Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  I end up texting Kelsey, asking her to call me back when she gets the chance. With a sigh, I start the car and head to my condo, hoping that, after we have this dinner, I’ll be able to get rid of Rose and all of the thoughts I’ve had about her this past weekend.

  I can’t let her occupy my mind like this, not when things are going so smoothly in my life, with the love of my life. Now isn’t the time to have rumors floating around, and now definitely isn’t the time to have Kelsey doubting me or our relationship.

  Kelsey

  I thought it was bad earlier, but it’s worse now.

  Usually, my days at Arts Global pass by me. Sometimes I wonder how the hours have flown over my head when it feels like I’ve gotten so little work done. But today… it’s a completely different story.

  After seeing Roy, I just feel… insignificant. Roy is the closest I’ve ever been with any man. The love we have is deep and natural. It’s like we’re meant for each other, but that’s just how I feel about us. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way yet.

  And the text I get from him ticks me off.

  Roy: Call me as soon as you can. Something important to tell you.

  He sounds too serious. Maybe what he’s about to tell me is he’s done with me… for his mysterious blond bimbo. Well, no. Not today. Not this time. This time, I’ll be the one to put my foot down. I’ll be the one to tell him that I’m done and I don’t have time to be walked over, used, or hurt. I’m hurting now, but I’m going to woman up. As soon as I’m off for the day, I’m going to his condo, and I will call it off if I find out he’s been lying to me. I’ve had enough lies in my life, and he knows this. I don’t need anymore. I don’t deserve it.

  God. What is he hiding from me?

  “Knock, knock,” a familiar voice chimes from the door. I’m so lost in my thoughts and this project that I don’t even realize the sun is setting outside my window. I look up, and a relieved smile takes over my face as I spot my best friend and former co-worker, Eliza, standing at the entrance of my office with a container in hand.

  “Hey, chick. Am I glad to see you or what?” I sigh.

  Eliza frowns, narrowing her eyes as she walks toward my desk. “You know, usually you’re excited to get my meatballs and spaghetti on these agonizing Monday’s. What’s up?” she asks, sitting in the chair across from me.

  “You wouldn’t believe it if I told you.”

  “Try me,” she tempts, crossing her arms.

  I sigh, fighting the tears that want to be shed. “I saw Roy meeting a girl at some restaurant on Broadway.” Eliza’s eyes expand, but I continue. She hasn’t heard anything yet. “And he was… happy to see her. She hugged him… so hard Eliza. So hard. And he was smiling. He was so happy seeing her… genuinely happy. I’ve never seen him smile like that with me before… I don’t think.”

  “Damn.”

  “What?” I ask quickly.

  “You’re right. I don’t believe you,” she says, eyes still wide.

  I nod, lowering my gaze and picking up a pen.

  “Has he tried getting in contact with you?”

  “He’s texted me, yeah…”

  “And?” she urges.

  “And I didn’t text back.”

  She glares at me. “Why not?”

  “Because I didn’t want to, Eliza. He’s been hiding stuff from me—lying to me. For all I know he could be married to that girl! How would I know when he never tells me shit? I thought I was overreacting this past weekend, but now I see I wasn’t. He was acting so distant during and after his performances at that party. Before that we were kind of okay. I know telling his story kind of bothered him all over again, but other than that, he seemed fine.”

  Eliza laughs, and I glare at her.

  “What the hell is so funny?” I snap.

  “I’m sorry, Kelsey, but I just can’t see Roy messing around with another woman behind your back… I just can’t. He talks about you every time I see him. Gage tells me all the new songs Roy has written are about you. You can’t possibly believe Roy is messing around. Look, what if the woman he met at the restaurant is someone he hired to get ideas on how to ask you to marry him… huh?” She wiggles her eyebrows, grinning.

  I can’t help but laugh at her. “This is serious, Eliza. I’m hurting.” I pout and drop my chin on my desk.

  She sighs and then stands. She walks around my desk and lays a hand on my back, rubbing circles. “I know how you feel. But please, Kelsey… don’t assume anything. Remember what you told me before—that what Gage and Penelope were going through was some big misunderstanding—and you were right. It was. I just decided to believe he wanted nothing to do with me, but that’s because you could see past everything. I only wanted to see what I felt and believed. And, right now, I’m telling you that there is no way in hell Roy Sykes would give you up, not after treating you like his queen. Not after begging you to move in with him for months. Not after rocking you to sleep when you miss your Grams, or telling you corny jokes in front of everyone just to get you to laugh. Roy appreciates you,” she says, her voice soft. It’s so soft I want to burst into tears. She’s right. I don’t know the full story. I don’t even know who the woman is.

  “What is your heart telling you right now?” she asks, lifting me up.

  I sit up straight and sigh, running my fingers through my curly hair. “It’s telling me that I should go to Roy’s condo unannounced and demand answers, and if he doesn’t provide them, I should smack him.”

  “Your heart is very violent,” Eliza teases.

  “Well, if we’re being honest… my heart is telling me to call him back to see what’s really up.”

  “Good girl.” She pats the top of my head. “Now, if you would, please eat this spaghetti. Dalton and I put a lot of love into it. Actually, there might be a little bit of his drool in there for you to enjoy.” Winking, she twirls around and plops into the chair across from me. She folds her fingers on her crossed knees, and I stare from her rock-like diamond ring to her smiling eyes.

  “What’s with you?” I ask, reaching for the container. “You seem so… happy today.”

  “That’s because I am.”

  “Why?”

  She adjusts in her seat, smiling like a schoolgirl with a crush. “Gage is taking me and Dalton to the Bahamas. Some surprise trip. I’m just really happy to know he’s still trying to keep our relationship alive. Just because we have a kid doesn’t mean the fun has to stop. Just… glad he knows that.”

  “Aw, so sweet, Liza Bear,” I tease.

  She laughs. “Please, leave that with Ben.” She stands from her chair, tucking her platinum blond hair behind her ears. “Speaking of Ben, I was supposed to call him earlier. Maybe I should now. I’m gonna get outta here. Just wanted to stop by and check on you.”

  “Yeah. Thanks, chick.” I force a smile at her. At least someone’s completely happy.

  Before Eliza is out of the door, she spins around and looks me in the eye. “Call Roy, Kelsey. Don’t let assumptions ruin you. Assumptions are deadly. You taught me that. I’ll call you later.” I nod, and with a gentle smile from her, she turns and walks away.

  I blow out a breath and push the container of spaghetti away from me. I can’t even eat with this knotted ball of confusion and aggravation at the pit of my stomach, but Eliza’s right. I should call Roy back and see what’s up. I need answers. I’m not trying to lose someone like him. Someone who’s been so good to me.

  Not my Roy.

  When I arrive home, I give Roy a call, and, unfortunately, he doesn’t answer. Sighing, I slip out of my jacket and hang it on the coat rack. I take a look around my apartment, remembering why I always end up telling Roy no whenever he asks me to move in with him.

  There are times when Roy begs me to move in with him. He tells me he’ll take care of me and that I’ll never have to worry about bills or money to shop, but how can I move in with someone who doesn’t tell me everything. He’s harboring something, and I’d really like t
o know what. If he wants to make this work, he has to reveal everything; otherwise, it’ll just be a waste of our time.

  I take the spaghetti Eliza made out of the container, dump it into a bowl, and stuff it in the microwave. After it’s reheated, I head to the living room and slump on my warm, suede sofa. Watching TV and stuffing my face with spaghetti should do my mind some good. It’s better than thinking about the “what if’s” and “I hope he isn’t…”

  It’s just my unfortunate luck that I end up falling asleep. I happen to be one of the heaviest sleepers ever. When I wake up about an hour later, I see three missed calls from Roy. I call him back immediately, hoping he’ll pick up.

  He answers on the third ring, and he seems… breathless.

  “Kelsey,” he breathes into the phone.

  “Yeah? What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “Nothing, just walking…”

  I frown. “Where?” To meet your mystery blonde woman?

  “To my car. Look, you’re not going to believe this,” he says, and the way he says it makes my throat close in a little.

  “What, Roy?” I whisper.

  He’s hesitant for a moment. He’s choking on his words, most likely debating on whether he should tell me or not. He better tell me.

  “Okay…” I hear him blow out a breath, “Rosemarie is in town. I’m heading to her aunt’s house for dinner right now.”

  Oh, God. This is worse. Much worse. My throat is closing in on itself. I can’t breathe. My heart, is failing to beat. I have to stand up and walk in order to process exactly what he’s just said to me and what the hell to say back to him.

  “Is that… is she who you met earlier?”

  “E-earlier?” he repeats, stuttering.

  “Yes, Roy. Earlier,” I snap. “I… saw you. I saw you meet up with her. I saw her hug you. I saw you smiling. You were… happy to see her, were you not?”

  “No, Kells, I wasn’t. Why would I be happy to see her?”

  I ignore his question. “Then what the hell were you meeting her for? And why the hell are you going to her aunt’s house for dinner when you’ve already met up with her once?” I’m furious now. This is much worse. I’d honestly prefer him messing around with a random blonde bimbo that I don’t know than his ex-girlfriend, Rosemarie. Fucking Rosemarie! His first love? How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?

  “Wait,” I mutter, shaking my head. “Don’t tell me you’re leaving me for her, Roy. After all she’s done to you and put you through. After lying to you and making you believe she was in love with you when she never really was…”

  I hear him swallow on his end. He’s silent, but I can hear the cars passing by and honking their horns, the pedestrians murmuring and talking around him. “Kells, I’m not leaving you. Ever. I’m only meeting her because she wants to introduce me to her little cousin, Annabelle. It was Annabelle’s sweet sixteen party on Saturday. And Rose was there. I promised I would come for Annabelle, but I told her that I’m only staying for dinner. No dessert. No wine… no extra shit like that.”

  “Ugh!” Really, I’m disgusted. “Are you kidding me, Roy? She’s just setting you up! Are you really that weak for her? To believe anything she says?”

  Silence on his end.

  Frustration on mine.

  I pinch the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes, holding back my tears. “Roy, just go home, please,” I whisper. “Please, for the sake of this relationship and all we stand for, go home. I won’t be able to trust you around her.”

  “Kells, I can’t. You have to trust me. I promised I would show up for Annabelle. She’s a fan of FireNine. She’s been looking forward to meeting me all day. I don’t want to disappoint her.”

  “Yes, I know but… don’t stay for dinner. Just go and see Annabelle, take a few pictures with her and then tell them you have to go home.” Roy remains silent, and my heart beats erratically, on the brink of exploding in my chest. “Roy, if you stay for dinner with Rosemarie, the girl that you fell in love with first and would have done anything for, I’m calling this off. I can’t…” I gasp, and then it hits me. I’m crying. Damn it. So much for staying strong. “Roy, I can’t sit here for hours, wondering what the hell you’re doing! Now I see why you were acting so weird last weekend. Don’t you realize that if she can still get to you like this, that she can do so much more? You were practically ignoring me last weekend.” I swipe my tears away and walk toward my balcony window. “Do you still care for her?” I ask.

  He sniffs on his end. “I… I really don’t know, Kells. I told you I couldn’t stand her, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about her. I can never stop caring about her, just like you can’t stop caring about Rick, no matter what he put you through before.”

  To hell with Rick. “This has nothing to do with Rick. Do you still love her?” I demand, frowning.

  “No, I don’t fucking love her! I love you, Kelsey! You’re the one I’m in love with now. I’m only going over for dinner! After that’s over, I’ll have nothing to do with Rose. Nothing. I told her this. She knows this. You’re the love of my life now… don’t doubt me. Okay? Just… trust me.”

  A heavy feeling weighs on my shoulders. My mouth becomes dry. I clench my fist, wanting to believe him, wanting to say so much more… but I’m tired of arguing. It’s obvious he isn’t going to change his mind about having dinner with his ex-girlfriend and her family.

  “If I was really the love of your life, Roy…” I say, keeping my voice tight, “we wouldn’t be having his conversation. Between me, and her and her family, my opinion should matter the most right now.”

  Roy calls my name a dozen times, but it’s too late. I’ve already pulled the phone away from my ear. I end the call and burst into tears. Damn it. It’s just like being heartbroken all over again.

  And it’s not that I don’t trust him. I don’t trust her. The way he described her to me makes her a sneaky bitch, and I don’t like sneaky bitches. You can’t trust them. She can get under his skin and make him believe anything. I hope he isn’t dumb enough to believe her lies because, if so, I’m done. If he does, I know I’ve already lost him. Roy will be out of my life, and I’ll only have to worry about me, myself, and I.

  I scrub my eyes, wanting the tears to stop, but they don’t. They keep falling, and my eyes are getting puffier by the minute. I can hardly see out of my balcony window. I can’t even think straight. All I want is for us to be happy. I want her gone. I want him here. I want us to go back to how it once was, before that stupid article in the magazine and before Rosemarie waltzed back into his life. I just want us right now. I never should’ve talked him into sharing his story. It should’ve remained our secret. I thought it would do him some good, but it’s only made things worse. He obviously misses her and wants to spend some time with her again.

  “Please, Roy, just go home,” I beg inside, my eyes sealed tight. “Prove to me that I come before her, and everyone else.”

  Roy

  I realize now, I’ve really fucked up. Like, really, really fucked up.

  What in the hell was I thinking? Hiding shit from Kelsey? My girl. I guess because I knew she’d react this way. She wouldn’t have trusted me meeting Rose at all, but if I was able to get through lunch with her, I’m certain I can get through dinner. Besides, I’m not going to dinner for her. I’m going for her cousin, Annabelle.

  I approach a two-story mansion, surprised this is the home her aunt owns. The driveway is empty, so I pull up front. Taking a deep breath, I shut my car off and stare ahead at the gold chandelier dangling above the door. It’s elegant and rich looking.

  I bet her aunt, whoever she is, is married to some man who’s a part of Red Round. It’s the only explanation as to why she has such a grand home. Isn’t it always that way? Everyone in the family has something to do with the mafia?

  I don’t know.

  I finally hop out of the car, tucking my hair behind my ears and then zipping my jacket. After locking my car behind me, I walk up t
he stoop, my heart beating faster than it was before. Cool the fuck out, I scold myself. It’s just dinner, and as soon as it’s over, Rose will be out of my hair. I’ll be at Kelsey’s apartment telling her everything. I have a few words to say to Rose that I’ve been dying to say since I saw her walking down that street with Tommy the last night I saw her… seven years ago.

  I give three knocks on the door and wait until an airy voice says, “Coming!” I know it’s not Rose.

  The door swings open, and a young girl with brunette curls and wide grey eyes smiles up at me. A gasp escapes her lips, and she starts bouncing on her toes, screaming, “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! It’s you! You really showed up! I can’t believe it!”

  I’ve never been one to handle compliments, so I simply smile and nod.

  “You’ve gotta be freezing. Come in,” she says, reaching for my hand and dragging me inside. Damn, this girl is strong. She slams the door and then steps around me, grinning widely. “Wow… you’re so… tall,” she says, looking me over. She has to be at least six inches shorter than me.

  “I am,” I say, pressing my lips and nodding. “You must be Annabelle.”

  “Ah! You know my name! You said my name!” she shrieks. “Am I allowed to, like, hug you?” she asks, eyes hopeful.

  I laugh out loud and shrug. “I don’t see any harm in that.” I open my arms, and she rushes into them, bouncing on her toes and squealing as she wraps her arms around me. I swear her arms are like anacondas. Her hold is so damn tight, but it’s understandable for a girl her age meeting a guy like me. I forget sometimes that people see me as some sort of rock god.

  “Anna, who’s here?” An older woman with dark hair and a little grey at her temples rushes down the hallway with a pink oven mitt covering her hand. “Oh, he’s here already?” Her eyes are wide, a smooth smile taking over her plum-smothered lips.