The question is: Would you still want to know me if I was...different?
Holder
29
October 5
Subject: Sunshine
Holder,
I still want to know you no matter what. I still need to know you. By now you are starting to figure that out… and you’re probably starting to feel that too. Part of that is my fault, but it’s also your fault. And Annabelle’s. She’s definitely not innocent in all this.
Have you ever thought about erasing bad memories? Like cutting them out of your brain. Like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but without all the negative consequences. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, you can’t possibly do anything without consequences, and you’re right.
Have you talked to your roommate about the two times you came home that night? Maybe it would help you. You didn’t overshare… but I guess to be fair I should tell you something too. Lars, the one who I was telling you about earlier on, I kissed him. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. It was either lose someone I care about deeply or give in to him.
I wish you would remember more so we could stop sharing these cryptic emails. Do you remember what the drink tasted like in your dream? Also, have you had any luck with the new diet?
There is nothing I don’t like about you,
Fern
P.S. One important use of chemistry knowledge is making potions.
30
October 8
Subject: I’m not living on Elm Street, right?
I haven’t slept in two days.
Not a wink in two whole days. That's 48 hours, Fern.
I'm not on drugs. I'm not afraid a crazy guy with a burned-up face wearing a striped shirt with blades attached to his fingertips is going to get me if I close my eyes. I just can’t sleep. I’m not tired. It’s not normal. There's no way going without sleep for two solid days and not feeling tired is normal.
I’ve tried to figure out what’s wrong with me. My mind keeps bouncing back to the night I told you about. The night I went to the secret vampire bar with Annabelle. The night my roommate said I came home twice, but I only remember coming home once. I had a nightmare that night. The more I think about it, the more real it feels. Like the dream I had about you healing me with a drink, or potion. (It’s funny you mentioned them in the other email, that’s what I think you gave me in my dream.)
Also, the more I think about the nightmare from that night, the more things begin to make sense.
I'm sounding crazy. I know. You said you wanted us to stop sharing such cryptic emails. I think I'll stop mine now. I need someone to talk to, and you're the only person I feel I can turn to. The only one who for some strange reason I feel might actually believe me.
Please believe me, Fern. I wouldn't make this shit up. I promise you.
I don't think it was a drink at the secret vampire bar that caused all of this. I remember feeling a little more wasted than usual, but I thought maybe the bartender had been in a good mood and poured my drinks a little strong. Now I'm wondering if Annabelle slipped something in one when I wasn't looking. A sedative or something that would make me lose a chunk of time. Hell, maybe she compelled me. I know how crazy that sounds, but if you knew what I do about her (about what she is) it wouldn't seem like such a strange thing to suggest.
What am I doing? There I go being cryptic again. I said I would stop, so I am...
Annabelle is a vampire, and I'm pretty sure she turned me into one.
No. I’m not joking. I only wish I was. I'm sure your eyes are as big as saucers right now and you're probably questioning my mental stability, but trust me, Fern, this is the only thing that makes sense in the situation I’m in.
That new diet of mine? It’s not going good at all. My body rejects everything. I’ve lost weight. So much one of my professors pulled me to the side yesterday to ask if I was okay. I’m hungry, but I can’t eat. Not what I’m craving. It’s gross. Being on campus is like seeing a walking buffet. It’s torturing me. Annabelle came to visit me last night. She gave me a bag of blood. She told me I needed to drink it to complete the transition.
I don't want to drink it. I don't know if I want to complete the transition either. I don’t want to be a monster.
When am I going to wake up, Fern? This is the longest nightmare I've ever had.
Holder
P.S. Was I the person you kissed the asshole for? Did you save my life, Fern? Tell me that dream I had of you was real. Tell me I’m not going crazy. Please...
31
October 9
Subject: Witches don’t always wear pointy hats
Dear Holder,
When I was ten I watched Nightmare on Elm Street for the first time. I wasn’t supposed to. I snuck down and watched it from the hallway when my older cousins had it on. It scared me like nothing ever did, but I couldn’t tell my mom. I knew she’d be so mad at me for sneaking down. So I sucked it up and gave in to sleep. And you know what? I didn’t have any nightmares. I always had nightmares, so the lack of them was strange.
Maybe that’s the best way to handle this situation. I’m going to face it head on without crawling into my mother’s lap (obviously I mean that figuratively).
It wasn’t a dream. None of it was. I’m not a normal human–and you’re not either. Not anymore, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be a monster.
I’m a witch. There, I said it. Now before you pass judgment, understand that being a witch doesn’t mean I’m bad. Just like being a vampire doesn’t mean you’re bad. I gave you a way out, Holder. That’s what the potion was. We are forever connected because of it, and it means you can have a chance at a semi-normal life. Not a human life, that possibility is gone, but a semblance of the life you wanted for yourself.
I should have stepped in sooner, but I had no idea how big the vampire community had grown in Savannah. There is so much more to tell you, but the most important thing is that you find a diet that works for you. I’m sending a package to you via Lars. He’s not going to hurt you, and I promise the stuff in that package won’t hurt you. It’s going to help. I wish I could send you a Binx to help you through, but no extra cats on hand.
It’s not all a bunch of hocus pocus,
Fern
P.S. Of course the kiss was to save you. Would I have done it for anyone else?
P.P.S. Take all the time you need, but let me know if/when you are ready to hear more.
32
October 10
Subject: Vampires aren't always musicians
A witch? I can see that.
I don’t mean that in a bad way. I only mean it as in it fits you. You’ve always had a love for chemistry and when I picture witches I think of (pointy hats, yes) potions.
So, I’m not going crazy? Annabelle really is a bloodsucking vampire and now so am I? Great. Like life wasn’t already complicated enough.
I can’t believe my dream about you was real. I mean I can, but I can’t. Why did you give me the potion? Was whatever Annabelle did to me actually killing me? It felt like it. And, before you ask why I can’t ask her about this, let me tell you.
I mentioned she was clingy, but I didn’t say now she’s sort of pissed. She keeps insisting I drink the bag of blood she gave me, but my gut tells me not to do it.
I’ve never been big on intuition, but drinking her blood seems like sealing a deal with the devil. I keep waiting for her to try to seduce me with promises of being her undead king. I wonder if there’s a way to get rid of her, a way to turn her to stone. Preferably one that doesn’t involve sucking her dry. I know it worked for Lestat, but that’s not something I’m willing to do.
And, how big the vampire community had grown in Savannah? WTF? Did I move to the vampire capital of the world or something? Way to freak me out, Fern.
Shit. There’s a knock at my door. Hold on. I hope it’s not Annabelle again.
Just your friend Lars. He looks like a viking. I can’t believe you kissed him. He seems l
ike an arrogant prick. Maybe that’s just me being hangry and worrying I might still be slowly dying, though. He said to drink what’s in the box and be thankful I have someone who cares so damn much about me, someone willing to go to this length.
What length? What did you do, Fern? There’s blood inside this box. Please tell me it isn’t yours.
Holder
33
October 10
Subject: Blood
Drink the blood, Holder. Please. Drink it. It is my blood, but I promise it won’t make you my slave or anything. I gave you my blood to save you. What you experienced–that sickness- wasn’t normal. And even if you had made it through without me, you would have forever been her slave. I couldn’t let that happen. I care about you too much for that. All the blood is going to do for you is make you strong enough to avoid needing to drink other people's blood. You should slowly be able to eat normal food once and awhile, but your main diet is going to be animal blood. As I told you in my last email, there’s no way you’ll ever be fully human again.
I’m not a witch by training alone. I was born that way, so there is magic in my blood. I’m sure your next question is how long will you have to drink my blood. I don’t really have an answer. Lars–yes, he does look a little bit like a viking now that you said that–thinks you will be able to slowly lessen the amount. He didn’t take too much from me. I’ll be fine, if that’s what you’re worried about. But even if you stop drinking my blood entirely, the connection has been forged. You are always going to feel me, and I’ll feel you. I know I didn’t ask your permission first, but considering the circumstances I felt I had no choice.
Drink the blood. That’s the only thing I’m going to push you to do. Otherwise, you can decide what happens next. As to the vampire population in Savannah, New Orleans got too crowded and so Savannah has become a new hot spot evidently.
Drink the blood and let me know how you feel.
By the way, did you know there was a 1970s horror flick called I Drink your Blood? Interesting trivia, huh?
Missing you right now,
Fern
P.S. Let me know if I should visit you sooner than planned. I want you.
34
October 11
Subject: Interview with Holder
It’s nuts, but I did it. I drank your blood. Took me a while to work myself up to do it. Honestly, I was slightly squeamish and a tad bit queasy. I did it, though.
I’m not lying when I say I felt better instantaneously.
The urge I’ve had crawling through me to tear into my roommate went away faster than I ever thought possible. You have no idea how hard it was to listen to his heart thumping as though it was directly in my ear. He has an abnormal beat. One I don’t even think he’s aware of. And sleep apnea. Part of me thinks I should mention something to him, but another part thinks it would be best if I continued to keep my distance from him. If he thought I was a prick before, now he thinks I’m a psychotic prick. You have no idea the lengths I’ve gone the last few days to avoid him. To avoid everyone basically. Even while attending classes. I’m the creepy kid who sits in the back of the room now. The one with empty seats surrounding him and a hoodie pulled over his head.
I hate that you said my main diet will be animal blood. I mean, I guess that’s a good thing considering the alternative, but still. Animal blood. Yuck. I’m glad I’ll be able to eat normal food here and there, but with the way my taste buds seem to have changed I bet a cheeseburger won’t taste the same. Coffee either.
I died, Fern.
I still can’t wrap my head around that. I seriously freaking died. I’m no longer human. I’m a damn vampire.
And, you’re a witch. It’s like I fell into a movie. I can’t believe this is real. I moved to the second favorite city in the vampire community and freaking died. Guess, I could use this to amp up my game at work, huh? Which by the way, I’m not even sure I have a job there anymore. I had to call in three days in a row because of my condition. I told them it was a relapse of the flu. They asked for a note from the clinic. I can’t get them one because I didn’t go to the clinic. If I had, I might have drained the nurse.
I’ve never heard of that movie. Point for you. Wish I still knew the running tally we have going, but I can’t remember it. I miss you too. More than you know. Thanks for not bailing on me with all of this. You could have. Maybe you should have since now you’re my food source or blood donor. Whatever. Thanks for revealing your secret to me too. You’ve made me feel less alone in this, Fern. I can’t ever thank you enough for that alone.
Come visit whenever you want. You can even interview me for a writing piece while you’re here. Wink, wink and nod to another of your favorite movies. I’m no wealthy plantation owner though, that’s not where my story starts. Also, there will not (I repeat WILL NOT) be a creepy vampire kid in my story either.
And was your last sentence a typo? Did you really mean to say you want me? Or was that supposed to read you want to visit me? Honestly, I’m ok with it being either. Whatever this is–this connection to you–it’s got me feeling things for you I never have felt before.
Holder
35
October 12
Subject: Forks wildlife
Dear Holder,
Ok, I guess I can see where that last sentence could have freaked you out. I was typing quickly because I was nervous. I meant I want you, like want you with me. I mean I want you in the other way too, but you probably already figured that out by now.
Eventually you might like a burger again, or not. It’s hard to know. The situation sucks, I’m not going to pretend otherwise, but you’re alive and still you at heart, and that is what’s most important. I should probably also tell you something else before Annabelle tracks you down and tells you. By drinking my blood you are likely negating your immortality. You won’t live forever without aging. If that sort of thing appeals, well you know what to do. I hope you don’t go that route because that will mean fully accepting your vampire side and losing yourself. I’d hate to imagine a world without you in it. Actually, I refuse to unless you absolutely insist on it.
I dreamed about you again last night. This one was a very different dream. It was a romantic dream. I hope to have another soon. I hope the whole blood thing doesn’t mean that will be impossible to experience in real life. I hope it doesn’t ruin your feelings for me.
Should I plan to drive down again this weekend?
Missing you even more today,
Fern
P.S. If you are worried about the vegetarian blood thing maybe you need to rewatch Twilight.
P.P.S. Did you hear the news about Movie Central closing? Maybe we should buy it.
P.P.P.S. J/K maybe?
36
October 14
Subject: Human Once More
I think you saved my life. Twice. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, Fern, but I'm glad our paths crossed and decided to stick.
It's good to know I won't have to lie in a few years when people realize I'm not aging. Life will be pretty much normal, except for my diet. Thank you. Honestly, Fern, I don't think I could ever thank you enough for what you've done for me.
You've brought me back from the dead. I know I wasn't craving brains and human flesh, but I was craving blood. And to think I didn't have to rescue you or keep you inside some creepy airplane in order for you to see the humanity still inside me.
Potions & Fangs Page 5