Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  “Yes, he’s here, Mom,” Annabelle says, still holding me. Her cheek is pressed against my chest, and my arms are at an awkward stance… held in the air, unsure of whether I should keep holding her or just keep them midair. I’m not trying to be known as a pedophile of sixteen-year old girls.

  “Anna, please let him go,” her mom says, laughing.

  “Yes, please, Annabelle,” a familiar voice says from atop the staircase. My gaze switches from Annabelle’s mom to Rose, who is standing at the top of the staircase, sporting a long-sleeved green maxi-dress. Her hair is pulled up into a ponytail, a few tendrils hanging around her face and on the nape of her neck. There’s a casual smile on her lips, but I snatch my gaze away, doing my best not to stare at her. She knows exactly what she’s doing by wearing a dress that tight, and I’d be lying if I said Rose didn’t have high sex appeal, but I’m not buying into it. She’s not worth losing it all… again.

  “I’m Janice,” Annabelle’s mom says, meeting up to me and pulling her daughter back a step. She then reaches a hand toward me, and I take it, smiling.

  “Nice to meet you, Janice. Roy Sykes,” I return.

  “Oh, don’t bother introducing yourself, Roy,” Rose says taking the last step down. “She already knows your name and exactly who you are… and who you were to me.”

  I hold off on huffing, pulling my hand out of Janice’s. “Anyway,” Janice says. “Dinner is almost ready. Why don’t you all go sit in the den until then.”

  Fuck… no.

  “Yes! Let’s!” Annabelle says, grabbing my arm and dragging me down the hallway.

  We enter a dimly lit den with black leather couches and a fur rug. The fireplace is lit, making the room a lot warmer physically and mentally. It’s very welcoming.

  Annabelle drags me to the loveseat (of course) and pulls me down to sit with her. She gives all of her attention to me, turning her body in my direction, smiling so widely all of her teeth are showing. Rose enters the room moments later, the same casual smile on her lips.

  “I see you two are getting pretty acquainted,” she says, sitting in the single recliner across from us.

  “Actually, we are,” I say, smiling at Annabelle and patting her shoulder. She giggles, and I look from her to Rose.

  “Annabelle, why don’t you go and get your FireNine scrapbook. I’m sure Roy would love to see it. He’s always been so appreciative of his fans. He can never let them down.”

  I hold back on a frown as Annabelle jumps up and yells, “Great idea, Rose! He’s gonna love it!” She rushes out of the den, and I hear her footsteps going up the stairs.

  It takes every ounce of power within me not to put my attention on Rose. “So, how are the boys?” she asks.

  “Good.”

  “Good. I wanted to talk with them after the show, but I guess they got caught up.” She waves her hand in the air, as if dismissing the subject. “Any other shows or performances coming up?”

  “One in Detroit. The next in Washington. The one after that in North Carolina.”

  “North Carolina,” she repeats. “That’s pretty close to Virginia. I actually plan on moving back south… North Carolina seems like a great place.”

  “Should do it. There’s no one around to stop you, right? I mean, with you no longer associated with Red Round or Tommy, you’re a free as a butterfly.” I lift my hands and flutter my fingers, my voice full of sarcasm.

  She releases a light laugh, shaking her head. “I see you’re still upset about something.”

  I roll my eyes, carrying my gaze to the fireplace. I don’t have time for this. “When will dinner be ready?”

  I can feel her looking at me—glaring at me—but I don’t meet her eyes. I want her to know she’s a waste of my time and that I’m not here for her at all. I’m here for Annabelle. “Dinner should be ready any moment now. Aunt Janice will call.” She sighs and I look at her. She’s no longer looking at me. She’s staring at the tiger-print rug, her rosy lips turned down. “Roy, please don’t act like I’m nothing to you.”

  “I’m not acting like it. I’m proving it.”

  “Oh?” Her eyebrows shoot up. “Is that so?”

  I give her a solid look.

  She returns it. I guess her mafia habits are still with her. “Just… give me another shot. At being friends, Roy. I’ve changed. I know I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. You don’t think I feel guilty about everything I put you through? After divorcing Tommy, I realize how much it must’ve hurt you to know that I was never in love with you.”

  I furrow my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…” She lowers her head, shaking it. “I mean… Tommy was never in love with me. All that time, I thought we were serious, but during our whole marriage, he was treating another woman the exact same way he was treating me. I’m done with Red Round because Daddy took Tommy’s side instead of mine. They told me I was overreacting. I got fed up.”

  “Damn.” I shake my head, fighting a smile. “I always knew he was cheating on you. I didn’t think he’d live a second life while married, though.” I shrug, and in an instant, Rose jumps to her feet, glaring down at me.

  “You know, Roy, you don’t have to be so heartless. I have feelings, too. I was heartbroken, too. I’m sorry I did that to you. It was a mistake that I’ll never let happen again—”

  “Yeah, I know it won’t because I refuse to be the one to give you another chance at claiming my heart,” I hiss, standing.

  We stare at one another, the intensity increasing, my rapid heartbeat pounding against my eardrums. I think for a moment she’s going to slap me and tell me to go to hell, which is what I want, but that’s not what happens. Instead, she grabs my arm and pulls me into her, slamming my back into the nearest wall. I nearly fall on my way backwards.

  “What the hell are you do—” I’m not allowed enough time to complete my sentence. She pushes me against the wall again, pressing her chest against mine. Her eyes are trained on me, her arm around my neck. I can’t react fast enough when her lips land on mine. Her tongue slides into my mouth unremorsefully, and she moans, lifting her leg and struggling to hook it around my waist. Her dress lifts, and she forces my hand on her bare thigh. Her silky skin runs beneath the pads of my fingers, but before she can get them to her panty line, I snatch my hand away.

  And then, before she can twist her fingers in my hair, I shove her away, glaring down at her swollen red lips. “What the fuck are you doing, Rose?!”

  “Didn’t you want to know how it felt to kiss me one last time?” she asks, panting. “Didn’t you want to feel that passion? That fire? That release of achiness for just one tiny moment?”

  “Fuck no, Rose! I didn’t!” Fuck. Fuck. No. Fuck! Kelsey was right. She’s going to be pissed! “God, do you know what you just got me into?! I can’t believe I actually came here! I should’ve listened. Damn it, I can’t believe this shit!”

  Rose’s eyes are wide and confused. “I don’t give a shit what you’ve just gotten into, Roy. Your heart belongs to me. It always has. The only reason you’re with that girl is so you can get over me. We all know this, so stop denying it. You still love me!”

  “Fuck you, Rose.”

  “Fuck me?” she breathes. “Fuck me? Yeah, I’d actually love for you to fuck me right now. You have so much spirit now, Roy. Maybe me breaking your heart was a good thing. It’s given you personality. Before, you used to agree with me on everything.”

  “Yeah, because I loved you, Rose.”

  “What girl wants her boyfriend to agree with everything she says these days? Where’s the fire? The passion? The heated arguments, smacking each other around and then making up afterwards? We hardly had any of those. It was always the same thing. Nothing new.”

  I widen my eyes. I can’t believe she’s just said that. “Is that what you had with Tommy? Is that what you want? Someone to slap you around, tell you what to do, say no… treat you like a fucking dog?”
r />   “He didn’t treat me like a dog,” she mutters viciously.

  “Oh, yeah. You’re right. He treated you like a bitch. The spoiled, ungrateful bitch you are! Right?” She gasps, and the next thing I know, the palm of her hand is coming across my face. It stings, but it’s bearable. I turn my head slowly, glaring into her eyes. I’m not done with her. “I should’ve known coming here was a fucking mistake,” I continue. “You were a mistake. I hope you live with the broken heart you have. I hope you fucking suffer every. Single. Day. I hope you crave for him to be with you, and I hope he never comes through. You don’t deserve to be happy, Rose.” I know she’s pissed. I see it in her eyes. They’re becoming dark and cloudy. I see it all over her red face. But what the hell do I care? I mean every fucking word I’ve just said.

  I push past her and rush out of the den. I take the corner to get past the stairwell, and when I see the front door, relief takes over every part of me. I’m surprised I make it out the door, but before I can make it to my car, Rose storms out, rushing after me.

  “You can wish all of that upon me Roy,” she says, meeting up to me and stabbing a finger on my chest. “But you wanna know what I hope?” She’s breathless, flustered. “I hope that Kelsey Prior, whoever she is, leaves you behind like a heap of trash. You kissed me back. You touched me. You wanted to keep touching me. I could tell. I felt it. You think you’re better than me now just because you’re famous and have her, but you’re not. You’re the same guy you were seven years ago. Weak. Boring. Nothing’s changed!”

  Blinking rapidly, I swallow the brick in my throat. Before I can respond, Rose is backing away with a devious smile on her lips. She then turns around and rushes away and as she marches up the stoop Janice and Annabelle step outside with confused glares, Annabelle with her scrapbook.

  Rose simply shakes her head at them and wraps her arms around their shoulders, turning them back around. Before the door can slam shut, Rose glances over her shoulder, the same smirk on her lips. When the door finally slams, it causes me to jolt, but I can’t help the dumbfounded, helpless look I have on my face.

  I hate myself. I hate myself even more for not listening to Kelsey. I know I’m probably going to destroy myself when Kelsey tells me off and leaves me behind. I promised her I would never hurt her, but I could hear the hurt in her voice earlier. That should’ve been my sign that I needed to forget about this whole thing with Rose and her little cousin and run to her. Run like fucking Forrest Gump.

  “Damn it!” I shout, kicking the tire of my car. “Goddamn it!” I fist my hair, pacing back and forth in front of my car.

  Deep inside, I know I’ve just lost someone who’s treated me like nothing but a king. Someone who would’ve done anything for me at any given time. She’s my queen. My soul mate. I screwed up… and what sucks is I’ll have to see her fall apart when I tell her what just happened. I could lie to her and act like nothing ever happened, but that’s not me. I’m not a dog. I love her, and I deserve whatever is about to happen. I deserve her wrath. I should’ve fucking listened. She deserves so much more than me.

  I’m fucked.

  Kelsey

  There’s pounding going on somewhere. And it’s really annoying. I’m half asleep, unsure if I’m dreaming or if I’m awake. I’m aware of my surroundings… I’m aware that I’m lying in bed… sideways… my arm dangling over the edge.

  Another pounding. “Kelsey! Please open the door! I left my key at home.”

  This voice is vaguely familiar, and when I hear him beg, “Please” again, I groan and perk myself up. I know exactly who it is, but the real question is do I want to see him or not? I’m still sort of pissed at him.

  After eating a tub of ice cream, I settled down a little and realized I overreacted. I knew I could trust Roy. I was just hoping he’d make the right choice by going home like I said. Even though he didn’t, I know he isn’t a fool. I know he wouldn’t do anything to ruin things between us.

  I grab the brass doorknob and swing it open. Roy steps back, staring at me with wide, nearly black eyes. “What the hell?” I mutter as he marches past me. He starts to pace, and I slowly close the door behind me, my gaze not daring to drift from him. He’s walking in front of my sofa like a madman, a worried look on his face.

  His worry gets to me, and the longer he remains silent, the more I’m worrying. “Roy, what happened?” I ask stepping in front of him.

  It’s completely unexpected when he pulls me into him and crushes my lips. My eyes are wide, and his are closed, so I figure, what the hell? Maybe he’s come to his senses and knows what Kelsey says, goes.

  Indulging in his embrace, I crane my arms around his neck, sinking further and further into him. His damp lips drag from mine to the hollow of my neck, down to my collarbone, and then back up to my neck again. A moan pushes out of me as I tilt my head back. I love this. Every minute of it. He grabs my ass and squeezes it. I moan, whispering his name, wanting him to do it again.

  “God, Kelsey, I’m so fucking sorry,” Roy whispers, and when he says that, my eyes pop open. I start to pull away, but he holds on tighter, still kissing me. He’s kissing everywhere. My cheeks, my neck, my chest, my forehead, my shoulder…

  “What do you mean you’re sorry?” I ask. “What did you do?”

  He’s quiet, and quiet is far from good right now.

  “Roy.” I tilt his chin up, forcing him to look into my eyes. “Tell me what the hell happened.”

  “I can’t, Kells. If I tell you, you’ll hate me. You’ll leave me.”

  “I can never hate you,” I say. I don’t know how I’m maintaining control of my patience, especially when he’s acting this way. He’s never been like this. Never. I sit him on the couch and take the place beside him. He grabs my hand and kisses my knuckles. I watch him kiss each one before I meet his eyes again, allowing mine to beg for answers. His eyes are low and lazy. And perhaps my mind is still foggy because it didn’t register before, but I smell alcohol. And lots of it. No. Roy hardly drinks. Why would he be drunk?

  Just to test him out, I kiss him again, adding tongue. He returns the tongue, and then I taste it. And then I know.

  “Roy, you’re drunk. Why?” My tone is serious now.

  “Kelsey, I need you to listen to me… and promise me right now that you won’t get mad at what I’m about to tell you.”

  I blink rapidly. “Okay. I won’t get mad.”

  He draws in a deep breath, standing to his feet. He starts to pace in front of the couch again, and I frown up at him, confused about this entire moment.

  “You know I went to dinner for Rosemarie’s cousin,” he says, stopping his pacing.

  “Yeah?” I say, unsure of where this is going.

  “Well, we didn’t get to the dinner part.”

  “Why?”

  “Because…” He blinks slowly, staring me in the eyes. “Because… Rose ended up… kissing me.”

  “She did what?!” I hop to my feet, glaring at him. He steps back, blinking quickly.

  “Kelsey, I know I should’ve listened to you. I knew Rose was up to something—”

  “Then why the hell did you go there?!” I shout.

  “I… I don’t know!” he shouts back. “I don’t fucking know, Kelsey. I wanted some kind of closure with her. I was tired of feeling like she owned every aspect of my life. I was letting my heartbreak over her control me. And she doesn’t anymore. I told her how I really felt. I realize what she really is. Selfish. She’ll always be selfish.”

  “That doesn’t change a thing, Roy,” I say, tears building at the rims of my eyes. My head shakes. My mind is boggling right now. I’m not sure what to think. I’m not even sure how angry to get. “Let me ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth.”

  “Okay,” he whispers, lowering his gaze.

  “Did you kiss her back?”

  “I—” He hesitates with his words, and his hesitation is proof enough that he most likely did. If he hadn’t kissed her, he would’ve
said “no” in an instant. But the fact that he has nothing to say… wow. I’m… I can’t believe it. “I really didn’t try to, Kelsey. It all happened so quickly. It was a mistake. It’ll never happen again. I’ll never go against your word again, for as long as I live,” he pleads.

  I press my lips, taking a few steps away from him. “The thing is, Roy, I sort of knew you would screw up. When it comes to her, how can I compete with that? I can never live up to your first love. Never.” The tears are falling now. I can feel my heart crumbling, shattering like tiny shards of broken glass.

  “You don’t have to compete, Kells. You mean so much to me. It doesn’t matter that she was my first love. I’m over that. You’re my final love. You’re my world now.”

  “Not anymore,” I whisper.

  “Not any—what do you mean not anymore?”

  “Going there would ruin everything! I told you!” I point at him, and I want so badly to slap him, but I hold back. Damn it, it hurts so much more than before. So much more. “Just… leave, Roy. You have to go,” I say, marching for the door. I unlock it and pull it open, but he continues to stand in front of the sofa, his eyes wide, mouth gaping.

  “Kelsey, please…” He makes his way toward me, cradling my face in his hands. I want to pull away, but I don’t. A part of me wants this comfort, but the other part of me wants him gone. As soon as possible. “Please don’t do this. You have my heart. It was because of you that I believed in love again. You can’t strip that away from me.”

  “You promised you’d never hurt me. You promised me you’d never break my heart. You promised me you’d be nothing like Rick! You promised me lies, Roy! I gave you a chance, but you’re just like him! Just fucking like him. So yes, I will strip this away from you. Men like you, who don’t appreciate what they already have when they have it, don’t deserve me. Men, who have to get drunk just to tell me the truth, don’t deserve me. You could’ve come clean to me the first day you saw her—at the party. But you didn’t. You decided to lie and keep it to yourself. I don’t need to bring another liar into my life.” I swallow hard, tears blinding me. “Roy I—I trusted you. You told me I could trust you. I thought you’d be different.”