Running to Stand Still

by J Theron

  Michael’s hands stilled for a moment but he did not turn around. He simply asked, “What are you going to tell him?”

  “That I can’t marry him. That I’m in love with somebody else.” Danielle studied Michael as he stood in front of the stove. His back was still towards her and she could not tell what he was thinking.

  He turned around slowly and looked her straight in the eye. “Once you tell him there’s no going back. Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  “Is it what you want?” she asked, hating the sudden choking feeling of insecurity that washed over her. She could not believe that she was back in a situation where she was uncertain of herself. Did he regret sleeping with her?

  “This isn’t about me. I’m not engaged. I don’t want to mess up your life.”

  “You should have thought about that before your relentless pursuit of me!” She got up from the chair and she had to swallow down the tears choking her throat.

  “Danielle, don’t overreact.” He took the pan from the stove and walked towards her.

  “Don’t tell me not to overreact. I just had sex for the first time with a man who is not my fiancé. A man who now wants me to keep this a secret from said fiancé!”

  Michael came to a stop in front of her but did not touch her. He watched her as she was breathing rapidly, her chest heaving with emotion. His eyes blazed with intensity as he said, “I want you to listen and pay attention. I love you, Danielle! I have never loved another woman, not even Lucienne. That being said, even though it would kill me to watch you walk away, I would let you go if I knew it was best for you. I’ve never met this Jonathan guy, but I assume he’s one of the good ones. I want you to be with me more than anything and I did not think clearly these last few days, but I also want to do what is right by you. If you tell me you want me and not Jonathan, I’ll move heaven and earth to make it possible.”

  Michael pulled Danielle into his embrace and they stood like that for a long time before her stomach growled loudly. He laughed and kissed her briefly before pushing her down on her chair.

  “We’re going to waste away if we carry on like this. It’s time to eat,” he said.

  They ate in silence and Danielle could not stop thinking about the impending call to Jonathan. She suddenly exclaimed, “I’m scared. I don’t know how you and I could possibly make this work!” She realised that she had lost her appetite and pushed her plate away. She stared at the table and did not want to think about the consequences of her actions.

  Michael watched her in silence and then said, “I have a confession to make. I know everything about the first few years of your life after we parted the last time in Jeffreys Bay. I asked Carin under some silly pretext and she kept me informed, she even sent me photos of you. I have photos of your graduation from high school, your first car, the list goes on. I was beyond furious when I found out you were dating Thomas during your first year at university. I was obsessed with the thought of you being with him and not me. It killed me. I got on the next flight from Paris to Cape Town and I drove straight to Stellenbosch when the flight landed. Carin explained to me where you lived and I sat in my rental car for hours watching your house like a crazy stalker.”

  Danielle was frozen, her heart beating rapidly as she listened to the story.

  “I watched as Thomas entered the house late that night. You opened the door in a very short T-shirt and nothing else. I wanted to run into the house and punch his face in. Instead I sat there until the next morning. I wanted to see if he stayed the whole night. I had hoped that it would give me some closure.” Michael chuckled, but it was mirthless.

  “He left early the next morning and you came running after him. You grabbed him and kissed him passionately in the garden in front of the house. I assumed that you were sleeping together and I almost lost it right there. I started the car and drove back to the airport. I got on the first flight back to Paris and that was the last time I was in South Africa.”

  Danielle was speechless, and she had tears in her eyes. She rose from her chair and walked around the table to sit on his lap. She placed her arms around his neck and kissed him softly on the mouth.

  “Michael, I can only imagine what it must have looked like. Thomas stayed over often, but nothing ever happened. If you knocked on my door that night, I would have chosen you in a heartbeat,” she said emphatically.

  He hugged her to him and pulled down her head to kiss her again. They kissed for a long time before he pulled away. “The reason I told you that embarrassing story was to illustrate a point. I’ve never stopped loving you despite everything. We can make this work. I promise.”

  Danielle looked into Michael’s blue eyes and she could see the love he felt for her. She slowly rose from his lap and led him to his bedroom where she stripped his clothes and then her own. They made love for hours and Danielle was oblivious to the outside world, not thinking of anything or anyone except the man who made love to her with such passion it took her breath away.

  It was dark outside when Danielle carefully extricated herself from Michael’s embrace. He was sleeping and she did not want to wake him. She had lost count of how many times they made love since that morning. She picked up the T-shirt and sweatpants that lay discarded on the floor. They never made it to the hotel to fetch her things, but she did not really care. As long as she could take a bath, wash her hair and brush her teeth she was fine. Wearing Michael’s clothes turned her on and she smiled when she realised that she had a bit of a fetish for his clothes.

  Michael had turned on his back with his one arm over his chest and the other stretched next to him. The sheet barely covered his lower body. It was a silky material and it did not leave much to the imagination. She stared at his sleeping form for a few seconds before giving herself a mental kick in the ass.

  Get a grip woman! You are capable of being in another room than him for five seconds! She quickly dressed and walked to the kitchen to look for her cellular phone. She had turned it off deliberately the night she went to the gallery and she dreaded turning it on. She sat down at the kitchen table with her back to the door and pushed the on button. The phone started to ping and one message after the other appeared on the screen. She gaped at her phone as she saw twenty missed calls and ten voice messages. She also had twenty six text messages. They were all from Jonathan.

  Danielle did not have the strength to read or listen to the messages. She deleted all of them without reading or listening to one. She had a good idea what the messages contained anyway. She took a deep breath, scrolled to Jonathan’s name and pressed the call button. He must have had the phone in his hand because he answered almost immediately.

  “Danielle! What the fuck! Where were you? I’ve been trying to get hold of you for more than forty eight fucking hours!”

  Danielle had to suppress the urge to disconnect the call. “I’m sorry Jonathan. I turned my phone off and forgot to turn it back on.” Her words came out stilted. She did not know what else to say.

  “What’s going on? What happened?” Jonathan lost some of the anger in his voice and suddenly sounded nervous.

  She swallowed down the bile rising in her throat and forced herself to speak. “We have to talk.”

  “You’re scaring me, Danielle,” he said almost breathlessly.

  “You know I came to France to decide what I wanted to do with my life,” she continued.

  He interrupted her before she could finish. “I’m sorry I didn’t support your decision to do cardiothoracic surgery. If that is what you want, I’ll just have to accept that. I’m not thrilled with the idea, but you can do it for a few years and then you can stay home and have our kids. We’re still young. There’s time.” He sounded almost smug, as if he did her an enormous favour giving in to her whim.

  Danielle was momentarily taken aback. He never before said that she would not be allowed to work once they had children. She had just assumed he did not want her to work the long hours required of a resident. Not to mention the
hours of studying. How did she not see this before? It only steeled her resolve and she closed her eyes before she said, “I can’t marry you. I’m sorry. I’m in love with someone else.”

  She started to cry. Jonathan was silent for a few seconds and then he exploded. “What? Wait! Who is it? Is it some French guy?”

  “It’s Michael,” she said in a choked voice.

  “Thomas’s brother? Have you gone completely insane? He’s an artist. He runs in those fucked up bohemian circles in France. Responsibility is foreign concept for him. He’ll chew you up and spit you out! He abandoned his family and he will do the same to you.”

  “You don’t know him! How can you say that?”

  “I can draw my own conclusions from the few times Thomas mentioned him, and his I-don’t-give-a-fuck behaviour towards women,” Jonathan said nastily. He took a deep breath and sounded slightly calmer as he spoke again. “It can’t be that serious. You have been in France for all but five minutes. Come home. We can work through this.” He had a slight pleading note in his voice.

  “Jonathan, I’ve been in love with him for eleven years. It was always there, in the back of my mind. I only realised it when I saw him again,” she said with gentle determination.

  “Did you sleep with him?” he asked with barely contained fury.

  “Yes.” The word came out as little more than a whisper.

  “Fuck you! Fuck you Danielle Rousseau. For two fucking years I had to listen to your shit about waiting until we’re married. Then you meet up with Michael and you can’t wait to gag on his cock. I wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole now. No telling how many whores he had stuck his fucking cock in! You make me sick to my stomach with your whorish ways! You are a fucking slut,” he shouted at the top of his lungs and Danielle had to keep the phone from her ear because he was screaming so loudly.

  The next moment the phone was snatched from her grasp and she almost expired from fright when she saw Michael standing behind her. He clearly heard what Jonathan had been shouting. He took the phone and his face seemed eerily calm as he started speaking.

  “Jonathan, this is Michael. If you ever speak to Danni like that again I will get on the next flight to Cape Town and there will be no place where you can hide where I won’t find you. And when I do find you I will rip your fucking tongue out before I stuff it down your fucking throat. Goodbye.” Michael disconnected the call and she could hear Jonathan being cut off just as he started to respond. She was speechless as she stared at Michael.

  “Has he ever spoken to you like that before?” Michael caressed her face as he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs.

  “Never. He has never raised his voice to me. I think this qualifies as extenuating circumstances though,” Danielle said softly. Michael pulled her from the chair into his arms. He held her tight and kissed the top of her head.

  “There’s never a justifiable reason to speak to the person you love like that.” He lifted her chin and looked at her intently, his eyes searching hers. She could see he was concerned. “Do you understand that? I will never speak to you like that,” he said.

  She nodded but did not say anything. She was too numb to respond. Her whole body was aching and she wanted to curl in a ball and pretend the rest of the world did not exist.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked. “I will make us something to eat. Why don’t you take a bath while I make dinner?”

  Danielle did not want to let go of his warm body, but she stepped back and turned to walk to the bathroom. She stayed in the bath for what felt like hours. She was frozen in her misery and did not notice the water cooling down. Michael knocked on the door because she was silent for so long and when she did not answer he opened the door.

  “Danielle, are you okay?” She did not respond to his question, nor did she move as he approached the bath. He put his hands in the water to touch her when he swore under his breath.

  “The water’s freezing. You must get out.”

  Michael gently lifted her out of the water, not caring that he became wet, and carried her to the bedroom. He towelled down her shivering body before placing her on the bed. He pulled the covers over her and then discarded his pants before getting into bed to warm her ice cold body.

  “Danielle, please look at me?” His voice was coaxing and she finally focussed on his face as he spoke. “What’s going on, baby?” He gently stroked her hair back from her forehead as he searched her face.

  “It hurts, Michael. A part of me did love him. Not with my whole soul, but it was there. I never would have stayed for two years if I didn’t. The frightening part is I probably would have married him if I didn’t….” She could no longer hold back the sobs and he pulled her against him.

  “I know it hurts, Danni. But it will get better. I know I said he’s probably one of the good guys, but I’ll never allow him near you after the way he spoke to you. I’ll rip his head off if he does it again.”

  She did not respond but she held onto Michael as he caressed her hair and back. Eventually she stopped shivering and lifted her head to kiss his mouth softly before she said, “I’m hungry.”

  She sounded more like herself and he smiled as he got out of bed. “I’ll bring the food here. We can eat in bed.”

  Michael made pasta and Danielle managed to eat enough to satisfy him that she would not die of starvation. He took the plates to the kitchen and when he came back she was asleep. He did not want to wake her and felt the sudden urge to paint. He was in his studio until the early hours of the morning painting the images whirling around in his confused mind and when he finally looked at the canvas he realised it was Danielle’s face.

  CHAPTER 11

  Danielle was still sleeping the next morning when the bedroom door slammed open and the loud noise almost gave her a heart attack. A strange woman entered the bedroom and she was babbling in French. She seemed friendly but confused and Danielle assumed it had to be Michael’s housekeeper. She was a short, stout woman with long grey hair that was pulled into a thick braid hanging down her back. They stared at each other and Danielle realised she had to introduce herself.

  “Bon jour. Je m’appelle Danielle Rousseau,” Danielle said. She tried desperately to remain dignified while trying to hide her naked body with the bedcover.

  “Bon jour Danielle. Je m’appelle Marie,” Marie replied. She smiled at Danielle and proceeded to clean the bedroom.

  “Enchanté Marie.”

  Danielle was trying to figure out how she was going to get out of bed without having to run across the room naked when Michael strolled in. She gaped as he ignored her and kissed Marie on the cheeks. He started speaking to Marie in rapid French and Marie listened intently before suddenly squealing loudly. They both turned to look at Danielle and Marie clapped her hands together in delight.

  “What the hell did you say to her, Michael?” Danielle was embarrassed and wanted to get out of the bed but it was impossible with her audience of two.

  “I told her while she was visiting her family in Marseilles I found my true love. She’s a romantic soul and I embellished a little bit.” He winked at her before adding, “I also told her I broke up with Lucienne. Marie is ecstatic because she couldn’t stand the sight of her.” He watched her with a big grin on his face.

  “She doesn’t speak a word of English and you’ll have to speak to her in French. It will be good practise I think.” Michael paused for a second before continuing, “I’ve made breakfast. You have to get out of bed before the food gets cold.”

  Danielle could not tell if he was being deliberately obtuse or if he truly expected her to get up and walk across the room naked. Marie had resumed cleaning and tidying the room and seemed not to give them any notice.

  “Screw that,” Danielle hissed.

  She yanked the sheets away from her body and got out of the bed stark naked. She strolled into the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Then she walked back into the bedroom to Michael’s closet without batting an eyelid and pulled
one of his T-shirts over her head and proceeded to his dresser where she took her time to pick a pair of boxer shorts. She pulled it up under the T-shirt before turning to Michael with a defiant look on her face. He was watching her the whole time and started laughing.

  “Glad to see the good old Danielle Rousseau defiant spirit is back. We have to go to the hotel today to get your luggage. As much as I like you in my clothes, I can’t take you out in public like that.” He waved his hand up and down as he pointed at the clothes.

  “Oh, and don’t mind Marie by the way. She’s used to naked women prancing around my house.”

  He took a step away as he made that last statement, probably to avoid any retaliation from Danielle. She decided not to give him the satisfaction of reacting to what was an obvious attempt to rile her up.

  “No problem, Mike. We can leave after breakfast,” she said mockingly as she walked past him to the kitchen and when she was just past him he slapped her playfully on the behind. She spun around and glowered at him as he stood with his arms folded.

  “That’s for calling me Mike,” he said with amusement in his voice.

  She was thoughtful for a moment before she replied, “You have naked woman prancing around your house,” Michael raised his eyebrows, “and you slap me for calling you Mike?”

  Michael did not reply but simply looked at her with a smirk on his face. She narrowed her eyes before adding, “Remember I have a long memory.” She tapped her finger against her head before turning to walk to the kitchen.

  “Danielle,” Michael said and she stopped walking but did not turn around. “I fucking love you.”

  She spun around and retraced her steps rapidly. When she reached him she grabbed the front of his T-shirt and pulled him towards her with force, slamming her lips against his and pushing her tongue in his mouth, devouring him with her kiss. She pushed him away before he could respond. “Don’t ever forget that, Mike.”