Yours Troolie, Alice Toolie

by Kate Temple

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  It doesn’t say anywhere in the rules that you can’t wear undies as swimmers … or at least I think it doesn’t. Besides, it really wasn’t MY fault. My mum should have packed my swimming bag, but she’s got this whole new thing about how I have to do stuff for myself and be ‘self-sufficient’. But I think this proves that ‘self-sufficient’ is not a good idea, because then I end up forgetting my swimmers and have to wear my undies in the pool!

  The worst bit was that Mum hadn’t done the laundry for AGES because of this stupid self-sufficiency thing she’s on about at the moment … apparently I’m supposed to put my own dirty laundry in the washing machine and she’s been really letting it pile up if I don’t. Anyway, that meant that I was down to my very last pair of clean undies which happened to be these stupid Princess Snow Cone undies my aunty gave me last Christmas! My aunty is always giving backwards gifts, so she gives my baby sister trucks and robots and gives me DUMB things like PRINCESS SNOW CONE UNDIES!!! One time, she gave me this doll that actually does poo and wee when you feed it this special mush (that was pretty cool, actually). But then after Healthy Harry came to our school and told us about the five food groups, I realised it needed more variety in its diet so I feed it some Choc Muck Balls and Sour Slime Worms. It wasn’t such a great idea because it all just got stuck and the doll hasn’t done a poo for more than a year.

  Anyway, apparently these backwards gifts are meant to help me and my sister like stuff that’s not just for boys or girls. But what actually happens is that my sister just throws trucks at my head and I end up with all these stupid princess undies and then one day I run out of REAL undies and have to wear them … and OF COURSE that day has to be swimming carnival.

  So you go ahead and tell on me if you want, but that ribbon is mine. I won it.

  Yours winningly

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Okay, that does sound really bad. I would hate to have to wear my undies in the pool! Also they took heaps of photos for the school newsletter and now everyone thinks you love Princess Snow Cone, which I don’t think is a bad thing because she is a great role model and she speaks fifty languages and lives in an igloo! There’s also a great photo of me, but I’m not wearing my undies, I’m wearing my cool new swimmers :)

  So I’ve decided because I’m a REALLY nice person and because I do feel a little bit sorry for you :( :( that I’m not going to complain anymore about the undies situation. But I will still complain about the cheating, because that was illegal and not fair.

  Here is a joke to cheer you up.

  WHY DO ELEPHANTS LOVE TO SWIM?

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I don’t know. Why do elephants love to swim?

  Yours not happily

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Alice,

  That joke is funny, and I totally get it, because elephants have trunks and ‘trunks’ is also another word for swimmers. Nice work. Now enough talk about my stupid undies.

  (Um and by the way, I have some bad news about the ghost … )

  Yours laughingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Alice,

  Well, you know how you said I shouldn’t take it to the swimming carnival?

  Yours not-so-laughingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Let me guess. You took the ghost anyway and then you lost it? Is that it? If it is, you’re in HUGE trouble with me and I will totally keep fining you forever.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Not exactly. I did take it and unfortunately Ms Fennel saw it and she confiscated it. She said that it was glass and that GLASS is not allowed at the swim centre. I tried really hard to talk her out of it, because you really do need to be a professional to handle a ghost, but she wouldn’t give it back. Apparently GLASS is totally forbidden. She told me that if I dropped the jar and a bit of glass got into the pool they’d have to drain the ENTIRE pool. So I told her that if I dropped the jar, draining the pool would be the least of their worries because there’d be a ghost infestation.

  I probably shouldn’t have said that because then Ms Fennel said she was definitely taking the ghost. Sorry.

  Yours regretfully,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Alice and Jimmy,

  I have taken your jar and I will be holding on to it for a while. It seems to be the cause of a lot of disagreements and even some name calling.

  I have also spoken to the class about not laughing at Jimmy’s choice in underpants. If he wants to wear Princess Pony underpants, that is his choice and we can all respect that.

  Ms Fennel

  Dear Ms Fennel,

  They weren’t Princess Pony undies! That would be even worse! They were Princess Snow Cone undies! And we won’t argue about the jar anymore, I promise. It could be very dangerous having it in the class cupboard. It might contaminate all the craft supplies!

  Yours correctly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Ms Fennel,

  Jimmy’s right! We could end up with haunted glue, haunted ribbons, and even haunted scissors! We’ll try harder.

  Alice and Jimmy,

  It is good to see you agreeing on something, but I will not be returning the jar.

  Don’t worry, there is some very exciting news this afternoon that I think you will both be equally happy about.

  Ms Fennel

  Dear Jimmy,

  Poor ghost! I’m like soooooooo sad that we don’t have Ghosty anymore (your fault).

  I must admit I am a bit excited about this mystery news. I can’t even guess what news Ms Fennel has that we would be EQUALLY happy about. I mean, we really don’t have much in common, so it’s impossible to guess what it could be!

  My top three things for a surprise announcement would be:

  1. The school has been selected to appear in the next Katy Swivel video

  2. They are building an ice-skating rink at school and we’ll all get to learn to be Olympic Ice Skaters.

  3. Emperor Fluffy Pants is now the school mascot and I’m allowed to bring him to school every day :)

  Dear Alice,

  I’m also really unhappy about the ghost being in that cupboard. I even think I heard it this morning quietly whispering ‘JIMMY I LOVE YOU!’, but that might have just been Casper N, he does that.

  Ms Fennel’s announcement certainly is a brain teaser! I am a HUGE fan of announcements, so I literally can’t wait to hear the news. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be awesome, but the things on your list didn’t sound that great … although I would be happy if Emperor Fluffy Pants was allowed to come to our school every day. He could just walk around the classroom checking that everyone was doing their work, and if they weren’t, he’d just frown at them and then he’d look even cuter.

  Anyway, here is my list of the things that the announcement will probably be about:

  1. The school is getting a space station (I’ve heard a lot of schools have these now days).

  2. The school has decided to scrap all the boring subjects and replace them with robot making, explorer class, and treasure mapping.

  3. All cars have been banned and we now have to come to school in a horse and cart.

  Yours certainly

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  It’s even better than all that! There’s going to be a school fete!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I can’t believe it! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

  I’m still sad about Ghosty, but this really is the best news EVER. I even made up this super cool rhyme, I’m so excited:

  I’m such a fan of fetes, carnivals, fairs, and anything like that. And I’m sooo excited that we get to make suggestions about what they’re going to have at this one. I’ve already got soooo
many ideas! OMG. Here are three awesome ideas, just for starters!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I didn’t think anything could cheer me up (I’ve been pretty down since our ghost was unfairly imprisoned), BUT … A SCHOOL FETE IS GREAT NEWS. We can definitely both agree on that. The cute dog parade is a pretty good idea, but I think it should also be dress-up so then you can dress Emperor Fluffy Pants as an evil mastermind. I’m quite a fan of cupcake decorating, so that should be on the list too, but I should tell you right now that bubble wands are VERY dangerous. If you don’t believe me, then you obviously don’t know that every year there are VERY serious injuries caused by bubble wands. One time, my dad made a giant soap bubble and it ATE a baby. This is true in real life.

  A better idea would be a baby animal petting zoo, but with cool baby animals, like a komodo dragon, a snow leopard and maybe a baby panda.

  Yours safely,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  While you’re busy thinking about how you’d like to pat a baby cupcake and eat a panda, I have already started thinking of ways to help raise money for this school fete. I’m actually amazing at raising money for good causes and it’s probably like my favourite thing to do. Do you remember last term, when I raised $225 for colourblind cats? So while you’re busy thinking about yourself, I’m going to get started raising money for the fete.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  I’m not being mean or anything, but I think you may have totally missed the point of the school fete. The school fete raises money for the school so that the school can buy cool stuff like submarines, pens that work in zero gravity, and things like that. You don’t raise money for a fete, because a fete raises money. That’s why we have them.

  Yours logically,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Shows what you know about anything, which is nothing. Of COURSE we need to raise money for the school fete. Those baby animals and cupcakes cost money! You don’t understand how business stuff works because you don’t have your own company like I do! My company is called Alice Incorporated, and of course, I’m the boss :) That’s why I’m amazing at everything to do with stalls and raising money for good causes and stuff like that! So while you’re busy thinking about yourself, I’m going to get started raising money for the fete :)

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  P.S. This is exactly the distraction I need to keep my mind off my poor Ghosty!

  Dear Alice,

  I know what you mean, I can’t stop thinking about the ghost either. It’s just not fair that it’s being held against its will!

  By the way, I actually DO have my own company too, you know. It’s called East Jimmy Trading Company, and like the name says, it does a lot of trading. So just like other famous explorers like the other Captain Cook and Neil Armstrong, I trade with people I meet on my explorations. One time, I traded a toy car for a real piece of an asteroid. Stuff like that. It’s pretty cool. So anyway, you’re not the only person who’s got their own company. Also, I know Casper N has a mining company and he’s dug up stacks of valuable rocks in his backyard. Even Lucas Terrazzo has a company that makes soap out of stuff he finds. One Christmas, he gave me a soap he made from sticks, gum leaves and wool. It was pretty good but a bit itchy.

  Yours entrepreneurially,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Well, they all sound a bit made up. Alice Inc. is a real company and I’ve decided that I’m going to have a Dog Wash to raise money for the school fete. I think Ms Fennel will be sooo happy to see that I’m already thinking of ways of helping and not just thinking about myself (like you do).

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Alice,

  It is lovely to see you thinking about others—again!

  Good work.

  Ms Fennel

  Dear Jimmy,

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Auuuugh!

  I’ll have you know, I’m actually a bit of an expert when it comes to Dog Washes. I used to wash the neighbour’s dog on Saturday mornings … but then one time, the neighbour caught me and told my mum and I had to stop.

  Anyway, that’s how I know that you can’t just use any old human shampoo, you need dog shampoo and that can be really expensive.

  Yours rinsingly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Of course I know you can’t use human shampoo on dogs! You could actually get reported to Animal Cruelty for doing something like that and you’ll probably end up in jail. Did you know that in the olden days (which you love SOOO much), a lot of convicts were sent to Australia as punishment for using human shampoo on dogs?

  You’re right about dog shampoo being expensive. That could be a problem actually, since I spent the last of my pocket money on these amazingly cute animal trading cards including the VERY rare Baby Disco Sloth.

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Isn’t it lucky for YOU that I have QUIXOTRY, otherwise known as an amazing plan! Let’s have a lemonade stand that raises money for the Dog Wash that raises money for the fete that raises money for the school! It might be good for me to get MY mind off the ghost anyway.

  Yours impressively,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  Dear Jimmy,

  Okay. That is actually quixotry. Well done. But do we HAVE to do it together? The last time we did something together (like catch the cheese-porridge ghost), it was a slight disaster and neither of us ended up with the ghost!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Alice and Jimmy,

  Your lemonade stand and dog wash sound like a great ideas—this can be your class project and a good opportunity to be supportive of each other’s differences.

  Also, whoever is writing ‘FREE ME!’ in wiggly writing on the whiteboard can stop. I know it is not the ghost and I am not returning the jar.

  Ms Fennel

  Dear Jimmy,

  I’m pretty sure Ms Fennel knows it’s you writing notes to her from Ghosty because your handwriting is pretty messy and so is the ghost’s, so it’s obviously you. I think the best plan is that we show her how well we can work together, and then she’ll just give it back.

  Anyway, I went to the principal’s office to get permission for the lemonade stand before school this morning. I was going to wait for you, but then I thought we’d have a better chance of getting permission if I went alone. Mr Shufflebottom really likes me because I’ve done lots of amazing things for the school and I’m not really sure what he thinks of you… maybe he likes you, but maybe not. Anyway, good news! He has given us permission to have our lemonade stand to raise money for the Dog Wash to raise money for the fete that raises money for the school!!!

  How amazing is that!? But we have to do it TOMORROW, because that’s the only day that’s free. There’s a 1st Grade cake stall the next day and a 4th Grade toffee drive after that. There’s literally something every day except tomorrow.

  One bad thing though, tomorrow is NO SUGAR Wednesday. So Mr Shufflebottom said that if we wanted to have our lemonade stand, we’d need to make sure there was no sugar involved. Also one other thing, he gave me a list of all the foods that are illegal at school stalls because of allergies and citrus is on it and guess what? Lemons are a citrus fruit :( But that’s okay. I always like to look on the bright side and we can just do a sugar-free, lemon-free lemonade! Yum!

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  You do know what the scientific name for sugar-free, lemon-free lemonade is, right? It’s called WATER. Are you telling me that we have permission to have a water stand? This is not what I had in mind at all.

  Yours most disappoin
tedly,

  Captain Jimmy Cook

  P.S. I think your ‘BE A GOODIE-GOODIE and the ghost will be given back plan’ is REALLY lame, but since I don’t have a better one YET, I’m still in, even if we are just having a WATER stand.

  Dear Jimmy,

  Well, of course it’s not ideal, but you have to look on the bright side of life. You can’t just be all negative about stuff, or things just won’t ever be AMAZING. You know what I always say?

  Yours troolie,

  Alice Toolie

  Dear Alice,

  Fine. Time to shine. What do I need to bring? I can get my mum to buy a heap of plastic cups.

  Yours slightly less disappointedly but still disappointedly,