Carved in Ice

by Ivy Smoak

  His lips softly brushed against mine. It was like I could hear the summer cicadas and feel the hot breeze on my grandmother’s roof again. But the memory disappeared when he pulled me closer. I parted my lips for him as he buried his fingers in my hair.

  I stood up on my tiptoes, deepening our kiss. It was better than a memory. Better than a dream. Better than all the stars in the sky. It felt like he stole my soul in that kiss. Even though he already had it.

  And I knew in that second that I had never loved Eli like this. Never like this. Not even close. How could I? Miles had always been the one for me.

  “Ow, ow!” Kins yelled.

  Miles pulled back far too soon, but I held him close and whispered in his ear.

  “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I swear to you. My heart has always belonged to you, Miles. Always.”

  He pressed his forehead against mine and took a deep breath. It was like he was breathing me in. “I’ve missed you so damn much.”

  I knew exactly what he meant. Our time apart had almost killed me. He had said it right before. I didn’t know how to breathe without him. And it felt so good to finally be living again.

  Chapter 42

  Wednesday

  I grabbed another slice of pizza. There really wasn’t much strategizing going on. Liza had gone over the plan several times already. We had it down. Now we were just suffering through an awkward group date. Or really, the interrogation of V. The rapid-fire questions seemed endless.

  I glanced over at Eli and Liza. They seemed cozy. His arm was draped behind her chair. He wasn’t touching her, but they were clearly an item now. I was happy for him. For both of them.

  Patrick and Kins seemed happier than I had last seen them too. Although, they were fighting the last time I had seen them, so anything would have been better. His arm was wrapped tightly around Kins’ shoulders and he kept giving Miles dirty looks. I guess he was probably aware of Kins’ crush on Miles last semester.

  And then there was Miles and me. Miles and me. I smiled to myself. I had waited a lifetime for us to be an us.

  “So why did you go by V?” Patrick asked as he took another sip of his drink.

  “A V looks like the point of an arrow,” Miles said.

  “Okay…”

  “Like your tattoo?” Kins asked.

  Patrick stared at her.

  She nudged his shoulder. “He was walking around without a shirt earlier. I wasn’t checking him out or anything.”

  “Yup, like my tattoo.” Miles looked so uncomfortable. He had tried to dismiss himself from dinner a few times now. I understood why. The more questions they asked, the more uncomfortable I got too.

  “Like an arrow and like your tattoo,” Patrick said. “What significance does it have though?”

  Miles looked over at me. “The arrow isn’t the significance. It’s the constellation it represents. Sagitta.”

  My heart melted.

  “Summer used to wear an arrow pendant too,” Eli said.

  Used to. Miles smiled at me. There wasn’t anger in his eyes. Our talk earlier had really helped. It was true, I had stopped wearing it when I was with Eli. I was wearing it again now though. It was back where it belonged, right next to my heart.

  I pulled it out from underneath my shirt. There was no reason to hide it anymore. “When we were little, I used to sneak over to Miles’ tree house at night to look at the stars. He taught me about all the constellations. Sagitta was my favorite. It was hard to find because it was so small. You had to search and search to really see it.” I ran my fingers over the pendant. “The arrow reminded me of cupid’s arrow too. I was madly in love with him and I always hoped he’d be struck by it.” I let the necklace fall back into place.

  “Is that true?” Miles asked.

  I nodded.

  “So sweet,” Kins said. “God, you two are the most adorable couple ever. So all this time you still loved each other? Did you buy the necklace to remember him?”

  “No, he gave it to me the first night we ever held hands.” The memory was bittersweet. Bliss before utter destruction. My whole world had been flipped upside down in a matter of minutes. I could still see the sky lighting up blue and red from the police car.

  Miles grabbed my hand under the table. It was like he could hear my unspoken thoughts. Just like when we were little. He squeezed my hand and tried to absorb my pain.

  “There’s nothing more romantic than childhood sweethearts,” Kins said.

  Patrick squeezed her shoulder. “What about college sweethearts?”

  “Or secret vigilante team sweethearts?” Liza looked up at Eli.

  Eli laughed. “By the way, I’m sorry I unmasked you, man. No hard feelings?” He stuck his hand out to Miles.

  Miles narrowed his eyes slightly. “Nothing else you want to apologize for?”

  “Miles,” I said. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “No, he’s right,” Eli said. “I’m sorry for trying to steal Summer away. Really. I knew who you were and honestly, I knew she was still in love with you and I still kept interfering. You two were meant to be together. I mean it.” He stuck his hand back out.

  Miles shook it.

  “Besides, I finally opened up my eyes and realized that what I was missing was right in front of me.” He looked down at Liza and her face turned bright red.

  “I have another question,” Liza said.

  Miles sighed. “Haven’t I answered enough questions for one night?”

  She laughed. “It isn’t anything bad. I was just wondering if you changed your bandages recently? They looked pretty…um…bloody earlier. We really need you tomorrow and…”

  “I’m fine. But speaking of tomorrow, we need to get Patrick and Kins up to speed.” He turned to them. “I heard there was a little bit of accidental firing in the hotel the other morning, Kins. I can teach you and Patrick…”

  “Babe, you shot a gun?” Patrick asked.

  She shrugged. “We kind of kicked ass yesterday. Didn’t we, Liza?” She held her hand up for a high-five.

  “Heck yeah we did, slut.” Liza slapped her hand.

  Kins just stared at her. “Why would you call me that? I’ve been dating Patrick for months. I…”

  “Because we’re friends. That’s what friends do.”

  Eli whispered something into Liza’s ear.

  Liza nodded. “Okay so apparently some friends do when it’s cool with everyone. We’ll talk about that later. First we have some training to do.” She rubbed her hands together.

  “Miles, I can show them if you want,” Eli said. “I heard you got pretty banged up yesterday.”

  Miles stared at him. “I’m fine. You just got out of the hospital. I got this.”

  “Really, I can…”

  “I’ll do it,” I said and stood up. “You both need rest.” I didn’t tell them that the last time I had held a gun I froze. I had an opportunity to shoot Don, but I was worried I’d miss. At least, that’s what I told myself. I was concerned that it was more than that though. What if I couldn’t pull the trigger when it mattered?

  I had another opportunity yesterday morning at the hotel. I couldn’t find the bottle I had broken, but there were tons of things in the room. I could have even grabbed a lamp and hit him over the head. Or even strangled him. But I ran. I always seemed to run.

  I picked up one of the guns and cocked it. I was done running. Tomorrow I was going to end this. I aimed at the target and pressed the trigger.

  Chapter 43

  Wednesday

  I was expecting Miles to be asleep when I slipped into his room. But he was sitting at his desk reading a piece of paper. When he saw me, he slid the paper back into the envelope.

  “What was that?” I asked.

  “Nothing important.” He tossed it on his desk and stood up.

  It felt like I was dreaming as he walked over to me. And if I was dreaming, I never wanted to wake up.

  He cupped my cheek in his hand. “Ever sin
ce you disappeared, I had this idea in my head that love was synonymous with pain. But we finally get to stop hurting now. We finally get to experience what it really is.”

  I used to think the same thing. That love was just some sick excuse to get hurt. “There are so many things I never got to say to you.” I stared into his dark brown eyes and all my thoughts disappeared. “So many nights I stayed awake looking at the stars wishing you knew that I loved you.”

  “I knew.” He smiled. “You wouldn’t have been so annoying when we were little if you weren’t in love with me.”

  I laughed. “You’re so conceited…”

  His lips crashed against mine, silencing me. I melted into him. I was addicted to all of him. Smell, sight, taste, touch, and sound.

  “Annoying.” His voice was low when his lips traveled down to my neck. “Kind.” He kissed the side of my neck. “Frustrating.”

  I laughed.

  “Intelligent.” His kisses trailed down my collarbone. “Infuriating.”

  “Miles!”

  “Funny.” He pushed my sweater off my shoulder and kissed it. “And so fucking beautiful. So perfect.”

  “That was a list of good and bad things. Clearly I’m not perfect.”

  “No, they were all good things.” His hand slid beneath the hem of my sweater and he traced the scar on my stomach with his thumb. “Every inch of you is perfect.”

  Yes, we got to say everything we never got to the first time around. But him saying that was all I needed to know. He accepted me, scars and all. No, not just accepted me. Loved me in spite of them. Loved me because of them.

  “You’re not just conceited,” I said. “You were a terribly mean little boy.”

  He laughed.

  “But sweet. Strong. Confident. Stubborn. And you’re sexy as sin. I used to think that you were my prince. My knight in shining armor. I know you tear yourself up for not being there for me. But I don’t think I was ever meant to be a princess. I was born to be a superhero too.”

  “You’re a much better superhero than me. You’d actually look good in leather and spandex.”

  “Oh I don’t know about that. You could pull off leather.”

  “We’ve been back together for less than 24 hours and you’re already trying to change me?”

  “No.” I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair like he did so often. “I wouldn’t want to change a thing about you.” My hand paused on the back of his neck. “Except for how much I hurt you.”

  “I wish your heart had never been broken.” His hand was still on my stomach. “I wish he’d never touched you. I wish I could take away your pain.”

  “You’re the only person that makes me feel whole again.” I used to think that his superpower was taking away my pain.

  His hand slid farther up my shirt, pausing on my ribcage. It was like he was waiting for permission to ravish me.

  And I had the most heartwarming realization. He was the only person that had never pushed me farther than I wanted to go. Ever. I had grabbed his hand in his tree house first. I had kissed him first when we were little on the rooftop. I had kissed him first when he was V. It was always me that closed the gap between us. He respected me more than anyone else ever had. Him respecting me was one of the sexiest things about him.

  I swallowed hard and looked up at him. “Remember when we were on the roof of our dorm building and I asked you to pretend for one night that you loved me? Because I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved?”

  “And I told you I didn’t have to pretend with you. I knew it was you, Summer. I’ve always known it was you.”

  I nodded. “But this time I’ll know it’s real.”

  “No masks.” He grabbed my hips and lifted my legs around his waist. “No fake names.” He lowered me onto his bed. “No lies. I promise you that this is real.”

  I grabbed the waistband of his sweatpants and pushed them and his underwear down. Maybe I always closed the gap, but he clearly always wanted me too. When I looked back up at him, he raised his eyebrow at me and it was probably the sexiest thing I had ever seen. I felt like I was going to internally combust if he wasn’t inside of me in the next second. I pulled off my sweater and peeled off my leggings and underwear.

  “And no foreplay apparently,” he said.

  I laughed. “I’ve waited so long for you. For us.”

  He climbed onto the bed on top of me, slowly pushing my thighs farther apart. “And the timing’s finally fucking right.”

  I tried to say something, but my words blurred together in an incoherent mess as he thrust inside of me. So fucking right.

  “I love you, Summer.”

  “God, Miles!” I pulled him closer to me. I hoped he knew that meant I loved him too.

  He pulled me closer still until our bodies couldn’t be any more perfectly aligned.

  He took away the pain. He gave me every single thing I needed. I felt truly loved from my head to my toes.

  Again.

  And again.

  And again until I passed out in his arms smiling harder than I ever had.

  Chapter 44

  Thursday

  “It shouldn’t take long at all for them to get here.” Miles’ voice sounded in my ear. “And the package is being delivered as soon as you initiate the distraction.”

  I didn’t respond. I knew the plan. We had been over it a dozen times.

  “I’ll be watching the whole time, Summer. We all will. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

  His voice was calming, but my thoughts had been at war all day. Nothing bad was going to happen. But it could. I wasn’t sure if I was going to stick to the plan. I wasn’t sure if I could live with myself if I did. Don deserved to be in the ground, not behind bars. This wasn’t justice.

  “Just stick to the plan,” Miles said, like he could hear my thoughts.

  I touched the earpiece I was wearing. “I will.” But there were two plans running through my mind, and I was thinking my plan was the better one. Miles knew I wanted Don dead. Eli knew it. Liza knew it. I was worried that they had a plan B too. Some safeguard to stop me from killing Don. If I was going to do it, I had to be quick.

  But I had to get into his house either way. I was fine with this part of the plan. Don liked hurting me. He liked seeing me weak when he was the one that caused it. But he didn’t like when other people hurt me.

  I clutched Miles’ hoodie in my hand and thought about the last time I saw my mother. I had said bye and gave her the shortest hug in the history of hugs. I should have said that I loved her. I thought about how my dad had ruffled my hair before stepping out the front door with her. When they closed the door I had thought "finally." Finally. Tears prickled my eyes.

  I thought about standing at their funeral. I thought about my grandmother’s face lined with sadness. I thought about losing her when I was finally feeling like her home was becoming mine too. A tear ran down my cheek.

  I thought about the foster families I had lived with. I thought about Don putting his hands on me. And about Miles’ letters stopping. How I’d never felt so alone. I thought about my baby’s life slipping through my fingers. And how I’d never felt so weak. Tears streamed down my face.

  A snowflake landed on the tip of my nose. I looked up at the sky. It felt like a sign. A kiss from the dead. When I was 16, my last reason for living had been taken from me in the snow. I remembered the blood in the snow. It haunted me. I touched my stomach. I was fucking going with plan B.

  I walked up the steps of Don’s mansion. We had lived in shitholes wherever he took me. But now he wasn’t a criminal. He was New York City’s savior. So many lies. So much blood on his hands.

  Before I could even knock on the door, it swung open. Two of his minions stood there. I recognized one of them. He had been in our house before. He had ignored my cries. I clenched my hand into a fist. I was going to fucking kill him too.

  “Where’s Don? I…I need him.” I tried to sound pathetic. It was easy. I ha
d been pathetic my whole life. I pretended to wipe my tears away, when really I kept thinking about my unborn child so the tears would keep falling. And I thought about how he robbed me of the future I had wanted with Miles. I had always pictured children surrounding us. A family to replace the one that had been taken from me.

  “Pat her down,” the man that I recognized said.

  I clenched my jaw when he ran his hands down my arms. My torso. My legs. Fire. I was burning alive. I remembered the way Don touched me. How he left a trail of bruises. My tears fell like the first time he laid his hands on me. I cried for my weakness.

  “He wasn’t expecting you yet,” the man I recognized said.

  That was the riskiest part of this plan. We could have waited for Julie’s distress call. But that’s what Don wanted. We thought it was better if we were the ones in control. The element of surprise was underrated. Besides, Julie had already led Mr. Crawford into a trap and I was done playing into Don’s hand. And I couldn’t wait until night fell. I couldn’t wait another second.

  “Can you please just go get him?” I pretended to wipe my tears away again. “Please.”

  He stepped outside, grabbed the collar of my jacket, and pulled me into the house. Such a grand foyer for such a rotten man. Gold trim. Mirrors and glass. It looked like an ostentatious hotel lobby. I took a deep breath. It was time for me to initiate the distraction.

  “Don’t touch me!” I screamed. I tried to push his hands away. “Don! Don!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “He’s touching me!” More of Don’s minions appeared. They came through the archways, from the stairs, from the hall.

  The man immediately let go of my jacket. He looked bewildered. “I didn’t touch you,” he hissed. “I escorted you inside.”

  You practically dragged me you prick. “Don!” I screamed. “Don!”

  A few more minions showed up. That had to be most of them. But I kept screaming bloody murder.

  Don appeared at the top of the stairs.

  “Don.” My voice cracked. I ran over to the bottom of the stairs to meet him. “Don, he put his hands on me.” I pointed to the man that had sat there all those years ago and listened to Don rape me. Fuck him.