Running to Stand Still

by J Theron

  Rachel, who shared the apartment with her, had recently started working at the V&A Waterfront. She had an MBA and was climbing the corporate ladder, which meant long hours away from home. Danielle and Rachel hardly ever saw each other, but they had grown very close since Rachel broke up with Craig and it was nice to know that she was around.

  Danielle was exhausted as she walked into her apartment that evening. She just wanted to get into bed and fall asleep whilst listening to the waves. At least when she was sleeping she did not think and the constant ache in her chest went away for a few hours. She never realised she could miss someone so much that it almost made her physically ill.

  She chucked her long white doctor’s overcoat and her stethoscope onto the small dining room table and sat down on her couch. She studied the object in her hand, turning it over again and again as if it were an alien object. It was a pregnancy test. She had suspected she was pregnant for a few weeks now, but she was in denial and when she vomited three mornings in a row she decided it was time to face the facts.

  She was still looking at the test when she was startled by a knock on her front door. She quickly stuffed the box into the pocket of her doctor’s coat before walking to the front door. She almost staggered back when she opened the door and came face to face with Jonathan. His tall blond frame filled the door and she was strangely glad to see him. He was wearing a dark suit and grey tie and she assumed he must have just come from his law offices in Cape Town city centre.

  Jonathan was the first to speak. “Good evening, Danielle. I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

  Danielle gaped at him and then managed to pull herself together. “Uhm. No. Come in. Sorry, I’m a little taken aback to find you at my front door.”

  She stepped aside and held the door open as he walked past her and into the living room. He stood in the centre of the room and seemed very ill at ease. She indicated the cream sofa. “Please sit. Do you want some tea or coffee?”

  He nodded. “Coffee would be nice, thank you sweetheart…I mean, Danielle.” He winced as he inadvertently used the endearment he always used when speaking to her.

  Danielle felt a pang of regret as she turned to the kitchen to make the coffee. She never wanted to hurt him and she felt a mountain of regret for how things ended between them. When she entered the living room again with the coffee, he was perched on the edge of the sofa. His uneasiness was evident from a mile away. She sat down in the chair facing the sofa and placed the coffee on the coffee table between them. He reached for the cup and she noticed a faint tremor in his hand.

  Danielle watched him with a speculative gaze on her face. “Why are you here, Jonathan? Is it about the engagement ring? Rachel says she gave it to your personal assistant and he promised to see that you received it. I’m sorry she gave it to your assistant, but I couldn’t do it and Rachel volunteered. I couldn’t face you after what happened. I’m sorry I was such a coward, but I was also angry and I didn’t want to get into a war of words again.”

  Jonathan shifted uneasily on the sofa. “I received it. Thank you. That’s not why I’m here. I heard you were back and I wanted to see you. I feel we have some unresolved issues.”

  Danielle frowned. “I didn’t think I would ever see you again. The last time we spoke, you made it pretty clear what you thought of me. The words fucking slut comes to mind.”

  He winced again and swallowed a few times before saying in a strained voice, “I’m mortified about the way I spoke to you. I didn’t mean it. It was a moment of temporary insanity. I have wanted to be with you for so long and the shock of losing you to another man made me lose my head.”

  “That does not excuse the way you spoke to me, but I do take full responsibility for my actions. What I did was unforgiveable. But please believe me when I say I never took our engagement lightly. I didn’t do what I did on a whim. Michael’s my soul mate. I love him. I have always loved him and I will never stop loving him.”

  Jonathan stared at her and then shook his head. “If you’re so important to him, why did he let you come back alone? Where is he now? What is he doing in Avignon when you’re here?”

  “He wanted to come with me, but I refused,” she said defiantly.

  “How is that a relationship? What are you going to do, give up your studies for him? Follow him to France? Are you willing to give up everything for him but not for me? That’s very hypocritical of you, Danielle. Because I can’t see how you could have a relationship with him otherwise.”

  “It really doesn’t concern you anymore, Jonathan!”

  “I love you, Danielle. Please reconsider. I will try and support your studies. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes.” He sat forward and reached for her hand. “You loved me. I know you did. We can get that back.”

  She closed her eyes and sighed before pulling her hand out of his grasp. “I’m sorry, Jonathan. There’s too much pain between us. Even if my relationship with Michael doesn’t work out, you and I are over. We’re not compatible. We want different things from life. I realised that when I was in France.”

  “You never gave me a chance. You simply decided. Why did you not tell me your work was a deal breaker?”

  “You did not know me at all if you didn’t know that,” she stated simply.

  “Well, I do know now. Please, please give me another chance,” he said and she could see he was struggling to keep his emotions under control.

  “I can’t. I will never love you like I love Michael,” she said, not trying to hurt him, but to help him find closure. If he still had hope he would not be able to move on.

  He sat back and she could see the abject desolation in his eyes. It caused a terrible ache in her chest and she wished she could take his pain away.

  “I’m sorry it came to this,” he said as he rose from the sofa. “I hope it works out for you, Danni. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

  Danielle also stood and grabbed his hand before he could walk to the door. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently on the mouth. “Goodbye Jonathan. I will always be glad that I knew you. I only wish good things for you. I truly am sorry about all of this. I would never hurt you on purpose. The truth is we would have realised our mistake sooner or later and at least now it happened before we were married.”

  “I love you, sweetheart. I still believe we could have been happy. I’ll miss you, more than you know,” he said before opening the front door.

  He walked out without looking back and Danielle felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders as she closed the door behind him. She hated the way they parted and she was glad that he came to her house. She hoped that he would find love again and move on with his life.

  She turned back to the dining room table and took the pregnancy test out of her coat pocket. She could not wait any longer. She went to the bathroom and did the test as instructed. She was not really surprised when it was positive. She calculated she had to be about seven weeks along and that she must have fallen pregnant a few weeks before she left Avignon. They were in Nice for the week and they made love three times a day. She knew there was a small risk during the first month of taking the pill but she thought if she took it religiously it would be okay.

  “I’m a stupid, stupid idiot! I’m a freaking doctor for pity’s sake,” Danielle said aloud in exasperation.

  She closed her eyes as she lay back on the couch. She imagined Michael’s blue eyes as he made love to her. She awoke with a start and looked at her watch. It was close to midnight and she was disappointed when she checked her phone and there were still no messages from Michael. Only Rachel had sent her a text to inform her she had a business dinner and not to worry. She looked at her phone indecisively. She was petrified to phone him, but she needed to tell him about the pregnancy.

  Stop being a coward and phone him! Her heart started to race as she pressed the call button and she did not know why she felt so apprehensive all of a sudden. Michael was probably asleep already.

  “Hello, can I hel
p you?” It was a female voice and the British accent was unmistakable. Danielle stopped breathing the moment she heard Adele’s voice. Why the hell was she answering Michael’s phone at twelve o’clock at night.

  “May I speak to Michael please?” Danielle struggled to stay composed and polite.

  “Michael is busy. He can’t come to the phone now,” Adele said with malice in her voice. “It is very impolite to call at this ungodly hour. Who’s speaking please?”

  Danielle did not know if it was because she had not slept properly for forty eight hours or the hormonal changes from her pregnancy, but something in her snapped. “Listen to me carefully, Adele! You know perfectly well who I am. I’m Danielle Rousseau. I’m Michael’s girlfriend and I will phone him whenever the hell I feel like it. If you don’t give the phone to Michael now, I will rip your bony face off like I should have done the night I met your skinny ass!” Danielle was trembling as the anger pulsed through her.

  “Well how sorry for you to be alone and desperate on another continent when I’m here with him. Goodbye Danielle! Good luck with the job you left him for.” Adele disconnected the call before Danielle could respond.

  Danielle could not catch her breath and everything was turning black. She had to put her head between her legs to prevent her from passing out. She was sitting in this position when Rachel walked through the door.

  “Danni, what’s going on?” Rachel was taken aback when Danielle sat up slowly and she saw Danielle’s stricken face. She sat down next to Danielle and stroked her back comfortingly. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

  “I’m pregnant,” Danielle said without any emotion.

  Rachel managed to keep a straight face as she replied, “That’s wonderful, Danni! I’m sure Michael will be ecstatic!”

  “I’m not so sure, Rachel. I phoned him just now and another woman answered his home phone. She was in his house. At night…..” Danielle started to hyperventilate. “It doesn’t look good. He has a history with this woman. One of our biggest fights was about her.”

  “I’m sure there’s an explanation!”

  “I actually don’t care. He knows how I feel about her. She’s in love with him and she will do anything to have him. There’s no reason for her to be in his house.”

  “I think you should go to bed and try to phone him tomorrow to hear his side of the story.” Rachel hugged Danielle and pulled her up from the couch. “It’s time for you to go to bed, Danni.”

  Danielle grabbed both of Rachel’s hands and looked imploringly into her face. “What if he’s cheating on me? It kills me to be away from him. I’m in perpetual limbo. I have no idea what he’s doing or with whom!”

  “Michael will never cheat on you. Do you honestly believe that he’s capable of such duplicity? Go to bed and call him tomorrow before making assumptions,” Rachel said sternly.

  “You’re right but I still think Adele is capable of anything.”

  “Stop this. You’ll drive yourself crazy. Go to bed!”

  “Will you stay with me in my room? I don’t want to be alone,” Danielle asked pleadingly.

  “Of course. If you snore I’m kicking you out though!” Rachel put her arm around Danielle and hugged her tight as they walked to the bedroom.

  The nausea was overwhelming when Danielle woke up the next morning and she barely made the bathroom before she started retching. Her stomach was completely empty and the force of the heaving caused petechial haemorrhages on her face. When she finally managed to lift her head from the toilet she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She went to the kitchen and managed to force down some dry bread. She felt slightly better after she had eaten but she was still feeling very unwell. It was one of her rare weekends off and she decided to get back into bed.

  Danielle had just dozed off when her phone rang. She got out of bed and walked out of the room into the living room before answering. Rachel was still asleep in Danielle’s bed and she did not want to wake her.

  “Hello.” Danielle’s voice was hoarse from vomiting.

  “Hey baby. Are you sick?” It was Michael and he spoke as if nothing was wrong.

  “No.” When she did not say anything else he sounded worried as he spoke.

  “What’s wrong, Danielle?”

  “I phoned you last night because I hadn’t heard from you.”

  “Really? There was no missed call on my cell phone.” Michael sounded perplexed.

  “I phoned you on your landline.”

  “I’m sorry I missed your call, baby!”

  “Clearly,” she said sarcastically.

  “Danielle, what the hell is going on with you?” He was losing his patience and so was she.

  “The Bitch answered your phone, at night! Do you care to explain?” Danielle spat out the words.

  “She was at my house last night but so were a lot of other people. It was my birthday party last night. She came with Marco. I wasn’t happy about it, but I couldn’t just chuck her out into the street! ”

  Danielle gasped. She had forgotten Michael’s birthday. That was probably why he hadn’t phoned her. He was waiting for her to call him.

  “She must have answered the phone when it rang. I never heard it, but we were outside in the garden. What did she say?”

  Danielle was mortified. She felt like the world’s biggest idiot. “Michael, I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday. I’ve been working nonstop and I haven’t been feeling well.”

  “I don’t care if you forgot my birthday. It’s not important,” he said sincerely.

  “I should never have forgotten your birthday. If we were together it wouldn’t have happened.”

  “We are together!” He sounded frustrated.

  “We’re in different hemispheres, Michael. If I were there I wouldn’t have had a sleepless night because Adele answered your phone.”

  “Do you not trust me?” She could hear he was offended.

  “I do not trust Adele, or any other woman for that matter.”

  “That’s irrelevant, because I would never allow another woman near me,” he said emphatically.

  “This isn’t working, Michael,” Danielle whispered.

  “Whoa! Stop right there. What are you saying?”

  “I can’t do this anymore. I cannot wonder all the time where you are or what you’re doing. I cannot miss you constantly. I want you to let me go.” She felt the tears run over her face but she kept her voice even. “There is no way this is going to work. I have thought of nothing else since arriving back in Cape Town. I don’t like this insecure person I have become. I promised myself I would never go there again.”

  Michael was silent for a long time before he spoke and she could hear him breathing deeply, as if to compose himself. “You promised to love me forever.”

  “I will love you forever but this, us, isn’t working. Circumstances are making it impossible for us to be together. Maybe in a few years when I’m finished with my residency?” Danielle heard a loud crash and it sounded as if Michael hit his fist against a wooden surface. He did not speak and she could hear his ragged breath. Finally after what felt like an eternity he broke the silence and she heard the ice in his voice.

  “I have given all of myself to you. I have loved you and only you. You never really loved me if you can throw that back in my face. I am done. I am done pining after a girl who refuses to give us a chance. I refuse to love someone who can cut me out of her life without a second thought. Goodbye Danielle. I wish you well but I truly hope I never lay eyes on you again.” Michael disconnected the call and Danielle sank to the floor. She started sobbing and it felt as if there was a gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be.

  Rachel woke up to the sound of Danielle crying. She stumbled out of bed and rushed to the living room to find Danielle sitting on the floor in a small bundle with her face in her hands.

  “Danielle, sweetheart, what happened?” Rachel sat down on the floor next to her and hugged her tight.

  “I brok
e up with Michael. I broke my own heart,” she said barely audible.

  “Oh Danni! Why?”

  “I couldn’t do it anymore, Rachel. I miss him so much it chokes me. I have this constant terrible ache in my chest. I’ve tried to be positive but I want to finish my training because it is my life’s ambition. His whole life and career is in France. How are we going to survive the separation? We’re just prolonging the inevitable demise of our relationship. The longer we cling to it, the harder it will be when it ends!”

  “Danni, Michael can be an artist anywhere. He said he would follow you did he not?”

  Danielle wiped the tears from her face before answering, “He has wanted to go to France since I met him. It was his dream, like it was my dream to become a heart surgeon. He will eventually resent me if he has to come back to South Africa. I would rather be without him.”

  “What about the baby? Did you tell him?” Rachel asked.

  Danielle winced. “No. I couldn’t. He would feel obligated to do what is right and I can’t do that to him. I can’t tie him to me for life because I made a monumental mistake! I have to take responsibility for the baby. I have always thought very little of women trying to trick men into marrying them by falling pregnant!”

  Rachel shook her head. “You’re making a huge mistake. Michael will never forgive you if you keep this from him. You have to tell him!”

  “I will but I can’t do it now. It’s too hard.” She started crying again. “Rachel, promise me you will keep this a secret. You cannot tell anyone!”

  Rachel placed her hand on Danielle’s cheek. “I will keep your secret, but sweetheart, it’s not like you can hide a pregnancy forever. And when it becomes obvious everyone will put two and two together. How long do you think it will take before someone tells Michael? If he hears it from anyone but you, it will cause irreversible harm.”