September Ends

by Jones, Hunter S.

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  Blog 10 for PoetsCafe.org

  Aug 24

  A MAN UNLOCKED

  .

  You write, you sleep, you eat, you write; mostly nothing. Then something happens. You become a receptor. I tweet you not, this verse fell fully formed into me. I just wrote it down as fast as I could. It swept away all the conceits and made life sweet. When I received this verse, I became happiness - a happiness which burst from my present to bathe my past, my future, my heart, soul, mind, body, in a flash of primal beauty.

  .

  THE UNLOCKING

  .

  Life is a pris'ner penned in flesh

  At first it glows, but then it rots.

  Some say there's no such thing as soul

  But I say this: there's nothing else

  Beyond your disembodiment

  You are a what? a primacy

  A metaphysicality

  A thing beyond your failsure flesh

  You are in this … made beautiful

  Beyond the need of Life's mad greed

  To be made more than what you are

  A soul beyond the knowable

  Made one with nothings infinite

  A soul made free in consequence

  by Jack O Savage

  .

  For the record: rumours of myself and a certain former collaborator meeting in Trieste are untrue. I was in Cornwall all last week and R. J. Askew was at a writers' event in Sydney. I do have a confession, though. I lied about not writing. The above lines are new. I wrote them in my barn with my Jacobs all about me.

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  It’s such a beautiful day today. I can’t believe Pete hasn’t called yet. He usually calls before lunch. It’s 2:00 in the afternoon. Wonder if he’s okay? My confident spirit of yesterday is adrift on a sea of insecurity.

  With that, I call his cell phone and the call immediately goes into his voicemail. This is so unlike him. For some reason, I have a really strange vibe from him today. He freaked me out so badly last month when he didn’t call me for two weeks. No emails, no texts, no calls. And that strange dream last night didn't help. Hawks just don't fly at night like that.

  I remember those weeks because it was such hot, dry spell in August. One day, I dropped the top on my Mercedes and hit the back roads between Atlanta and Dalton. The drive followed an unexpected thunderstorm. The trees were so green, so lush, the subtropical fullness of nature was like a balm on my lovesick soul. I remember coming back home that night. Still no communication from Pete. I put up my copy of Love’s Philosophy back on the bookshelf. Actually, I hid it from myself for a while. Stupid love, stupid me for believing in stupid romance. If only Charles were still alive to look after me. Pete returned a few days later. We connected online then and messaged for hours. We make each other laugh. We have fun whether online, on the telephone, or those rare moments when we have had the opportunity to spend together.

  It makes my heart beat faster, thinking about being with him. We play, we talk. Pete loves to comb my hair and simply talk when we are alone and not making love. We have a sweet pure form of passion that overshadows the rest of our lives. When we are together, we become each other’s world. The way he explained why he left me alone for all those weeks was simple.

  “It’s a guy thing,” he said. “We always pull back when we start getting to close to someone.” He assured me then that he wouldn’t act that way again. His mind and heart were with me. He loves me.

  Now, it’s been three days and no communication from him at all. I’m not certain how to cope with this. What if something is wrong with him? What if something had happened to one of his children?

  I’ll call the office, to make sure nothing has happened to him. This is really a change from what he promised me a few weeks ago. But first, I need to run this doubt out of me. I’ll call him. But I’ll wait until tomorrow when I’m back in the office.

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  “Hendrix, Hendrix & Smith, how may I direct your call, please?” The receptionist had such a pleasant voice. She was an excellent choice for the front desk at the firm.

  “Hi, Emma, it’s Liz. Liz Snow. How are you? Is Pete in today?”

  “Oh, hi, Liz, how are you? Listen, girl, that software system you installed for us is the best. You won’t believe how much easier it’s made communication between our offices. I am so glad you found us. And, how cute is that tech guy you sent up here to do the install? Is he married?”

  We both laughed at that. “No, Emma, Johnny isn’t married. I’ll let him know he has a fan club in Chattanooga. He will love that! Listen, I need to speak to Pete. Can you connect me please?”

  “Oh, Mr. Hendrix is in depositions all day, Liz. If you’re like most salespeople, you are checking back with us so that you can get paid. Let me connect you to Mrs. Hendrix; she handles the firm’s accounts payable and she’s in the office right now. You’re in luck. Hold on, and I’ll connect you.”

  Mrs. Hendrix? It must be Pete’s mom.

  With that, a soft, feminine voice answered the phone. “Hello, this is Leanne Hendrix. How may I help you, Ms. Snow?” She sounded even younger than I was. Maybe she was Pete’s sister, although I thought he had said he was an only child.

  “Hi, Leanne. Yes, this is Liz Snow. I handle your firm’s account with Global Software. How are you? I’m looking for Pete. He was going to call today, and I haven’t heard from him.”

  “Hi, Liz, it is so nice to speak with you. The girls in the office speak so highly of you, as does Pete. I am surprised at how very easy your system is.” Why did she sound so hostile?

  “Everyone seems to be very happy with what you have done for the firm. Everyone but me. I’m not that familiar with what you’ve done yet, but I’m learning. I’m learning more every day. Now, tell me, Liz, what do you want today? What do you want with my husband? Why are you calling?”

  The walls swayed around me as I digested her words. My husband. I’m learning more every day. Oh dear God. Pete is married and I am his piece on the side. Why had I not seen this? Had I really been so blind? I believe I’m going to pass out. Why had he lied to me? I loved him. Why did he deceive me? And, why did he go to such lengths to do this to me? He said he loved me! Now, now. It all began to make sense. The puzzle pieces fell into place as my life slowly began, yet again, to unravel before me. I had to get myself together. Cold sweat beaded on my forehead and on my back as nausea came in waves into my throat. My mind gripped the words. He IS married. Pete IS married. My mind would not let them go as my heart broke into a thousand tiny fragments.

  “I ummm, thank you, Leanne.” I stumbled verbally, grasping for something. Anything. “So glad everyone finds our software so user friendly. Uhhh.” My fingers tapped on the desk, finding an ink pen to twirl. “What about the initial payment?” There. Emma had mentioned that. Now I could begin to steady myself until the call was finished.

  “Yes, Liz. I approved the payment for Global earlier today. You’ll get paid.” Leanne’s voice lowered to a whisper as she continued. “Listen, you little whore. If you ever come back to Chattanooga, I will find a way to get you arrested. Stay in Atlanta and leave my husband alone. Don’t ever call him or the office again. You got that, Liz? I know everything I need to know. Everything. Now, leave my family alone. And, I repeat, do not ever call Pete or the office again.”

  With that statement, the telephone line clicked and she was gone. It was over. It was over. Just like that. The love of my life was gone with the click of a telephone line. How could I ever have been so blind? I wasn’t naïve. Why had I fallen for him so easily, too easily? Why would he do this? What was wrong with me? Pete, his wife, his family. What had I done?

  I hung up the telephone. Then, I heard one of the guys in the office yell, “Liz!” The room melted in slow motion around me. The furniture appeared to move. Everything was out of space and time. The hands on the clock were out of place. It was a
ll out of sync. My world dissolved. People moved and spoke in muted tones. There was no more focus; just the abyss that opened, gaping before me.

  When I woke up, I was in the Emergency Room. I had hit the edge of the desk as I passed out. The injury required four stitches to my forehead.

  But, what about my heart? How many stitches would it take to put that back together?

  Chapter 9

  South Bound

  Looking in the rear view mirror as I drove through the night on my way to Atlanta, I caught my own reflection for just a split second. Was that really me? Had Peter Hendrix III come to this? Where had I gone so very wrong? What had happened to bring everything in my life crashing down? All in one day? Today? Thinking back as I drove, I attempted to analyze the day’s events.

  Dammit. Leanne would tell Liz. She had probably called her by now. What was I going to do? How did Leanne find out? I really didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I loved my family. They were the most important thing in my life. They meant everything to me. But Liz? I loved Liz more than I had ever loved another person. She was my heart’s desire. My twin flame. I should’ve told her. I meant to tell her, but the entire thing—no, this was not an affair, it was a lifetime of moments all lived in a short amount of time and space. Time and space really had no meaning when it came to Liz. There was only her.

  If only I would’ve made love to Leanne that morning, none of this would ever have happened. I remember it so vividly. I was looking in the mirror, wondering what was wrong with the world, but thinking of everything that was right. Liz. Getting to Atlanta, making love to her again. But, then the day’s reality set in and I thought about the case the firm was currently working on. Next, I started thinking about getting the kids to school.

  I remember it all so clearly. Leanne walked up, placed her arms around me, and drew me close as she placed her head on my chest.

  “Pete, let’s make love. The kids are still asleep upstairs. We have over an hour before we have to leave here.” She nuzzled my neck and kissed it softly.

  I kissed her quickly, a swift peck on the lips. “Not this morning, Leanne. There’s a lot on my mind. I’m going for a run.”

  Why did I do that?

  “Pete, you haven’t made love to me in almost a year. What is going on with you? Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with us?”

  “Leanne, please don’t. Just don’t. I’m under so much pressure right now. I’m not sure you understand.”

  “Understand?” she screamed. “What do you mean, ‘understand’? I’m your wife, the mother of your children and YOU treat me like I’m your maid. I think I understand you if anybody does.”

  “We can’t have a conversation if you’re going to get hormonal.” I dressed to go for my run.

  Why did I say that?

  “HORMONAL? Is that what you think? I try to have a conversation with you, to make love to you, and your response is I’m hormonal? Why don’t you just run to that fricking cabin of yours and plan on staying there a while?”

  “Leanne, don’t. Please don’t say hurtful things.”

  “GET OUT! I’ll get the kids to school. Just get out, Pete. GO! I have never been so insulted in my life. Why don’t you find me attractive anymore? I don’t understand. I’m as small as I was when we married. I keep myself in shape. I stay active at the Club and at Church. Why don’t you want me?”

  That was when she began to cry. Sobs, then almost heaves of emotion spewed from her tiny frame.

  “Leanne, it’s not you. You’re beautiful. It’s me. It’s all me. I’m going through some kinda crisis right now. Sweetheart, I think I may be impotent.”

  Why did I say that? Why did I lie to her?

  “Oh, God, Pete, just get out. Go for your run. Don’t let me get in your way. Go do what you want to do. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”

  “Leanne, please don’t say hurtful things. You’ll regret them.”

  “GET OUT OF HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH. GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

  I had never seen Leanne so hostile. She had a fiery temper, but I had really pushed her over the edge. What a day this started out to be. With that outburst, I left our bedroom and went out the back door to start my three-mile run. I planned on going to the cabin for a quick swim, too. With the tempest at home, I decided just to have a fast run around the neighborhood. The birds were welcoming a new day with their ever-present sweet sounds attempting to drown out any human noises. Sunrise and sunset were always my favorite times of the day, even when I was a kid. Today was one of those sleepy Southern mornings. No humidity yet and not a cloud in the sky. The heat wasn’t too bad. September would never be as hot as August was.

  Liz. Beautiful, sweet Liz. I wondered how her day was starting in Atlanta. I had been so busy with depositions this week, I hadn’t had a chance to call or get online to connect with her. With any luck at all, maybe I could get away tonight and drive down. I could do with a few days spent with Liz. Those long legs. The way we played. I loved the way she would sit between my legs and let me comb her long hair. It was just about the only time I could get her to be still, to be silent, and feel the connection we had. She loved having her hair combed. Then I would kiss her neck. Yeah, I needed to see her and see her very soon.

  Leanne was so angry, I thought she might ask me to leave for a few days. I really needed to figure out what I was doing before anyone got hurt. I was so torn and unbalanced.

  I needed to make a decision.

  With that thought, I reached for my phone. It wasn’t hooked onto my running shorts. Oh, well, I would call Liz later. I would call her when I got back to the house and got my phone.

  I returned from my run hot, sweaty, and still confused. As I opened the side door to enter our garage, I noticed that the SUV was gone. Leanne had kept her word and left to get the kids to school. She really was a wonderful wife and mother. I couldn’t have chosen a better partner.

  That was when I saw the note on the counter with my phone placed on top of it. I reached for a glass to get a drink of water and saw the word LIZ written on the note. Looking down, I saw the note that no one ever wants to see. It was written in my son’s handwriting

  DADDY WHO IS LIZ?

  Then, written underneath, were the words from Leanne that broke my heart.

  Your son wrote this note, not me. He was playing with your phone while you were out. You are hurting me & now you have hurt our son. Don’t come home tonight, Pete. As a matter of fact, don’t plan on ever coming home—at least until I say so.

  Leanne

  My eight-year-old son, Theo, had found the pictures of Liz on my damn phone. Why did I forget it this morning? I always take my phone, always. Did I somehow want Leanne to find out? Did my subconscious mind wish to make my secret known so that I could leave Leanne and make it work with Liz?

  Looking back, if I could have met Liz somehow, some way, when she was in school at Vandy, my life would have been so different. I would’ve married her right away. Liz was my dream girl. She was all I had ever imagined in a woman.

  Leanne was the type of woman that my family expected me to marry. A good girl from a good family. She was involved in the right groups, clubs, and society. A girl who went to church. Leanne was the kind of girl my mother wanted for me. She was beautiful, smart, charming, and from one of the best families in Nashville, but she was totally outclassed by a country girl named Liz Snow. Elizabeth October Snow. I didn’t know if I could really live without Liz, but I didn’t know what I would do without my family, either.

  Now, look what I’d done. My son was scarred by pictures he had seen on my phone. How would I explain Liz to him? What about my daughter? Leanne was so spiteful, she would tell Margaret. She would tell our six-year-old daughter that her daddy had a girlfriend. Just to get Margaret on her side of the argument. I knew Leanne. She would turn our children against me. Margaret Anne Hendrix. Named after my mom. My precious little blue-eyed girl.

  My children would hate me. I had turne
d out just like my dad. Dear God, I was probably worse because Dad didn’t care who he hurt. Selfish bastard.

  But, I did the same thing he had done, only I was worse because I openly deceived everyone. I lied to my wife, my children, my friends, and Liz. I lied to myself. Why did I do this? What was wrong with me? Why didn’t I man up and let Leanne know I needed some time away? Maybe get a place on the Southside. Get some time to think. Have the kids eased into this gradually. Having kids had drained all my energy. Maybe if only I had taken some time away. Spent some time at the cabin. Eased into this. Now it was beginning to feel like a wildfire. Leanne would let everyone know what I’d done. Liz and I had always believed our love had been like a ring of fire and it was beginning to feel like one.

  Dear God. Leanne would probably call Liz many times. She was that vengeful. I needed a drink. I’d have some orange juice and add a little vodka to it, just to steady my nerves until I could decide what to do about this.

  The office. What would Leanne stir up at the office? I was always careful not to be there when Liz came in. Maybe one time I was there. Otherwise, I tried to stay away and meet her somewhere afterwards. I was always so afraid other people could see how I felt about her. I was afraid I would want to make love to her in my office. I couldn’t resist her. God, I swear I was addicted to her. I needed to call the office.

  As I picked up the cell phone to call, the cabinet door slammed shut. Its sudden noise paralleled with the jarring ring of the office phone ringing through my cell phone. A mockingbird startled me as he began his nonstop prattling song. Ratta-tat-tat. Ratta-tat-tat. God, even the bird was making fun of me.

  Emma’s familiar voice answered the firm’s phone. “Hendrix, Hendrix, & Smith, good morning. How can I assist you?”