Nearly Broken

by Devon Ashley

  Tires squealed in front of the diner, causing my head to automatically whip. I saw a beat-up old white pick-up truck tearing its way up the road.

  Joe was no longer in the corner booth.

  As if that wasn’t enough to spoil the moment, a couple approached the door, also watching Joe tear out like a bat out of hell. As they entered the diner, they got a front row viewing through the pass-through of our bodies pressed together. Our hands fell away about the same time and I took a step back. The couple chose the booth in the middle of the restaurant, continuing to smile and gaze our way more than they should have.

  Guess that’ll add fuel to the rumors.

  Nick surprised me when he said, “I’ll get them. I met them earlier today and suggested they stop in. Why don’t you eat something or get started on the cleaning?”

  “Okay,” I replied softly. “Thanks.” I don’t know if he was looking at me, but I lost all nerve to look at him once I pulled away from what I was sure was going to be our first kiss. As he passed by, his fingers trailed lightly against my lower back until they fell out of reach.

  As he took care of the middle-aged couple, I dipped out of view, just realizing the burn on my right arm had lost its shield. I quickly tugged on my sleeve and patted my scoop neck tee to make sure it hadn’t been pulled down, too. What the hell was I thinking? I was so close to kissing him. Every pore in my body, every freakin’ cell was pushing for me to go just a little further, just a little further… I rubbed my eyebrows extensively. I could not get involved with him. It was bad enough I’d drawn the attention of the entire town, more and more of them falling prey to gossip. They were noticing me now. Nick was making people notice me.

  And that just couldn’t happen. Head down. Stay off the radar. My motto was going to shit right before my eyes.

  It wasn’t easy, but I managed to get through the night without letting Nick get close again. I had to brave eye contact, and force a smile when his gaze caught mine, but I was always quick to divert. Luckily, that middle-aged couple stayed a really long time, and I kept refilling their coffee for a solid hour after their dinner. They were extremely talkative, so it didn’t surprise me that they had engaged Nick in conversation so easily that morning at the coffee shop. I’d never had customers before that basically wanted you to just sit down with them and kick back, asking nonstop questions about the things you liked, books, music, Myrtle Creek. They shared way more than I did, but I hung around because it kept my chicken ass from having to go to the back and face Nick again. My efforts paid off, keeping us from being able to pick up where we left off. And the more time passed since our embrace, the more he realized I was pulling back on the reins.

  He didn’t ask why or try to sweep me into his arms again. Instead, he smiled and lightly teased me verbally about nonsense things, going along with my silent request of pretending like nothing happened. And when we turned in for bed, we simply said goodnight as I closed the dividers between us.

  I didn’t have the nightmare that night. For once I got some rest, but a small part of me, the weak part, wished I had, just so he could’ve come rushing in to hold me.

  No, no…just no. I kept repeating the mantra in my head: I will not kiss Nick. I will not kiss Nick.

  Though I really wanted to. Really, really wanted to know the feel of his lips and have his hands press against my back again, eliminating all space between us. My mind then upgraded that simple kiss to a few make-believe scenarios that were so graphic my body was in constant movement, slowly squirming in a wavelike motion. When a longing moan escaped with my breath, my eyes bolted wide.

  “Shit!” I threw the covers off and rolled out of bed. Hightailing it to the shower, I offered a quick good morning to Nick on the sofa, noting the wicked smile he gave in return. Oh, God. Please tell me that moan wasn’t loud enough for him to hear!

  The hot water worked wonders on my tight muscles, and by the time I dressed and came back out, I was so relaxed I no longer opposed the flirtatious smiles Nick continued to throw my way. But when he turned his back, my eyes began to narrow. This was the first morning since becoming roommates that he decided not to bother with a shirt, strutting around in nothing but a pair of loose-fitted cotton pants, luring my gaze to the sexy sculpture of his upper body.

  I cursed the butterflies flittering inside, and my damn eyes, which couldn’t seem to stop looking.

  God, I hated him. Well, not really, but I hated how efficient he was in making me want him. Ever since he activated those butterflies last night, I just couldn’t shut the damn things off. They were still flitting around, making me antsy and driving me crazy for not kissing him. And despite my best efforts to convince myself to not get involved, I felt my resolve dissipating. I wanted to rewind time so badly, and this time ignore the distractions and stay put in his arms for that kiss.

  I entered the kitchen, where he was already leaning over the counter drinking his coffee and reading the paper. Seriously, what time did he wake up every morning to get all that before I even woke up? I hung my head backwards, just realizing he absolutely was half naked for my benefit, because he would’ve had to put on a shirt to go out. Sucking my lower lip in and out of my mouth, I focused in on the black tribal sleeve tattoo that began halfway up his upper left arm and curled over the edge of his shoulder. I couldn’t see it at the moment, but I knew it covered part of his chest too. “Is that your only tattoo?” I asked. I knew it wasn’t. I had already seen something resembling jagged edges peeking out over the edge of his pants. I’d only asked because a sense of playfulness was overtaking me. And my eyes desired a special treat.

  “No. I also have a sunburst, but I doubt you’d want to see it.”

  Taking the bait, I inquired, “Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”

  He twisted his torso towards me and took the longest sip of coffee ever. Fighting the extension of his already curving lips, he replied smoothly, “Because it’s some place you’re too shy to look.”

  I crossed my arms and matched his magnetic smile with my own. “Funny how you’re more worried about my viewing it than you having to show it – if it’s in a private area.”

  His forehead creased when his brow bones lifted. “Is that your way of asking to look down my pants?”

  “Is that where it is?”

  “You know that’s where it is,” he accused coolly. “I saw you looking there already.”

  I had to look away, because my smile was embarrassingly wide, and surely my cheeks were flushing as brightly as a stop sign. “Guilty,” I admitted, “But I was curious if there were any more than that.”

  “Just the two.” Finishing his coffee, he placed his cup down. He leaned back against the counter, elbows high so his hands could clamp the edge. “And you? Any tattoos you’d like to share?”

  Huffing dramatically, I snarked, “Do I look like the kind of girl that would do that?”

  “Honestly?” I cocked my eyes, challenging him to finish. “You look like the kind of girl that wants at least one tattoo, but is too shy to show it, so you put it somewhere under those lacey undergarments of yours.”

  Well, shit. All except the lace part. Nowadays I didn’t feel that sexy in my skin, so I didn’t bother with the lace.

  “Am I right?” he interrogated, those vibrant green eyes trying to drill mine for answers.

  “Maybe.”

  Lightly laughing, he teased, “Let me guess. It’s something simple and cute. Cartoon character? Favorite flower?”

  Oops. I sucked in my cheek so hard, it was obvious I was trying to deter my smile.

  “Flower! I knew it.”

  “Blue Hydrangeas,” I admitted. It was crazy how accurate he was. Was I really that much of a statistic?

  “And it’s somewhere beneath those panties of yours, isn’t it? Maybe right around the hip bone?”

  Damn. Dead right again. “Is that bad?”

  “No, not at all,” he practically cooed. “It’s actually an incredibly sexy place to put one. Most men can
’t get enough of the hips.”

  Our conversation stalled, and the only voices came from whatever show he had on the TV. He continued to stare me down with flirtatious looks, knowing he’d break me down eventually.

  “You’re not waiting for me to show you, are you?” I asked impishly.

  “Why? Do you want to show me?”

  My lips pressing together, I shook my head at his new tactic. “Don’t twist my words around like that.”

  “So you don’t want to show me your panties then?”

  “Again with the twisting,” I accused.

  “Alright, alright. Don’t get your panties all in a twist.”

  “Ha, ha. Lovely, Nick. Shouldn’t you be taking your ritual shower right about now, or something?”

  “So now you just want to get me naked. And exactly how much attention have you been paying to me to know what my daily rituals are?”

  My hands fisted at my sides. Apparently, I wasn’t going to win the battle of the wits this morning. Maybe there was something to coffee after all. My hand motioned in front of my lips, signaling that I was locking my mouth and throwing away the key. I was so not going to let him bait me all morning.

  I waved bye now with my hand and retreated to my bedroom. Before I could close the partition, he asked, “Just out of curiosity, how long do you think you can hold out until you give in? I’d just like a time frame.”

  “Give in to what?” I dared to ask.

  My heart fired up like a souped-up race car watching him make his way over, pausing just inches away, hands grasping the edges of the doors I was just shy of closing. God, it was a sexy sight to behold.

  “You wanted it as much as I did,” he declared boldly. “Still do.”

  The kiss. I’d never admit to it, but I had ached for it every second since our bodies separated, even though my mind constantly tried to convince me otherwise. I just wished the two would agree already, but my mind would never allow me to forget that I’d never be safe. Never. I could be gone at a moment’s notice. But still, it was only human to want him for my very own.

  “I should warn you,” I taunted. “I’m quite stubborn, so I can hold out like no other.”

  His chest quietly vibrated with rumbles, the amusement on his face silently telling me he was accepting the challenge to break me down. I gave into my desires partially, and allowed my hand to trace the black ink on his shoulder. When he was completely enthralled by my touch, watching my finger swirl against his skin, I quickly and very playfully, shoved against both shoulders to remove him from my door frame. He took the hint and fell back, giving me the most delicious of grins as I closed him off.

  Oh, shit I’m in trouble.

  I was trying hard to fight the feelings that I had for Nick. In the beginning, it was easy enough to brush off the smiles and teasing innuendos, but now it seemed my feelings were growing exponentially, so out of control I couldn’t keep myself from giving in to his playfulness. I was on the edge of the cliff, ready to take that death-defying leap, but the damn sections of my brain that controlled fear and memory, kept me tethered to the rock bed. Because while the rest of my brain was overwhelmed with love and attraction, these particular areas supplied me with a continuous loop of haunting images, trying desperately to remind me of the horrors I was running from. And what could possibly be my fate again, should I start doing stupid things that knock me off my planned course of action.

  Head down. Stay off the radar.

  But there was always that tiny little voice roaming free through my thoughts. What if I’m running from something that’s not even chasing? Was I really going to squander my opportunity with Nick for nothing? What if the only remaining threat from my past was the fear that ate away at me from the inside out?

  I was so confused. I’d been running and hiding for so long it was all I knew how to do.

  I could only hide for so long. Eventually, I had to jump into Nick’s car and head to work. He didn’t play with me for the two minutes it took to get to work, but once we were the only worker’s left, I was fair game. Deciding to let things play out however they were going to happen, I let him tease me, enjoying every minute of it.

  Any time I had to go to the back, he found a reason to brush his body against mine. I tried not to close my eyes; tried not to think about how well my body molded into his when he leaned into me from behind to reach for a pot hanging in front of me. And though he found it necessary to pull it down from its rack the moment I stepped up, I never actually saw him use it. That went on for hours, and shamefully, I made way more trips to the back than was necessary.

  My mood remained jubilant and playful until seven-forty-five, when Joe began to test the cap on my annoyance meter. Unfortunately, the shop he worked for closed up early and he’d been hanging out at the diner for almost an hour already.

  “Megan! Another one!” he spat, holding his bottle up in the air before slamming it down on the table with a crack.

  I sighed and ripped his ticket from my tablet, heading to his booth without fulfilling his request. “This is not a bar, Joe. The festival’s already started and it’s kid-friendly. So, no. I won’t get you another beer so you can go stumbling down the street all drunk and scaring the kids. We’re closing in a few minutes anyway.”

  “So you’re going to the festival then after all, aren’t ‘cha?” he said in an accusatory tone.

  Oh, yeah. I’d have to thank Nick for creating this special conversation with Joe. When we came into work tonight, he had smooth-talked Paul into letting us close early tonight, explaining that no one was going to come pay to eat here when they could go eat for free at the festival. So not only did we have the night off, I was now going to the festival with Nick, Paul and Darla. And Tish, of course, who caught wind of our plans before her shift ended and made sure she got invited to join as well.

  “Yes, Joe. The people I work with convinced me to go with them.”

  Rolling his eyes, he slurred, “Please. You mean him.”

  “Yes, Nick is going too, but I’m not going with him. There’s no us between me and Nick,” I lied, because even the most self-absorbed teenager could notice the flirtatious tension between us. “Just like there’ll never be an us between you and me. Everyone needs to stop it with these damn rumors already.”

  I turned to leave, but Joe snatched my right arm, just above the wrist. “Joe, let go,” I said calmly but firmly, hoping his drunk-ass would comply once my words penetrated the drunken haze around his brain. My eyes were fixed hard on the edge of my sleeve, my heart jumping when I saw a flash of red squeeze out.

  “I promise I could make you real happy, Megan. If you’d just give me the chance. I swear I’m better than I’ve been coming off.”

  The stench of his breath nauseated me, triggering a memory I tried my damndest to push back down. I tugged my arm, his grip tightening more as his other hand reached over to aid the fight. I could feel him squeeze all the way to the bone, and I yelped and yelled, “Let go of me!” I pulled using my full body weight, and his hand slid up my arm as he yanked me closer, my sleeve exposing the worst of my burns.

  His eyes immediately caught the color clash, his face souring into a look of revulsion. “Gross! What the fuck is that?” He released me, his hands in the air, fingers spread wide like he contaminated himself just by touching me.

  He didn’t get to verbalize the rest of his disgust, as Nick burst in from the kitchen, yelling for him to get the hell out before he beat the shit out of him. Even drunk, Joe knew to hightail his ass out as fast as possible, and once he stumbled out the door, he was gone from sight in less than five seconds.

  My hand was already cupped over my mouth, my eyes widened in a desperate attempt to fight the sting infused into my eyes. I had already pulled my sleeve back down but I still felt exposed, so I bolted for the safety of the hallway that led to the bathrooms.

  “Megan!” Nick called behind me, rushing to catch me in case I aimed to lock myself away in the bathroom. He gave
me a tight squeeze just as the tears rushed out. “Don’t,” he soothed. “Don’t let what that jerk said get to you.” His hands moved to rub my arms up and down. I cringed, feeling every bump in my skin against his palms, fearing he’d feel it too. And when my sleeve pulled up on one of his passings, I reached down to fight the rise, which only seemed to set him off. Out of nowhere, he shoved both sleeves up to my elbows and snagged my biceps in such a way I couldn’t break free, forcing me to leave that disgusting skin visible for him. “Why do you hide this from me?” he asked harshly, just shy of yelling at me.

  Why? Wasn’t it obvious? The tears broke free of their corner ducts, despite my best effort to contain them. “Because it’s disgusting! Just like Joe said!” I hated that he held me that way, hated that he wouldn’t let me lower my sleeves to cover the patchwork of abstract bumps and unnatural color patterns. With a cracking, shaking voice, I cried, “I’m ugly.”

  “Ugly?” His grip on me lightened, but he still held me firmly in place. “Megan, you can tie your hair back, cover yourself head to toe with clothes that are too big and avoid wearing any type of makeup. But people are still going to notice you. Men are still going to want you. You’re the fucking opposite of ugly. Everything about you is beautiful.”

  “Not everything,” I whispered. I’m ugly inside, too. No kind, decent person is capable of doing the things I’ve done.

  I swung the metal within my shaking grasp and his head whipped to the side, blood splattering against the beige linens, his body falling unnaturally to the floor.

  Fire billowed on the ceiling, reaching down, down, down…

  Nick’s eyes darkened when they narrowed at me, seemingly pissed as I began to weaken in his arms. I tried to pull away, craving nothing more than to cover the nasty burns before my eyes and the horrible memories they always triggered.

  Leading with my rear, I went limp, hoping he’d just drop me and let me be. In one swift motion, he released me, only to thrust his biceps beneath my arms, lifting until our shoulders met and slamming me against the wall, mashing his body into mine. I barely had time to gasp before his lips shoved against mine. His kisses were hungry and rough, almost desperate, and tasted of salt as my tears came between us.