This Changes Everything

by Helen Mcginn

  ‘Annie, it’s not that simple.’

  ‘Yes, yes, it is, actually. It couldn’t be simpler. Come on, Jess! This is exciting! I’m excited!’

  ‘Well, I feel sick so can we hold that thought and I’ll let you know as soon as I’ve done a test.’

  ‘Done. We can get one on our way home.’

  ‘No, I’ll do one later when I’m back in London. After the meeting.’

  ‘Seriously? How can you bear to wait that long?’

  ‘Well…’ The thought of having to tell Ben that despite being back in his life for only a matter of months they might be having a baby together was just too awful to even think about.

  ‘OK, whenever you like… but I think it’s amazing. Thank God I didn’t know before speaking to Mum.’

  ‘How was she?’

  ‘She sounded fine, actually. I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Quiet but relieved, I think. Probably a bit freaked out by the speed of it all. Call in if you can, she’d love it.’

  ‘OK, I’ll see how we go.’

  ‘Everything all right for you?’ It was Harry, the friendly face from the night before.

  ‘Lovely, thank you,’ said Jess, despite the largely untouched breakfast that sat on the plate in front of her.

  ‘It’s so heavenly here, I slept like a baby,’ said Annie. Jess shot her a look.

  ‘Glad you liked it.’ Harry started removing the plates from the table. ‘Did we not do your eggs to your liking?’

  ‘No, honestly… I think I’m just still full from last night. Could we have the bill, please?’ Jess was relieved the egg was out of sight.

  ‘It’s all done, actually. Ed, your… brother? He paid.’

  ‘Really?’ Annie couldn’t help but laugh.

  ‘Well, he didn’t need to do that,’ said Jess, sounding faintly annoyed.

  ‘Oh, come on, Jess. That’s really kind of him.’ Annie looked at Harry apologetically. ‘Thank you. We’ll just grab our stuff, then.’

  ‘Great. It was really nice to meet you both. Ed is a… well, I don’t need to tell you, but he’s a good man.’

  ‘Thank you, Harry,’ said Annie. ‘I’m glad we got to meet him here. This place is like a giant hug.’

  ‘Excuse me a moment.’ Jess pushed her chair away. ‘Where’s the…?’

  ‘Loo? Over there.’ Harry nodded at the door to the side of the fireplace and Jess made a dash for it. ‘She OK?’ Harry looked concerned.

  ‘She will be.’ Annie looked at Harry, a great beaming smile on her face.

  Four hours and seemingly endless dual carriageways later, Annie was back at home throwing still-damp swimming things into a bag and a few hastily scooped-up ingredients into the fridge. She looked at the clock. She had precisely two minutes to get to school. The trip took ten. The events of the previous evening suddenly felt like a distant, extraordinary dream. One she couldn’t wait to share with James. She reached for her phone to call the school, reassure them she was, in fact, coming to collect her children. An unread message: it was from Clare.

  See you at swimming. I’ll grab kids. You bring snacks.

  ‘You bloody angel!’ Annie shouted at the phone as she punched in her reply.

  Half an hour later, with blue plastic covers on their shoes, Clare and Annie sat poolside in deep conversation, faces flushed pink from the heat of the stuffy, chlorine-infused air.

  ‘Then what happened?’ Clare could hardly contain her delight at such a dramatic storyline.

  ‘Well, then… he walked in.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And it was like meeting an old friend. I mean, it was a bit strange to start with, obviously. I was so nervous. We both were. But then, he looked so familiar, so like Mum. And Patrick. He’s just… so… I don’t even know. That’s the thing. In theory, I don’t know him. But I feel like I’ve known him for years. Does that make sense?’

  ‘It really does, Annie. They say there’s always a connection of sorts.’

  ‘Exactly, a bond. And it feels like it doesn’t matter that it took so long to find each other because we’ve got the rest of our lives to enjoy it.’

  ‘Mum! MUM!’ Annie looked up across to the other side of the pool to see Rufus signalling madly for her to watch.

  ‘Watching,’ she mouthed back. The noise of the swimming pool when lessons were in full swing was akin to the seventh circle of hell, as far as Annie was concerned. Rufus plopped into the pool with a pencil dive, resurfacing seconds later with an enormous grin on his face. Annie clapped her approval.

  ‘Anyway,’ she continued, an eye on the pool, ‘he’s asked us to go down to meet his family. Once he’s met Mum and Patrick, of course.’

  ‘Really? Does he have a family?’

  ‘Yes, wife and three kids. His parents – adoptive parents, that is – both died a few years ago. They were quite a bit older than Mum and Patrick, apparently. They sounded lovely, though. He obviously had a happy childhood. But,’ Annie dropped her voice to a whisper, ‘you’ll never guess what?’

  ‘What?’ Clare whispered in return.

  ‘OK, I know this makes me sound shallow but I have to tell you because I know how much you’ll appreciate it.’

  ‘Oh, come ON, what?’

  ‘He used to be a pop star.’

  ‘FUCK. OFF.’ Clare wasn’t whispering now. Heads turned disapprovingly. Annie smiled at the other mothers apologetically.

  She turned back to Clare. ‘No, I’m serious. He was the drummer in Ten Green Bottles. Remember them?’

  ‘Oh my God, yes! The gorgeous one at the back! With the cheekbones! I always thought he should have been the front man.’

  ‘No, he was very happy to be at the back. Honestly, the way he tells it, he was an accidental pop star. He’s a farmer now.’ Annie felt ridiculously proud telling Clare this, even though she realised that just a few days before she’d known next to nothing about Ed.

  ‘Mama, I’m cold…’ Clare’s daughter, Eve, stood in front of her.

  ‘Come here, sweetie.’ Clare wrapped a towel around her. ‘Right, let’s go. Where’s your brother?’ Eve pointed at the boys, still messing about in the water.

  ‘Rufus, Ned, come on, it’s time to go. Max can come back for tea with us.’ She turned to Clare. ‘I’m doing their tea tonight.’

  ‘You’ve only just got back. Please don’t—’

  ‘Look, it’s only fish fingers, with an Angel Delight chaser if they’re lucky. It’s the least I can do. I definitely owe you.’

  ‘Will there be wine?’ Clare looked hopefully at her friend.

  ‘Abso-bloody-lutely.’

  Julia sat on her garden bench. The air was cool, perfectly still. An aeroplane left a long, thin trail of smoke high in the clear sky above and she watched it until it disappeared out of view. She’d hoped a few hours in the garden would help her feel better but her limbs felt heavy.

  Long-tailed tits crowded round the birdfeeders hanging from the branches of the magnolia tree. They worked quickly, helping themselves to food before taking flight together, only to return a few moments later.

  Julia heard the garden gate open. She stood slowly, pulling her thick wool cardigan tightly around her. ‘Jess, is that you?’

  ‘It’s me.’

  The voice wasn’t one she knew. Julia turned towards the gate to see a tall man standing before her, smiling a little.

  ‘I’m sorry to come unannounced but I just couldn’t wait any longer.’

  ‘William?’ Julia turned towards him, her hands covering her mouth in shock. ‘It’s you…’

  For a moment, they stood rooted to the spot, neither daring to believe the other was there.

  ‘You’re here!’ Julia put her hands on Ed’s shoulders. Then she hugged him with all her might. ‘How did you know where to find me?’

  ‘They told me the name of your village last night, about your cottage on the green. Luckily, there’s only one Wisteria Cottage here.’

  ‘But how…? When…?’ Julia s
tood back, her hands around his. She looked into his eyes, so new to her and yet so utterly familiar.

  ‘Well, after I met Annie and Jess last night, they said you’d hoped to meet me sooner rather than later but that it was up to me. And this morning, Sophie, my wife, took one look at me and told me to get in my car and come straight here. So I did. I’m sorry if—’

  ‘Oh, William… Ed. Should I call you Ed?’ Julia looked at him, studied his face. ‘I think I should call you Ed.’

  ‘Well, that would definitely make things simpler.’ They both laughed gently, nervously.

  ‘Honestly, please don’t say sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry, for goodness’ sake. I’m just so, so sorry.’

  ‘Listen, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Not just since I got the letter from the agency, I mean long before that. And I know you will tell me in due course what happened, fill in the gaps. But I promise you, I don’t want or need you to apologise for anything. In fact, it’s the last thing I want.’

  ‘OK, no more apologies.’ Julia wiped at her eyes briefly with the back of her hand. She looked at him, his eyes framed with the same long lashes as his father’s were. ‘Come on, let’s sit.’ They sat side by side on the bench, a small silence between them. ‘So, the girls tell me you have a wonderful family.’

  ‘I do, I really do. Sophie – who made me promise to tell you that she can’t wait to meet you, too – and the children.’

  ‘What are they called?’

  ‘Edie’s our eldest, she’s eight; Johnnie’s five, nearly six, and Isla is two.’

  ‘And your parents?’

  Ed looked at the ground. ‘They were lovely, really they were.’

  ‘Oh, that’s so good to hear.’ Julia put her hand on his arm. ‘I just wanted you to be happy. To be loved and looked after, because I could give you the love but I had nothing else to give. Not a roof over your head, food to eat.’ She shook her head. ‘And not a day, a moment has gone by when I haven’t wondered how you are, hoping you are happy wherever you might be.’

  Ed met her gaze. ‘I promise you I have been very lucky. Of course I often wondered about you and about my real father… more as I got older. After we had Edie, to be honest. In fact, I almost started looking for you then but there was something that stopped me, and it would have felt disloyal to my parents. I just couldn’t ever quite pluck up the courage to do it. Sophie says it was my way of avoiding disappointment, in case you couldn’t be found. Or didn’t want to see me. Annoyingly, I know she’s right.’

  Julia laughed. ‘I think she’s right, too. And on my side, I had to promise not to look for you. My mother…’ Julia looked out across the garden.

  ‘Look, I honestly don’t feel anything but relief to have found you. When I first learned your daughters were looking for me I admit I did wonder whether it was all better left as it was. I think, perhaps, I had… feelings about being adopted in the first place I didn’t know were there. Or perhaps hadn’t allowed myself to think about. But since the moment I met Annie and Jess, it has felt…’ he searched for the right words, ‘strangely inevitable.’

  ‘And my letter. I want you to know I wished you’d had that years ago but I was never allowed to…’

  ‘I know. Jess and Annie told me the story. Well, what they knew. I want to hear it from you too one day, but please don’t feel you owe me an explanation. That’s not what this is about.’

  ‘I understand, thank you.’

  ‘I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you.’ Ed’s voice caught in his throat. ‘I mean, I look at my own children and the thought of…’ He stopped himself. ‘Sorry, that’s probably a really insensitive thing to say.’

  ‘Not at all.’ Julia thought of those black shoes and laces, blinking the memory away. ‘I will always feel sadness for those missed years, but the most important thing is that we’ve found each other. And we’ll have plenty of time to talk about the past.’

  ‘But there’s also the future to think about, too.’ He took her hands in his. ‘Can I introduce you to my family one day soon?’

  ‘My darling boy, there’s nothing I’d love more.’

  Jess looked out of the rain-covered window, watching the blur of lights outside. The traffic moved slowly but she was grateful to be cocooned in the warmth of the cab. Ahead, the lights changed from green to amber to red and back again. Cars edged slowly forwards, horns sounding in frustration.

  ‘I’m going to go up and round, if that’s all right with you. Otherwise we’ll be here for hours.’ The cab driver glanced at her over his shoulder.

  ‘Good idea, thank you.’ She went back to looking into shop windows, watching people walk along the street hunched over their phones. She looked up, seeing the Christmas lights lining the street up ahead. ‘When did they go up?’

  ‘A couple of weeks ago, love. Can’t believe it’s that time of year already. Mind you, I swear it gets earlier every year.’

  She wondered how on earth she could have missed them, given she walked along this stretch of road almost every day on her way to work. Her phone buzzed in her hand.

  ‘Hi…’ Seeing his name on her phone was still taking some getting used to.

  ‘Hi, what time can you be here? I’ve got a table, last minute, but we’ve got to be out by half eight. Is that OK?’

  ‘Perfect. I’m a few minutes away.’

  She pulled the band from her hair, letting it fall loose onto her shoulders. Adding a slick of red lipstick before the taxi stopped, she waved her card at the machine and thanked the driver, hopping out onto Piccadilly.

  As she walked through the doors into the packed restaurant, the noise, a joyous layering of conversations, seemed to fill the room.

  ‘I’m meeting someone here, he’s just been given a table…’

  The waitress smiled. ‘Yes, I’ll take you over. Can I take your coat?’

  Jess shook her head. ‘I’m OK, thanks.’

  ‘Follow me.’

  They weaved through the tables until they reached one at the back, to the left. A small booth clearly meant for more than two.

  ‘How did you manage that?’ Jess asked as she slid into the seat opposite him.

  ‘Front of house is an old friend.’ Ben grinned, standing up to greet her. ‘How did the meeting go?’

  ‘Well, I think. I mean, there’s still a bit of work to be done but I think we’ll get there.’ Jess sat down, reaching straight for the bread.

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’ asked the waitress.

  ‘Gin and tonic?’ Ben looked at Jess.

  ‘Water’s fine, thanks.’

  ‘Just another beer for me, thanks.’ Ben knew Jess didn’t order water unless something was wrong. ‘So, how was last night? Did it all go OK? Did he turn up?’

  ‘Yes, he turned up.’ Jess laughed. ‘I mean, we had dinner…’ She trailed off, tears coming to her eyes.

  ‘Oh, Jess, I know it’s a lot to take in but he’s only just found out who you all are. It’s going to take time…’

  Jess shook her head. ‘It’s not that. Ben, I’ve got something to tell you and I’m going to say it all at once. I’m going to close my eyes whilst I say it and then keep them closed for a moment when I’ve finished. And when I open them, if you’re not sitting there any more I will completely understand. Seriously. Go. I won’t come after you. I mean, again… ever.’

  ‘Jess, please. What is it?’ Was that fear in his voice?

  ‘OK.’ She looked at him, let out a long breath, closed her eyes gently and clenched her fists under the table. ‘I’m pregnant. I did a test earlier today, halfway up the M3. Not on the side of the motorway, obviously. I mean at the services. Anyway, I’d been feeling a bit weird for a week or so, just put it down to a bug or something. Then when we were at the pub last night Annie realised what it might mean. I thought I’d wait until I got back to London but then I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I had the meeting this afternoon and we’d just spent an evening with my brother
– who really is lovely, by the way – and I was supposed to stop in and see Mum, but I just couldn’t think straight, about this, about you, about anything. So I dropped Annie, stopped at the motorway services on the way back to London, did the test in the loo and… here I am. Pregnant. And feeling slightly sick. Still with my eyes closed. And hoping with all my heart that when I open my eyes in about thirty seconds that you’re still there…’

  Silence.

  Suddenly the noise of the rest of the room resurfaced. She could hear every conversation around her. But she couldn’t hear him.

  Slowly, she opened her eyes.

  16

  Patrick stood in his room, staring at his small suitcase. For someone who’d spent years throwing things in a bag at the last minute he was surprisingly indecisive about packing to head to Cornwall for a couple of nights.

  ‘Dad! Are you nearly ready?’ his daughter called up the stairs. ‘Come on, we’re all waiting!’ She sounded so like Kathy, he thought. Ever since her mother’s death Emma had been the one to keep an eye on Patrick, visiting him every other week. She was infuriatingly bossy, always telling him off for not having the right food in the fridge or letting the washing pile up. But she was also a complete tonic: funny and bright and hugely entertaining. Introducing her to the idea of Julia, let alone a half-sibling, had caused Patrick endless worrying. But Emma and her husband, Monty, had loved the idea of coming with him to Cornwall to meet up with everyone – and to meet Ed for the first time.

  ‘Did you speak to Ollie?’ Patrick came down the stairs, small case in hand.

  ‘Yes, he’s asked us to FaceTime when we’re there. He doesn’t want to miss out, obviously.’ Emma stood at the bottom of the stairs. She was, as ever, a colourful sight, draped in a long, deep red linen coat, a cream cotton scarf around her neck and a bright blue silk scarf somehow holding the majority of her blond curls off her face and out of her piercing blue eyes.

  ‘It’s such a shame he couldn’t come back for this.’