply, listening as his footsteps drift down the hallway. I know the boys are going to try and give me hell, so I walk past Gage, too, hurrying out the door and down the hallway before they can say a word.

  I barge through another door, taking another hallway until I see a bright red exit sign. A smile twitches at the corner of my lips as I spot it, and I hurry out, bustling out the door. I take a deep inhale of the night air, staring up at the hovering moon and stars. The door slams shut behind me, and I lean against it, lowering my gaze and staring at the pavement.

  “Long time,” a familiar voice says ahead of me.

  I gasp, staring up. Rose is walking toward me, her hands behind her back and a hint of a smile on her lips. “Rose, w-what the fuck are you doing here?”

  “Goodness, Roy, is that really how you greet me after seven years?” She’s joking around, but I’m dead serious. I push off the door and stand up straight, blinking rapidly. S
he stops in her tracks and tilts her head, as if she’s confused. Confused about what? She knew I’d be here. I didn’t know she would. “What is wrong with you?” she asks.

  “Nothing,” I mutter.

  “You’re acting like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” She continues walking toward me, a full smile on her lips now. “You couldn’t possibly think you’d never see me again.”

  “You were dead to me the last time I saw you, so perhaps this is like seeing a ghost.”

  “Oohh… harsh.” She hisses through her teeth, wincing a little. She seems different. More… carefree. She’s making everything seem like a joke when it isn’t. This is a serious matter. I really need to know why the hell she’s here.

  “Just tell me why you’re here,” I say boldly, meeting her halfway.

  Tilting her head again, she looks up into my eyes and bites her bottom lip. “I read the article about you when I was getting my hair done this morning. I was lucky enough to read into the ‘Life of Roy Sykes, lead guitarist of FireNine.’” She makes air quotations with her fingers. “I have to say, Roy, the stuff I read was kind of… mean. It hurt to read, but for some odd reason, I just couldn’t stop myself. It was interesting.”

  “So, that’s why you’re here? What, do you have someone here to kill me off because you didn’t like reading the truth?”

  Her eyes broaden. “I’m done with Red Round now. I’m on my own.”

  “And that’s why you’re here? Because you’re on your own, running back to the one guy who was foolish enough to take you back before?”

  “I’m not running back to you!” she snaps. “I’m here to make amends… to give you an apology. I don’t like how things left off between us, Roy.” She runs her hand down the front of my collared black shirt, but I back away, shaking my head. “And reading that article made me feel worse.”

  “We’ll never be what we were before, Rose.”

  “Why?” she asks. “Because you have… What’s her name?” She snaps her fingers. “Oh, right, Kelsey Prior.”

  “Yep. That’s exactly why,” I say confidently.

  Rose bites a smile and lowers her gaze. “Look, Roy, I’m not here to argue. I’m not here to get on your bad side even more. I’m just here to apologize, is all. So let me…”

  “Go ahead,” I mutter.

  She bites her bottom lip, shaking her head. “I can’t apologize like this. Not while you’re all surprised and angry. I’ll be busy tomorrow afternoon, but can we meet on Monday? I think we should catch up.”

  I draw in a breath through my teeth, debating on whether I want to see her face again or not. The old me—the one who wasn’t very forgiving of her—would’ve told her hell no. But the new me—the one who’s over her—is thinking, “go for it.” Meeting up isn’t going to harm me. If anything, my success and my love life is going to end up making her heart ache, not mine. I know it’s bad, but I want her to hurt. I want her to see how it feels to be forgotten about and let go of. I want her to experience how it feels to think you’re worthless.

  “Where do you wanna meet?” I finally ask.

  Her smile expands, and she bounces on her toes. “Really? You’re down for it?” she squeals.

  “Say somewhere before I change my mind.”

  “Okay… okay… um…” She ponders on it, staring down at the pavement. “Meet me at Willow’s on Broadway. Three in the afternoon? I’ve been dying to try it since I’ve been here.”

  “I’ll be there.” I begin to turn for the door, but before I manage to open it, Rose grabs the hook of my arm and spins me around.

  “Roy, it was nice seeing you tonight. I know you’re probably pissed I’m here, but…” She sinks her teeth into her bottom lip yet again, lifting her shoulders. “I’m really, really sorry. I hope you make it on Monday. I have a lot to tell you.”

  Without a word, I pull away from her and pull open the door. I’m halfway down the hallway before I hear the door slam shut behind me. I swallow the lump in my throat, disbelieving I actually agreed to meet her. But, some part of me longed for this moment—to see her again, and I hate that part of me. That part of me could just shut the hell up because, not too long ago, it despised everything about her, yet, it—along with myself—still had love for her.

  Groaning, I make my way down the next hallway, running my fingers across my face. I’m sweaty and clammy. I’m pissed she can still make me feel nervous. But what’s worse is spotting Kelsey standing in front of the dressing room the band is in. I stop in my tracks, eyes wide. She sees me and puts on a smile. I force one, and her smile disappears.

  “Did I… do something wrong?” she asks, walking toward me with her arms crossed.

  “No. What makes you think that?” I ask, laughing hoarsely.

  “I don’t know… forcing smiles, looking away from me whenever I look at you, distant eyes...” She reaches for my face and cups my jawline. “Tell me what’s up, Sykes.”

  “Nothing, babe. I’m fine. Seriously. Just… having a hard time concentrating.”

  “Why?”

  I think hard on my answer. I hate lying to her. I fucking hate it! But I know if I tell her the truth—that Rosemarie is here and I’m meeting her on Monday—she’ll slap me silly. She’ll probably never want to talk to me again. She’ll jump to conclusions. It’s best to keep Kelsey out of it, though. She has too much insecurity as it is.

  Fuck, this is hard.

  “Are you thinking about your mom?” she asks, her eyes soft, caring.

  I look at her, blinking quickly. This is an opportunity. “Uh… yeah. Just… wish she were here. You know?”

  Kelsey nods, and I hate myself for lying to her about what I’m thinking, yet again. “I understand, baby. But you know she’d want you to knock this performance out of the ballpark. Like Eliza always says, the people we love are always here in spirit. I don’t doubt it.” She gives a gentle smile, and I nuzzle my cheek into her hand before pulling her into me. I hug her tight, sighing over her shoulder, and she sighs, too, releasing the tension that once took hold of her. “I love you, Roy, but you gotta get your ass in gear,” she teases. “I heard you slip-up on stage.”

  Pulling back, I nod and kiss her cheek. “I know. It won’t happen again.”

  “That’s what I like to hear.” Kelsey gives me a tender kiss on the cheek and then walks backwards, towards the main hall. “I’ll be waiting for you after your performance.”

  “Cool deal.”

  With that, she’s winking at me, spinning around, and pulling the door open to walk out. It shuts behind her, and I shake my head, releasing the trapped breath in my lungs. Shutting my eyes briefly, I turn for the door but hesitate on twisting the knob.

  Damn it. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

  Kelsey

  Somehow, after a long weekend of getting drunk out of my mind with Eliza, I’m rushing through the lobby of Arts Global with stacks of papers and folders in hand. I check the time on my phone, and surprisingly, I’m on time. But I feel like shit. To wake up with a hammering skull sucks, but I’d much rather suck it up and deal with it than lose my job.

  I press the UP button for the elevator, and it opens right away. But inside is someone who I always feel uncomfortable around.

  Jace Lawrence.

  As he sees me, a wide grins spreads across his lips. Sighing, I tighten my grip around my folders and papers and step into the elevator. I slide to the farthest corner, keeping my eyes away from his.

  “And to think,” Jace says, turning towards me. “I was just about to head out for coffee.” The elevator doors slide closed, and I frown.

  “Well… why didn’t you?” I ask, exasperated already.

  “Strangest thing. After seeing you, I no longer feel the need for a caffeine boost.”

  “Look, Jace,” I shake my head, “I told you I’m not single. It’s pointless to keep flirting with me when you’re getting nothing out of it.”

  “True, but I’m not a quitter.” He win
ks and leans against the silver wall. “Plus, Roy Sykes is a lead guitarist. Don’t you think, after a while, he’ll want something more? I mean, he is famous, and with all the girls around, he might just slip up one day… and when he does, I’ll be here to rescue you.”

  “For your information, Roy isn’t like that. He doesn’t hand himself over to people. He’s the most closed off of them all.”

  “Doesn’t seem like it anymore. He’s starting to… open up. After reading his article, I have to say, he’s a brave guy. Maybe he’ll want to start exploring again. I mean, come on, Kelsey… that was a deep story. Really deep. If he can accomplish that, he can accomplish much more…”

  I glare at him. Although he’s beautiful with perfectly cropped blond hair, smoky grey eyes, and an impeccably toned body barely hidden beneath his button-up dress shirt, tie, and pants, he’s the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. He has his moments where he’s a true gentleman, but most of our encounters end up with him saying something that makes me want to sock him right in his fucking face.

  The elevator stops, and the doors shoot open. I step off the elevator, but my glare doesn’t leave Jace. “You know, maybe this is why you’ve never gotten a chance with me—or anyone. Ever. You say the wrong shit at the wrong time.”

  Shrugging and smirking, Jace steps back and leans against the wall again. I huff and turn on my heels, rushing for my office. I hold back on slamming the door, but I do end up slamming all my shit on top of the desk.

  Slumping down in my seat, I start my computer, hoping to avoid the nagging in the back of my mind. Jace’s comment surges forward in my mind, and I instantly flashback to Friday night and Roy acting really… out of character. He hardly looked at me or touched me all weekend. When I asked him about it yesterday morning, he kept making up excuses. He texted me, but it wasn’t the playful banter we usually do with each other. It’s serious… and that’s not like him when it comes to our relationship. There’s something he isn’t telling me, but I don’t want to dig too deep. Maybe telling his story for the magazine has brought back memories he doesn’t want to relive. Maybe it’s just a phase. Whatever it is, I hope he gets over it soon or at least tells me. I’m sure it isn’t just his mom on his mind. There’s something more.