Nearly Broken

by Devon Ashley

  I didn’t wait to see which was going to appear on him.

  Making a mad-dash for the bedroom, I roughly slid the doors closed behind me. Backing up, I sat on the edge of the bed, releasing a few silent tears, hating the splotchy spots randomly splashed across my arms, chest and abdomen, even getting part of my left breast. My right forearm got burned the worst. It was the spot I always covered first, to protect its deformity at all costs. That spot reminded me of a topographic world ball, similar to the raised peaks that marked the mountains and ridges, though mine were more subtle. At least I hoped they were, because my mind could sometimes be cruel with its interpretation.

  One year, five months, sixteen days since I singed my lungs, my skin melting before my eyes.

  But what I hated most about my burns was the constant reminder of why I had them. Of what I’d done. Why I’d never feel peace of mind again, always living in fear of retribution.

  A few minutes later I still hadn’t moved, my hand securing the top of my towel, my skin now dry by natural means. At least the tears had stopped. My fingertip pressed down in the center of the worst of my burns, the one at the bottom of my right forearm. I felt nothing. Unlike the lighter burns that simply felt numb when I touched them, this particular area lost all sensitivity, my nerve endings completely obliterated.

  Sometimes I wished a few selective memory cells had disappeared along with it.

  When Nick rapped his knuckles on the frosted windows of the partitions, my eyes diverted from my feet to his blurry silhouette. Could he see me too? Maybe a faint shadow in the distance? For once my body could still be viewed as perfect.

  “Megan,” he began softly, “I have a lot of errands to run so I’ll be gone most of the day. I left my cell number if you need anything. It’s right next to the box of kolaches. The ones on the right have jalapeños, so stick with the ones on the left.”

  I swallowed to soothe my dry throat. And because he’d been nothing but kind since the moment we’d met, I forced an, “Alright,” loud enough to reach him through the barrier. He stepped away then, and soon left the apartment, his car starting and driving away.

  Damn my fucking burns! I never used to be so self-conscious before. But the way I’d been looked at since it happened, only convinced me that the world truly did believe beauty was only skin deep. I didn’t like not trusting people, not thinking better of the strangers I met, not thinking Nick would automatically be better than the previous jerks who gaffed at me, because I truly thought he was.

  I spent a good part of the day cleaning the apartment and doing laundry, trying to busy myself and doping myself with obnoxious fumes so I wouldn’t fall into another bout of self-pity. I even ate the kolaches. They were good, but I was pretty sure Nick could improve on them ten-fold.

  At a quarter to four, I journeyed the short walk to work, continually scanning my surroundings in each direction. The path was just a quick zig-zag of streets right off Main Street. I knew every nook and cranny along this walk, as well as all the locals’ faces, so I was basically on auto-pilot but still attuned to it all. I was never going to let anyone get the jump on me again.

  Honestly, it was a little weird that Nick wasn’t at the diner, even though my four co-workers and I were all we had since I began working there. Paul, who had to work the night shift with me, was already transitioning into the kitchen, picking up the new orders as Juan finished his. The patrons were going to be disappointed if they came in tonight looking to be served the same masterpieces that were served all last week.

  Darla got squeezed out of the rotation, and soon enough, it was just me and Tish working side by side. And the first moment we were alone, Tish lifted her eyes suggestively at me.

  “What?” I dared, the smirk on her face telling me I was going to regret asking that.

  “So how’d you do it?”

  “Do what?” I pulled four glasses from the shelving and began filling table seven’s drink order.

  “Don’t you play dumb with me,” she replied with drama queen attitude. “It’s all over town how Nick’s off the market because a certain cute waitress snagged him up.” Hands to her hips, she added, “And since that cutey ain’t me, I can only assume it’s you.”

  “Please. I haven’t even cast a line, so how could I possibly snag him?” And whether he liked me or not, I was in the air over whether I even wanted that, because I still firmly believed in my rule of no unnecessary relationships. Friendship with a coworker was one thing, but having something more with Nick was just pushing my luck, which had seriously kicked my ass on more than one occasion. But my heart also fluttered when I dared to believe Nick could still want me after seeing my ugly, damaged body.

  “Girl, don’t even. I’ve seen the way you two sneak peeks when you think the other’s not looking.”

  I snapped to attention, my eyes opening wide. Guilty. Damn it, so guilty…but the guy was nice to look at!

  “Yep. That’s right,” she confirmed. She crossed her arms and shifted her weight to her left hip.

  “It’s not like that. We’re just roommates.”

  She gasped dramatically, her hand thrown over her heart. “Shut the fuck up!” she yelled in a hushed tone. The two guys eating at the opposite end of the counter turned their attention our way. “No fucking way you’re shacking up with that honey of a lolly-pop!” Then she went off in a random tangent. “Is he buff under there? He totally looks like he’s got a rockin’ body. Is he good in bed? Oh, he has to be! All those guys that look hot on the outside but aren’t conceited, totally rock in bed. Oh, my God, I can’t believe you get to sleep with that every night! I am so fucking jealous right now.”

  “Down, girl. I’m sure if Nick had any interest in me whatsoever, he would’ve asked me out on a date, not to split the rent.”

  “You’re seriously not riding that?” The surprise in her eyes slowly became greedy. “Hmm… Just a forewarning. If you don’t make your move soon, I’m going in.”

  I huffed and rolled my eyes, but inside, I felt a twinge of worry. Tish was a pretty girl who wasn’t afraid of going after something once she wanted it, so I knew she was completely serious. And I began to wonder. If I was jealous of just the thought of those two together, then maybe I was interested in Nick that way. Oh, crap.

  It was hard pushing through my shift. Paul always spent his free time doing business-related things in his office, so the hours passed with little conversation. I guess I had taken Nick for granted in that aspect. We’d spent most of our nights interacting in some way and it always made the hours fly by.

  By two A.M. I was ready to drop. Following Paul out the back, my jaw slackened and my poor heart quickened. Nick was sitting in his car waiting for me. I can’t believe he came for me. I thought I’d still have a few minutes to prepare myself for whatever was going to happen next, and now, it was already here, smacking me in the face. But a small part of me warmed inside too.

  Paul seemed unaffected by Nick’s arrival and said goodnight as he climbed into his truck, so even he must’ve heard the rumors and assumed we were dating. Funny he didn’t sound off his opinion of Nick like he did with Joe.

  I let myself in and eased into the passenger seat, afraid to look him in those gorgeous green eyes. “Hey,” he murmured.

  “Hey,” I returned. I knew he was looking at me but I just couldn’t brave it in return.

  “How’d your night go?”

  I took a moment to think on it. “Slow.”

  I sensed a smile before he quietly chuckled, starting the engine to drive us home. Only then did I have the courage to look his way.

  “Mine, too,” he said.

  It only took a minute to drive home. When I stepped into our apartment, I breathed in the faint aroma of garlic, but saw nothing but a clean kitchen. “Did you cook?”

  “Yep. Go change and I’ll heat you up a plate.”

  I did like he said and hid myself away to change into my nightwear. I returned to find a pasta dish ready on the counte
r, with olive oil, basil, garlic and diced tomatoes. So simple yet fantastic.

  I focused on my food, afraid to speak while he watched some old movie on TV. When I realized he wasn’t going to bring up what happened earlier, I relaxed and joined him on the sofa for the rest of the movie.

  That was the first night I had the nightmare.

  I was standing in an abandoned crossroad in the middle of the night, nothing but barren wastelands in each direction. I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing there, but something had me so terrified I was literally quivering in my boots, fearful beyond comprehension.

  Nick appeared off to my left, the moon sucking all the color from his skin. He waved frantically, desperately seeking my gaze. He cupped his mouth and yelled, and the wind carried his scream all the way to my ear. “Air!” He pointed towards me, again shouting, “AIR!”

  I looked to the sky but saw nothing more than the moon and the stars, staring down at me with judgment, it seemed. When I looked to my right, I gasped. Mom and Dad! Though white as ghosts, they looked exactly as I remembered, but their faces were filled with so many negative emotions – dread, pain, sorrow, disappointment. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something felt very wrong with them, like something bad was about to happen.

  But what?

  My lead feet still wouldn’t move. Desperate to reach out to them, to touch the very skin I longed to embrace, I extended my arm their way. But my hand was dripping red with blood, the only color in this world of shaded grays. I tried to shake it off, and when I did, my hand burst into a fiery glow.

  I woke up screaming, my hairline drenched with sweat, my hand tingling where it was burning just seconds ago. Nick was on me in seconds, slamming the doors into their hidden pockets with so much force they bounced back at him.

  “What’s wrong?” he burst with panic, his eyes quickly scanning the room he knew would be empty. “You okay?”

  Feeling foolish, I buried my face in my hands. “Yeah, sorry.” I took in a few deep breaths, trying to help my stressed heart slow its quickened rhythmic pace. “Just a bad dream. A really bad dream.”

  He sat beside me and gently stroked my back until I came out of hiding. “You want to tell me about it?”

  Shaking my head with utter humiliation, I quickly blurted, “No.” A moment later, I added, “I’m sorry if I woke you. I’ve haven’t had a nightmare like that in a long time.”

  “It’s alright. I’ve had a few scare the shit out of me through the years. I’m sure you’ll be fine now.”

  But it wasn’t fine. Over the next five nights, I had some version of the same nightmare three more times, and Nick finally convinced me to tell him about it.

  “Sounds like your subconscious is trying hard to tell you something.”

  “Hell if I know what it’s trying to say. I’m too scared to learn anything. I’m suffocated with so much fear that I can’t act on anything anyone is trying to tell me.”

  “Don’t worry,” he said, his hand brushing my hair behind my ear. “You may have to have the dream a few more times, but you’ll figure it out.”

  I shook my head, in annoyance with myself. After everything I’d been through, to have my mind screwing with me now, when I finally felt like I was on the verge of some actual happiness, just really pissed me off.

  Tish wasn’t kidding about the rumors flying around about me and Nick, because they were finally coming directly to me. Three of my regulars had already asked if we were dating and so had two high school chicks I didn’t know, who were probably just fishing to find out if he was really off the market.

  As if he’d go for jailbait.

  I told the truth to my regulars and lied to the jailbait.

  True to her word, Tish also moved in on Nick. She gave me a little more than a week before she started hanging around after her shift, talking his ear off while I worked the tables and he cooked the orders. Ever the kind soul, he didn’t run her off, but some of the looks he flashed through the pass-through were priceless.

  I realized right away I had nothing to worry about when it came to Tish. And just for fun, I kept doing the, “Tish, tell Nick about the time you…” game.

  Oh, if looks could kill.

  “Just for the record,” he stated, now that Tish had gone home for the night, “You will pay dearly for that.”

  The playfully wicked expression he reserved just for my benefit had me laughing for hours. At least until Joe arrived at nine-fifteen. Though he’d dropped his grumpy attitude, he wasn’t as friendly as he used to be, like he was before Nick came to town. And I may not have wanted to date the guy, but I didn’t exactly want to have a negative relationship with him either. So I tried to remain friendly through it all.

  Boy, did that bite me in the ass.

  “So are festivals your thing? Ya’ know we have that annual one coming up tomorrow. Can ya’ come hang out for that or are ya’ otherwise preoccupied?”

  Those last two words were surely directed at Nick, who was casually walking by the pass-through to keep a curious eye on us.

  “Isn’t that the night owl or lightning bug thing?” Hell to the no on anything night-related. That was when my mind played the cruelest tricks.

  “Yeah, the Firefly Festival.”

  “Well, then I’ll probably be working through the whole thing. Sorry.”

  “Can’t ‘cha take the night off?”

  My hand went to my hip as my head tipped sideways at him. “Joe, you come in here like six nights a week. Have I ever not been here for you? You know I don’t have a back-up to cover my shift.”

  He sighed and stretched his arms up, leaving his hands behind his head for a moment.

  “What about Tish?” I asked.

  Furrowing his forehead, he replied, “That waitress chick?”

  I withheld the roll my eyes were itching to make. Wasn’t I a waitress chick?

  I nodded my head encouragingly, hoping to knock out two birds with a single lovestone, but he muttered, “I don’t like blondes.”

  Good Lord. I shook my head and began my retreat. “Well, sounds like you guys will have fun regardless.”

  “What sounds like fun?” Nick asked the moment I stepped into the kitchen. Of course he’d be eavesdropping where Joe was concerned.

  “Oh, nothing. He was trying to get me to go to that Firefly Festival tomorrow night. I was just making friendly conversation.”

  Confused, he repeated, “Firefly Festival? What the hell kind of festival is that?”

  “I don’t know. I remember it from last year but I didn’t go. I think it’s just a family-friendly celebration they do to kick off summer, and they do it at night because the lightning bugs are everywhere. The kids get to spend the evening trying to catch those bugs in glass jars. I think they even give the kid with the most bugs a prize or something.”

  “Is there free food? I’m in. Do you want to go?”

  “Did you forget we’ll be working?”

  He lightly snapped at me from behind with his towel, hitting my jeans. “That doesn’t answer my question.” I just shrugged it off, so he added, “It’d be good for you to get out. All you do is go back and forth to work.”

  “Hey!” I snapped, pointing my finger at him threateningly, as he was winding the towel for another strike. Sarcastically, I said, “Sometimes I go to the grocery store.”

  “Look out! Wild woman approaching.”

  “Shut up,” I replied, letting loose a few laughs. There was hardly any cloth left to wind on the towel, and it now resembled a really thick, twisted rope, so I moved in to grab it, grasping onto his hand in the process. He playfully tugged in every direction but I held on, bringing myself dangerously close as our bodies began to rub. I finally began to understand why people always said they had butterflies in their stomach, because at that moment, something was definitely happening inside me. A playful tickle of sorts was bouncing around in my abdomen like a crazy, messed-up game of ping-pong, and it was both uncomfortable and exciti
ng at the same time.

  My other hand snatched on and I put more effort in my tug, determined to come up the winner, even though he was literally playing with me by not using his full strength. He lifted the towel above his head, and me in the process. I was on my tippy-toes when he suddenly let go, both hands immediately tickling my sides. I let out a quick scream before the laughing took hold of my chest. Twisting, I tried desperately to escape his attack, but he easily wrapped his arms around me, hands continuing the assault with ease. The strength behind my hands was nothing compared to his.

  “Please! Stop.” I blabbered pathetically between screams, laughs and desperate breaths for air. But truthfully, I didn’t want him to stop. Ever.

  I twisted within his grasp again, slamming my stomach into his for protection. He’d let me turn, but the moment I did, he snatched my hands and held them at the base of my spine. The towel lost to the floor, we had nothing but our fingers to fight over as we slowed our bodies to a gentle sway. His arms squeezed against me, limiting my movement as we angled our heads towards one another, wicked grins controlling our lips. Closer than I’d ever been, I found the cologne mixed with the natural scent of his skin intoxicating, and my eyes fluttered like they just had an orgasm. My gaze connected with his, and his playfulness began to soften, as did his grip on my hands.

  My heart chose that moment to pound in my chest. Maybe it had been doing it all along, but now in the calmness, it was making itself known. And the way we were so tightly pressed together, I thought I could feel the vibrating pound-pound-pound of his own heart reaching out to mine. My head tilted down as my hands pulled away from his, my fingertips lightly grazing his arms as they followed them around my body and up to his shoulders. As my hands flattened on his chest, they drifted down, tracing the curved muscles of his pecks and the six-pack abs I saw when he slept shirtless. When his hands flattened against my lower back and pressed my hips firmly into him, my eyes headed north once more.

  The moment our eyes reconnected, it was like a spark ignited, setting off an explosion of fireworks beneath my belly. My breath caught in my throat the second his head began to move towards mine.