Yours Troolie, Alice Toolie

by Kate Temple

  3. I was in the TV commercial for Exploding Fruit Floss for more than two seconds!

  And when I catch this ghost, I will also be famous for that. Besides, I already know HEAPS about ghosts. I bet you didn’t know this:

  1. Ghosts are freezing cold.

  2. Ghosts’ favourite food is salty ham sticks.

  3. Ghosts are scared of the dark.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  That’s a pretty good list. But you did forget to mention:

  1. Ghosts cheat at board games.

  2. Ghosts can go without drinking for a whole year (but that might be camels).

  3. Ghosts can run faster than leopards.

  Anyway, I went and had a look for this so-called ghost at lunchtime with Casper N. Casper N is pretty great when it comes to spotting unusual things, which is why I usually take him on my expeditions. One time, he even spotted an invisible and highly venomous ant crawling on my leg and basically saved my life.

  Well, I’m sure glad we did go and check it out, because there was nothing there. NO GHOST. I think you made it up. It did smell pretty bad, but it always does.

  Yours responsibly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Did you go to the girls’ toilets or the boys’ toilets?

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m a boy. So naturally, I went to the BOYS’ toilets.

  Yours boyishly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Oh, you’re a boy! I thought you were a duck. Well, anyway, that’s why you didn’t see the ghost! It’s not in the boys’ toilets. It’s a girl ghost! Actually, I’m pretty sure that ghosts are always girls, because even though they’re dead and stuff, they still have good fashion. Have you ever noticed that? Like really pretty, long, flowing dresses. I’ve literally never seen a boy ghost wearing sneakers and some T-shirt with a picture of a lizard boxing a giant spider or whatever it is that boys wear.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  The girls’ toilets!!!!! Okay, I’m a fearless explorer, so I’d pretty much go anywhere to make a great discovery, even inside a volcano that was full of lava sharks, or to a planet that had no air only poisonous gas … but there is one place I will never EVER go, and that’s … the girls’ toilets. NO WAY.

  Yours definitely

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  P.S. Quack.

  Dear Jimmy,

  Well then I guess you’ll never get to see the ghost :(

  And I’ll be the one who catches it and gets famous :)

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I know I just said I wouldn’t go in the girls’ toilets (which is totally true), but today Casper N and I were walking past the Level 2 toilets and we felt this very ghostly feeling. That’s when we heard the singing coming from the girls’ toilets. There was no way we were going in, so we decided to do a stakeout (a stakeout is when a detective just waits around, eating doughnuts, to see if anything happens). Anyway, that’s what we did, but we didn’t have any doughnuts, just these biscuits that Casper N had made with his mum that tasted a lot like chalk and I really hope they weren’t actually chalk. We waited and waited and waited until it was the end of lunch, but no-one came out but the singing kept going.

  DOUBLE SPOOKY.

  Then Jenny Philpot came along and she said she’d check if there was someone in there, but when she came out she was all spooked because there was no-one there! She said one of the cubicles was shut, so she looked to see if there were any legs, BUT THERE WERE NO LEGS. The toilet was empty but the singing was still going! So Jenny said she’s never going in those haunted toilets again and she’s going to have to use the preschool toilets now. I told her that’s a very bad idea, because they have those teeny tiny toilets and you can actually get stuck in one. This is actually true in real life, because it’s exactly what happened to this 5th Grade kid called Melvin Carbuncle one time. Melvin’s bottom got so stuck that they couldn’t get him out, so they had to take the whole toilet out and he was walking around for ages with a tiny toilet stuck to him. In the end they had to break the toilet off using a little hammer and no-one ever saw that kid again after that.

  Yours gravely

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  I heard about that kid too! That’s why I never use the preschool toilets and no-one else should either!

  So back to the ghost, my friend Ava Tonkatsu said the exact same thing about the singing! She said the ghost was actually singing that song from Annie. You know the one that goes ‘bet your bottom dollar da da da’ and all that? It’s great, but a bit spooky when a ghost sings it!

  Anyway, right after Ava heard the singing ghost, Ava’s tooth fell out! You know that tooth she’s always wiggling with her tongue but it never comes out? Well, it just fell out! So that’s totally proof. She was totally freaked out about the ghost but also pretty happy about her tooth falling out (because she’s saving up for this Talking Jumping Putty, which sounds amazing!). Apparently the tooth fairy gave her a ten-dollar note last time she lost a tooth :)

  Also, I did not tell her your ridiculous story about the tooth fairy being some grumpy little man.

  Anyway, all the girls (except me) are totally scared now and won’t even go in the Level 2 toilets anymore :O

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Firstly, I do know that song from Annie. I saw it on Notflix one time, so now I happen to be quite a big fan of musicals about orphans.

  I know we don’t actually get along very well, but I’m pretty sure we need to do something about this ghost, because things can get pretty bad when it comes to zombies and ghosts and that sort of stuff. I should know, because one time our fridge got haunted. The inside light was always flashing and everything you put in the fridge suddenly smelled like sardines. It was really bad, because it happened at Easter, so all the chocolate eggs started smelling like fish, the apples smelled like fish and even the fish was smelling like fish! My mum said it was just an old can of Meowy Chowy and a broken light bulb, but that seems very unlikely.

  So anyway, we really don’t want a ghost causing that sort of trouble at school. And since I can’t (and won’t) go into the girls’ toilet, we might have to team up, just this once.

  Yours reliably,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  P.S. I’ve noticed you use a lot of emojis:

  Happy Face : )

  Sad Face : (

  Scared Face : o

  Winking Face ; )

  I have invented a new one and you can use it if you like. It is called Sad Moustache Man :{

  I expect it will be very popular. But if you do use it, you need to pay me $1 every time, because I invented it.

  Dear Jimmy,

  I don’t think I will use your moustache man emoji, because, let me think… oh yeah… it’s not good.

  I’m going to have to think about us teaming up. I’m definitely not sure it’s a good idea. Anyway, I don’t have time right now, because I have my pottery class soon and I’m making a mermaid. Then I have tap-dancing, and after that I have to go home and make a short movie about my eggcup schngrooodle-itzu wearing hats for my Youtootube channel.

  Good morning Alice,

  You owe me $13 from yesterday. Please don’t use the moustache man emoji unless you can pay for it. You could get into a lot of debt if you keep this up. My mum says that people today buy things they can’t afford with money they don’t have. It sounds like you might be like that too.

  By the way, you look kind of sad today.

  Yours unfailingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Today is not a great day :( Firstly, the clay mermaid I finish
ed yesterday looks more like a walrus. I tried to make it look better by using more sparkles (more sparkles usually fixes everything) and even gluing some of my dog’s hair onto it, but that only made it look more like a walrus :(

  Secondly, I’m sad because that toilet ghost is still singing the song from Annie and practically NO girls will go in there now. I’ve asked literally everyone if they’ll help me get it out, but everyone’s too scared, except me! So I guess you’re right and we’ll have to team up :(

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Look, no-one is more upset about the idea of us working together than me. Here’s two sad moustache men emojis to prove it :{ :{

  Do you even know how to catch a ghost? I think we might need a giant magnet? Or maybe a box with holes in it?

  Yours schemingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Of course I know how to catch a ghost, and it doesn’t involve a magnet! If you want to catch a ghost, you just need a jar, everyone knows that. You open the jar and then quickly put the lid on to trap it. It’s very simple really. I don’t know where we’ll get a jar from though…

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I’ve actually got a jar! My dad made my lunch today, which is usually a bad thing because he puts weird stuff in like a whole raw zucchini or a plastic frog.

  Anyway, today he put a jar of porridge in there. I was pretty unhappy about it when I first saw it, because porridge is not something anyone wants to find in their lunchbox. But sounds like it’s a good thing today!

  See you soon, WITH THE JAR!

  Yours superbly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Well, that didn’t work! The ghost just kept on singing and didn’t get in the jar at all! It totally ignored the jar, which is kind of rude, actually. Also, it wasn’t very helpful that you just ran away as soon as you heard the singing! I thought you said you were brave :(

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I wasn’t scared! I actually thought I saw a ninja trying to break into one of the other classrooms. I was just going to fight him off and then come straight back. Anyway, it’s fine. It turned out to just be a pelican or something.

  Yours protectively,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Well, I didn’t see any ninjas or pelicans, so it sounds like a lie to me. I think you were just scared of the ghost. Don’t feel bad—pretty much everyone is scared except me :) Not everyone can be as brave as me! :) :) :)

  One of the cubicles was shut, but I didn’t look under the door because that’s RUDE. Even ghosts deserve privacy.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I am extremely brave. One time, I had to actually wrestle a dinosaur that was going to attack my baby sister.

  Okay, it wasn’t like a real dinosaur, more like one of those guys in a suit at a shopping centre, but he was VERY convincing. If it wasn’t for me, my baby sister would have basically been dinosaur food.

  I’m sorry to say this, but the real problem is that you don’t know how to catch a ghost. You can’t just open a jar and expect it to go in. Firstly, you need to tell it to get into the jar and be way more bossy (which you should be VERY good at). Also, we need something to attract the ghost into the jar, like how moths are attracted to lights.

  Yours inventively,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Just so you know, I am a Junior Fire Chief, so I hope you are NOT suggesting anything to do with fire. That would be TOTALLY illegal and I would have to report you to the police and then you’d get thrown in jail until you were about 100 :(

  But I do think you could be right about attracting the ghost. But NOT with fire!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Of course not fire! You’re not the only Junior Fire Chief, you know. I’ve been a Junior Fire Chief since I was a kid. No-one takes fire safety more seriously than ME. My favourite part of school is when we have fire drills. I actually think we should have them every day. I do STOP, DROP and ROLL most mornings after my breakfast, just for practice. You really can’t be too careful.

  I’ve heard that the music teachers are to blame for setting off the fire alarms. Apparently they’re always burning fruit toast, so it’s just a matter of time before there’s a serious incident.

  No, we need something else to be ghost bait. I’ll find something tonight.

  Yours strikingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Did you find some ghost bait at home?

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  ‘Did I find ghost bait?’ I hear you ask. Well, yes I did, and thanks for asking.

  At first, I thought maybe we could use lollies, but it turned out our sweetie jar was totally empty because apparently my dad sat up all night watching some boring French bicycle race on TV and totally cleared out the jar. I was pretty annoyed about that, because all the stuff in the sweetie jar is actually mine from last Halloween. But try telling my dad that. Anyway, then I had a better idea for ghost bait. I’ll bring it over now and show you.

  Yours outrageously,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  That’s disgusting!!!! What was that? I mean, that smells like shoes and it looks like ooze! Why would a ghost be attracted to that?

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  It’s VERY expensive cheese, actually. So shows what you know.

  It does smell pretty bad, though … but it was the only cheese we had left in the fridge! Anyway, it was not easy to get, let me tell you, because my mum hates me being in the kitchen because I always try and invent new foods. Like one time, I made these amazing ice blocks from oranges, flour and seaweed. Mum said I had actually invented a whole new kind of mess, but like the saying goes: if you want to make a pancake, you’ve got to break your legs.

  Yours figuratively,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  We don’t need cheese. Cheese is how you catch a mouse! Not a ghost!

  Although I’m not sure what kind of mouse you’d catch with THAT cheese. Maybe like a zombie mouse.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Exactly.

  Yours cleverly

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Fine. Well, I guess that’s all we have now so we’ll have to try. Meet you in five minutes on level 2.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Okay. I’ll bring the ghost trap.

  Yours determinedly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  I caught it! I can’t believe I caught a real ghost! It turns out ghosts are attracted to disgusting cheese! Yay! :)

  At first, I wasn’t sure if the ghost would go in the jar because the combination of porridge and cheese was SO gross, but then I remembered that Princess Bubble Button always says BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! So that’s what I did and it worked! As soon as I put the cheese porridge jar down and told the ghost to ‘STOP SINGING AND GET IN THE JAR!’, the singing just stopped! Well, I wasn’t going to wait around for it to escape, so I just put the lid on as quick as I could and…

  I think I have a real talent for ghost catching! :)

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I think you should really remember it was a team effort. I know YOU were the one who went into the girls’ toilets and caught it, but who do you think brought the jar? Also, I’m going to have to ask my dad for the recipe for his disgusting porrid
ge. I’ve always thought it was pretty gloopy and gross and what convicts probably ate, but now that I know it has this amazing power to attract ghosts (when you add cheese!), it might come in handy!

  Actually, come to think of it, the ghost might even BE a convict.

  It likes porridge and musicals about orphans, and that’s all convict stuff.

  Yours astoundingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  What are we going to do NOW with the jar with the cheese-porridge ghost in it? I think we might need to hand it in to the principal or even the authorities. My mum is really good friends with the people who write the newspaper, and they might like to take a photo of me with the porridge ghost for the front page :)

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  That’s a very bad idea. The last thing you want is a ghost escaping in Mr Shufflebottom’s office or worse, a police station, and we definitely don’t want it on the news. You might start a panic. No, no. It’s definitely best if I hold on to it.