Knowing Her

by Raquel De Leon

  The ball of anxiety in her stomach loosened. Lian could see so much in Teresa’s expression: fear, hope and (most curiously) awe. “I can wait for you to be ready, Teresa.”

  When Teresa bent to kiss her, Lian only felt joy. There was no confusion. For once, the thought of foregoing a label made her happy. She and Teresa had a connection, of that there was no mistake. Teresa just needed the comfort of familiarity. Lian was happy to give it.

  Teresa pulled away and covered her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I must seem like the queen of mixed signals.”

  Lian laughed. “No,” she reached out and cupped Teresa’s face. “No, you’re fine. You can kiss me anytime.”

  Teresa burst into laughter, then brushed a last soft kiss to Lian’s forehead. She re-took her spot on Lian’s shoulder. “I don’t know, Lian, I wouldn’t want to burden you.”

  “Oh, though it pains me to bear, it is my burden,” Lian flatly drawled.

  She wasn’t surprised when Teresa laughed again. Grinning, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to enjoy the experience of holding and being held by Teresa.

  ***

  Days flew past in a blur for Teresa. She was convinced that Lian was a gift from the heavens. All the things that Teresa had worried about—specifically, how their relationship might change—had been for nothing. Lian was patient and sweet, and was fine chatting while Teresa cooked or… Teresa’s face heated up. Sometimes, she worried that their make-out sessions were selfish.

  Then she remembered moments like their goodbye the previous night.

  “You’re sure you’re not forgetting anything?” Teresa crossed her arms. She wanted Lian to spend the night, but she knew it was too needy, so she didn’t ask.

  Lian scratched Artemis between her ears, then straightened. She looked around the apartment. “I’ve got my keys and phone.” She turned toward the door, then abruptly back toward Teresa. “Oh, wait, there is one thing.”

  Teresa reversed as Lian moved closer, eventually bumping the edge of the couch before Lian stopped. The first few times they’d kissed, Lian had been hesitant. That had passed.

  Lian gave her a crooked smile, then reached up to cup her face in both hands. If it was supposed to be a quick good night kiss, they both instantly forgot that.

  Fuck, Teresa thought as Lian nibbled her lower lip and she nearly swooned. She’s going to kill me, and I will have zero regrets about it.

  The deep kiss ended just as Lian’s fingertips began teasing underneath the hem of her shirt. Teresa didn’t mind; sensual became sweet, with light, affectionate kisses fluttering around her mouth and cheeks. She chuckled when she felt Lian smile against her skin.

  “There,” Lian softly uttered, “now I’m good.”

  Teresa sighed and stared past her computer. Lian could be incredibly smooth when she didn’t overthink things, but Teresa liked when she was adorably self-conscious, too.

  For her own part, Teresa had also been trying not to dwell on their relationship. They made out a lot for people who were just friends. Whatever, it didn’t matter. Lian was letting her process at her own pace.

  Thinking about Lian was extremely pleasant, especially when compared to the alternatives. Teresa’s mother. Coming out.

  She didn’t know her family anymore, but she still remembered what it was like growing up with them. When she was little, she’d been happiest. Her parents were always busy, but they made time for her and Vivian. She remembered tottering around the kitchen play set that had technically been bought for Vivian, claiming she was head chef because she was older. Her mom had laughed endlessly about that.

  She remembered the doll set an aunt had given Vivian, how Vivian hated them, and how furious her father had been when he’d found her playing with them instead. That had been around the time they’d started seeing their parents less, and it had been days before Ana caught on and made Miguel come tell Teresa she wasn’t in trouble for playing with toys.

  When she’d hit puberty, she remembered feeling like something was off with her body that she couldn’t express in words. She’d tried asking her mom first, but Ana had suggested that perhaps Miguel would be a better person to ask. He’d just waved her off with a glib comment about changes and hormones and gone back to calculating the costs of renovating part of the restaurant.

  She couldn’t remember her dad paying much attention after that, not for a long while. Then she’d started dating Sarah, and Dad had suddenly had more time to share random tidbits he considered wisdom. “Don’t get too attached,” he’d said with a twinkle in his eye. “She’s just your first girlfriend. You’re young, you should play the field. There are many beautiful young women in the world.”

  A week later, when Vivian had been caught holding hands with a boy from her class, their father had berated her as being too young for romance. “Save yourself for the right man.” Miguel’s face was stern. “These boys, they’re only after one thing. Wait until you find the one that deserves you.”

  The contrast in advice had always stuck with Teresa. Ana’s had always been the same. “Follow your heart.”

  It had been that advice that had ultimately given Teresa the courage to run away, but she would never tell her mother that—if she ever spoke to her mother again at all. Never seemed like an impossible option; if Teresa was being honest with herself, it was reconnecting with her father that scared her the most.

  A month before she’d run away, she remembered going to her mother in tears explaining that she wanted to quit football. It had been her father that had pushed her into picking up a sport, and for a while it had been okay. She was good at it. Over time, she had grown to hate it (especially when she had to spend time in the locker room). The thing that kept her on the team the longest was how proud her father had looked when he made it to one of her games.

  “Will Dad hate me?” she remembered asking on one of the rare occasions her mom was home after school. Ana had smiled and given her a hug. They’d always love Teresa no matter what, she had said, then offered to speak to Miguel on Teresa’s behalf.

  Teresa had chickened out, deciding to remain on the team. Then the guys had put up a dry erase board about the girls with the best ‘tits’ in school and Teresa had hit a breaking point. She was never sure why that’s what did it, but it was. Her life had been exhausting, and she’d often found herself hoping she wouldn’t wake up the next morning. The football team was just one of a million pebbles she carried that weighed her down.

  Maybe if her mother’s career hadn’t been taking off, or if her dad just had time so she could have tried to make him understand, things could have been different. Tía Angelina would have understood.

  Teresa sighed and shook herself. She had been a scared kid then. Given how long it had been since she’d moved back and how she had yet to contact them, she felt like not much had changed. She was just older.

  With a sigh, she rolled her eyes and admitted to herself that wasn’t right. It had been a long, hard road, but she was happier.

  “But definitely not wiser,” she mumbled. Her phone buzzed and, noting that it was just about time to clock out, she picked it up. Her mood instantly changed. With a smile, she read Lian’s text.

  ‘You, me, that Greek place on 18th?’

  Ready to leave the past where it belonged, Teresa’s reply was quick. ‘Absolutely.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  The following Thursday night found them in Teresa’s apartment ensconced on the couch with Lian’s Switch plugged in to the TV. They hadn’t been able to work out scheduling for their usual lunch with Sharon and Vivian, so Teresa had suggested that she and Lian play something together that evening. She knew Lian liked to game, and though she hadn’t done much of it herself, she was open to trying something besides Mario Kart out.

  At first, Lian had been skeptical. She wasn’t sure if Teresa’s interest was genuine or out of a misguided sense of guilt about the status of their relationship.

  “What are you, no. That’s the wrong—”
Lian burst into laughter, which she immediately tried to tamp down. “Sorry, sorry. I’m not laughing at you.”

  Squinting at the screen in concentration, Teresa shook her head. “Yes, you are. I forgive you for both.”

  Lian was too busy trying to avoid an enemy to comprehend the meaning. “Both?”

  “Laughing at me and lying about it. Ha! Got one!” Teresa wriggled in place and Lian grinned.

  “Sorry. The controls can be hard to get used to, but this game is so fun.” She tapped a combo to do a barrel roll. An enemy was in her sights, and she was delighted when she and Teresa managed to fire on the spacecraft at the same time. “Nice.”

  Lian had since realized that Teresa, of course, was being genuine. Though Lian had been doing an admirable job keeping control of her insecurities, they still got the better of her from time to time. Teresa was having fun. She was having fun.

  “Was that, yes! That was the last one! We did it!” Teresa flung her arms up, then twisted to face Lian to press a swift kiss to her lips.

  Snuggled tightly between them, Artemis gave a plaintive mew, but didn’t move. Lian wasn’t sure how she’d managed to nap at all with Teresa’s enthusiastic movements.

  “So, you like the game?” Lian asked, already knowing the answer.

  Teresa tilted her head and slid her hand over her hair, twisting the ends around her fingertips as she smiled. God, Lian loved that dimple. “Absolutely. Thank you for letting me play the hot butch, by the way.”

  “Right.” Lian blinked and licked her lips. She cleared her throat. “Right. Yeah, well. I can play anytime, you know. I can be generous and give you my favorite character.”

  “Right,” Teresa parroted back. She was staring at Lian’s mouth. It was all the encouragement Lian needed.

  Unfortunately, it was not one of her smoother moments. They twisted at the same time, resulting in a painful lip-to-tooth bump.

  They pulled apart with a wince, then it was Teresa’s turn to laugh. Lian didn’t have time to feel bad about it when Teresa cupped her cheek and leaned in again. Teresa’s lower lip was deliciously full, and it fit perfectly between Lian’s.

  Whatever Lian had been about to say was forgotten. Had she even wanted to speak? Why would she ever want to do that when kissing Teresa was an option?

  Teresa sighed against her mouth as the kiss ended. “Am I fooling either of us?” she murmured.

  “Hm? About what?” Lian was still kiss-drunk. Her brain was incapable of higher functions, like thinking.

  “Us.” Teresa rubbed a thumb lightly over Lian’s lips. “Am I being dumb?”

  Lian reached up to grasp Teresa’s hand, lightly kissing her palm before bringing both to rest against her knee. “Definitely not. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself in a good mental place, it’s fine. I’m not being hurt. The opposite, in fact.” Lian squeezed her hand. “You and I both know enough about what this is. I’m not worried. We’re letting things happen, and honestly that’s helpful for me, too. I wasn’t kidding about it being a while since I dated.”

  Teresa flipped her hand so she was holding Lian’s. “Speaking of dates; friends do dates, right? Want to go on one tomorrow?”

  Ready to agree to whatever Teresa wanted, Lian hesitated. She frowned. “Friends can totally go on dates, and I want to say yes but I feel like there’s something I have to do tomorrow.” What day was it, even? She’d been bad about keeping track of her schedule (and time in general) since she’d started kissing Teresa.

  With a smug grin and a twinkle in her eye, Teresa sat back and released Lian’s hand. “Go ahead and check your calendar. I can wait.”

  “You don’t have to sound so satisfied.” Lian pursed her lips to hide a smile. Smug Teresa was kind of hot, but she wouldn’t admit that out loud. She shook her head and retrieved her phone from the side table. Her pleasant mood dissipated when she pulled up her calendar app. She forced herself to change mental gears and go back to enjoying her time with Teresa. “I’m good. It’s just something I need to do during my lunch hour.”

  Teresa picked up Artemis. “Something for work?”

  “Kind of,” Lian hedged. Tomorrow, Ana and Makayla would be celebrating their birthdays together. Ana normally didn’t like doing anything for her birthday, but Makayla had insisted. Lian hadn’t said she would go, but she’d planned to give Ana a call and take Makayla’s present to work. Makayla hung out at the office after school anyway, so it was convenient.

  “You know, you get this certain look on your face when you’re trying to avoid talking about my family. It took me a while to place what it was.”

  Lian jerked her head up and frowned. “Do I?” Shit. She shouldn’t have said that. Why did she always forget herself around Teresa? No one would think she was used to finding and keeping secrets for a living.

  Teresa shifted Artemis to her left arm, and then gently squeezed Lian’s shoulder. “Yes. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I’ve just been paying way more attention to you lately. I kind of like that I can read you more easily now.”

  Unsure what that meant she should do, Lian clasped her hands together and nodded. “Okay.”

  They stared at one another. Teresa gave her a small smile. “My mom’s birthday is soon.”

  The tension that had built up in Lian’s chest eased. “Yeah. She hasn’t liked celebrating it for years, but Makayla conned her into combining their birthdays so they could have cake together. They’re going out for dinner.”

  Teresa grinned, though her eyes were shining with moisture. “That sounds like Makayla.”

  “Yep.” Lian searched her expression. “She fits right in with the Barreras.”

  “A hundred percent.” Teresa rolled her lips together and glanced away. “It’s okay if you want to go to the dinner.”

  Lian was shaking her head before Teresa could finish. “No, no way. I wasn’t going to go. Makayla invited her two best friends, and Ana invited their parents, which means—”

  “That’s a couple of people over your strangers-at-dinner cap,” Teresa finished with a chuckle. “Okay, yeah, I get it. So… friend date with me? I was thinking the movies. That new one with The Rock is out.”

  It had also been out for a while, so it probably wouldn’t be at max capacity. Less people suited Lian just fine, something she knew Teresa understood. A warm, giddy feeling grew in her chest. She’d been worried for so long about her social anxiety and how it impacted those around her. It was nice to have someone not only not pressure her about it, but also have that be factored into their plans as a default.

  “I’ll pick you up, just let me know what time.” Lian lightly bumped her knee against Teresa’s.

  Teresa quirked an eyebrow. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed that, since we got back from the trip, you’ve been trying to arrange things so I won’t be driving.”

  “I have no idea what you mean,” Lian said as she affected an innocent look. “I was thinking we could use a ride share service, that way we don’t have to worry about parking on a Friday night.”

  “Uh huh,” Teresa flatly returned. “A likely story. I’m a really good driver!”

  Lian picked up her controller and wagged it in Teresa’s direction. “Fine. Let’s do a round of Mario Kart to decide this like civilized people.”

  “You know I suck at that game!” Teresa reached for a pillow.

  Knowing it was coming, Lian cleanly dodged it. “It’s a driving game, Teresa. It’s a fair way to end this.” She reached into the messenger bag she’d carried the console in. “Look, I even brought the wheel attachment for you.”

  “Fine,” Teresa hissed out. “But I get to practice for a few rounds first.”

  “Yes ma’am,” Lian solemnly agreed. It hadn’t helped Teresa much last time, so it was an easy concession.

  “I know what you’re thinking, Lian. I’m going to prove you wrong!” Teresa announced as she scooted forward, inadvertently dislodging Artemis from her cozy spot.

  Lian pet the disgruntl
ed cat. “Don’t worry, Artemis,” she cooed, “it’ll all be over soon.”

  Teresa muttered some curses in Spanish.

  ***

  The movie, part of a series Teresa hadn’t bothered to keep up with until they’d added Dwayne Johnson, had been good mindless fun. It was just what she wanted, what with everything going on in her life.

  They waited for the theater to empty before standing, and Teresa was delightfully surprised when Lian took her hand.

  “It had some pretty good action scenes,” Lian said as they shuffled down the stairs in the dim lighting.

  Teresa smiled. “Mm, yeah. I doubt I’ll remember much of the movie tomorrow, but it was entertaining.” She paused when they turned a corner. “There’s something about The Rock that’s just so charming. I feel like I’d watch him in pretty much anything.”