Knowing Her

by Raquel De Leon

  Though Lian was used to being labeled different in a way she understood to be not-good, that wasn’t the case with Teresa. Instead, the tender declaration left her feeling warm and something that eerily felt like happiness. “Thank you,” she said not knowing how else to respond.

  Teresa bit her lip, then grinned. Lian knew she’d said the right thing.

  Chapter Ten

  Teresa’s thoughts were a mess as they entered their room. Lian had finally opened up more about herself, if only a little. It was only fair that she should share some things in return.

  “You don’t know Jack because he’s been in rehab for the last few months. He’s an alcoholic,” Lian said as she carefully removed her shoes.

  “Ah, okay.” Teresa kicked off her pumps and played with the ends of her hair. “The only Jack I know of is Vivian’s ex.”

  “One and the same.” Lian pulled her suit jacket off and hung it up.

  Teresa blinked and bit her lip. “That sounds complicated.”

  Lian made a noncommittal noise in her throat. “I’ll start the water for the tea. Are you comfortable? You can change if you like.” The last was said as Lian tucked her hands into her pockets.

  The familiar movement made Teresa hide a smile. She wondered if Lian was aware how often she did it. “I think I will, yeah.” Teresa’s dress was comfortable but changing would allow her to delay the conversation a little while longer. She went to her garment bag and retrieved her pajamas—an oversized peach-colored shirt and some black yoga pants.

  There was no pressure, she reminded herself as she headed to the bathroom. Lian undoubtedly had seen and heard worse from her clients. Teresa snorted and reached for the zipper of her dress.

  After changing, she put her hair up and washed her face. She stared at herself in the mirror. Once in a while, she could remember looking into it and not recognizing herself. That hadn’t been an issue for a long time, she realized with a smile.

  When she emerged from the bathroom, she found Lian patiently waiting at the table, two gently steaming mugs atop it.

  Lian’s hands were folded together near her mug. “Better?” she asked.

  Teresa rubbed her clavicle. “Sure.” She rolled her lips together. “You can change, too. I don’t mind waiting.”

  Lian glanced down at herself. “I’m fine. It’s nearly the same as what I wear most days.”

  Given how uncharacteristically fixated Teresa was with the fit of the vest, she disagreed. She nodded in lieu of sharing her opinion. “Alright.” She took the seat adjacent to Lian’s, not sure she could face her friend without the assistance of alcohol. Almost immediately, Lian nudged one of the mugs in her direction. She smiled and accepted the tea, wrapping both hands around it in an attempt to comfort herself.

  “If it will help, I can discuss more of my failures,” Lian said when the silence lingered.

  Teresa scoffed and shook her head, her eyes trained on the faint wisps of steam escaping her mug. “No, no. If you want to talk more about yourself, I would like it to be because you really want to. Not because you feel obligated to help me.”

  “Hm,” was Lian’s only reply.

  The mug was pleasantly warm in Teresa’s grip. She pushed out a breath from between her lips and began speaking in halting sentences. “It’s going to sound horrible, but part of the reason I was so into Holly is because she actually made me feel beautiful. I’m a lot better now, but I can get pretty insecure about how I look once in a while.” She paused and bit her lip. “Unfortunately, I seem to have developed a pattern with initiating relationships with women because they make me feel that way.”

  Knowing the comment would mean little without further context, she swallowed and hurried to continue. “When I was a freshman in college, I met this older woman. She was this important alumnus who helped established the queer presence on campus and had donated generously over the years to make sure our programs could continue. She was also kind of notorious for having flings with some of the women in our LGBT group. At the time I was still incredibly insecure about how I looked, and she was just dazzling. I never thought she’d see me that way, especially since I was the only trans woman in the group.”

  Lian reached over and placed a hand on her wrist. She blinked down at it, wondering how the simple contact had loosened the ball of anxiety knotting in her stomach. She closed her eyes and began to tell the rest, her voice soft. Phoebe truly had been dazzling, even when she’d merely been friendly to Teresa. Over the course of Teresa’s freshman year, they went from loose acquaintances to something akin to friends—as Phoebe had flirted away with the lesbian grad students in the LGBT group. Then, her sophomore year, they’d become closer.

  “Our friendship became… intense. Phoebe began to change. She told me she’d never actually dated or slept with any of the students in the group. The difference in age and life experience just didn’t appeal to her. We began to spend a lot of time together and she stopped flirting with everyone else. After a while, she confessed she’d developed real feelings for me, but it was confusing to her. I didn’t know what to do. I had fallen in love with her, but I could tell she was conflicted about me, especially because I was nearly thirteen years younger. We ended up in this weird quasi-relationship where we weren’t dating but we weren’t seeing anyone else, either.”

  Teresa paused to sip from her tea as nostalgia washed over her. There were so many good memories tied to Phoebe, even if not all of them were. “That only lasted so long. We were in love and, after a while, things just naturally progressed. My junior year she broached paying for confirmation surgery for me. It was too much, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, but I ended up saying yes because I could tell it was something she really wanted to do for me. We talked it over a lot, and eventually scheduled surgery for that summer with a doctor abroad.”

  “Did you think she would have ended things if you’d said no?” Lian asked in a quiet voice.

  The inquiry made Teresa smile sadly. “Honestly, saying yes was a huge contributor to our relationship unraveling. Her paying for things, especially expensive things like that, became a huge issue. That as well as some other big things contributed to our relationship breaking down.”

  Lian’s dark eyes were steady and calm. “If you want to continue, please do.”

  “Things were pretty great for a while. We moved in together, creating this cute domestic life we enjoyed as much as our schedules would allow. Then, I graduated. Anyone you meet in my field will tell you that work can be hard to find if you’re unwilling to move. I’d known that before starting the radiology program, but that hadn’t mattered then. The trans couple I’d stayed with for my last two years of high school were supportive of my choices, knowing I had a long-term plan. I ended up having to take a job that was about an hour and a half commute away—and I was lucky to get that. Phoebe didn’t like it. She told me I didn’t need to work, she made enough to take care of us for the rest of our lives. She didn’t understand that I needed to work. I had debt from school, and I wasn’t comfortable with her paying for everything. After about another year with me working and the long commute, she became convinced I was cheating on her. It made no sense, whatsoever.”

  Lian clicked her tongue but didn’t comment. She began to rub gentle circles on the back of Teresa’s wrist.

  “I wasn’t cheating, of course. I loved her. I just needed a sense of autonomy.” Teresa sighed, idly watching Lian’s moving thumb. “Things got messy. We split up and I took a job in California.”

  “That doesn’t sound like failure to me, Teresa,” Lian broached after a moment. “That just sounds like a relationship that didn’t work out.”

  “Also known as a failed relationship,” Teresa quipped brightly.

  The corners of Lian’s mouth curled up in a small smile. “It’s not failure if you learned something. To me, it sounds like that relationship was pretty formative.”

  Teresa tilted her head and returned Lian’s smile. “Apparently, I
didn’t learn enough. I started things with Holly the wrong way and contributed to something terrible.”

  “I mean, Holly lied and manipulated you. I’m pretty sure she should get most, if not all, of the blame,” Lian returned.

  “Yeah? Well, after Phoebe, there was also Sıdıka. We almost ruined a perfectly good friendship.” Teresa found she couldn’t look directly at Lian. With Sıdıka, things had certainly been different than they had been with Phoebe. They’d become fast friends during her first job in California, bonding quickly upon discovering they were both transgender. After she’d taken a series of jobs overseas, they’d resumed that friendship when she’d returned to Cali. Dating each other had been a conscious choice. They got along well and were both conventionally attractive.

  It had been good for a while—until it wasn’t. What little passion they’d felt for one another fizzled quickly, and she’d ended up taking work out of state for months to avoid having to end the relationship. It had taken Sıdıka most of a year to forgive her for that.

  “Almost.”

  Returning to the present, Teresa frowned. “What?”

  Lian gave her a calm look. “You said you almost ruined your friendship. That means you didn’t actually ruin anything. Another formative experience.”

  “Smartass.” Teresa narrowed her eyes. “You know what, I’ve decided we’re done talking about me. Why don’t you tell me why you don’t date, Lian?”

  Lian chuckled, her eyes twinkling. “I am both lazy and content with my life. I don’t feel compelled to seek out romance.”

  “Give me some of that,” Teresa muttered playfully. She used her free hand to brush the back of Lian’s, which was still touching her wrist, to indicate she was fine. Lian smiled and leaned back in her chair, ending the contact. Despite having prompted the removal, Teresa found she missed the soft weight of Lian’s fingertips. “Wanna watch some horrible reality shows before bed?”

  “That sounds like a terrible idea.” Lian scrunched her face up.

  “Which is why it’s a great idea!”

  “I think there’s something wrong with your logic.”

  “We’ve just established that. Besides, who said anything about logic?”

  ***

  The following morning, they woke up surprisingly early for how late they’d gone to bed. Lian’s internal alarm clock, used to her normal work weeks, was as infallible as always. She wasn’t sure why Teresa had awoken, but silently hoped it hadn’t been her stirring.

  “G’morning,” Teresa greeted in a voice rough from sleep.

  Some of Teresa’s hair had escaped its ponytail in the night, leaving misshapen curls popping up at awkward angles. Lian loved it. “Morning,” she returned as affection welled in her chest. She rubbed the top of her sternum in an ineffective effort to diffuse the feeling, glad she’d remained under her blankets. She’d fallen asleep facing away from Teresa on the middle of her own mattress; yet, upon waking, she found herself on the very edge of her bed, facing Teresa. Her basketball shorts had gotten all twisted as a result, so she subtly adjusted them back into place.

  Was it possible that her attraction had intensified after the previous night? It seemed an odd concept, that feeling closer to Teresa would result in a want to be closer—but perhaps she’d just wanted that anyway without knowing it? She’d certainly enjoyed Teresa’s familiarity the night before. That Lian’s original goal of deterring Holly had also been accomplished was a faint, almost negligible victory.

  “Sleep well?” Teresa yawned and ran a hand over her head, chuckling when she felt the state of her hair. “Apparently, I did.”

  Lian bit her lip to keep her smile from growing to obscene proportions. “I can’t complain.”

  “Are you laughing at me?” Teresa asked as she squinted over at Lian.

  Lian’s lips trembled with effort. She cleared her throat. “Do you hear me laughing?”

  Teresa squinted harder. “Watch it, short stuff. I could take you. Easily.”

  Yes, you could, Lian’s mind hummed. She cleared her throat and sat up. “I’m a pacifist.”

  “Are you really?” Teresa brightened and pushed up onto an elbow to presumably see Lian better.

  “I’ve never gotten into a fight. That counts, right?” Lian pulled the covers tighter around herself, hoping it would curb the urge to crawl over to Teresa’s bed.

  “Ehh.” Teresa wiggled her free hand in the air. “Debatable.”

  When Lian realized they’d just been smiling dumbly at each other for a while, she forced herself up, her feet dangling over the edge of her bed as she contemplated her morning plans.

  “Look at that, your feet don’t even touch the floor.”

  Lian rolled her eyes and scooted closer to the edge, not caring about showing off her knobby knees like she normally might. She made a point of resting her feet fully against the carpet before standing. “So, the concert isn’t until tonight. What do you want to do?”

  “You’re not obligated to do things with me. I understand if you want to hang out here and have some time to yourself.”

  “What is it with you and your assumptions that I always do things with you out of a sense of obligation? I would think by now you’d know better. I’ll be fine.” Lian shrugged, glad the blackout curtains and faint light from the lamp on the nightstand hid her blush. A tingle ran down her spine as she considered getting to spend the entire day with Teresa. Oh, god, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this way. Maybe when she’d been a teenager and being with David had been new.

  “It’s more that I know I’m needy and I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. I want you to enjoy yourself when you’re with me. So, are you sure?” Despite the obvious out she was offering Lian, Teresa looked hopeful.

  Lian ignored the way that made her pulse accelerate. “Absolutely. ” Teresa beamed. Lian wasn’t aware she was smiling back again until her face began to hurt. She licked her lips and looked away. “Why don’t we start with the basics? I looked up some good breakfast places nearby.”

  She was fully aware of Teresa’s every movement as the other woman got out of bed, stretched, and lazily wandered in Lian’s direction. “Sounds great.” Teresa reached out and squeezed Lian’s arm as she passed. “I need to pee really badly though.”

  Distracted by the tingling spot on her arm, Lian snorted when her brain finally processed Teresa’s declaration. “Thanks for the info.”

  Teresa, who had disappeared around the corner to the bathroom, poked her head back out. “You’re welcome!”

  Dorky smile on her face, Lian allowed herself to flop back down on the bed. She was going to get to spend an entire day with Teresa. The pragmatic part of her hoped that meant the attraction—or crush, or whatever—would pass once they started annoying one another. Though, on the drive down she’d found Teresa’s attempts to be annoying actually kind of cute.

  Lian winced. How often she’d been associating Teresa with ‘cute’ was probably a problem.

  “Oo, that looks inviting,” Teresa purred from the hallway.

  Heart pounding, Lian jerked her head up. She experienced a mix of disappointment and confused relief when she discovered Teresa staring at the packets of instant coffee resting against the clean, upturned mugs atop the dresser.

  Calming herself with a slow breath, Lian stood back up. “If you’re patient, we can get something way better than that.”

  “Can I be patient? That’s the real question,” Teresa mused as she tapped her chin with her index finger.

  Lian chuckled and shook her head. “I won’t take long to get ready.”

  Teresa slid a hand over her hair. “Mm. My hair is still a mess but I’m hungry and I need coffee. Didn’t you bring a hat? Would it be alright if I borrowed it? It’s supposed to be a gorgeous day. Maybe we can take our breakfast to-go and sit in the park or something?”

  “Whatever you want.” Lian brought her hands up, then remembered at the last moment that her shorts didn’t have pock
ets. She cleared her throat and made a beeline for her garment bag. She’d thrown her baseball cap in it the day before. “I think the one I wanted to try the most had outdoor seating, too.”

  “That could work. Depends on how busy they are. I kind of just want to chill this morning.”

  Lian nodded but didn’t look at Teresa, instead gathering her clothes for the day. She blindly tossed the hat toward Teresa’s bed, her mind already preoccupied with the image of Teresa wearing both it and her hoodie at the same time. The hoodie had been returned weeks ago, so the odd fantasy didn’t make sense. “Um, I’ll take my time in the bathroom if you want to get ready out here.” She gestured toward the short hallway containing the sinks and widest mirror, not knowing if Teresa was even looking her way.

  “I’ll try to be quick, so you don’t catch me without clothes on again,” Teresa joked with a chuckle.