—Matteo Salvini, Italian member of the European Parliament
“Politics is when you say you are going to do one thing while intending to do another. Then you do neither what you said nor what you intended.”
—Saddam Hussein
“I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived.”
—Winston Churchill
“Tell him I can only deal with one sh*t at a time.”
—Winston Churchill, on being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal
“Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison.”
—Lady Astor, to Winston Churchill
“So many of the people in the arenas here were under-privileged anyway. This is working very well for them.”
—Barbara Bush, talking about people that found shelter in sports arenas during Hurricane Katrina
“Germany probably thinks its population is moribund, and it is probably seeking to lower wages and continue to recruit slaves through mass immigration.”
“I’m not saying that the gas chambers didn’t exist. I couldn’t see them myself.”
“Tolerance? What does that mean? I am a very tolerant and hospitable person, like you. Would you accept 12 illegal immigrants moving into your flat? You would not! On top of that, they start to remove the wallpaper! Some of them would steal your wallet and brutalize your wife. You would not accept that! Consequently, we are hospitable, but we decide with whom we want to be.”
—Jean-Marie Le Pen, former leader of the French National Front party
“I don’t care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating.”
—William Magear Tweed, aka Boss Tweed, American politician
“If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”
“The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy and drive him before you. To see his cities reduced to ashes. To see those who love him shrouded and in tears. And to gather to your bosom his wives and daughters.”
—Genghis Khan
“I don’t want to be rude but, really, you have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk.”
—Nigel Farage, on European Council president Herman Van Rompuy
“The internet is a great way to get on the net. Life is very important to Americans.”
—Former senator Bob Dole
“I never knew how ugly and how stupid I was until, you know, we had Twitter.”
“Most women say ‘Please speak to me from the waist up: my brain, my eyes.’”
“Your job is not to call things ridiculous that are said by our press secretary and our president. That’s not your job.”
“You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving—Sean Spicer, our press secretary—gave alternative facts.”
—Kellyanne Conway, senior White House advisor to President Donald Trump
“Alternative facts aren’t facts, they are falsehoods.”
—Chuck Todd, NBC’s Meet the Press
“This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.”
—Sean Spicer, White House press secretary
“The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.”
—President Thomas Jefferson
“He doesn’t dye his hair—he’s just prematurely orange.”
—President Gerald Ford, on Ronald Reagan
“Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.”
—Napoléon Bonaparte
“You’ve got a duty to die and get out of the way. Let the other society, our kids, build a reasonable life.”
—Former Colorado governor Dick Lamm, arguing that sick, elderly people have the right to physician-assisted suicide
“I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.”
—Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.
Animated
Anarchy
“Don’t do drugs, kids. There is a time and place for everything. It’s called college.”
—Chef, South Park
“Obviously I’m dealing with inferior mentalities.”
“Poor Bugs. But any way you look at it, it’s better he should suffer. After all, it was me or him, and, obviously, it couldn’t be me. It’s a simple matter of logic. I’m not like other people. I can’t standpain. It hurts me.”
“Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I’m rich.”
“I demand that you shoot me now!”
—Daffy Duck
“I shall now attempt to eat a diet lunch consisting of one leaf of lettuce lightly seasoned with...one quart of mayonnaise.”
—Garfield
“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter on how to introduce your mother to a hooker.”
—Sterling Archer, Archer
“Let me let you in on a little secret, Charlie Brown. If you really want to impress people, you need to show them you’re a winner. Of course, when I say ‘you,’ you know I don’t mean ‘you personally.’”
—Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts by Charles Schultz
“My God, you’ve gotten fat.”
—Edna Mode, The Incredibles
“Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga. No, scratch that. Dear Santa, you are a bitch *ass* nigga. I heard they hired extra security to protect you. That’s a bitch move, Santa. I’m coming for that ass again. Until you pay what you owe. Sincerely yours, The Santa Stalker.”
—Riley, The Boondocks
“I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.”
—The Venture Brothers
“What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he’s white?”
“You know, Helen Keller was largely useless, but look how we remember her. Yep, First Lady of the American stage.”
“The only woman I’m pimping is sweet lady propane! And I’m tricking her out all over this town.”
“Why would anyone smoke weed when they could just mow a lawn?”
“Maybe I should tie the long hair on your head to the short hair on your ass and kick you down the street!”
—Hank Hill, King of the Hill
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
“What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
“Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”
—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
“Perform for the troops? Why should I? What have they ever done for me?”
—Krusty the Clown, The Simpsons
“Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.”
—Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
“By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. I’m not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint—it wasn’t on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.”
—Peter Griffin, Family Guy
“I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”
—Mr. Garrison, South Park, talking about women and menstruation
“All right, all right, make like Siamese twins
and split...And then one of you die.”
—Peter Griffin, Family Guy
“You’re speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.”
—Jafar, Aladdin
“I warn you, child. If I lose my temper, you lose your head! Understand?!”
—Queen of Hearts, Alice in Wonderland
“You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.”
“It’s a man’s obligation to stick his boneration in a women’s separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.”
“How ‘bout we sing, ‘Kyle’s mom is a stupid bitch’ in D Minor.”
—Eric Cartman, South Park
“Dude, you just pumped in my face!”
—Craig, Sanjay and Craig
“Ohh, are you upset or something? I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.”
—Dr. Weisman, King of the Hill
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I, Mojo Jojo, have a town to take over. I have a world to conquer. I have to seize control of an area and force its inhabitants to follow my way of thinking.”
—Mojo Jojo, The Powerpuff Girls
“And all of the young ’uns are waiting with glee, thinking only of morn and what’s under that tree. And not just the children, the teenagers, too. Chuck wants a football, Kathleen a tattoo.”
—Narrator, The Powerpuff Girls
“Did you hear that, Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So... this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you might as well pack it in. Game over.”
—Stewie, Family Guy
“I haven’t seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant!”
“I haven’t seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!”
—Sportscaster Frank, South Park
“I was 14, just a little older than Bobby. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me, so I lied and signed up. We had beat the Nazzys in Italy, and they shipped me to the Pacific theater. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom. I could only save three of my buddies: Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn. They were kind of like you fellas, only one of them was from Brooklyn. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put fitty bullets in my back. The blood attracted sharks. I had to give ‘em Fatty. Then things took a turn for the worse. I made it to an island, but it was full of Tojos! They were spitting on the U.S. flag! So I rushed ‘em, but it was a trap. They opened fire and blew my shins off. Last thing I remember, I beat ‘em all to death with a big piece of Fatty. I woke up in a field hospital, and they were sewing my feet to my knees.”
—Cotton, King of the Hill
“Kamp Krusty is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. We’ve got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah! And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!”
—Krusty the Clown, The Simpsons
“Genetic engineering is man’s way of correcting God’s hideous mistakes, like German people.”
“Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL. Evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather, a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains; which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?”
—Mr. Garrison, South Park
“Hello and welcome to Bob’s Burgers. The burger of the day is ‘The Child Molester,’ it comes with candy.”
“You’re the worst kind of autistic.”
—Louise Belcher, Bob’s Burgers
“I taught my fart to be patriotic. It’s Stinky Doodle Dandy!”
—Gene, Bob’s Burgers
“You little pantywads think you’re ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razorblades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers with pumps, valves and lights on the back that can set off a seizure! But what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of pete! Take a salt tablet.”
—Coach Sauers, King of the Hill
“Check out that guy. Why is his face all twisted up like that? Looks like he jacks off with Icy Hot. He looks like he just sh*t a gerbil!”
—Ed Wuncler, The Boondocks
“Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch. And guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord. So that she might learn a ho’s place. Amen.”
—A pimp named Slickback, The Boondocks
“My own pony! I’m gonna name him Sammy Davis Jr. the Pony.”
—Jazmine Dubois, The Boondocks
“Any noise, and I will butt-rape your grandfather with this broomstick!
—Luna, The Boondocks
“Nowadays people think ho, ho, ho is the Hilton sisters standing next to Nicole Richie!”
—Jazmine Dubois, The Boondocks
“It’s like the N-word and the C-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.”
“Alright, Morty, don’t break an arm jerking yourself off.”
—Rick, Rick and Morty
“Lana, your eyes are amazing, I mean not compared to your tits, but...”
—Sterling Archer, Archer
“You killed a black astronaut, Cyril! That’s like killing a unicorn!”
—Sterling Archer, Archer
“I’m no hero, I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.”
—Tina Belcher, Bob’s Burgers
Salty
Celebrities
“Cartooning requires a sense of humor and too often a woman lacks that.”
—Walt Disney
“People think I have changed, and I have changed. I’m now the person I know I am.”
—Jon Gosselin, Jon & Kate Plus 8
“The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.”
—Sylvester Stallone
“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one. And that includes me.”
—Jessica Simpson
“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.”
—Tara Reid
“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”
—Britney Spears
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
—Mariah Carey
“It’s not that I dislike many people. It’s just that I don’t like many people.”
—Bryant Gumbel
“I look at modeling as something I’m doing for black people in general.”
—Naomi Campbell
“When I’m really hot, I can walk into a room and if a man doesn’t look at me, he’s probably gay.”
—Kathleen Turner
“He speaks English, Spanish, and he’s bilingual, too.”
—Don King
“Everything bad that can happen to a person has happened to me.”
“There’s nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon.”
—Paris Hilton
“I’ve never been drunk in my life. I don’t use recreational drugs.”
—Paula Abdul
“I spoke to a girl today who had cancer and we were talking about how this is such a hard thing for her, but it taught her a big lesson on who her friends are and so much about life. She�
�s 18. And I was like, that’s how I feel.”
—Kim Kardashian
“I just let my hair go—if there’s no hairdresser around I really can’t be bothered!”
—Khloe Kardashian
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
—Jay Leno
“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”
—Comedian Lewis Black
“All of a sudden, you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows what I’m going through.”
—R. Kelly, R&B crooner.
“I can’t believe my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I’m rich f*** this I’m going home I don’t need this sh*t.”
—Rapper 50 Cent, on Twitter
“How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real”
“School is the tool to brainwash the youth”
“If newborn babies could speak they would be the most intelligent beings on planet earth”
“Trees are never sad look at them every once in awhile there quite beautiful”
“If everybody in the world dropped out of school we would have a much more intelligent society”
—Jaden Smith, on Twitter
“First my mother was Spanish. Then she became a Jehovah’s Witness.”
—Geri Halliwell, “Ginger Spice” of the Spice Girls
“It’s put everything into perspective. I have a different respect now for people who don’t have legs.”
Say What? Page 2