Knowing Her

by Raquel De Leon

  “Yeah, that should have been your first clue,” Caroline mumbled.

  Lian smiled. Though she loved both her older sisters, their low-key rivalry always amused her. “I thought it would shut Mom up.”

  “Like that would ever happen.” Caroline paused. “That sounded mean. You know I love Mom.”

  “Preaching to the choir.” Lian shrugged. The quiet returned.

  “Colton and I have been talking. We’re going to adopt.”

  The soft, hopeful declaration made Lian roll onto her elbow so she could see Caroline’s face. She was grinning. Lian found herself mirroring the expression. “That’s great! I’m going to be an aunt!”

  If it was possible, Caroline’s grin widened. “I expect you to spoil them ridiculously.”

  “Like I wasn’t going to already,” Lian scoffed with a roll of her eyes.

  “Good.” Caroline’s smile dimmed, her eyes searching Lian’s. “Now, you want to tell me what’s going on with you?”

  With a grunt, Lian flopped back down onto her back. “It’s complicated.”

  Caroline poked her in the side with an elbow. “I’ve got time.”

  Lian started slowly, discussing her friendship with Teresa and how it had changed over time. She faltered when she spoke about Ana’s request. Maybe Caroline would have some magical solution.

  “Well,” Caroline wryly intoned, “I can see why you’re having a staring contest with the ceiling.”

  With a sigh, Lian deflated. Of course, there was no magical solution. She allowed herself to get lost in daydreams. At least she knew what it felt like to walk down the street holding Teresa’s hand and the giddy feeling that started in her stomach when Teresa’s head angled down to rest on her shoulder. The warm feelings faded.

  It hadn’t been the right time for them, anyway.

  “What are you going to do?” Caroline eventually asked.

  Lian pursed her lips. “The only thing I can do.” A solemn weight settled in her chest.

  She didn’t see the pillow coming.

  “Good!” Caroline said as she raised the pillow and aimed for Lian’s face again. “Now come have dinner. Colton will cry if you don’t eat some of his latest masterpiece.”

  Lian sputtered as she deflected another blow, unable to figure out if she should be laughing or shoving Caroline off the bed. “Fine, you jerk.”

  “You love me.” Caroline winked, then scurried off the bed. “Now come eat!”

  “Yes, Mom.” Lian shook her head as she stood. Some things never changed. She paused and bit her lip, then turned to find her phone.

  Her heart pounded loudly in her ears as she unlocked the screen and pulled up Teresa’s info. As the call connected, she held her breath. “Hey. Can I come over later?”

  Chapter Fourteen

  All the lights were on in Teresa’s apartment. Normally, she liked to be conscientious about her energy consumption. The pacing that had begun after Lian’s call had taken her all over—and nearly headfirst onto the floor when she’d almost tripped over one of Artemis’s forgotten toys. The lights were a precaution.

  “We’re not even dating and I’m already a mess,” Teresa confessed into the phone.

  On the other end of the line, Sıdıka laughed.

  Teresa glowered. “This isn’t funny!”

  “Yeah,” Sıdıka countered, “it kind of is.”

  Before Teresa could retort, she continued. “Look, I know you’re scared because of how things happened with us, but you shouldn’t be. Lian isn’t me, and your friendship with her is certainly a hell of a lot different than ours. Besides, I think it’s too late. You said it yourself, you’re already stressing like you are dating her.”

  “But,” Teresa’s throat worked, “what if she’s coming over to tell me she doesn’t want that?”

  Again, Sıdıka laughed. “Please. Spare me. You’re a great person, and you’re hot as hell. She already likes you. Don’t sabotage things and you’ll be fine.” Some muffled sounds filtered through. “Hey, I hate to leave you like this but Amanda’s threatening to make me sleep on the couch if I don’t run out and get her some ice cream.”

  Teresa managed a tight smile. “Far be it from me to come between a pregnant woman and her cravings. Thanks for talking to me.”

  “Anytime.”

  The call ended and Teresa was left holding her phone, gazing out at nothing. With a sigh, she plugged her phone in to charge. How long was Lian going to take? About to put her phone down, she noticed an unread text. Her cheeks flushed. It was from Lian, letting Teresa know she was on her way. The timestamp indicated the message had come twenty-three minutes prior. She hadn’t even realized she’d been on the line with Sıdıka that long.

  All at once, Teresa began rushing around the apartment turning lights off. Artemis followed her, softly mewing and wanting to be held.

  To keep from having a heart attack, Teresa obliged her. “Thank goodness you like to cuddle,” Teresa muttered as she buried her face against Artemis’s neck.

  Almost as soon as she calmed down, there was a knocking at the door. She didn’t bother asking who it was. The locks seemed loud in the sudden silence. “Hey,” she quietly greeted as she opened the door.

  “Hey.” Lian’s hands were in the pockets of her old jeans, a wry smile on her face. “Thanks for letting me come over on such short notice.”

  “Of course.” Teresa held Artemis a little tighter. “Why don’t you come in?”

  She took a moment to calm herself as she shut the door but was surprised to find that Lian hadn’t gone far.

  Lian leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms. “Look, I’ve been thinking about this a lot since we got back from the trip and I just need to get everything out before I spiral into the mother of all anxiety attacks.”

  Teresa could only nod as Lian continued speaking.

  “I’ve been doing my best not to talk too much about your family. I respect and care for you, and I want you to be able to process everything at your own pace. It’s your life.” Lian briefly shut her eyes. “But I’ve been put into an impossible position and I need to tell you. Your mom wants to take over handling the search for you. As you know, Vivian had me working your case before. That was just some extra work one month a year while I did other cases, but things have changed.”

  “I…” Teresa’s brain felt momentarily disconnected. She thought she’d be prepared for whatever Lian would have to say. “I don’t know—what does that mean?”

  Lian glanced down. “It means that either I take on the case to find you full-time or she’ll hire someone else to do it. She knows that this case has become personal to me over the years, so she’s agreed to giving me time to think about it. I don’t want to force you into doing anything one way or another, I just thought you deserved to know.”

  Teresa wasn’t as well-hidden as she had been before. Things had changed when she’d reinitiated contact with Vivian. They’d find her fast. She wasn’t ready. The tremors started so small that Teresa didn’t notice them at first. “And to th-think,” she stuttered as the shaking began to intensify. “A few minutes ago, my biggest concern was if you wanted to date me or not.”

  “Teresa?” Lian frowned and pushed off the wall, carefully moving closer. “Are you okay?”

  Artemis meowed in protest, her tail anxiously twitching as the shaking began in earnest. A great roaring filled Teresa’s ears and it felt like she couldn’t breathe. She felt brief touches on her arms and then Artemis’s fur was no longer cushioned against her chest.

  “Teresa, I’m going to need you to breathe. Come on, with me. At least four seconds on the inhale, like this.”

  Teresa absently attempted to follow the directions. Her eyes were wide as she felt and watched Lian’s chest expand. When had Lian taken her hand?

  “No matter what happens, I’m right here,” Lian said as she brought Teresa’s hand to her chest. Her face was smooth except for a faint wrinkle between her eyebrows. “I just need you t
o breathe with me.” Lian’s body was firm and warm and, while they breathed together, Teresa almost forgot they were two distinct people.

  “That’s it.” Lian smiled faintly. “And for the record, I’d be an idiot if I didn’t want to date you.”

  Teresa felt a faint spark of something but couldn’t react. She wasn’t sure how long they stood there, their hands together against Lian’s sternum. Lian made comments now and then, and eventually more of the world began to filter into Teresa’s awareness.

  “Butter,” Teresa eventually said.

  “Hm?” The lone wrinkle on Lian’s brow deepened.

  “Butter,” Teresa repeated. “You asked what I added to my spaghetti that made it so delicious. It’s butter.”

  Lian smiled, and Teresa’s lips felt tight as she struggled to do the same. “Butter, huh?”

  “Yeah. It works for a lot of things.” Teresa blinked hard. “I know it’s not the healthiest, but it works.” She hesitated, then closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “No.” She felt Lian take a step closer. “I’m sorry. I should have done this better.”

  Teresa shook her head, then sighed when Lian wrapped her into a hug. For a moment, it felt like their breathing was still in sync. She pressed her hands more firmly against Lian’s shoulder blades. She knew she should say something about Lian’s situation, but she wasn’t ready. “Did you mean what you said?”

  “About what?”

  She felt the hitch in Lian’s breathing and was glad they weren’t looking at one another. She gathered her courage, scant as it was. “Dating me.”

  Lian heaved out a breath. “Teresa, I’ve been into you for such a long time that it’s embarrassing to think about.”

  At last, Teresa was able to smile. “Really? I never got that vibe from you.”

  “That’s because I’m so thick. I didn’t realize what I was feeling. It’s just been such a long time. I just… like being with you.”

  Teresa chuckled and pulled partially out of the hug. Lian’s cheeks were flushed. “For the record, there’s nothing wrong with that. Feelings are complicated.”

  Lian smiled crookedly. “If you say so.”

  A sense of adoration grew in Teresa’s chest the longer they looked at one another. “Lian,” she eventually broached. “There’s been something I’ve been wanting to do since our trip.”

  “Okay.” Lian tilted her head, smile still in place.

  Teresa laughed. “I haven’t even told you what it was.”

  Lian shrugged and Teresa found it impossible to wait any longer. Lian’s eyes fluttered closed just before their lips touched, and when they did, Teresa felt like she was going to float away. Something unnameable settled in her with the first kiss. No matter what happened, kissing Lian couldn’t be something she would regret. They kissed again, and then Teresa chuckled under her breath and leaned her forehead against Lian’s. “This is basically the worst timing possible.”

  “Eh.” She felt Lian shrug again. “I’ve always been different.”

  ***

  Both worried about Teresa and still in disbelief that they’d kissed, Lian didn’t argue when Teresa asked her to stay. They ended up squeezed together on the couch, Teresa partly on top of her and Artemis contently napping on her stomach.

  “Are you sure you’re comfortable?” Teresa asked.

  Lian smiled. “I’m perfect.” She liked having Teresa’s head on her shoulder, their arms loosely around one another.

  Teresa’s head tilted up so she could see Lian’s face. “Mushball.”

  “You cried when I showed you that video of soldiers returning home to their dogs.”

  “Who wouldn’t?” Teresa adjusted her head back to a more comfortable position. “Besides, I never said I wasn’t a mushball. We match.”

  “That’s not so bad.” Lian’s smile widened when she found herself staring up at the ceiling. Only a few hours before, she’d been doing the same thing for a much different reason.

  Teresa sighed and began playing with the collar of her t-shirt. Lian glanced down.

  “I know we need to talk about,” Teresa swallowed, “my mom, but I honestly don’t know what to say. Or do.”

  Lian listened to the sound of the air conditioner kicking on, then lightly squeezed Teresa’s arm. “It’s okay.”

  “I don’t even know why I’m so scared. Vivian talks about our parents sometimes, and I’m sure my mom wouldn’t hate me or anything. I just…”

  “You’ve been carrying this fear around since you ran away. That’s over a decade of trying to bury this, Teresa. I get it.” She felt Teresa nod.

  “You’re right. I know you are. I just get so frustrated with myself sometimes.” Teresa sighed. “Lian, are you out to your parents?”

  Lian pursed her lips. “Technically, yes. My parents like to pretend I never told them, though at this point I think my mom wouldn’t mind if I married a wombat as long as it meant I wouldn’t be alone.” She debated with herself. “Honestly, moving away from my family was the best thing I ever did. Caroline came here for school and I followed with the excuse it was so she wouldn’t be alone. When I met Vivian and the rest of your family I just, I finally felt like I found my place. I’m not very close to your family, but I love them. They’re so open and warm.”

  “I think,” Teresa began slowly, “that I know that. It didn’t feel like that when I hit high school, but I didn’t recognize until later it was me that changed. I realized stuff about myself, obviously, and I felt so disconnected from them. At first, I tried to figure out how I could stop what I was feeling, to fix myself. Eventually, I realized that was impossible. I was scared and became resentful of them for making me feel like I had to hide.” Teresa laughed, but she didn’t sound amused. “And the comprehension of what I was feeling began when I was so repelled by how guys my age acted and talked, especially about girls. I didn’t relate to them in the slightest.”

  Lian kissed the top of her head. “I get that on a different level. The reason my first boyfriend and I started dating was because everyone changed once we hit junior high. They were all obsessed with who was hot, dating, sex. All that stuff, and so David and I kind of just started hanging out.”

  “I was interested in that stuff,” Teresa paused, “on a limited basis. It irritated my first girlfriend beyond belief. I surrounded myself with all these girl friends and then I only wanted to fool around with her sometimes. She got so jealous. I didn’t understand for a while that my utter fascination with girls wasn’t a sexual thing. Well, not completely. When I began transitioning, I went through a period identifying as asexual.”

  Lian blinked and stared down at Teresa’s head, silently wishing for more details. She gently cleared her throat. “Really?”

  Teresa nodded, then sighed. “I don’t know. I tried dating then but there’s just a lot of people who fetishize trans women. I felt used the few times I met someone. It made me feel gross about sex for a while.”

  “That sucks, I’m sorry.” Lian absently began rubbing Teresa’s back.

  “Not your fault. Besides, all those experiences made me into who I am. I like who I am.”

  “I like who you are, too.” Lian relaxed again. The ceiling of Teresa’s apartment wasn’t textured, but there were little spots of shadow from the windows and lights. “I thought I was asexual for years, you know. Then I realized I was attracted to you.”

  Teresa chuckled and nuzzled into her shoulder. “You know it’s a spectrum, right? Gray asexuality is a thing.”

  Lian frowned. “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “I just thought it might be something you could look into, since you seem more comfortable being able to label how you feel.”

  “Okay.” Still feeling confused, Lian promised herself to try and remember the term.

  They were quiet for a while, the sounds of Artemis’s soft snores and the running AC creating a pleasant white noise.

  “It feels like so much is changing so fast. I’v
e gotten a rush out of that in the past, but right now it just seems terrifying.” Teresa’s voice was so low that Lian had to strain to decipher the words.

  “I get that.” Lian clenched and unclenched her teeth as she considered her options. A small ball of anxiety formed in her stomach. “I know that we kind of jumped ahead of ourselves tonight. I know you’ve got a lot going on, and I want you to know we don’t have to change what we are. We don’t need to define this, not yet. We can just be.”

  Teresa froze, then pushed up so she was looking down at Lian. “That doesn’t seem like it would be fair to you.”