'Til I Kissed You

by Pam Howes

  ‘He’s only got a mum. She wasn’t home when the taxi dropped him off. He said he’d tell her he got into a fight. Jules’s mum knows he’s gay and that sometimes lads who can’t handle it pick on him. She won’t think a bloody nose is anything too out of the ordinary.’

  ‘Will he be pressing charges against your father?’

  Jason shook his head. ‘Course not. I asked him if he wanted to and he gave me his word that he wouldn’t. Jules and I don’t want our friendship to be common knowledge, Mum. We haven’t done anything wrong. It’s against the law ‘til we’re twenty-one and we want to wait. We just like being together, it’s comfortable.’

  Sammy ruffled his hair and smiled. ‘Thanks for telling me that. It makes me feel a bit better. Maybe you’ll change as you get older.’

  ‘It’s not something I’m going to grow out of.’ Jason rolled his eyes. ‘You might as well get used to it.’

  ‘Oh, Jason, it doesn’t matter. You’re my son and I love you so very much. So does your dad. It might not be apparent by his recent actions, but he does, believe me.’

  Jason finished his brandy and stood up. ‘I’m going to have a bath and an early night. See you in the morning, Mum.’

  ‘Goodnight, love.’ She kissed him and watched as he left the room, his head held high.

  ***

  Livvy had just settled on the sofa with a cup of tea when the intercom buzzed impatiently. She froze, cup halfway to her lips.

  ‘Oh no,’ she moaned softly. She knew it would be Roy. Most people pressed it once. It buzzed again and again. Sitting glued to the sofa, she hardly dared breathe in case he heard her. He would know she was home; her car was on the car park. She sat for what seemed like ages and then jumped out of her skin as something hit the lounge window with a resounding thud.

  ‘I know you’re up there. Let me in.’ Another clod of earth hit the window and he shouted again. He sounded really angry, she thought, sick to her stomach. She jumped up and peered through the window. He was standing on the path below, looking up with a furious expression on his face.

  ‘What are you playing at? Let me in, for God’s sake. The woman in this flat opposite has just threatened to call the police if I don’t stop shouting. Oh, fuck off, Mrs!’ Roy turned his attention to the downstairs window and gestured rudely.

  ‘Go to the door,’ she mouthed and released the catch.

  He was upstairs in seconds, burst into the flat, marched past her and sat down on the sofa. With an angry gesture he flung his jacket on the floor and lit a cigarette. She followed him into the room.

  ‘Sit down!’ he ordered, pointing at the chair to his right.

  Livvy meekly obeyed, not daring to look at him. She felt him staring at her with his dark broody eyes while she nervously pleated the hem of her oversize T-shirt. She wished she’d put on more clothes now, she felt vulnerable and half naked as Roy’s eyes bore into her.

  ‘Well?’ he demanded. ‘What have you got to say for yourself?’

  She bit her trembling lip and tried not to cry, but the tears ran unbidden down her cheeks.

  ‘I really trusted you, Livvy and you’ve let me down big time.’

  ‘Sorry, Roy,’ she mumbled, still avoiding his gaze.

  ‘So what the fuck are we going to do about this mess? Are you too far gone to have an abortion?’

  Livvy felt very sick and took a deep breath to calm her churning stomach. This wasn’t what she wanted to hear from him at all, but it was no more than she’d expected.

  ‘I’m not sure, probably,’ she faltered.

  ‘Right, well first thing tomorrow you’d better find out and if it’s not too late we’ll make the arrangements,’ he said, puffing frantically on his cigarette.

  ‘I don’t want to get rid of it.’

  ‘What? You can’t possibly want it. Think of all the problems you’ll have bringing it up alone. You needn’t think I’ll be around to help you because I won’t be. You said you were on the pill. I can’t believe you deceived me over something so important. I told you I didn’t want complications like this the last time I was here, didn’t I?’

  She nodded. ‘I was already pregnant then, but I didn’t really know, Roy, honestly.’ She planted herself firmly in front of him, arms folded across her swollen belly, courage coming from somewhere deep inside.

  ‘I’m not asking you for anything. I didn’t even really want you to know. I only told Eddie ’cos I was scared. If Sammy hadn’t paid me a visit I was going to pretend it was someone else’s baby. You have absolutely no rights to come into my home and tell me what to do with my body. You once told me that no baby is ever unwanted. Well I am having this baby, whether you like it or not. I can’t believe I ever thought I loved you. You’re as selfish as the next man. You only wanted sex. Just get out of my sight, I hate you!’ She turned and ran into her bedroom, slammed the door behind her, flung herself down on the bed and sobbed into her pillow.

  ***

  Roy lit another cigarette and remained seated. Seeing Livvy standing there in front of him, with her arms folded protectively over her bump, telling him what she thought of him, had taken him by surprise. He’d never had her down for a feisty little piece before, but she was certainly that tonight. He supposed it was the mother hen protecting her chick thing. Hell fire, and now she thought he’d only wanted her for sex. That wasn’t true, he loved her but he also loved and wanted Sammy.

  What the hell was he supposed to do? He’d come here with the intention of keeping a stiff upper lip, persuade Livvy it was in everyone’s best interests to abort the baby, hand over a cheque for the cost and then he could wash his hands of the whole bloody mess. But who was he kidding, exactly whose interests was it in the best of? Certainly not Livvy’s, probably not his own either, and Sammy had already accepted the fact that Livvy wanted to keep the child anyway.

  He finished his cigarette and tapped on Livvy’s bedroom door. ‘Liv, can I come in please?’

  There was no reply so he pushed the door open. She was lying face down on the bed, sobbing. He sat by her side and gently touched her shoulder. She looked at him, nose running, eyes swollen and her face blotchy. Tendrils of hair were sticking to her wet cheeks, making her look like a child who was crying because she’d broken her favourite dolly.

  ‘I told you to go-o a-way,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Do I ever do anything anyone tells me?’ He pulled her into an upright position.

  ‘No, I don’t suppose you ever do,’ she cried.

  ‘Well then, that’s why I’m still here.’ He took her in his arms and cradled her.

  ‘I’m sorry Roy, really I am. I did take the pill; I can show you the packets. But I missed a couple and that’s how this happened. I know I should have told you, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have had a go at you like that. You getting so upset can’t be good for the baby.’ He pulled up her T-shirt and ran his hand gently over her swollen belly.

  ‘It’s quite big already,’ he said. ‘I didn’t realise. How long have you known for sure?’

  ‘Ironically, the results came back the day Nick died,’ Livvy sniffed.

  Roy swallowed hard and nodded.

  ‘When did you tell Ed?’

  ‘The day of Nick’s memorial service,’ she replied.

  ‘He told me he’d spoken to you. Did you ask him not to tell me?’

  ‘No, I wanted you to know at that point. I asked him to give you the message that I was pregnant, but he said he couldn’t because you and Sammy were in a bad way.’

  Roy sighed. ‘I realise he thought that was for the best, but I wish he’d told me. You shouldn’t have had to cope on your own.’

  ‘It wouldn’t have made any difference, Roy. I would still have decided to keep it.’ A note of defiance had crept into her voice.

  ‘Okay, okay.’ He held up his hands. ‘So, when is this baby of ours due?’

  ‘March the tenth,’ she replied.

  ‘When are you pla
nning on giving up work?’

  ‘Probably after Christmas I should think.’

  ‘Right, well let me get my head around things for a day or two. I’ll need to talk it over with Sammy, but I’m sure we can come up with a plan to help you financially. We can pay the rent on your flat for starters, buy all the baby stuff you’ll need and make sure you have enough to live off once it’s born. You won’t have to struggle. How does that sound?’

  ‘Thank you, it’s very generous of you.’

  ‘I can’t offer to marry you or anything. Sammy and me, well we’re trying to patch things up. I’m staying in a hotel for now and I move into a flat on Monday. We’ve got family problems with Jason as well as coping with Nick’s death. Sammy and Jason both need me right now and I really need them.’

  Livvy nodded. ‘I understand. Will Sammy object to you doing all those things for me?’

  ‘I doubt it, she’s not an ogre. She’s a wonderful woman and it took guts for her to come here and face you like she did.’

  ‘You’re right, it did. I couldn’t have done it. Would you like a cup of tea, Roy? I’d made one before you arrived, but it’ll be cold by now.’

  ‘I’d love one.’ He lifted her off the bed. ‘You’ll look like a little barrel in a few weeks if this baby keeps on growing at the same rate.’ He kissed her gently and in spite of just having had sex with Sammy less than an hour ago, there was familiar twitching. ‘I do love you, Livvy, I’ve told you that often enough, but I’m torn between the devil and the deep blue sea. I’ll be around and I’ll do everything financially to help that I can, but I can’t marry you. You do understand that, don’t you?’ As she nodded he continued.

  ‘There’s one thing that you must promise me and it’s more to protect Sammy and Jason than me. You have to keep it to yourself that I’m the baby’s father, certainly for the time being anyway. It’ll come out soon enough, but we’ll be stronger to cope with the backlash by then.’

  ‘I will, but you told me earlier that you wouldn’t be around for me.’

  ‘I was angry. I’ll be there for you, I promise, and another thing…’

  ‘What’s that?’ she asked curiously, looking into his eyes.

  ‘I didn’t just want you for sex. I wanted you because I love you.’

  ‘You said wanted, does that mean that you don’t want me anymore?’

  He pulled her onto his knee and pressed her hand against his crotch. ‘What do you think?’

  Livvy smiled at him through her tears. ‘Hard again, Mr Cantello!’

  ‘Well there’s your answer.’ He lifted her arms and pulled off her T-shirt. He lowered her gently back onto the bed and removed his own clothes, tossing them onto the floor.

  Roy gently made love to Livvy, realising that tonight it was what she needed and not their usual wild time. Making love to her had not been in his plans for tonight, nor had it been with Sammy earlier, but then, Roy told himself, just when you least expect it, these things always seem to happen. Afterwards he held her in his arms and told her he was staying for the night. She smiled and for the first time in weeks, drifted into a deep and contented sleep.

  ***

  Jon left Aunt Sally’s, a huge weight lifted from his shoulders and with a bit more of his life jigsaw in place. The family had made him more than welcome and he’d felt instantly comfortable with them. His cousins, Sally’s offspring, Brian, Kevin and Grace, all older than he and married with families of their own, had extended invitations to visit their homes at anytime.

  Furnishing Jon with addresses and phone numbers, they were all pleased to formally meet at last, the mysterious cousin they’d heard so much about, whose father was the rock drummer and song-writer, Eddie Mellor.

  His grandma, a tiny lady with a blue-rinsed Margaret Thatcher hairdo, was nothing like the formidable ogre his dad had painted her, and indeed, she’d even asked after Eddie and Jane’s health. She’d invited Jon to visit her at her East Sussex home and told him to bring Jess with him if she would like. Jon thanked her and said that if Jess felt up to it he was sure she’d be pleased to accept the invitation and they’d visit in the not too distant future.

  Sitting on a chair next to a teak wall unit, Jon spotted a framed photograph of a familiar face. ‘May I,’ he asked as Sally nodded. He picked up the frame and stared at the photo.

  ‘That was taken in Angie’s last term at school, the year before she married your dad,’ Sally told him.

  In her school uniform, Angie looked young, pretty and full of fun. Her light brown hair fell in soft curls on her shoulders, her green eyes sparkled with happiness and a dimple in each cheek highlighted her mischievous grin. Jon studied his mum closely, biting his lip to stop the tears.

  ‘She doesn’t look old enough to be almost married and a parent,’ he said.

  ‘She wasn’t and neither was your father,’ his grandma said. ‘They were foolish kids who should have known better. Still, they weren’t the first to make that mistake and they certainly won’t be the last. But Eddie and Jane have done a wonderful job of bringing you up, Jonathon. Angie would have been very proud of you. I want you to pass that on to Eddie, and let him know that I’d like bygones to be bygones.

  ‘We never saw eye to eye. He always had a bee in his bonnet that I blamed him solely for Angie’s pregnancy. But my daughter was a wild one and it took the pair of them to tango. I couldn’t get close to Eddie; he was always on the defensive. Their marriage was doomed from the start; they were better apart. Eddie was happier with Jane and Angie with Richard. It’s a pity Angie and Richard didn’t have more time together. Will you pass my condolences on to Roy and Sammy over the loss of their son? Rebel that he was, I always liked Roy Cantello. He had a caring heart and he looked after Eddie like a brother.’

  Jon nodded. ‘I’ll do that.’ He got to his feet. ‘I’m sorry to leave so early, but I like to spend time with Jess before she goes to sleep. She’s very depressed at the moment. She and Nick had planned to marry in December.’

  Sally nodded sympathetically. ‘Well, Jonathon, don’t be a stranger. Come and visit us again and bring your sister. Have you any more sisters and brothers by the way or is it just you and Jess?’

  Jon grinned. ‘No. After Dad finished touring with The Raiders he decided he wanted to add to the family. He and Jane got busy and we have Katie who’s eight and Dominic seven. They’re a handful, especially Katie. Dad’s a house-husband, he looks after them and Mum runs a clothing business with Roy’s wife, Sammy.’

  ‘I can’t picture Eddie in a flowery pinny,’ Sally laughed. ‘Leather jackets and drainpipe jeans used to be more his style.’

  ‘He’s not quite at that stage,’ Jon said. ‘He and Roy still write songs and they’re re-forming The Raiders when Tim and Pat come home from the States.’

  ‘Oh, so young Tim’s in America, is he?’ his grandma said.

  ‘I forget that you obviously knew them all,’ Jon said. ‘He’s back home on Saturday after years of living in Nashville. He and Pat have two young daughters now. Pat’s had breast cancer recently, so they’ve decided to return to England.’

  ‘I hope she makes a full recovery,’ his grandma said. ‘Our Angie used to follow that group all over the show when they first started out. It was your father she was after, of course and she was determined to win him. She achieved her goal, even if it did all backfire in the end. Ah well, youth never learns, does it? Go on, Jonathon, off you go. Get back to that sister of yours. We’ll look forward to seeing you again soon.’

  ***

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

  ‘How did it go?’ Eddie asked, searching Jon’s face for clues that he might have discovered the truth.

  ‘Fine, Dad. They’re a really nice bunch. Grandma talked a lot about Angie and you as well. She said she’d like to make her peace with you.’

  ‘There’s a turn up for the books. She used to be a right old witch.’

  ‘She’s a little old lady with a blue-rinse now. She’s invited me to
her home and the offer extends to Jess, too.’

  ‘That’s nice of her,’ Jane said, walking into the room.

  ‘Hmm. I thought so. Is Jess upstairs?’

  ‘She is. She’s waiting for you. Her plaster comes off her wrist tomorrow, so dad’s taking her to the hospital and then he’s going swimming with Roy.’

  ‘Bloody hell, how come?’ Jon grinned. ‘I thought you’d given up on the keep fit after the jogging nearly killed you.’

  ‘We need to build up stamina before we start performing live again,’ his dad replied. ‘Anyway, Roy has a distinct lack of physical activity in his life at the moment.’

  Jane raised an eyebrow. ‘Not any more. I’ve just been speaking to Sammy.’

  ‘They’re back together?’ Jon asked.

  ‘Not that you’d notice. Roy’s sleeping at the hotel later. He ate with Sammy this evening and shall we say they reached a mutual understanding,’ Jane replied. ‘He’s gone to see Livvy now, supposedly to sort out a plan of action to help her.’

  ‘More exercise then?’ Jon quipped.

  ‘Oh, Jon, trust you. Even Roy wouldn’t stoop that low. Would he?’ Jane turned to Eddie.

  ‘I don’t know love. I’m not Roy’s keeper.’ If Eddie knew Roy, one look into Livvy’s baby-blues and he’d be lost.

  ***

  Jon tapped on Jess’s door and walked in. She was reclining against the pillows, reading a magazine.

  ‘Hi, Jess.’ He bent to kiss her cheek and felt the heat rush to his face.

  ‘Hi, you. Sit me up.’ She held out her arms.

  He lifted her into a sitting position. His hands brushed against her breasts through the thin cotton of her nightdress and he jerked away.

  ‘What’s wrong? Do I make you nervous?’

  ‘Of course not.’ He took a deep breath. Maybe it was time to tell her how he felt. Keeping it to himself was killing him inside. She might understand, or more likely tell him to get lost. She was looking at him, head on one side. What if he spoiled the closeness they shared? She might never speak to him again. ‘It’s me,’ he began, feeling his eyes fill. ‘For a while now I’ve been having these weird feelings when I’m close to you. It’s freaking me out, Jess.’